Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Monday, November 8th-
After school, we walk out of the school and Damien brings me to his motorcycle.
Something tells me that I really shouldn't get on the bike. It never feels safe, but right now... It feels really not safe!
Maybe because I can't go one minute without worrying about Damien killing himself.
But he wouldn't let me get hurt. He wouldn't risk anything when I'm with him...right?
"I don't want to ride the motorcycle anymore. It's dangerous and I hate it. I wanna throw it off a bridge." I tell him, trying to be fun with it.
He isn't the least bit amused. I feel him glare at me and I wince.
"Well, then you can fucking walk home." He snaps at me.
"W-What...? Are you serious right now?" I take a step back, away from him.
I know that tone. I know that he is really, really upset.
He's not drunk, though. He's just being mean.
"You're always complaining about the motorcycle, and I'm fucking tired of it. So either quit bitching and get on or you can walk."
...Why is he upset about it all the sudden? Sure, the first couple times, he accused me of being too crazy about it, but... He hasn't gotten mad over it.
He isn't mad very often.
"O...Okay..." I give in to avoid an argument. I slip my helmet on.
I sit down behind him, linking my arms around his waist hesitantly.
The ride home feels like hell. His shoulders are tense and he doesn't interact with me at all.
We're usually always talking. Silence makes everything feel so weird.
I hate it.
As soon as he pulls into his garage, he gets off the motorcycle, still not looking at me or saying anything to me.
"Why are you being such a dick? What did I do?" I question, confused as hell. I feel a bit of anger burning in me, but I try to push it away.
This is bullshit.
He finally looks at me.
"What did you do?" He mutters, glaring so hard at me. I feel like there are lasers coming from his eyes.
He doesn't move from where he stands.
"Yeah. You're being mean all the sudden."
"I can't do this anymore, Josiah. We go from fighting to being happy to fighting again."
"I didn't start anything this time! Don't act like it's my fault somehow. Just because your dad died and your mom's an asshole, you're being mean."
It's unlike him. He usually tries to not be mean.
"Whatever. You would have started something anyway. I'm tired of having to hold stuff back all the time so we're not constantly fighting!"
"I've told you a million times that I can't change unless you actually do something. And I wasn't going to start anything. I decided to be nice to you, and I made yesterday as good as I could. I'm just not good enough for you, right? That's the thing."
"Don't start that bullshit again. I'm not going to do anything about it. I shouldn't have to be responsible for you all the damn time!"
"Well. You have to make a choice then. Are you going to stop being responsible for me? Are you that pissed about whatever the fuck I did to make you be an ass?"
"I don't fucking know! Quit making me make all the decisions all the time!"
"It's your job, not mine. I belong to you, dumb-ass. You choose. Always."
"It's my choice, until it's not, right? Until I do something that you have to complain about. And then I change it, and you complain about how I change it! I can't keep getting rid of parts of myself just to make you happy!" He raises his voice, yelling by the end of his final sentence.
I choke back tears and glare back at him.
All this time spent trying to piss him off, and as soon as I stop, he starts it back up.
And the cause of this fight is how much I love him.
One thing that can't ever change.
"I'm trying to keep us safe, though. I just complain about things you do that are dangerous, and if that's a part of you, then..." I cut myself off, not quite sure where I was going with that.
I guess I'm trying to change him.
"You knew who I was before we even met! You couldn't have been stupid enough to think I was going to change, did you?! I'm the school's worst nightmare! Everyone is afraid of me! You really were so naive as to think you could just show up and change who I was?!"
He approaches me, so I stand. I dig my fingernails into my palms to give myself something to focus on.
I don't want this.
"That's not it! I just think you should stop doing things that will get you killed!"
"That's what I want!" He yells.
No...
I could never lose him. He is all I have, and he is all I need. If I lost him...
I don't even want to imagine that.
I can't stop imagining it.
Ever since the first time he said it, I...
Even when it was just a joke...
Has it ever been just a joke?
"Damien, don't s-say that... You don't mean it. That's really bad."
"You're doing it again," He says, and I watch his fingers curl into fists, "Trying to fucking tell me what I can and can't do! What I do and don't think! You have no idea what I'm thinking, you've never asked, because you're always so self.. worried about yourself! I'm sick of it!"
My chest tightens up.
He really went there. Even after what we talked about.
I need to diffuse this.
Before he does anything that he'll regret...
Even if he shouldn't regret anything...
How can I diffuse this?!
"Damien, I tried to talk to you last night. You won't even talk to me. I'm sorry for being so absorbed in myself, but... I-I'm sorry," I try to reason with him, anything to get him to calm down.
It's how I am.
I guess we both knew each other when we got ourselves into this.
He knew he was getting involved with a little selfish freak, and I knew I was getting involved with a goddamn bully.
I reach out to try to pull him closer, but before I can even touch him, he snatches my wrist in the air.
"Damien..." I gasp.
I feel tears finally come to my eyes. I can't stop myself from shaking.
No.
Come on. This isn't happening.
"Don't fucking touch me. I don't want anyone anywhere near me right now. Especially not you." His tone is so dark, it hurts my heart...
"Let go of me. Please. Just... P-Please, I need a hug..." Despite how he has already told me to stop, I take a step closer.
He immediately uses his free hand to grab my shoulder and push me up against the wall.
This is the furthest he's ever went with anything.
I don't know.
This might be worse than the bed thing a couple days ago...
I swear that my heart stops beating entirely. I just stare wide-eyed at him for a moment, in shock. Then I take in the situation and squeeze my eyes shut, hands coming up defensively between us.
I'm going to get hit.
I know it.
I should have just shut up and listened to him.
I... I should always just listen to him. Stop being so defiant all the time. He straight-up told me that I just need to do as told...
Just like my father.
Why am I like this?
A moment passes, so I hesitantly open my eyes. He still is holding my wrist and my shoulder, making sure that I can't get away from him.
I stay silent, assuming that's what he wants. I just need to shut up and do as told...
"Just go upstairs and go to bed. Leave me alone."
I suck in a deep breath, trying to keep myself silent.
"I'm sorry." It slips out anyway.
I burst into tears again, breaking down in front of him, weakly trying to pull away from his grasp.
He pushes me back again to stop me. I struggle to keep my head from slamming into the wall.
Then he lets go.
I press my back to the wall so I can't go any further, not wanting to let him do that again.
It hurt...
I'm shaking so much, I don't think I can move...
"Josiah... Fuck. I-..."
He sounds sympathetic now, but my brain doesn't process it.
I stay still, bracing for pain, but nothing happens.
I press my hands against my head and look up at him in terror. I remember how many times my father has thrown me into walls, and bullies pinning me and hitting me until I'm barely conscious enough to walk...
He's like them.
I'll always only care about people who hurt me.
Because that's what everyone does.
"Ow..." I wince.
"I'm so sorry!" He reaches for me, and I flinch away from his hand.
He pauses.
I don't know what comes over me, but I manage to make myself bolt away from him. I go out the garage door, not wanting to face him any longer.
I wanna go home...
I don't know why I ever thought I could get away.
I was born to be abused, I can't escape it...
End