Bucky's POV 9 AM later that morning
Softly groaning, Bucky rolled over onto his back and stretched out his right arm to bring Juno over into his side. But the spot where she was supposed to be was empty and cold as was the feeling in his chest when he remembers they were no longer together. Opening his eyes he confirmed that she was gone by turning his head to the side. His stomach clenches knowing that she left without waking him up to at least say goodbye before she hopped on a plane to put a whole ocean between them. Though, there on her pillow was a bright pink sticky note. Sitting up he reads it with mixed emotions.
Juno would do this when she needed to tell him something but words simply weren't enough. She would pick a song and write it along with the artist's name for him to listen to when he had the time. The first time she’d done it had been the very first day they officially met. Soon after Buck would regularly find post-its all around the Compound from her. Everyone knew they were from Juno to Bucky so they would leave them alone for him to find. When she began this little habit of hers Sam had teased him about them. That is until she had gotten everyone started on a playlist from her post-its recommendations or to him her hidden messages.
Laying back down he hugged Juno’s pillow to his chest to smell her shampoo and perfume left on it. This was really happening. Juno was gone for good. Bucky's heart felt like it was being torn out of his chest all over again to be tossed into a blender and ground down to mush. Leaning over the side of the bed he dug through his pants for his phone and pulled up the Spotify app Jun had installed on it for him. Typing the song in the search engine he pressed play and lay back listening as Sam Smith sang about his heartbreak and what he needed to do now without his lover. Hitting play again he listened to it one more time before he got up to get dressed and left.
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At the Compound 10:30 AM
Paying the cab driver Bucky defeatedly turned to head inside when he saw Steve sitting on one of the benches beside the front door. Not in the mood for a lecture about breaking his promise he ignored him. Steve of course followed behind him calling out for him to stop. "Buck–"
"Save it, Steve. She's gone and I really don't feel like talking right now." Pulling open the doors to the Compound he made his way inside intending to go back to his now empty apartment. Not one to give up lightly, Steve walked with him in silence. By the time they made it to the kitchen he'd been given death glares by several S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that were good friends with Juno. Sighing, Bucky kept his eyes forward. This hostility was nothing new for him to deal with.
When he had first arrived a lot of people didn't think he should be allowed to stay after what Hydra had made him do. It was because of Steve, but mainly Juno, that they had given him a chance. They were loyal to her and he understood that. Respected it. Jun had been here far longer than Bucky or anyone else on the team besides Natasha and Clint. He'd broken Juno's heart and drove her from her home; he deserved everything they threw his way. Steve steered Bucky over to a stool at the counter knowing that he hadn’t had breakfast yet just like he hadn’t been eating much of anything since Juno walked away. "Come on, Buck, you need to eat."
Allowing him to steer him over to a stool Buck sat there with his head hanging down with his eyes closed. Seeing his friend hurting, Steve quickly cooked up some basic scrambled eggs with toast and brought over two plates and went back to bring them over each a cup of coffee. Sitting next to him to make sure he ate. Mostly Bucky just drank the coffee. His appetite was almost down to nothing since Juno walked out four days ago. Besides not eating he hardly slept or left his apartment when he hadn’t been hunting her down to apologize and beg her to take him back. Last night was the first decent sleep he'd had all week and with Jun gone for good now he just didn't have it in him to try. What was the point? Pushing away his half-eaten plate Bucky held his head in his hands.
"Just give her some time, Buck, she'll come home eventually." Steve tried to sound positive, but they both knew even if Juno came back it probably wouldn't be for him or to be with him. Before he could think of a reply Natasha walked in with a large binder in her hands that he eyed warily.
Stalking up to him she lifted the book. Bucky flinched thinking she was going to hit him with it. "Relax Barnes. I promised Jun that I wouldn't physically hurt you." She handed him the binder and walked around the counter to make her breakfast.
Looking down, his breath caught in his throat. It was a photo album. Not one he recognized, but there in the spot where you could put a picture was Juno’s handwriting.
