7th November
1993
A woman lays on a hospital bed with no energy. She stares at the ceiling, all hope drained from her system. She then moves her eyes to her husband, who restlessly paces back and forth beside her bed.
And then her eyes travel to the smaller bed beside hers. She stares at her newborn son with mixed feelings. Only aged nineteen, her son feels like an unneccessary addition to her life. Her greatest moment of grief was when she found out that she was pregnant at the age of eighteen.
She's not ready for this. She doesn't want a child; she doesn't want her life to be gone like this. She's not prepared to take care of another life.
"Could we abandon him somewhere?" her husband asks. "I don't know...I don't want him but I feel bad if we just get rid of him like that," she responds in a quieter voice, afraid a nurse might hear. She only gave birth a few hours ago after all, what kind of mother says things like this right after giving birth?
She does feel a small sense of guilt but mostly just grief and hopelessness. "Should we still raise him? We can send him off to a boarding school or something once he's gotten to that point and he'll be gone from our house that way," she suggests. The thought of raising her very own son already makes her feel physically sick, but one glance at the tiny baby pushes her to at least give him a chance.
Even though this chance won't be very fair.
"I don't agree with your idea but we don't have much of a choice, do we? I think we should leave him at an orphanage or something still," the husband suggests. The mother shakes her head. "No, he's our son. Let's maybe try for a while and see how that goes," she argues. She feels so conflicted on the inside. The clashing feelings of hatred towards her child and motherly love fight inside her.
She doesn't even think about how harmful this may be to the child. She doesn't realise that her high levels of distress and despair while she was pregnant may have already harmed the child.
"Fine, we can give it a try," the father of the child complains. He hates this idea so much and the thought of having to dedicate his time to raising a child and providing for another life hurts him on the inside.
"We didn't even think of a name, did we?" she laughs bitterly. Already growing frustrated, the father picks up a magazine beside her bed and quickly flicks through it. His eyes land on one name on a random page and he shrugs.
"Let's just call him Hongjoong."
The mother continues to stare at the baby and nods. "Sure, Kim Hongjoong it is then."
17th January
1998
Hongjoong, now four years of age, is sitting on the floor and messing around with random pieces of paper. He's fully concentrated on them and is extremely entertained by such a small thing. Despite looking adorable to most, his mother and father watch him stressfully.
"I don't understand. Why can't he do cute things like other kids? I think something's wrong with him," the mother whispers with teary eyes. Her son has had a slow development growing up, or at least that's how his parents see it.
According to every doctor they've seen, he's growing just fine.
"He's a bit stupid, shouldn't he know his times tables by now? Why won't he learn when I teach him?" is what the dad says more often than he thinks.
"Mommy, can you play with me?" Hongjoong asks. The parents snap out of their conversation and the boy's mother flashes him an uncomfortable smile. "I'm busy," she mumbles while standing up. Too used to hearing the same answer every time, Hongjoong simply returns to his previous task.
Hongjoong silently messes around with the paper again, but on the inside he feels hurt and lonely. Why won't anyone ever play with him? His parents don't even let him leave the house and interact with the other kids outside of school, but he doesn't know why.
His parents on the other hand, somehow are too ashamed to let him leave. They've said ridiculous things with each other, not doing a very good job at hiding this from their son.
"Other parents will criticize us when they see what kind of child Hongjoong is."
"It will be humiliating when people see how backwards he is even though he's already four."
"He will hurt someone and we'll get into trouble. Didn't you see the way he treated the neighbour's pet dog? He nearly killed it and only laughed about it."
"His teachers always complain about him and how he never tries to get along with any of the kids and fights them easily, he can't be trusted near people."
The father sighs and also leaves the room, following his wife out. "You sure you want a second child?" he whispers to his wife. "I think we'll have a better chance with another. We can pretend Hongjoong never existed and start fresh. We know how to take care of a kid and are more mature now, I think we should raise a child to be better than the first," she responds.
