THE TRUTH — angst
bonus chapter five
Korei strayed from Shinsou after that night. It was like she was trying to stay as distant as possible, and that thoroughly angered the boy. She was almost never where he looked for her. It made him regret not running after her that night. He was just so...pissed and he didn't want to hit her or anything again. After cooling off and taking some time to think things over, he decided that breaking up was the best option. It was obvious that Korei wanted to try new things and be with different people, which most definitely hurt Shinsou's feelings, but he also didn't want to stunt her emotional growth. He didn't want her to look back on their relationship and trace all of her emotional trauma right back to it.
It had been days, almost a few weeks since that mishap. Denki told Shinsou that Korei hadn't talked to him at all, which was exactly how she was with Shinsou. Hell, she didn't even show up to tutor him! Korei just...ignored them. It brought Shinsou to worry about her. He wanted to know that she was okay...and he wanted to talk to her about what had happened, but she wasn't ever in her dorm. She didn't even meet him in the showers anymore! Shinsou talked to all of her friends, asking them if she told them where she'd be but they had no clue. They didn't even know that she was having relationship issues with Shinsou, but it made sense why she was so...off now.
As Shinsou stared at his ceiling, he thought over everything that happened. Korei didn't respond to his texts anymore...so he stopped texting. She refused to meet up where they always did...so he stopped waiting. Is this really how she wanted their break-up to go? Why the hell was she avoiding him?! That's so childish!
Huffing out an angry breath, Shinsou rolled over and looked at the walls in his room. The poster he stared at had something to do with space, though he never really understood it. He just remembered his dad buying him it one day when they were shopping together. His dad always loved the stars. A lightbulb went off above Shinsou's head as he quickly sat up. How come he never thought to look there?!
— fluoxetine —
Korei was sitting on the roof, her back pressed against the brick wall as she stared up at the starry sky. She had been up there every night throughout the week. Most of her time was spent looking up at its beauty. It's no wonder that people started believing in mystical beings. The universe was far too divine to have no explanation. But why does it have to have an explanation? Why does anything need to be explained? Korei just wanted to exist without fear of letting someone down. She finally understood why Shinsou never wanted to plan things out. She swore she'd never make plans again.
"Korei?" It didn't sound like much of a question, in fact, it didn't sound like he held any emotion for her whatsoever. The chubby girl looked over at her boyfriend, if she could even still call him that, and waited for him to join her. "I've been looking for you..." He said, walking over and taking a seat beside her. He wanted to yell...and scream about how much he hated this, but he chose not to. Not everything needed to be made into such a big deal.
"Sorry," she whispered back to him, her gaze returning back up to the stars. "I never meant to hurt you." He was kind of shocked by how quick she was to bring up what happened. Had she been thinking about it every night? It hasn't left her mind once. "It was gross of me to...do that..." Shinsou just sat there, letting her talk about everything that went through her head. He hoped that she'd let him do the same. "I h-hope you don't hate me but I'd completely understand if you do," she mumbled out, her hands suddenly placed on the ground beneath her. Heaving a deep sigh, she continued to talk. "I'm in love with you...like to the point where I don't think I could ever love anyone else in the same way. I will never be able to let you go..." she confessed, turning her head to look at him. Shinsou's gaze was stuck on her hand, the want to place his atop it nearly making him ignore why he came here. "Please don't leave me?"
"Korei..." And just the way he said her name made her start to cry. She knew he was breaking up with her! Shinsou frowned, looking at her face before having to look somewhere else. He slowly lifted his arm up and she immediately buried herself into his side. Swallowing around the choked feeling, Shinsou started to say what he wanted to. "I didn't want this to end..." he started, immediately cut off by Korei's loud sobs. "Please...stop crying?" He sounded so strained when he spoke but all Korei could hear was him leaving her.