Bucky and Juno 2016 - 2020
Opening the album he saw their pictures inside of happier times. "Those are copies. Juno wanted you to have them. The others she put in storage." Bucky looked up at Nat with glassy eyes and nodded his thanks. He couldn't have formed words even if the lump of emotions that was in his throat wasn't there. Seeing his pain Natasha came over to sit next to him with her bowl of oatmeal and fruit. "I'm sorry for the other day, but I've got Juno's back. She's one of my best friends."
The day Juno left him he'd gone out to try and to find her. After a few hours Steve had told him to give her some space he'd gone back to their apartment not expecting to see it gutted. Opening the door he had physically felt his whole world shift. All of her things were gone. Not just her clothes and toiletries that she’d taken with her. Everything that had made their apartment a home was gone. It looked just like it had the day he moved in. Empty walls and some clothes in the closet. Bucky had gone around each room hoping something of hers had been forgotten just so Juno would have a reason to come back, but Natasha had been very thorough.
"It's okay. I understand, Nat. I would have done the same." Taking the photo album with him Bucky stood up and walked back to his apartment. This time Steve let him go alone knowing he needed space. There wasn't much he could do for Bucky but let him grieve his relationship.
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Buck had tried to get some of Thor's Asgardian liquor, but he refused to give him any. Feeling sympathy with the haggard looking man, the god had softened his hard expression. "I’m sorry, but no. On two counts. One involves Juno. She wouldn't want it and it won't really take away the pain. The second is because right now I don't like you." Closing his door firmly in Bucky’s face leaving him standing there like a sad sack in the hallway.
Well, he'd been honest. He couldn't fault him for that, but it sucked nevertheless. Instead Buck had to settle for several bottles of regular whiskey that did nothing but give him the taste of it. Sitting on his couch with a large, very full glass of whiskey he prepared to look through the photo album. Taking a drink he steeled himself to walk down memory lane.
The first photo was of them before they started dating. His unamused face stared back at him as Juno's beautiful self gave the camera a smirk. Steve had taken it the day they’d come to New York from Wakanda at the airport. She’d come to pick them up and had engrained herself minutes after their reunion. Her happy personality and persistence in being nice to him had worn him down very quickly into forgiving her for using her powers on him during the fight in Munich.
These pictures were taken when he'd realized he liked her as more than a friend. Taking the opportunity at the bowling alley during the team's bonding night to kiss her cheek and tell her that he wanted to take her on a date. After saying yes she'd kissed him back and called him cute.
Their first date. He'd shaved and put on a real suit taking Juno out dancing. Neither of them could stop smiling all night.
Fourth of July 2017. The team had gone to the beach to celebrate Steve's birthday and the holiday to get out of the city. Bucky smiled as he remembered them slow dancing on the beach while the fireworks went off. It was the night he'd told her he loved her for the first time.
This one was his favorite of Juno. It was taken at Tony and Pepper's wedding as the happy couple were leaving. Jun had been so ecstatic for her best friend and Pepper and had just looked so beautiful that he couldn't help snapping the picture.
Bucky steadily made his way through the album and the whiskey. The pictures made him alternately laugh and cry depending on which one he was looking at. Unfortunately the whiskey just made him sad and angry that he couldn't get drunk anymore. And to make himself even more pathetic, he'd put on Juno's post-it playlist. For the rest of the day he sat there drinking and looking at their happier days until he fell asleep at some point.
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Tuesday Morning
That’s how Steve found him the next morning. Slumped over, stinking of booze and clutching the album to his chest like he wished he could Juno. “Come on, pal. Let's get you cleaned up.” Hefting him up, Steve placed the album on the coffee table and helped Bucky into the bathroom and into the shower. Not having the will to fight him off, Bucky tiredly washed and rinsed off. Wrapping a towel around his waist when he was done and walked into his empty bedroom to see that Steve had left out jeans, underwear and a t-shirt.
Hearing him moving around Steve called out from the living room. "Hurry it up in there. Dr Kent is expecting you on time today." Bucky groaned but got dressed anyway. Slipping on some socks and his boots Buck headed out to the living room ready to get this over with. "Good you didn't make me break my promise. Let's go." Steve motioned towards the front door hoping that his friend didn’t notice his slip up. No such luck.
"Promise? What promise?" He refused to budge until Steve answered him. Crossing his arms over his chest Buck stared at his best friend until he cracked.
