Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Damien's P.O.V.
-Sunday, November 7th-
I look across the booth at Josiah and can tell he's not enjoying his food. He looks fucking miserable.
Why did I think taking him to a very public place would be a good date?
It was dumb of me to make him do this.
I just wanted to do something fun.
Something good to remember...
Maybe I can still save this.
"Hey, I have an idea."
He looks up from his taco salad.
I force a smile, doubting he can really tell anyway. It's more for me. To remind myself not to fuck this up.
I can't be sad right now. I have to make this good.
I don't have a plan, yet.
I'll figure out the logistics later, but until then, Josiah needs good memories.
I can't leave him after what just happened... on the bed.
"Why don't we get out of here? Watch a movie and get pizza instead?"
Pizza, an offer he can't refuse.
"What about dessert, and chocolate milk?" He asks me, his eyes not leaving the cup in front of him.
I think he might like chocolate milk even more than chicken nuggets...almost.
I smile, "We can pick some up some dessert and chocolate milk, too."
Josiah smiles back at me, "Okay. As long as you don't want to stay here?"
"We can go. Really. It sounds way more fun than this."
When the waitress comes back I ask for some to go boxes and the check.
I quickly pay, and on our way out to the car, I order a pizza.
I'm going to save this date.
If it kills me.
On our way to the pizza place I quickly run into the store, grabbing some ice cream and chocolate milk and I let Josiah pick out a movie. He picks some little kid animated Disney shit.
I just let it go. He could have picked something worse.
We pull into the driveway at almost exactly the same time as the pizza man.
We pay the guy and head inside with our goodies.
He looks a lot more excited now than he did at the restaurant. We sit our goods on the kitchen counter and I put the ice cream in the freezer.
I open the pizza and he looks into the box with awe.
"That looks really good. I like cheese." He says, smiling.
I get us some plates and pour us some chocolate milk as he sits two slices on each plate.
We take our food, milk and movie upstairs to the couch, and he looks at the couches worriedly. "What if we get the red sauce on the couch? I don't want your mom to get angry..."
I look at my nice, grey couches...
Maybe it's for the best that we don't eat pizza on them...
I pull a memory from my childhood.
"One sec. I have an idea." I sit my plate and drink down and run over to my bed.
I come back to a confused Josiah just a few moments later, blanket in hand.
I move the coffee table out of the way and I lay the blanket down. I then sit down with my food and drink in hand.
Josiah looks down at me, confused.
"It's a floor picnic. C'mon."
He smiles and shakes his head as he sits down beside me.
I pop the movie in and Josiah takes his first bite of the pizza.
"Your thoughts?"
He pauses before grinning. "Oh. My. God."
I laugh, "So, I assume that you like it?"
He nods, taking another bite and smiling brightly at me.
The movie starts and he's transfixed on both his pizza and the movie itself. It's some princess movie, and I'm really not interested, but I love watching how excited he is about the entire thing.
I try my best to pay attention, but my mind keeps wandering off onto a lot darker things than the Disney princess movie.
Mostly to the fact that my dad was just buried yesterday.
And my mother is already back at work. Just tossing herself in, I guess.
I just have to make it a little bit longer...
Then I won't have to worry about anything anymore...
I'm pulled out of my thoughts when Josiah says, "I was promised cuddles!"
I look over and he's sitting cross legged on the floor beside me, his hands up in the air as if he's waiting for me to hug him, or as if he's a toddler needing picked up.
I chuckle and get up.
He pouts at me "Cuddles!"
I scoop him up and carry him onto the couch with me. I sit us down on the couch and put my arm around his shoulder. He curls into me and says, "We have to rewind the movie! I don't know what I missed!!"
I laugh and rewind until he's satisfied and I play with his hair, feeling my eyelids getting heavier.
I'm afraid to sleep, because I don't know what kind of dreams I'm going to have.
I try to focus on the movie.
But my brain doesn't really like to do that anymore.
I let my fingers play in his hair and after a bit I gently kiss him on top of the head.
God, I wish this was enough for me to stay.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
He smiles up at me, "What was that for?"
"I just love you a lot." I answer honestly.
