Time disappeared as Robin sat in a dazed state on his bed. Darkness surrounded him in the bare room, where even the lightbulbs had been unscrewed.
His mother knew everything, and she had taken everything she could. Everything but Ty, but maybe Robin would lose him. Because even if she couldn't force Robin to come home, what other options would he have once the semester was over? He had no money to pay tuition or support himself with. His situation was hopeless. His mind tried to figure out a way forward but was blocked by anxiety and despair at every turn.
Letting despair take over, he fell over on the bed, curling up in fetal position.
Something soft nudged against his cheek. Surprised, Robin reached for the item. It was Tyler's fleece pajama pants with ice cream cones on them. His mother must have left them behind, not wanting such vile items in her home. Balling the fuzzy pants up, he clasped the clothing item to his chest, letting his nose take in the wondrous scent.
Sweet vanilla and tangy lemon. The smell of hope and freedom.
Perhaps his situation wasn't hopeless. Perhaps there was a way. Perhaps he could do this.
As his hands clasped the comforting fabric, he felt something lumpy underneath. Shoving his hand into one of the pockets, he found a hidden treasure. A green lollipop with apple flavor. Tyler must have put it there in case he needed a late-night snack.
Robin kind of needed a snack right now. So he unsheeted the candy and popped it between his lips.
Slowly, as the sweet flavor reached his taste buds, all the mounting problems shading Robin's mind started to be outshone by solutions. He could get a job. He could sleep on Des' couch. He could slowly but surely path his way toward freedom.
He could be with Ty. That was the most important thing.
A sting of longing awoke in his chest. He needed Ty by his side now. He needed pats on his hair, arms around his chest, and encouraging kisses.
Ty... Robin realized he'd left Ty without even telling him where he was going. Afraid of his mother's wrath, he had only thought of protecting Ty from her. He'd left without a word, just like Tyler's mother once had done. And to add insult to injury, Robin had left during what was supposed to be a celebration in his boyfriend's honor.
Fuck!
Perhaps he'd lost Tyler too. Perhaps there would be no more kisses.
Terrified of his boyfriend's reaction to his disappearing act, Robin pulled up his phone from his pocket and pressed to call Ty. The signals ringed out into the ether, with no one picking up on the other end.
Robin felt eerily like his mother as he called over and over. But his calls weren't out of an urge to possess but rather out of an urge to apologize and explain. And most of all, he needed someone to hold him just for a little while.
But the calls kept ringing to deaf ears. And with every call a knife twister further into Robin's chest. Tyler must be mad at him for leaving.
Between the calls to Tyler, he shot away a call to Des. He didn't want to call her as Tyler may change his mind and call back.
"Are you with Ty?" he asked.
"No," the reply soon came back. "I'm with Sarah and Hernan at the alpaca farm. They will drive me home. Where are you? Tyler said you left because you had to study."
"At home. My mother knows," he simply replied, before trying to call Ty once again. It appeared Tyler had covered for him by giving a reason for his disappearance. Which made him long for his boyfriend even more, indicating that Tyler--despite what Robin had done--didn't want him to look bad.
Still no reply. The knife twister further. Suddenly he didn't care about not having any money, clothes, or even food. Robin only cared about Tyler.
If he couldn't get Tyler to pick up, perhaps there was another way. Robin grabbed his car keys. Hopefully, there was enough gas still in it to take him where he needed to go.
About fifteen minutes later, he stood in the Caster Family's garden. Bitter winds bit his cheeks and ravaged his hands as he looked upon the pale brick house. Tyler had pointed Robin toward his room during the party, so he knew which window on the second floor was his. The light was still on. Meaning Tyler was awake and actively ignoring his calls.
Ringing the doorbell felt too daunting. Tyler's whole family was probably angry at him for abandoning his boyfriend, and he didn't want to explain it to them all. He just wanted to explain to Tyler.
A tree with sweeping branches stood right below Tyler's window. Perhaps he could use that to climb his way to his love. After all, that always seemed to work in cheesy high school movies. Teenagers' windows were nothing but second doors and trees were as easy to ascend as stairs. Otherwise, his only other option was to profess his love with a boom box below Tyler's window and that seemed way too noisy for Robin's taste. And he also didn't bring a boom box.
