The car ride home was dismal. It paralleled their ride home from their wedding. But with higher tensions. Nobody dared to breathe loudly. Tay felt a foreboding sense of doom. The silence was like a thousand bur fruits stuck to his skin. It prickled.
New had stopped crying about 5 minutes ago. His forehead was pressed to the tinted windows. His hands hid between his knees.
Tay was still furious but a part of him wanted to reach out and touch his husband. To bridge the gap between them and comfort him. It was all confusing. New was an expert at jumbling his feelings. The thought angered him even more.
He pressed his shoulders harder into the opposite door. Shut his eyes. He kept it that way until they arrived at their home.
New opened the door and flew out before the engine was killed. He was so quick that Tay barely caught the flash of his purple sweater disappearing through the door to the foyer.
He sighed. Fell back against the backrest. He sat alone for more than 10 minutes, dreading their next move. Where did they go from here? He minced up the stairs, void of energy. He debated on whether to go to the guest or master bedroom. After a minute's deliberation, he twisted the doorknob to the master.
New hadn't changed out of his clothes. He was standing by the window, back facing the door. He took a few seconds to turn around. His eyes were red and swollen. His face was flushed. He looked frazzled.
"Tawan," His voice was raspy but firm. "I have done all I can in my power to make you like me. And for a good month, I thought I succeeded." He looked down at his hands. Whispered, "You're always going to think of me as a liar. You're always going to make up reasons to be angry."
"Make up?" Tay took a few steps into the room. Up close, he could see the tear stains on his husband's face. "Did I trump up your ex crashing our party and putting his hands all over you? Can you not see the problem?" He yelled. New flinched but his feet stayed planted in the same spot.
Tay could not be arsed. "How are you blind to what you have done? You brought an ex-lover, whom I've consistently aired my misgivings about, to the bar where I was."
"I did not bring him." He would not change his tune.
"Even if you didn't, you were still all over him. Did you not care about how it would make me feel? When will you take responsibility for the way you make people feel? Will you always do things your way and not care about how it affects the people you claim to care about? You lied about who you were—,"
"And we are back here!" An incensed breath left his lips. "You are never going to let this go."
"You haven't apologized! How can I let it go when you don't feel sorry for what you've done?"
New shook his head. "You've had it out for me from the beginning."
"Don't try to turn this around. Don't change the subject."
"You had already made up your mind to hate me." He carried on doggedly. "You thought the worst of me the night we met. You said terrible things about me to Kao the whole night. You picked him over me consistently and you still are," he cried. "You pointed out every bad thing that could happen to us, to our union."
"I was being realistic."
"You hated me before you knew me!" A tear ran down his cheeks. The purple sweater came up to quickly wipe it away. "You grasped on to my only mistake and used it against me at the least chance. You hate me, Tawan. This is why nothing I do will ever be enough to please you. You have given me hell from the start."
If anything, Tay was impressed with how New made him the villain in his head. "I only gave you what you deserved. Day in and day out, you mock me. You use my candor from that night to mess with me. I opened up to you! I held nothing back. You took all that information to what? Make boorish and inglorious remarks about me? You are hell itself, Thitipoom!"
"I want a divorce!" New exclaimed, fists shaking. "I want a fucking divorce. I fucking want you out of my life!"
Tay's heart stopped for a moment. He was stunned mute. There was the white noise again. It blocked out everything. New's lips were moving. He was furious. His hands moved around. The veins in his neck were taut. Uncontrollable tears crept down his face.
Tay was on a green field. Lilacs and irises bloomed around his feet. By his side was a man. Bright eyes and soft smiles. He was just as entrancing as the flowers. If not more. A Ferris wheel whirled to their left. Tay took this beautiful man's hand. Warm. Soft. Loved. He climbed onto the machine with his beloved. Buckled them in. Their lips smiled. Their fingers locked. Tay's head spun.
The higher they went, the smaller the man smiled. At the peak, he let go of Tay's hands. His eyes bled as he let himself fall back.
The unsettling sound of crashing bones tethered Tay to reality. The man was okay. He was fine. His eyes were not bleeding. But they might as well be. Tears spilled from them. His voice was incoherent.
"Okay," Tay heard himself say. He did not want a divorce. He was losing Kao. No! He was losing New. His husband. His beloved. New was leaving him. "It is for the best," he said.
Locked behind heavily secured doors was another part of him. He cried. Banged on the steel doors. Jiggled the locks. He was begging to be let out. To be freed to fight for New.
Tay kept him locked up.
It was for the best. They were bad for each other. They had done nothing but hurt each other since they met. The issues they had were chronic. They could try and control them. Sweep them under the rag. However, they would not be restrained forever. They were bound to spill over. It was better to end it now before it maturated.
New appeared more settled. He bit his upper lip with a nod. Then he backed off to perch on the table by the window. "That night," he started. "Was the best night of my life. I could not apologize for being happy. I did not think I should.
"Looking back, it was not as great as I thought." Tay felt his heart breaking even more. "That night has become somewhat of a curse than a blessing. If it had not happened, there would be no version of you in my head who loved me. You looked at me like I was the best thing you had ever encountered.
"I was riding on that feeling, you know. I had hoped that one day, you would look at me like that again. But that look was not for me. It was never meant for me."
He sniffed. Dabbed at his eyes. He cleared his throat. And when he spoke again, his tone was even. "Our parents will never consent to a divorce. They will hear of it once we inform our lawyers and will do everything in their power to prevent it." He threw one leg over the other like he was in the front row of a fashion show. "I have a lawyer friend. I can have her discreetly draft our divorce papers within two weeks."
Tay nodded. "Okay." Only because he felt he should say something.