He hugs me tighter. "I love you, too."
If only I could get out of my head for three fucking seconds and actually pay attention to him.
I remember last night. I was drunk, but not so drunk that I wasn't wasn't thinking clearly.
As nice as this was, I've made up my mind now.
It's too late.
I try my best to ignore it for now, and just enjoy my small amount of free time with Josiah.
...
Josiah and I spend the rest of the day together but we have to call it off at four because my mom ended up coming home early from work, a pile of paperwork in hand.
She called me downstairs to talk, and Josiah just decided to hide in his room with his homework.
I don't blame him.
I come downstairs and see how tired she looks.
I can't believe she went in today. Only a day after dad's funeral, she's already moving on and moving forward, and all I can do is feel trapped in one place, doomed never to move again.
"I think it's best we sit down for this." She says to me.
Uh oh. I don't like where this is going.
She leads me to the living room and she sits down on the couch. Josiah and I were cuddling on the one upstairs only a few hours ago. If only she knew.
I shiver at the thought and sit down beside her.
"What is it?" I ask and she smiles at me.
"I know it seems very sudden after your fathers death..."
Oh god no. She can't really be...
"But I think you would highly benefit from coming to work with me a few nights a week. To start your training early. I know your father had a rule of not too much until he's graduated, but I think it's important to start you now, because one day all of it will be yours. And you will be taking over for me someday."
No choice.
No way out...
But one.
I just stare at her blankly.
"We would be working together, and I'll get to see more of you! Doesn't that sound nice?"
"I don't want to still. You heard me yesterday. I'll never work with you."
Why does it matter? I shouldn't fight it.
It's not like I'll be here long enough to see it anyway.
She laughs, "Don't be ridiculous. We've been dreaming of this since you were a child."
"No, you have been dreaming of it since I was a child. I wanted to be a power ranger. Obviously I don't want to be one now, but you get my point."
She looks at me, and I can tell she's trying to keep from yelling, for once."Well, you have to." She says simply.
"I have to? And what if I don't?" I say, standing up, my voice getting louder.
If I could stop fighting, I would, but it's like I'm not in control anymore.
I'm so tired.
And so done with her shit.
"Damien Michael, you sit down right now!" She demands.
I stay standing.
Her face turns to one of rage.
She's never been very patient. Dad was the patient one.
"So as soon as dad dies, you just decide to up and change everything, huh? Now that he's out of the way? Is that it?" I say, my voice turning into a yell. "How long have you just been waiting for him to die?"
She stands up, her hands in fists. "Don't you dare say things like that. I loved your father dearly. I'm trying my best to make sure his company, no, his legacy, lives on. What are you doing for us? Huh? Nothing! You don't even want to continue this dream your father had! He would be so ashamed of you! You're going to work with me at least twice a week until you graduate, or I'm kicking you out onto the streets! Do you understand? And once you graduate, you'll have a choice. You either choose correctly and take on a permanent position, or I'm cutting you out entirely. If you won't sacrifice for this family, then you won't be a part of it. Period." She yells.
Josiah has to be able to hear us now.
It's a big house, but we're fucking screaming now.
"Family?!" I laugh, "What fucking family are you talking about? Because even when dad was here, we didn't have a family and you two knew it! The only time I ever saw you was when you came home to go to sleep, or you were teaching me to fucking murder people! Don't act like what we had was good. Don't make dad into some sort of fucking hero just because he's dead!"
She slaps me in the face and I go silent, my shaking hands going into fists.
I would never hit her...
But sometimes she makes it really hard to remember that.
"Don't you ever speak about him that way again, do you hear me? Go to your room. Your first workday is Tuesday night after school. You better fucking think long and hard about the choices your making Damien, because once you leave the family, you're never coming back."
I stomp angrily upstairs and to my surprise Josiah is standing at the top of the stairs, a scared look on his face.
"Damien..." He starts with a shaky voice.
"Can I just...have a minute? Please?" I snap, my tone much harsher than I meant for it to be.
He just nods, looking worried.
I go into my room and sit angrily on my bed.
I can't believe she would say stuff like that...
I mean I should, considering all the shit she's pulled over the years.
