Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use.
Josiah's P.O.V
-Saturday, November 6th-
During the whole thing, Damien keeps checking on me over and over again, almost as if I was going to vanish, or something.
He also seems to know that I don't in want to be here at all.
Not that anyone who is here wants anything to do with this, but... I really don't feel right being here.
These people cared about Damien's father. All of them do.
But I don't, and I never have.
I don't care about anyone other than Damien, which, I guess...that's why I'm here...
For him.
I knew from the moment I saw the casket that this was all going to be plain awful. I wanted to run and hide from the very moment we came in here...
But Damien needed me.
When we went outside, that was the worst part. It was cold and everyone was just crying. I was surprised to find that Damien didn't really cry, though.
I can't imagine what he's going through...
I choose not to eat anything at the dinner, of course. I just stick by Damien's side and try to smile at him every time he looks at me. He seemed to be too busy dealing with people giving their condolences and trying to talk to him, since he doesn't eat anything, either.
I wish he would have eaten something. It's super unhealthy to skip meals and then drink alcohol, which I know he will do. "Super unhealthy to skip meals.HMM JOSIAH HMMM
If he hasn't already today.
I know it's bad, but... I'm not going to mention it. Arguing about it on the day of his father's funeral sounds just awful. I won't dare to.
Even though it might...
No.
No. I need to change my way of thinking.
I need to at least try to be good for him.
If it doesn't work out, I'll find a way to get punished. But, as of right now, I just need to try as hard as I can to be good.
After the whole thing is over, we go home... Back to his house, and I follow him to his bedroom.
As soon as we're inside, he shuts the door and locks it.
I go to ask him if he wants to just lay down and finally get some rest, but he puts both hands on my waist and pulls me against him, kissing me deeply. All before I can even begin to say anything.
Okay.
We're trying this again.
I kiss back, clutching on to his shoulders for a moment, before wrapping my arms around his neck when he made no move to stop kissing me.
I'll be good.
Then everything will be okay.
He must really need physical contact, after us basically not being allowed to touch all day...
He holds me tighter, plucking me off of the ground and breaking the kiss for only a second to breathe before continuing.
What...the fuck?
I ignore the fear building inside of me and trace my fingers into his hair, pressing his head closer.
I love kissing him.
I'll focus on that.
He starts walking forward, laying me down on the bed and climbing on to me, kisses trailing down my neck.
Fuck.
No.
No, no...
He supports himself with one arm and his other hand slips under my shirt.
"U-Uh... Damien-" I try to stop him.
My skin heats up.
I can't breathe...
He silences me by kissing my lips again, his hand running up and down my torso a few times before he stops and pulls his dress shirt off.
He has a nice body...
Uh.
"I don't want to go further...S-Stop." I tell him.
I shouldn't tell him to stop, but...
He seems deaf to my words anyway, starting to unbutton my shirt so he can have easier access.
My hands slip between us, pushing his shoulders slightly.
I'm not allowed to get away.
I feel trapped.
I can't move.
I can't...breathe...
"DAMIEN!" I scream, feeling tears well up in my eyes.
He kisses my neck one more time before pulling away. Damien u horny fiend
My hands are shaking, so I press them against my chest. I turn my head away from Damien, closing my eyes tightly.
"No more...s-stop... Please." I manage shakily.
"Oh my god. I am so sorry." He sits upright.
I stay down, unable to move, desperately trying to breathe.
"Don't...touch anymore. No m-more. N-No." I tangle my fingers into my hair and curl my knees up, shaking my head.
He seems upset.
I feel bad.
"I-I'm sorry. If y-you really want to, then g-go ahead. I...I shouldn't st-stop you." I quickly correct myself.
I should be used to it.
Suck it up and fucking deal with it...
I need to stop saying no to him.
He gets off the bed as if to give me more space, observing from afar.
"I can't believe I did that. I am so, so sorry Josiah... I don't... I..." I hear him begin to pace the room.
"Don't feel b-bad. Y-You c-can do whatever you want. I know you're having a hard time... a-and I s-s-should stop complaining and h-help you." I force out.
I look over at him, terrified of what he was doing just a second ago, and yet, about to beg him to come back.
He stops in his tracks. "No, I'm so fucking stupid. I can't believe I did that to you. You deserve so much better... I..." He begins pacing again, clearly distraught.
Damn it, I'm awful...
Such a basic human need, and a crucial part of a relationship, but I won't even do it.
"Get...b-back over here. Now. L-Let's try to k-keep going." I stare, verging on a meltdown and trying to keep tears at bay.
He shakes his head at me.
"Damien, I...don't want y-you to-to feel bad. You c-can do whatever you want. I- Really..." I tell him, but he seems to know full well that I'm lying to him.
He stops pacing, instead kneeling beside the bed.
He looks up at me.
"I'm sorry, Josiah. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it... I just wanted to feel some-" He cuts himself off and buries his face in his hands, leaning his head on the bed.
He's so close. I back off slightly, against my own will.
"I'll never feel s-safe. That r-really is not your fault at a-all. We m-might as well do whatever y-you want." I tell him.
I hate that I am this way.
I hate everything about this.
I think I was so damn jealous earlier because I know he deserves better, someone who isn't...like this.
Someone he feels okay with holding hands in public with, and someone who he can actually touch without him having to feel bad for doing so.
Someone who can make him feel better.
Why can't I be those things for him?
I don't take my eyes off of him, my brain alert, ready to be hurt again.
Fuck you, you stupid brain...
It's just Damien. I should feel safe with him. His touches should be the good ones.
When Damien sees me back away from him, he lifts his head to look at me, but he doesn't move other than that.
"What do you want t-to do? I'll comply, I s-swear." I promise him.
"I just want you to be happy." He cries.
"Well, I just b-believe that we should d-do wh-whatever you want to do. Why do y-you think that me being happy c-ch-changes anything?"
He looks down again. "I don't want to do things with you if you are not 100% comfortable with it. I want to wait. Until you're happy with it. I don't want to do anything with you just because it's what I want. I want you to want it, too."
I shake my head. "I..." I take in a shuddering breath before continuing, "What if I never do? That's not fair to you."
"Then, I guess we don't do anything other than kiss." He says, trying to stop his tears.
"B-But, this," I gesture to myself, "Will happen, every s-single time." I cross my arms and look away from him again. I hate this.
"It's okay. It's worth it. To be with you. It's worth it. I'll be okay. I'll just have more self control next time, I swear."
I wipe my eyes.
"C-Can I button my shirt back up and then we just lay down and go to sleep...?" I ask him first.
I don't think he's actually okay with it.
Damien forces himself up and says to me, "Put some pajamas on first. I'll change in the bathroom. Just tell me when you're done." He grabs some clothes and leaves to lock himself in the bathroom.
...Should I go sleep in my room instead...?
I, uh...feel like I might be tempting him too much...?
I'm not good at acknowledging where something is going and stopping it before it happens.
With my father, my aunt, the bullies at school... I just let them do whatever they want. Damien won't let me be that way.
Or maybe I should stop letting him know when things are going too far altogether so he won't feel bad for it anymore...?
No... I could get stuck in that constant cycle of being attacked over and over again if I do that...
Maybe that cycle is where I belong?
I get up and get some clothes, changing before going up to the door.
I knock on the bathroom door. Damien opens it a moment later.
"I think I'm going to go sleep in the other room... I need to get used to it, actually." I scratch at my arm.
His eyes go sad again. "Oh, alright. Whatever you want is fine..."
I can't do anything right. He is still upset...
I nod. "Goodnight. Try to get some sleep, please." I tell him, before turning and leaving.
I already know that I'm not going to be able to sleep.
End