Spurred on my love and desperation, Robin grabbed one of the lower branches. It seemed to hold his weight as he pulled it down. Feeling slightly more confident in the endeavor, he put his left foot on the trunk. The next step was trickier. Leveraging himself with the help of the branch, he pulled himself upward.
He went up. And then he went down. The branch snapped in his hand and he tumbled down on the lawn below. The impact took the air out of him as he landed flat on his back.
For a moment, he laid there, looking up at the twinkling stars. Tyler seemed as far away as those distant galaxies, despite being only one floor up from the grass where Robin lay.
"You need a hand?" The voice startled Robin. He looked up to see a man in sweat pants, hoodie, and earphones step out of the darkness. The cropped blonde hair gave away the connection to the Caster family.
"I... uh, was just... looking," Robin explained eloquently. He pushed himself up on his elbows to get a closer look. "You're... Lance, right?" There had been a lot of names and faces during the party but Robin had put Tyler's cousin to memory as that's who Tyler would be staying with for his upcoming hospital visit. It appeared the two cousins were close.
The man nodded. "That's me," he said. "I was just coming back from a run and heard a noise. I thought it was a raccoon."
"I'm Tyler's boyfriend," Robin replied, hoping that was still true.
"I remember you from the party. Robin right? I did wonder where you went during the party. Tyler looked kind of sad but he insisted he was fine."
"I had to take care or something," Robin mumbled. "But now I really need to talk to Tyler."
"Calling him would perhaps be easier," Lance suggested, but his demeanor didn't seem hostile.
"He won't pick up," Robin admitted. "I... screwed up. I shouldn't have left. I think he's mad at me now. And I just need to explain." He quickly brushed off a few stray tears. It was enough of a bad impression that he'd just been trying to break into Lance's family's house. He didn't need to look pathetic too. "I can't lose him."
Robin looked up, afraid of what the reaction to his heartfelt plea would be. He couldn't handle more rejection today.
A hand was stretched toward him. "Come on," Lance said, pulling Robin off the grass. "I'll let you in through the backdoor and ask Ty if he wants to talk to you. Can't have you laying here on the lawn."
As Robin brushed off some grass, Lance picked up the branches Robin had torn down and threw them into a bush. "Just so my dad won't wonder what happened to the tree." He shrugged and smiled, putting a hand on Robin's shoulder to lead him inside.
***
"Tyler, there's someone who wants to talk to you here." Lance knocked gently on the door to his cousin's room. "Your boyfriend."
A groan was heard from the other side of the door. "Let him in, I guess."
Lance slid the door open to reveal Tyler sitting under the covers of his bed. Brightly colored soccer posters adorned every wall of the bedroom--Robin wondered if Ty ever fantasized about the handsome players--and along the shelves stood trophies and other accolades for achievements on the green field. The floor was filled with piles of clothes, candy wrappers, and crumbled school papers. It appeared Aunt Donna didn't bother with cleaning her nephew's room too often, and he obviously couldn't be trusted to execute such tasks himself
An animated movie played on the TV in front of Tyler and across his lap his little sister lay, snoozing away. "Can you take her maybe?" Tyler asked his cousin, gesturing toward the sleeping child. "Put her in her own bed."
Carefully, Lance lifted the limp child from the covers, rocking her slowly to make sure she didn't wake up. "I'll be in my room," he whispered, gesturing toward the wall that adjoined their rooms. Perhaps also cluing them in on that he would hear if they got up to any shenanigans."If you need anything, I mean."
Tyler nodded in reply and Lance exited the room. Robin was finally alone with his boyfriend. He could finally say everything he'd wanted to say. But no words came to mind. His tongue was tied and his mind blank.
Tyler didn't speak either. Instead, his gaze remained focused on the action on the TV screen, where snowmen had burst into song.
Slowly, Robin moved closer. He sat down at the edge of the bed. Without words to communicate, he needed to show affection another way. So inch by inch, he reached his hand toward Tyler. He could see Tyler glaring toward the approaching hand, but he didn't move his hand as Robin got closer.
A stroke across a finger. A circle over a palm. A light squeeze of warmth.
"I tried to call you," Robin mumbled.
"I didn't want to talk," Tyler replied, eyes hidden under unruly hair. "But since you came all this way... Just tell me."
"What?" Robin asked, confused about what Tyler meant.