Somehow it still shocks me everytime.
I can't believe she's making so many changes now that dad is gone...it's as if she was just fucking waiting for him to die or something.
I wait for the anger to worsen, but suddenly, I just get really numb and really fucking exhausted.
I grab some booze from my closet where I've started stashing it up here.
I contemplate getting a cup, but why bother if you're going to just drink the whole thing anyway?
I climb out onto the roof and I sit in the cold breeze, letting it freeze me down to my bones.
I try to muster up emotion.
Something.
Anything.
But there's only emptiness.
I keep drinking.
Maybe if I drink enough, I'll feel something.
Or die of alcohol poisoning.
Either works. I stay out on the roof until the sun begins to set.
I watch the sky slowly become darker and darker and I let my brain wander so my thoughts become the same.
What's the point if I'm only going to be trapped in a job I hate, working all of the time and being a fucking criminal?
But what else would I do?
I have exactly zero plans after highschool.
None.
It would be really easy to just jump off this roof right now and just not have to worry anymore.
Worry about my mom and the company.
Worry about school and worry about people finding out I'm with Josiah.
Worrying about Josiah and how he's doing 24-7.
Worrying about his dad coming back and hurting him, or worse.
God. I just want to shut up the constant pounding in my brain.
I look at the steep incline of the roof.
I would die for sure if I fell down...
Well, probably not. It's only a story up...
I'll need somewhere taller...
Suddenly, I hear my name and it snaps me out of my head.
"Damien, what the hell are you doing out there again?"
I turn to see Josiah standing in my window in his pajama pants and my Black Veil Brides shirt. A look of worry clear as day on his face.
I don't want him to have to worry about me.
Not now, or ever again.
His eyes go to the bottle in my hand and he says, "Are you drinking? It's really not good for you...and why are you out here on the roof? Pierre told you to stop. You should come in and get some rest..."
He wants me to come in.
That's all I need to do.
But my legs don't want to move.
And I'm so, so tired.
"Do I have to?" I ask. I can hear the slur in my own voice.
I'm going to feel this one in the morning.
"Yes. Come inside right now."
I stand up and feel myself sway slightly.
"Wait! Be careful! Don't fall..."
I laugh at the idea of just dying right here and lumber into the window.
As soon as I'm inside I say, "You rang?"
He glares at me through his round adorable glasses. "Just how drunk are you? You have to stop this. It's stressful for your mind and your body."
I groan and sit my empty bottle on the table by the couch.
I then lay down on the couch and groan, "Stop with the lectures. I get it. Alcohol is bad. Boo hoo. Well, it's better than fucking feeling empty all the damn time...wait, I wasn't supposed to say that...don't tell Josiah..." I laugh.
He's Josiah.
Shit, I wasn't supposed to say that.
"Pretend I'm okay. That's what I'm doing." I answer him honestly.
"What are you talking about? If you aren't okay, we can talk about anything. You can tell me what's going on."
"Talking doesn't bring back the dead. Or make me sleep. I haven't slept in like...three months. Or more. I don't even know anymore. Then I beat the shit out of Ethan and I'm afraid I'll do something like that...again. I'm not in control anymore, Josiah. I'm constantly terrified I'm going to hurt someone again. And I'm terrified I'm going to hurt you. Because it's in my nature. I'm the bully. I'm not supposed to get a happy ending. I'm not supposed to be with someone like you. And babe, that's just the tip of the goddamn iceberg."
"Um... You're not going to hurt me. You said so yourself, so many times. I know that we can't change what has already happened, but we should be able to stop bad stuff from happening more... If you would s-start listening to what you're supposed to do, instead of whatever it is that gets you to make these bad decisions."
I sit up and bury my face in my hands. He sits beside me and asks, "Can we hug?"
I just nod.
He puts his arms around me and I hug him back.
"I just don't know what to do. About my mom. About the future. About fucking anything. But, I know I sure as hell don't want to have anything to do with this life."
"Well... You have money. We could leave and go live somewhere else. I don't know about you, but I don't care where we live as long as I can finish school...and as long as we're together, of course. As soon as you graduate."