The two have been discussing this for a while now, but both have doubts now and again. "I agree with you, let's send Hongjoong away to boarding school as soon as he finished primary school," the father suggests.
The mother bites her lip and glances in the direction of the living room, where her son sits. "It's for the best. I hope he learns to become like an ordinary kid there."
6th June
1999
Hongjoong stares intently at his six month old baby sister sitting on her chair. She simply stares back at him with her large eyes. Without even blinking, Hongjoong covers his face with his hands. His sister watches curiously, her hands already reaching out to find her brother's face again.
"Peek-a-boo!" he shouts while uncovering his eyes quickly. As usual, the sister laughs uncontrollably. Hongjoong can't stop himself from laughing with her, completely obsessed with his endearing sibling.
Ever since Kim Jangmi was born six months ago, Hongjoong has been over the moon. Not only does he have someone else to give his love to, but he's not alone anymore. He doesn't long to go outside with the other kids anymore and is mostly occupied with his sister.
On top of that, she actually returns this love to him. Hongjoong never knew how it felt before, but now it's like a whole new world has opened to him. He spends most of his free time playing with his sister and even takes care of her sometimes, even though he's too young to do most things.
It's clear Jangmi has taken a liking to her brother. She smiles the most when she's with him. She hasn't cried in his presence before, it nearly seems like she likes him more than her own parents.
Their parents shower Jangmi with more than plenty of love, but her big eyes are always on her brother. The feeling of constantly being loved and the centre of attention of someone pushed Hongjoong to grow very close to her.
He doesn't realise yet that he'll soon notice the difference in the way his parents treat him compared to his sister.
The parents always watch them, especially when Hongjoong is near her. They're scared beyond belief that he will hurt her even though it doesn't seem like he would. It does bother them that their daughter loves their son more than them. Their abnormal son.
"Having Jangmi so soon wasn't a good idea, we can't even send Hongjoong away yet," the dad whispers. The mother's conflicting feelings have faded a little in these past five years and she nods. "I feel terrified whenever he goes near her."
While the parents are distracted in their conversation, Hongjoong decides that he wants to hold her for the first time. He reaches out and picks her out of her chair with some difficulty, this being his first time holding a baby. He manages to old Jangmi in a way that she won't get hurt, trying his best to imitate the way his parents hold her. The entire time, the little girl stays silent and wraps her arms around her brother happily.
Hongjoong feels a strong burst of joy while holding her, and can't help but start grinning widely.
But this moment is cut short when a loud gasp sounds throughout the room.
Their mother comes speeding to them and quickly pulls Jangmi out of Hongjoong's arms and holds her tight, ignoring Jangmi's loud cries. His father's face is glowing with rage and he stomps to the confused boy. A hard slap to the face is not something the little boy was expecting and he stares back at his father with tears flowing down his burning cheek.
"I told you, you can never lay a finger on her! What were you planning to do behind our backs? What did my innocent daughter do to deserve a brother like you?" he screams straight at his son's face.
The sound of Jangmi wailing becomes background noise to Hongjoong and somehow this slap hurt way more than any of the others. And he guesses it's probably because of the words he's just been told.
What has he ever done to his sister? Nothing at all, he would never hurt someone he adores so much. Being accused of wanting to hurt her hurts, but what he said after hurts more.
"What did my innocent daughter do to deserve a brother like you?"
He has always wanted to be a good brother to her, so hearing that he's treating her wrong gives the boy agony.
He dashes out of the room in tears, heading straight to his own bedroom.
Meanwhile, both parents tend to Jangmi. "Don't cry, it's okay now. He's gone now, everything will get better," they coo to her.
Hongjoong cries by himself in his room, his mind running with thoughts. What can he do to prove himself worthy to his parents? Why can't he be cherished the same way as his sister? Why is he not allowed to love her?
When will they stop looking down on me so much?