JASMIN MARTINEZ
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All of my pent-up frustration, anger, resentment, and sadness finally released. I couldn't keep it in myself anymore. I didn't have the patience anymore. The emotions were too overwhelming.
I let myself break.
I cried and cried as the taunting memories played in my head, repeatedly. I felt like I had no control over my body. I was stuck. I couldn't escape. Similar to how I felt five years ago. I couldn't move or speak. Just cry.
I tried gasping for oxygen but my body was tired. I wanted to close my eyes and leave this world. I thought I moved on. I spent years, fucking years but yet those painful memories still make their way to me again.
I felt the pain he caused me.
My baby would've been by my side today. I would've been a mother. The day that Chase cheated on me and I left his penthouse. I got hit by a car. On top of that, I was heartbroken. My body wasn't able to keep the baby alive.
Chase not only broke me apart but took away my baby from me. If I hadn't visited him, maybe my baby would be by my side. If he didn't cheat on me and cause me so much fucking pain to the point that my body was incapable to keep a baby, I would be a mother.
For him to think I would ever want to hear his reasons is complete bullshit. I know what I went through and I will not allow myself to fall into his trap once again.
Is it selfish of me to save myself from what I know can be at risk again?
Many would say I am holding grudges. I guess you can say that but I would rather say it's witnessing someone's true colors and not unseeing them.
Why would I put myself in a spot where I can get heartbroken again?
Years I have spent blaming him and now all of a sudden he has a reason. I'm scared that if he tells me his reason that I will fucking believe him. I shouldn't believe the bastard.
He's a fucking cheater at the end of the day.
I pulled my knees to my chest as I cried until I didn't have any more tears left to cry. I was hiccuping as the tears flowed through me and I remembered the doctor telling me I had a miscarriage.
I didn't even see my baby but yet I was already attached to the baby immensely.
I drank the whole bottle of alcohol as I stayed buried in my sorrows.
I wrapped my hands around my knees, placing my head on my knees before closing my eyes. Darkness filled my eyes, taking me out of my misery.
.•°•.•°•.•°•.
I woke up only because I heard my phone ringing. I got up from my cold floor and limped to my nightstand. My leg was hurting more as I had to walk home yesterday.
I sat down on my bed and picked up the incoming call. "Good morning, Xavier." I greeted as I yawned.
My room was still dark with the curtains being closed but I could see all the mess I made yesterday.
"Morning, Flower." He spoke. "How are you?"
"I'm good, what about you." I fidgeted with my fingers.
"Oh okay." He responded. "But, now tell me how you really are feeling."
I rolled my eyes. Of course, he knows when something is wrong with me. "Had a mental breakdown. It was long coming though."
"Why?"
I sighed. "I guess... I finally lost my patience."
"Regarding Chase?"
"Yes." I gritted out. "I, eh, whatever forget it. I'm fine now."
"What? Tell me."
"No, I don't want to talk about it."
"Flower, if you talk things out you wouldn't have a mental breakdown."
"I said I don't want to fucking talk about it, Xavier. Can you please just leave me alone for fuck's sake?" I yelled. My head was pounding from the hangover from yesterday.
"You are doing the same thing you did five years ago. You are pushing people away when they are just trying to help you."
"Xavier, I don't need your stupid opinions right now. Let me push everyone away from myself. I want to be fucking alone, get it? If you have anything else to say besides this bullshit, please say so or else goodbye."
"Don't even bother with the goodbye, Jasmin." He ended the call. I threw my phone on the floor and watched it shatter into pieces.
I got up and kicked the nightstand with my foot. I let out a frustrated scream. I was about to walk to the bathroom when my foot stepped on the glass from my phone and plant vases. It started bleeding, adding more to my problems.
I sat down on my bed and took out the glass pieces that were stuck in my foot. I went to the bathroom to get my medkit before wrapping my foot in the white rolled gauze. I looked at myself in the mirror to see my terrifying state of mine. My mascara running down my eyes, as my eyes were red. My cheeks were puffy and my nose was red. My hair was all over the place from me pulling on it.
I took off my work clothes before stepping into the shower. I washed my hair and relaxed my body. Finally, now that I came to my senses I realized how much of a bitch I was towards Xavier.
He didn't deserve that.
I stepped out of my shower and brushed my teeth. I used mouthwash to get rid of the alcohol breath. I put on a white tank top with blue ripped jeans. I wore my blue Air-Jordan's and I took two of my front strands from my face and clipped them in the middle of my head. I put on light makeup and lipgloss.
I left my room and went into the kitchen. I gave Moana her food before making a coffee for myself. I opened the oven to get my pizza box out. I postmated a shit ton of food yesterday but I barely ate anything. I took a cold pizza slice and put the box back into the oven before closing it. I checked to see my mother but she was still sleeping.
I picked up my white purse and keys before leaving out the elevator. I opened the door to my car and sat down. I headed towards my office because I wasn't in the mood to deal with the cheater just yet.
Once I arrived, I stepped out and went up the elevator to my office. I started working, going through my checklists and emails. I looked at the future projects we had coming. Afterward, I saw I had an upcoming shoot.
I decided to not work as late as I usually do. I looked at my employees through my window to see them all working still. I left through the door and went to my private elevator.
I sat down in my car and blasted the air conditioner. I rolled down my window as I pulled out of the parking lot. I lit the end of my cigarette and put it in my mouth. I exhaled the smoke and put my cigarette stick between my index and middle finger out the window.