I let him go and lay back down, my head swimming. He stays sitting on the couch beside me.
I won't make it to graduation.
I won't make it to the end of the week.
I just have to survive a few more days...
And when the time is right...I'll be dead.
Every time I think that a rush of relief goes through me.
"Yeah, sure. I have quite a bit saved back. Not to mention what my dad left me in his will... Mom's not allowed to touch that. I guess I could, like...get a job somewhere. And an apartment somewhere in the city. Where she won't find us. I just have to play nice until the paperwork of the will goes through and I can withdraw it from my account. Then maybe we can think about leaving... I guess." I play along, hoping it seems convincing enough.
Josiah just nods. "What if she makes you do bad things? When you go to work with her, I mean?"
I sigh. "I don't know. That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to be involved. At all."
Josiah gets up. "You should try and rest. I'll leave you alone and see you in the morning."
"Wait," I say, and he stops, "Can you stay? Please? I....I don't want to be alone. Just sleeping. That's it."
"...Really? Because, full disclosure, I don't want to be alone, either."
"Really really. Just lock the door."
I grab the blanket from my bed and sit on the couch, watching him do as I say and then sit beside me.
After yesterday, I don't know what is and isn't allowed.
"Can...is it okay if we cuddle?" I ask quietly, afraid he'll say no.
"What? We always cuddle, why wouldn't it be...?"
"I just didn't want to overstep after yesterday, and I don't want to do anything that might bother you in the slightest." I say tentatively.
"I'll tell you if anything's wrong. Cuddling is always okay when it's just normal cuddling."
I pull him to me, and he rests his head on my chest. I put my arm around him.
I really wanted this to be the thing. You know in movies when the couples will like, be sad and then they hold their significant other and then they are happy again?
They're like this is right. This is where I belong and all that shit?
Nope. Still depressed as fuck.
I need to quit watching Hallmark movies at 3 am...
I feel my body begin to relax but my head is still going a million miles a minute.
I can't quit thinking about anything except dying.
I let my very shaky fingers play in his hair as I say, "Thank you."
I'm sure he can tell.
I'm fucking terrified.
"What for?"
"For being with me. I know I'm a mess and I'm more trouble than I'm worth. So, thank you for sticking with me even though I'm an asshole."
"How are you the mess? I'm the mess. Stop stepping into my territory, asshole."
Keep it lighthearted Damien...
All of me wants to just talk to him.
Tell him what's going on.
But if I do, he'll stop me.
I laugh. "See? I told you."
Josiah leans up and kisses me softly on the cheek. "I love you...asshole."
I hug him tighter, wishing it was always like this. " I love you too. So much."
...
Dread sticks with me all night and long after Josiah falls asleep in my arms.
Even with him here, I'm still full of nothing and everything in between.
Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I can't get my brain to shut the hell up long enough to fall asleep.
I'm just so, so tired.
I wish I could sneak off and play, try to calm down and breathe, but mom made sure that wasn't an option anymore.
Dependence is weakness.
I'm weak.
Not matter what I do I'm just a weak child. I can't do anything but run.
Josiah stirs just a bit and then cuddles closer to me.
I look down at him and gently pet his soft hair. The only thing keeping me here is him.
I would have done this weeks ago if not.
He's the only good thing I have.
He's the only thing stopping me from grabbing the gun in my closet and pulling the trigger.
No. I don't know if I could shoot myself.
I'm too...weak
I think back to being on the roof.
I would jump for sure...
But my house, despite how big it is, . I wouldn't want to risk being alive.
Like, I have to make sure it's done right.
I think about places that are more like four or five stories. That I can access semi-easily.
There aren't a lot.
I think about it for awhile until I realize the school is five stories.
How poetic. The place that I've caused and have received some of the worst pain, becoming the place that I get rid of all of my pain. Forever.
Ha. I'm stupid.
I'm just so fucking tired. Even thinking about this is exhausting.
But my brain is merciless.
I ponder dying and the logistics of it all night until my alarm on my phone goes off, waking Josiah in my arms.
He yawns and rubs his sleepy eyes, looking up at me. "Turn it off..." He whines.