It didn’t take long. Rubbing the back of his neck Steve mumbled, "I promised Juno that I wouldn't let you miss an appointment so you wouldn't violate the terms of your pardon." Even though she was gone, Juno was still looking out for him. Bucky's heart broke a little more. Not saying anything he led the way out of his apartment. Following the same route he took every Wednesday to Dr Olivia Kent's office in the main part of the Avenger facility. Steve assured him that he wouldn't wait for him, he was just an escort and friendly face.
Knocking on her door he waited for Dr Kent to call out for him to enter. Opening the door he took a deep breath and stepped inside when she did a moment later. It was a homie looking room. Olivia, as she insisted he call her, preferred her office to look more like a sitting room. There was a comfortable couch and several large overstuffed chairs. Bucky's eyes gazed over at the photos hanging on the powder blue walls like he did every time he came here. Three large landscapes of the forest on the far wall above the couch. A grouping of six smaller ones of the ocean along the far left wall above two of the chairs and three more large photos of the mountains where her desk was. The fourth wall was just glass from the windows from floor to ceiling. That's where Olivia liked to sit. She said she liked having the sun at her back to keep her warm. Whatever that meant. Bucky avoided sitting there because he'd be an open target for anyone who wished to take him out. Crossing the room he made his way to the couch sitting down and adjusted his body into a more comfortable position.
"Hello James. How has this last week been?" Olivia asked with a pleasant smile on her face. Bucky studied her for a moment to see if she was being genuine or if she was feeding him bullshit about not knowing about him and Juno breaking up. However Olivia gave nothing away. That didn't mean anything though. She was a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who could easily hide what she was thinking.
Buck opened his mouth, but paused before answering. She raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. Her folded hands that were on her lap twitched. He knew she was itching to pick up her notebook and pen. She did this on purpose just to rile him up. "Juno left me." That's all he could get out before his throat closed up with emotion.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Settling back into her chair she crossed her legs at the ankle patiently waiting for him to continue. Olivia would let him talk as much or as little as he wanted, but he had to talk. It was one of the conditions of his pardon. He had to prove that he was still him and not Zimniy soldat anymore.
"Sh- She was on me about coming to you for couples therapy. I told her that I didn't want to. That seeing you every week was enough as it is. When I refused she ended things. Packed a bag and left.” Not looking at her he rubbed his metal thumb into the palm of his right hand. Bucky's tone was bitter as his voice broke. Roughly clearing his throat he swipes at the tears falling down his face. “Jun, she uh.. She quit the team and S.H.I.E.L.D. and is on a plane as we speak to start a new life in London. Far away from me as she can possibly get without falling off the map.” Olivia's eyebrows raised at that last part. Apparently not all the gossip seemed to have gotten around the Compound.
Avoiding her gaze he sits in silence. “We recently talked about having Juno join us. Why did you refuse to come to therapy with her?” Olivia asked, curious about his sudden refusal to include the most important person in his life in their sessions. It was so out of character for him. Letting out a sigh he shrugged. "That's not an answer James." Closing his eyes he shook his head.
"Please don't call me that. Not today." Bucky didn't think he could stand for anyone to call him James anymore. He wanted to forget Juno ever saying his name. Calling it out last night as he made love to her had been bittersweet knowing it would be the last time, but he feared the sound of her voice saying his name would be imprinted in his brain to forever haunt him.
"Alright, Bucky, can you answer my question?" Olivia shifted slightly in her seat as she began to take notes on his current state of mind for her records. It had been a while since she’d had to do this and feared that with Juno’s sudden departure of both their relationship and the country would set him back. It was her job to make sure that he didn’t slide back too far. To give Bucky the tools to get past this hurdle and move forward.
"I don't know. I think I panicked." She motioned for him to continue. "I know we were having problems. No, I was having problems. I was pushing her away. But the look on her face that day…" His words trail off as his mind recalled Juno’s hopeful eyes and trembling lower lip as she told him about the appointment she’d set up for them. It hits him at this moment that he let her go for her own sake as well as his own. "She is always taking care of me at the expense of herself. The more I tried to stand on my own two feet, the more I floundered which made her want to prop me up more. I love Juno more than anything or anyone, but she.. she can't keep taking care of me."