I drove and drove until I ended up in front of the orphanage. I wanted to visit my girls for a long time but I hadn't had the time to do so. I got out of my car and went to the entrance.
I opened the door and stepped inside. The heavy smell of lavender and bubbles hitting my nose. "Welcome, Ms. Martinez. Your presence has been highly missed. They talk about you every day."
My heart fluttered at her words. Mirza was the one heading the organization that helped young girls. "I missed them as well. I just have been busy."
"I'm sure they will be very happy to see you again." I smiled, and she led me into the room the young girls were in. Mirza was a tall woman with a hijab. She was wearing a long beautiful floral red dress that was a long sleeve with tan-colored flats. Since the day I started donating to this organization I have always looked up to her. Her work ethic is like no other and she's very kind at heart.
We entered the room and the girl's heads turned to the door. They all got up from the little chairs they were sitting at, coloring, and came running towards me. I squatted down and tried my best hugging them all in a big group hug. "I missed you guys."
I lost balance and fell to the ground as they all jumped on me. My foot hurt like a bitch but I couldn't care less as I saw their big smiles.
"Why didn't you come to visit us earlier?" One of the girls asked. "We missed you." Another one stated.
"I'm sorry, I have been busy," I said. "I promise I will visit more."
"Okay!" They got off me when Mirza ordered them. I used a small table to get up.
"What have you guys been up to?" I asked and they quickly ran to their coloring table. I laughed as they started completing their coloring pages.
I saw a little girl off to the side. She's always had a special place in my heart. I have known her since the day she was turned to this orphanage which was at the low age of six months. And, now she would be turning six this year.
I limped my way towards her and sat next to her. She didn't greet me or anything, telling me she was mad at me. She just looked out the window towards the garden.
"Hey, Ivy." I greeted. She had beautiful chocolate skin with box braids. She was wearing a white t-shirt with blue jeans. Her big dark browns eyes glancing at me for a second before looking away. "I'm sorry."
"I was busy. I promise from now on I will visit every week." I put my pinky finger towards her. She looked at it before taking her pink finger and wrapping it against mine.
"You can't break the promise."
"I won't baby," I assured and kissed her on the forehead. She hugged me and I hugged her back.
"I missed you." She sniffled. "Nobody likes me here."
"Baby, don't say that. They all love you. Mirza loves everyone."
"Only because she has to."
"I love you." I heard her sob into my chest, making my heart clench. I didn't like seeing her like this.
"But, you don't come to visit me."
"I'm sorry, baby. How about I take you with me for the day and we can spend the day together, yeah?"
She lifted her head from mine and vigorously nodded. I laughed and wiped her tears away. "Okay. Don't cry, baby. Your tears are far more precious than to cry over me."
She giggled and I smiled. "What's that?" She asked as she pointed to my collarbone.
"A tattoo." My little tattoo was showing since I was just wearing a take."
"Love yourself first." A reminder for me to not hate on myself every day. A way to remember that putting yourself first is not wrong.
"Yes, baby." I looked into her eyes. "It's a reminder. Just as anyone else, I need a reminder to love myself and be nice to myself."
"Wow!" She said in awe. "Can I get one?"
"No, you are too little right now. We can get some temporary tattoos if you would like."
"YES!" I laughed and got up taking her hand in mine.
I looked back at the rest of the girls and quickly looked over their drawings. They were all beautiful and I could see the effort they put into coloring them.
I said my farewell and told Mirza I'm going to take Ivy with me for a while. I checked her out and we made our way to my car.
I realized I didn't have her booster seat with me and my car only had two seats. I went back inside and asked for Mirza's car. I handed her my keys for the meantime while taking her car.
I opened her BMW Suv and buckled Ivy into the booster seat. I sat in the driver's seat and started the car.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked.
"Ice cream!" I nodded and drove to the nearest ice cream shop.
Once we arrived, I took her out of her seat and we went inside the ice cream shop. She ordered her cotton candy ice cream and I ordered chocolate ice cream.
We both ate the ice cream as she told me what I had missed over the time I hadn't visited. She told me a boy is transferring to her orphanage because no other place is accepting him. His behavior is very reckless and nothing calms him down.
Sounded like someone I knew.
We finished our ice cream and I took her shopping. I bought her multiple clothes and shoes. I also bought some gifts for the rest of the girls. The paparazzi wouldn't leave me alone and it was starting to get to Ivy.
I bought a new phone since I broke mine. My assistant called me regarding the interior designing process and told me I should go check before they continue on. I was about to tell her to check it herself and FaceTime me but I remembered her sister's wedding was coming up.
I sighed and I dropped off Ivy at the orphanage. She was sad once again but I convinced her I would come to see her again.
I thanked Mirza for letting me take Ivy out before taking my keys from her. I started driving to the cheater's house. The sun was setting and the array of colors looked beautiful.
Chase's palace wasn't as far from the orphanage. Once I arrived, I took a deep breath as I prayed that I won't see the cheater himself today.
I picked up my purse and MacBook before stepping outside. My employees had left for the day so I needed to take the notes on my computer.
The door was surprisingly opened and I stepped inside.
Just as I stepped foot inside, Chase slammed me against the door and put his hand around my neck making me look into his sinfully beautiful eyes.
"You were pregnant?" He questioned in his deep velvety voice.
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