I do and he blinks up at me. I slip his glasses on his face and he blinks slightly, adjusting to being able to see again.
Well, not really... I doubt they help much. I'm not sure why he bothers anyway. I mean they're cute as fuck, so I won't complain.
He looks at me and pouts. "Did you sleep at all last night?"
I just shake my head and he sighs, sitting up and stretching.
I stay sitting here and I admire him. His slender arms reach above his head, stretching his body in an appealing way. Maybe it's a good thing we can't have sex... I'm not even 100% sure I'm gay.
He turns and smiles at me watching him. "What?"
His dirty blonde hair is messy from sleep, and he has the cutest tired eyes I've ever seen. If I had it my way... I would keep him here with me forever.
Never leaving this moment in time, just almost being happy.
What I wouldn't do to do what I did to him on the bed the other day...
I'm a shitty person for even thinking about it, but it's true.
I've never wanted anyone as much as I've wanted him.
God. I take it back. I'm really fucking gay...or, I'm bi. I still love girls. I just love Josiah more. Or something. I don't know. All I know is I'm fucking obsessed with him.
I sit up and wrap my arms around him.
"Let's just stay here. All day."
All of forever...
The idea of leaving this couch is impossibly difficult to process.
Not to mention going to school.
I'm so fucking tired and the day hasn't even started yet.
He giggles and it almost makes me smile.
"No, we can't. We have school, remember? As fun as it would be to stay here, school is more important, of course." He says, smiling against me.
I sigh and let him go. "I tried."
He smiles again and he gets up. "I'm going to go get ready. You better get up and get into the shower. You smell gross as hell. Like death."
I roll out of bed. "Wow, thanks."
"Well, like liquor and death..."
"I get it!" I say grabbing clothes from my dresser, "Jesus. Way to tear me down." I whine.
He laughs and I watch him go.
I get in the shower, and it takes every ounce of energy I have just to get cleaned up and changed. I slip on a black long sleeved band tee and some black jeans. I make sure to put my red beanie on, too. It's cold as balls outside.
I contemplate playing sick and laying down again.
Have I mentioned how fucking exausted I am?
Oh, right. I've been thinking it all damn morning. I'm sure you get the point.
Just as I'm about to sit on my bed, Josiah walks in, freshly showered and in that light blue sweater.
The color makes his light blue eyes seem somehow even prettier. I've never noticed until now, but he has huge, gorgeous fucking eyelashes.
I should compliment him. But all that comes out is, "You have girl eyes."
I mentally slap myself in the face.
Smooth, Damien.
I can get a girl out of her clothes in less then a half hour from meeting her, but I can't even compliment my boyfriend...
"Thanks! I...think. I don't know."
To my surprise, I feel my face heat up.
What the fuck is wrong with me today?
"I... I mean they are really pretty." I mumble looking at the ground.
Josiah stares blankly at me.
"Let's leave." I say, brushing past him and starting toward the garage. That was awkward as hell.
We make it down to the garage and I hop onto my motorcycle. Maybe a ride on this will make me feel a bit more like myself.
Josiah frowns but doesn't verbally whine about it. He just slips his helmet on and we head toward the school.
The entire school day, all I can focus on is him.
The way he pushes up his glasses with his slender fingers, the way I can tell he wants to raise his hand when the teacher asks questions, but he's too afraid.
The way his baggy sweaters fall over his shoulders and reveals his collarbone as it slips to one side. The way he pushes his hair out of his eyes, and the way it continually falls back into them.
The way as soon as we leave a classroom to head to another, those perfect fingers are slipped in between my own.
He deserves someone who can give him the world.
Someone who isn't me.
It's a surreal day. As if I somehow know I want to take everything in.
Who knows? It could be my last.
No. It will be one of my last.
My times run out.
I'm living on borrowed air... No wonder it seems hard to breathe.
My heart speeds up everytime I think that, but I don't think it's fear...
How when I talk to him he has to blink up at me, waving those impossibly long eyelashes as if he's intentionally batting them at me.
I don't focus on anything that happens all day except him.
As soon as the final bell rings for the day, I'm so ready to get home and go to sleep. I had to practically hold my eyes open all day.
End