"W-what's the point?! Y-you're leav-leaving me!" She cried out, holding onto him even tighter. Shinsou didn't know what to do, his heart telling him to just forget about breaking up with her and to hold her until his skin rotted off and his bones fell apart. However, his brain was telling him that he needed to let her go so that they could both figure things out. In the movies, people typically need a break when stuff like this happens.
"Y-you..." His voice broke and he swallowed his words. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and mentally prepared himself. He needed to be calm while doing this. If he broke down and cried the way he wanted to then Korei would just try to comfort him and it would make him love her even more. It would make him stay with her. "You were my best friend..." He eased out, his chest feeling tight all of a sudden. "I-i don't think I'll ever like someone as much as I like you...a-and!" He spoke that last word with a jump in his voice, the franticness of his thoughts being displayed to Korei who was still crying and clutching him tightly. "That scares me, Korei! I am honestly terrified of just how much I want you. W-we're fucking kids! Children! We can't be feeling things like this! I-it's not...possible!"
"B-but if you're feeling that way...how come you're saying it's not possible?" She asked through sniffles and tears. Refusing to let him go, she just looked up at his face. His handsome face. She'd never love another face as much as she loves his. Despite being sickly pale with deep purple bags under his eyes from his lack of sleep, Korei couldn't help but be attracted to him. It was hard to explain exactly why she loves him but that's why she thinks that things don't need explanations. "Obviously it's possible since you're feeling that way. I-I feel like that too! I don't want to be with anyone else, ever! I just want you!"
"But you don't," he sighed sadly, shaking his head and staring up at the stars. His eyes were tearing up and he seriously couldn't believe that he was doing this to himself. "Y-you said you wanted to be wi-with that one guy...that one time. A-and just the other day with..." he trailed off, unable to say Denki's name. He was so angry that his girlfriend would do that to him but he knew it all along! He said it after they nearly broke up the first time! The fact that Korei was so similar to Denki set up major red flags for Shinsou! And when she wouldn't tell him not to flirt with her! She was always super friendly to the boy so it makes sense why she'd fantasize about him. Shinsou didn't want her to go and be with someone else...but he didn't want her to feel trapped with him. No matter what he's threatened before, he'd never force Korei to love him. "And that's all okay! You can go a-and figure that stuff out! I-I don't want to let you go but...I'm afraid that it'll hurt us both even more if one continues to hold on while the other slowly slips away."
"But it's hurting me now! It's hurting me that you don't want to stay!" Her voice suddenly went hoarse from all the crying, and it forced Shinsou to look down at her. His free hand reached up to cup her reddened cheek, thumb brushing the hot tears away as they fell. Korei stared up at him, her vision slightly blurred. With the way the moonlight caressed his features, he looked like an angel. "You s-said that you weren't letting me go because you st-still loved me. D-do you not love me anymore?"
"No," he choked on the lie, knowing that the truth would only hurt her more. She couldn't wrap her heart around him wanting them to separate if he still loved her, so making her think that he didn't would help her cope easier. "I-i fell out of it a while ago..." This is not what he wanted to say. That's the problem with lies; they always take over and continue to grow. He was digging himself a hole and it was just getting deeper.
"I don't believe you," she whispered after finding her voice again. Everything stopped her, the rushing of blood in her ears, the sound of her heartbeat, the crickets' symphony. Nature knew that something bad was about to happen. "That is not true! Why would you look for me if you just wa-wanted to say that? You could have just let i-it fall apart on its own!"
"Korei, how else would you have gotten closure from it?" He asked her, watching as she pushed his hand away from her. She quickly scooted away from him before standing up. The disbelief was evident on her face and it hurt Shinsou to see it. He wasn't meaning to hurt her but he just couldn't stop. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because you just told me that you didn't love me anymore! How the fuck am I supposed to look at you?" She asked, her hands shaking at her sides. Shinsou stayed where he sat, looking up at Korei with an unreadable expression. If she had anything to throw at him then she would have. "I-i don't even know what to say to you, Hitoshi! What the fuck?!"