"Just break up with me." Ty's voice broke as he said the words. Impossible words. "I'm too much. With my damn leg and everything..." his hand flapped across the blanket that covered the leg that ended below the knee. "And me bringing you home to my family to introduce you as my boyfriend. I knew it was too much too fast. But I was just so..." his voice cracked again. "I was just so proud and happy to be with you, Robby."
"I'm not breaking up with you, Ty." Robin squeezed the hand in his, astounded that Tyler could even think of such a thing. Breaking up was the last thing he wanted to do."I'm proud and happy to be with you too."
"Then why... why did you leave?" Leaning forward, Tyler covered his face in his hands. "You didn't even tell me, Robby. I needed you there. It was my birthday. I need to know you'll be there for me when I need you. I'm fucking disabled." His voice took on a sharp sting of anger as his hand once again flapped over the injured leg. "And things won't be always easy. I'm going to have to learn how to walk again once I have my prosthetic, and the doctor told me I might need surgery again next year. I need to know you won't bail on me. I can't worry about our relationship as well. Not with everything else going on."
"I didn't mean to bail on you," Robin insisted, playing with the strings on his hoodie as the intensity of the conversation made him nervous. "I won't bail on you again, Ty. I promise."
Robin needed to keep that promise. So he would have to find a way to stand on his own and pay his tuition. There was no other option.
"Then tell me why you left today." The demand was simple, yet so difficult.
"I shouldn't have left. I had to... tend to something." The whole ordeal with his mother seemed like too much to put on Tyler. That was Robin's own burden. "It wasn't about you. I want to be with you. But..." he hesitated on what to tell Tyler, but he had to say something. "... my mother called. She knows about us. I had to go talk to her. I didn't want to tell you because she's not like your family. She's not... understanding."
Tears welled up in his eyes at the mere thought of how accepting and kind Tyler's whole family had been. No one had even for a moment questioned their relationship. Lance had even let Robin into the house after he'd vandalized the garden outside.
"She's not fine with us being together?"
Robin pondered how to explain things. His mother wasn't an easily solved enigma. "My mom's not well," he started. "Mentally, I mean. You know she did things to me when I was a child. Things to control me. And she still does those kinds of things. She can't let me just be myself. She wants me to be whatever she imagines me to be. I tried to come out to her before, but she didn't want to hear it. But it's not really about me being gay, I think. It's about me being my own person, separate from her. A person who makes his own choices. A person who wants to be with you, Ty."
Robin didn't tell his boyfriend about her decision to no longer pay his tuition as that would perhaps make Tyler worry he wouldn't be able to be there for him as he'd promised.
The hand in Robin's pulled him closer. Close enough for an arm to wrap around him. The embrace was warm and comforting. "I'm sorry she's like that, Robby," Tyler said, patting his boyfriend's back. "That sounds awful. I wish you'd told me. I could have come with you."
For a few moments, they just sat there, cuddled close together. Reveling in each other's scent, touch, and warmth. This was how Robin always wanted things to be.
"Does that mean we're... alright? Like together?" Robin asked anxiously.
Tyler suddenly distanced himself slightly, putting a barrier of cold air between them. But his hand remained attached to Robin's. "I... don't know. I'm sorry, Robby. Maybe this is just... too much. To be in a relationship. We both have so much else going on. I want to be with you... so damn much, but I don't know if I can. Like I don't want to have to hide from your mother forever. I want to be out and proud."
That was all Robin wanted too. But he knew that couldn't be as long as his mother's shadow loomed over him. "I will sort things out with her, I promise. Just give me some time, Ty." Tears flooded Robin's eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Ty, or abandon you. Please don't do this. I want to be with you too."
"I don't want to... break up, Robby." Tyler sobbed as well now. "But maybe we have to... to sort ourselves out first. Because I need to know you'll be there for me and I want to be able to be there for you as well. I don't want to go too fast. Like... I can't even walk. I can't be running right now. So maybe we should... cool things down a bit while I go away to Halifax. I can focus on stuff concerning my leg and you can focus on sorting things out with your mother."
Robin nodded. He didn't want to cool things down, but he did need some time to sort out his life. "I will figure things out, Ty, and I will be there for you. I promise. We'll be out and proud, together."
He squeezed the trembling hand in his. It was still there, after all. He wouldn't let it slip away. He would fight to keep it there.