Emily
After Logan's confession, I feel like he's already miles and miles away even though he's sitting right next to me.
Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I thought that I figured him out for a split second, that he's the kind of guy who adores life and wears his heart on his sleeve; that he's kind, and honest, and funny, and - it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter because he's not. That guy wouldn't treat his girlfriend the way Logan does. And it hurts - not because he's in love with her, but because he's not who I wanted him to be.
So I do what I do best: I withdraw. I get lost in my thoughts and feel my energy slowly subside until I'm way too drained to function. The deeper I fall, the louder the demons get. The demons and fears that I've tried so hard to silence are always the same anchor I go back to.
And they whisper all kinds of things to me. They remind me that the people I love are always bound to leave me: My parents, Adam, Elsie. They tell me that I'm impossible to love back, that I'll always be alone, and that the world is ugly. The world is so damn ugly. All my worst memories are revoked, swirling in circles in my mind, and I can't make it stop.
I'm stuck in my mind with them and all I can do is watch as my own heart breaks over and over again. I feel Logan's hand on my shoulder, nudging me. He's probably calling my name too. But in these moments, my thoughts are so palpable that it's hard to come back. But his green eyes pull me back.
"I'll call Adam and ask him for a ride," I barely make out. I don't look at his reaction. I pull out my phone and text Adam. Drunk @ MM. Come get us?
He'll probably flip shit when he reads this. I don't really care.
The waiter comes back, and tries to make conversation. Logan is being an asshole and flat out ignores him. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I plaster a fake smile and just answer his questions about the mountains kindly. It takes him ten more minutes to figure out who I am. I'm actually surprised that he did. Not many people care about mountain climbers here.
Finally, Adam comes to the rescue after about fifteen more minutes. He's fuming. Logan notices too, so he refrains from saying anything stupid for once in his life.
When we get to my car, I give Adam my keys and sit in the front seat while Logan takes the backseat. I lean my head against the window, focusing on the city as Adam's scolding fades away into background noise. My eyes slowly flutter before shutting down, and before I know it, I'm already asleep.
After we reach home, I go straight to my room. I barely get to shower and change into comfy PJs before the door knocks.
"Go away," I answer back. Of course, Adam takes that as a "Come in". He shuts the door behind him and sits on the edge of my bed. I bury my head in my pillow.
"Are we going to talk about what happened today?" He asks.
I don't say anything back, so he scoots closer. "Logan told me that you saw Elsie."
My eyebrows shoot up. "He did what?!"
"I forced the words out of him."
"He's such an asshole. I hate him." I bury my head back.
"I grounded him for two weeks."
"He's supposed to leave in a week. You promised."
"I know. I'm sorry. Talking to Jade is like talking to bricks. What happened with Elsie?"
I let out a long exhale. "Nothing."
For a split second, I'm back at the park and she's holding my hand and asking me to play with her again. Except this time, I lead the way to the playground. We play at the dollhouse a princess game, where she pretends that she's Snow White and I'm one of the dwarfs. Snow white has always been her favorite Disney movie.
"Her hair has gotten so long now, you know?" I smile, remembering that the last time I saw her, it barely touched her shoulders.
Adam smiles. "Does she still hate ponytails?"
I nod.
"Cute. She loves you very much, Em. She does."
I gulp, looking away. "I don't want to talk about it. Can I be alone, please?"
He pouts before pulling out a USB from his pocket. "But I have Avengers 1 and 2 on this USB right here. Feel like wasting the next five hours of our lives?"
My heart skips a beat for a second and I try to fight a smile but I can't.
"I also stole some weed from one of my resident students."
I grin like a Cheshire cat. "I'll go make some popcorn."
Before I can move, he holds his arms wide open. I give him a warm tight hug. His big arms engulfed me back. We stay like this for about two minutes. My heart hurts for him - because I love him so damn much it actually hurts. I don't know what I'd do without him.
"Thank you," I murmur into his neck.
"I love you so much. You're always going to be my baby girl," He whispers back.
I smile, swallowing back my tears, because at this moment, my demons are all soothed back to sleep. It's just me, and the one person who has taught me what unconditional love means.
When I go to the kitchen to make some popcorn, Logan is on the couch playing some video game. He glances at me before pausing his video game. "I got grounded for two weeks. What about you? Hopefully he wasn't too tough on you."
I want to tell him that he got me weed, but instead I just shrug. "Same," I say.
He follows me into the kitchen. "What are you doing?"
I raise an eyebrow at him as I hold the popcorn box. "Making popcorn?"
"Cool. Can I have some?"
I roll my eyes. "You can make your own."
"Yeah, but you're already making some."
"You're so annoying," I sigh, but end up adding some more.
He smirks before sitting on the counter. I cross my hands on my chest, tapping my feet impatiently as I wait for the popcorn machine to beep. The silence is so awkward.
"Hey, Em?"
"Hm?"
He bites his lower lip for a second. "Did I do something stupid again?"
I eye him suspiciously. I hate that he still looks handsome in over-sized hoodies and baggy sweatpants. I'd look like I've been on meth for ten years if I wore that outfit.
"You always do stupid things. But like, define stupid."
"Like something-that-made-you-mad-at-me-stupid."
I frown. Not mad, disappointed. But instead, I don't say anything. In moments like these, my heart tugs at me because if he was an arrogant selfish douche-bag, he wouldn't be so gentle and... vulnerable. He wouldn't always check if he did something dumb. Oh my God, and we're back into the same freaking cycle.
Except this time, I decide that I don't want to think about anything. I just want to eat popcorn and get high. So I give him a small smile and shrug. "I'm always mad. Don't take it too personally."
He seems genuinely surprised. "Errr - you okay? Here let me check your fever -"
"If you touch my face, I'll turn your fingertips into popcorn and dip them in cheddar cheese."
He raises his hands defensively and the popcorn machine beeps at the same time. I get the large bowl and place most of the popcorn inside, leaving a very small portion for Logan.
"Hey! Why do you need all this bowl? How are you even going to finish all of this?!"
"Who says it's for me alone?"
"Huh?"
"Emily, I'm getting old waiting!" Adam shouts from my room.
Logan's face falls. "Oh."
"Yeah... we're having an Avengers' marathon..."
Logan's facial expression becomes unreadable as he purses his lips. "Cool, cool."
Another awkward silence. I turn to leave, with my plate but I almost stop. I almost ask him to join us, because duh, I'm not a complete bitch. And I do - I turn around - but he's back to playing his PS4 dumb game and I'm still an emotional roller coaster so I go back. I go back to my room and plaster on the biggest smile for Adam who has already set up the movie on my TV screen and organized the pillows in a comfy way.
But all throughout the five hours of the movies, even though I'm high as fuck and supposedly floating - the feeling of guilt lingers.