"We need to keep this quiet until it is finalized." Chin up. Back ramrod straight. He was discussing the end of their marriage like he was reading out the grocery list. "And if a divorce proves too difficult, we can have our marriage annulled on grounds that we never consummated our union. It being an arranged marriage could also work in our favor."
"Okay," Tay echoed. He wished he could say something else. He was not given a divorce for dummies pamphlet for a day like this.
"I know you cannot stand me," New stated like it was the gospel truth. That would have been accurate a month ago. But he could not be more wrong now. "But until our divorce is final, we have to put up with each other like we have been doing. For ourselves and the business."
Duty first. It was always duty first. Duty got them in this mess.
"Okay."
"Are you going to say anything else?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
Let's not do this. I don't want a divorce. I don't hate you. I want you to stop and think about what you are doing to us. Emotions are high right now, let's take a step back, maybe sleep on it? This is breaking my heart.
"This is for the best." He said instead. His other self thrashed harder in his cage. "You and I, we couldn't have worked. We have varied interests. I mean, we tried for some time and it was okay. But that was only because we pretended to not want the things we do. Our idyll was shattered once we faced a real-life crisis.
"You like to be your own person and do the things you want. You want to go out on weekends and have fun with your friends. And I—," he paused, chest squeezing. "I want to keep you all to myself. I don't want you out of my sight. I will always go ballistic when I see you with someone else. It is sick. It is toxic. New, it is bad for us. I don't like the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness you invoke in me. This marriage should never have happened in the first place."
New held his lips between his teeth. Tay noticed the quiver in them. He was a little appeased to know he was not hurting alone. "I will call Yanda tomorrow to get the papers ready."
The statement sounded final. Intransigent. The bruise on his cheeks from Tay's unintentional kick was darkening. They were so happy just this morning. He recalled their kisses in the shower. New's giggles whenever he would bat his hand away from his penis. The outrageous arguments he made in favor of them having sex. It all felt like ages ago.
"Okay," Tay repeated. He turned his back on his husband and vacated the bedroom they shared for the past month. His bones felt weaker after he locked the guest bedroom behind himself. He sagged against the door. Held back tears. It was for the best.
The room felt drab compared to the master bedroom. The pillows were not fluffy enough. The covers were not soft and thick enough. He hugged the bolster pillow. It could not compare to New's body. It was not warm enough. Smooth enough. It did not smell like him. He could not sleep.
How could he? Who could sleep in a situation like this? He dragged himself downstairs in the wee hours of the night to the wine cabinet in the kitchen.
An hour later, he passed out on his bedroom floor. An empty bottle snoozed by his side.
**
Tay's bones rioted. He was curled in an uncomfortable position on the floor. His head pounded. But that was to be expected after the long night he had. His bones popped as he rose. He stretched his back and lumbered to the bathroom. He washed the cobwebs out of his eyes. Brushed the stale taste of alcohol out of his mouth. Then descended the stairs for breakfast.
It smelled like sausages, bacon, and omelet. His stomach growled in appreciation. He stopped in his tracks when he saw New already seated at the table. They had eaten together for the past couple of weeks. Coming down for meals became a force of habit. Now that he was here, he could not turn back. It would be stupid to.
New cocked a brow. He too might have expected Tay to eat in the living room upstairs. He took the chair at the far end across from his husband. Ex-husband.
Yesterday, for breakfast, lunch, and supper, they sat next to each other. One of New's legs was thrown over his. Now he could not even smell him. He missed his husband's smell. Ex. He should stop forgetting that. Also, it had been only 9 hours since they broke up. His heart should stop its dramatic pining.
New eyed him from across the table. He turned his fork in his hand. "Why do you look like you fought real demons in your sleep?"
Tay was startled by the question. He almost looked around to make sure it was thrown to him. He thought they would do the whole ignoring each other's existence thing. It seemed that New had other plans.
He shrugged, discomfited, "It was a long night."
"Tell me about it." He groaned. Rolled his eyes. "Coffee should help." He lifted his cup with a small smile. "Yllen, please get my ex-husband his coffee."
Tay clenched his teeth. Since they made up a month ago, New had stubbornly taken it upon himself to make Tay's coffee. Not anymore, it appeared. And ex-husband? He made a mental correspondence of a snort. The papers were not even ready.
"Thanks." He mumbled.
"Anytime, Tawan."
What game was New playing this time? Was he trying to kill him with kindness? Annoy him with his smile? Tay's over-thinking was thankfully interrupted by Guy and Foei. They barged in looking distressed.
"Sorry to interrupt," Foei announced, holding his phone out to New. Guy rushed to Tay's side with his.
It took a second to understand what he was looking at. But when it clicked, his head felt like it was put through an ice crusher. His heartbeat went haywire. He could hardly hear his thoughts.
TROUBLE IN PARADISE: THE WEDDING OF THE DECADE COULDN'T STAND THE TEST OF TIME. ALL THAT GLITTERS, IT APPEARS, IS NOT GOLD.
Below the article was a photo of New dancing with Joss. And another of New and Tay leaving the bar together. The kicker, however, was the audio attached to the article. It was their fight in the bathroom last night.
Tay paced the length of the dining room. The staff stood to the side with bowed heads. He was losing his marbles. He reverted to a childhood habit of biting his nails. If they had seen it, their parents would no doubt have seen it too. Tay could picture them assembling their PR managers to do damage control.
New on the other hand, leaned back in his chair. Cup of coffee in his hand. So nonchalant. His flowery kimono dropped to his ankles. His feet were hidden in ridiculous T-Rex indoor slippers.
Tay stared right at him, impelling him to say something.
"Where is the originality?" New remarked dryly. "They only put together some idioms. I believe I would come up with a better headline if I got my hands on such tremendous news. Fucking amateurs."
He took a slow sip of his coffee.