"Does that make you mad, Korei? Does that fucking upset you?" He asked, his tone turning more and more bitter. Now he wasn't being calm like he wanted, he was just being mean. But there wasn't anything he could do to stop it! He was going to say things he didn't want to and he was going to hurt Korei! She doesn't have the right to be mad at him for telling her that he didn't love her anymore. Sure, it was a fucking lie, but she practically cheated right in front of him! "Does it make you question all the times that I told you how I felt? It makes your blood fucking boil, doesn't it?"
"Of course, it does! Why the hell would you say that?!" She exclaimed, her tears falling faster now that she was angry. "Why do you want me to feel like this? Why are you doing this to me?" She brokenly asked him, so confused and hurt that he would do something like this! She didn't deserve to be tortured!
"Do you not understand that you made me feel exactly like that? I would lay awake for days wondering why the fuck you'd keep telling me that you loved me if you were just going to think about some other guy!" Shinsou exploded, his anger getting the best of him. He didn't want to be shouting. He didn't even want to be so upset! He just wanted Korei to know that she had hurt him first. "Y-you told me that you had met someone else and that he made you feel things you didn't understand. Th-that wasn't even the first time that you made me feel so fucking insignificant to you! Why the hell are you acting like you're hurting? This is what you wanted! You don't love me!"
"Yes, I do!" She shouted right back at him, not even thinking about any consequences. Her fear of being hit was pretty much gone right now, seeing as though Shinsou was sitting on the ground and she was standing a few feet away from him. "I love you so much! I-if you think that you're the only one who's felt like shit in this relationship then you're wrong! Don't act like I haven't noticed the girls talking to you! The way you're constantly texting on the phone when you used to tell me that I'm the only person who you even texted. I-i used to think it was just your mom but sh-she calls you when she wants to talk!" Korei's insecurities were suddenly being laid out on the floor, alongside Shinsou's. They had to get this out...but it wasn't going to put them back together. "I'm not an idiot. I-i know I'm not the prettiest, b-but you...made me think I was."
"Other girls? Korei, I-i don't talk to other girls," Shinsou mumbled, so entirely confused by what she was saying. He was still angry but he wasn't going to shout about something he didn't know anything about. "What the hell are you talking about? I text Kaminari, you know, the guy you wanna fuck? But I don't fucking talk to other girls! You're the only thing I need in my life, a-and sure you're annoying sometimes but I was so in love with you. I just wanted you and nobody else. I never even dreamt of someone else," he expressed passionately. Korei went quiet, suddenly questioning all the things that she had thought and felt. Why did she think that he did all those things? Was she just trying to justify her cheating? "You were my everything...a-and now we're just...nothing."
"Don't say that, Toshi. Please?" She mumbled, easing herself back down. She sat a few ways away, her face suddenly shoved into her hands as she let the sobs rake through her once more. There was so much going on that she didn't understand! How was she supposed to feel? What was she supposed to say? Everything hurts but she made it this way. Is she allowed to feel upset? Is she even allowed to beg Shinsou to stay? She didn't know! She's never witnessed a break-up! "I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what to do without you. I-it's always been you s-so now what? What am I supposed to do when I love you so much and you don't want anything to do with me anymore? I-i know that I messed up but how was I supposed to know what to do? It all happened so fast!"
"You were supposed to say no!" Shinsou shouted, smacking his leg for dramatic effect. "You were supposed to tell him to leave and stop being so fucking weird!" She looked up at him, a mess of snot and tears all in one. Her face was red and splotchy from the anger and sadness, tears streaming down her cheeks and snot pouring from her nose. Though this was the ugliest she's ever been, Shinsou couldn't be more in love.
"Why didn't you say any of that? I-if you wanted him gone, why didn't you tell him to go? Why didn't you wait until he was out of the room? Why couldn't you?" She asked the good questions, but they didn't make any sense to Shinsou.
"Because I wanted you to do it! I wanted you to show me that you only wanted me! And you didn't!" He didn't even realize that he was crying until he felt the tears roll down his chin and onto his neck. Angry, and feeling grossed out by the sticky feeling of his dried tears on his neck, he roughly wiped them away with the inside of his shirt. "Y-you were supposed to love me, Korei. You were supposed to t-tell him no and make him go away, bu-but you made out with him! And moaned his name!" Though he knew that he could have stopped it with an interruption, he still felt so hurt that she'd even let it happen. "I-i can't sleep because I'm picturing you with him. It's not something that I want to do but it fucking hurts! No matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head!" His throat hurt now but he wasn't sure if it was from the yelling or the crying...or maybe it was a mix of both. "When did you start feeling like I wasn't enough for you? O-or was I ever even enough? Was this all just a fucking ploy that you had planned? You pick the ugliest guy in the class just to break his heart because you don't feel good enough about yourself? Fucking get over yourself, Korei! No one cares that you're fat, you're hot as fuck!"
Korei stared at him in shock, not knowing how to react or even how to feel. She wanted to go over there and comfort him because he was crying, but she couldn't move. She was frozen, but not from fear. "Hoshi..." she tried to speak and he wouldn't let her. His head shook from side to side and he felt the need to throw something. There was nothing for him to throw so that was good.
"I get to talk! I listened to you so now you listen to me!" He spat, pointing with his shaky finger. Everything hurt. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear from the world forever. "I never cared about your weight, o-or how insecure you felt! I loved you completely. I wanted to hold you in my arms until the end of time. I-i wrote poems upon poems about the way you fucking smiled. You made me feel like I was floating! I never even fathomed the idea of cheating on you! You were my world, my fucking universe! You were all the stars in the sky and even the sky itself! When you laughed...I couldn't breathe...and that scared the fuck outta me. Can't you see that I would have done anything for you? Absolutely anything? You were all that I wanted."
"I'm sorry," she cried, unsure of everything. How was she supposed to respond? What the fuck is she supposed to do? It hurts, even more, knowing just how much she was hurting him throughout the whole relationship. "I-i didn't know! If I knew-!"
"What? If you knew just how fucking in love with you I a-was, what the fuck would you have done?" He asked, wishing that his vision wasn't so blurred right now. He wanted to see her clearly since he knew it'd be the last time he got to look at her so closely. "You wouldn't have kissed Denki? You wouldn't have been thinking about some other guy while we were together? What would you have done? Frankly, I don't think much would have changed. I just think you'd have hidden it from me."
"H-hoshi, I would never do that!" Korei tried to talk but he wasn't listening to her anymore. He was done; emotionally drained. He had done what he wanted and now he just wanted to leave.
"It's fine, Korei. I'm not asking you to lie. W-we ran our course. We fucked things up and it's done now. You get to learn more about yourself and I get to try and fix all of the issues that I have." He sighed, slowly calming himself down to how he was before. He needed a hug. "I loved you with everything I had and it wasn't enough. It just goes to show that we really weren't ready for this. M-maybe in the future? When we're older or whatever, I don't know. We'll have to figure that out. Just...let me focus on being a hero, yeah? I can't be who you want if I'm not who I need to be." With that said, he stood to his feet and started brushing his pants off. The stars still shimmered brightly, dying alongside Shinsou and Korei. "I'm sorry that I treated you so horribly, and I'm sorry that I couldn't control my anger. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed...but...if I'm ever what you want..." his voice trailed off as he looked directly at her broken self. "You know how to contact me."
"Toshi?" She tried to get out, weakly whispering his name as he turned away from her. Korei watched him walk away...leaving her all alone on the rooftop. If this was the end of their story then she'd never be able to love again. "Please don't leave me..." she said to nothing, praying that the wind would carry the words to him but knowing that it wasn't possible. So she fell into her sadness, letting it swallow her whole. Yet again she was all alone. Everyone always leaves.
fluoxetine