Embarrassed by his actions Bucky clasped his hands in his lap telling Olivia about the events of Monday. "I overheard where she was holed up when I went to beg Fury to tell me where she was. In pure Juno fashion she made everyone promise not to tell me so I spent the days previous going out of my mind frantic in wanting to apologize. To take it all back. To tell her I would come see you everyday with her if that's what she wanted." Olivia cracked a small smirk at that. She knew he didn't like coming to these sessions; she would have ended them two years ago given the choice, but she was ordered to continue by the government. Even Fury had been willing to end the sessions but Washington said no. They wanted to keep tabs on his mind.
"Once I realized Steve and Fury had assigned an agent to babysit me I was able to slip past him and head into the city. Figuring that Agent Ryan would rat me out, I avoided her apartment knowing Steve would beat me there. So instead I went to my storage unit out in Brooklyn." A look of confusion and concern on her face Olivia nodded for him to go on. "I had to get something I bought Juno." He knew his description was sounding kind of stalkery, but it's what was left over from his Hydra days. His mind had immediately jumped into every step Steve would take to keep the distance between him and Juno.
"What did you buy that you put into storage instead of giving it to her?" She asked curiously knowing that his storage unit, while small, held only sentimental items that Steve had taken the time to buy back for him.
"A ring." Olivia's eyebrows shot up at that. "I bought it the day after our first date. I knew after that night I wanted to marry her, but she wasn't ready. And when it came down to it neither was I." Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out the small blue Tiffany’s box. Setting it on the table between them he kept his eyes on it as he spoke. "Once I had the ring I went to wait outside her door when Steve showed up. He told me how broken she was the night she left me. How she put on a brave face for him, but had heard her break down when he left." He played with the fingers of his metal hand as he spoke and chewed on the inner part of his lip guilt eating him up inside. "Steve told me that she quit and was going to figure out what she wanted to do with her life outside of the team and S.H.I.E.L.D.. That she tried to push him away, but he wouldn’t let her do that." He’d done that to her. Had hurt her so badly that she had tried to pull away from all of their friends. Bucky felt like he was on autopilot as he told Olivia what Steve had told him. "He told me that she was leaving for London today and if I still loved her I would give Jun this time to say her goodbyes. That I would give her the space she needed and not cause a scene. It snapped me out of my selfish thoughts of losing her. My actions showed me that I needed to let her go because I've been holding her back." His voice cracks again, but he pushes through. "I promised Steve that I'd give her one last day to enjoy with everyone without ruining it for her."
"Did you keep your promise?" Olivia softly asked. He nodded, his eyes finally lifting from the ring box to look up at her.
"I wandered around the city for most of the day thinking about everything. But I needed to see her one more time to say my goodbye and to apologize. I didn't want more than that at that moment.” It was true. When he’d gone back to that apartment that’s all that had been on his mind. No ulterior motive, no begging, just goodby. “I knew Jun and Tony would have one last family date night before she left so I went back to her apartment to wait. Almost left a couple of times." He glanced up at Olivia who nodded for him to continue. "Then she came down the hall and I couldn't breathe. She looked so sad and broken. I did that to her.. to the woman I love." His silent tears ran down his face unchecked. “Juno gave me a chance to apologize." Buck smiled at the memory of her eye softening at him before she snapped that he had five minutes to explain himself and get out.
Juno Donahue was a feisty little thing. It was one of the things about her that drew him in, that made him fall in love with her. His smile faded. Bucky didn't go into detail about what happened next he just laid it out because he needed to tell someone who wouldn’t judge their need for each other. "She kissed me. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her back, but I froze. We, uh, we slept together and when I woke up in the morning she was gone. Left me one last post-it." Bucky grabbed a tissue to clean off the evidence of his emotions. He didn't realize how much he needed to talk to someone about this until now. Someone who wasn't emotionally connected to Juno and their relationship.
"First off I want to say I was concerned about your behavior as you described Monday's events, but I have to say I'm proud that you were able to put yourself in check." Olivia motions at the ring box. "I understand why your mind went there, but proposing to Juno would have been a mistake. The fact that you realized that and that you both need space to grow.. I'm impressed. It's going to hurt like a son of a bitch for a long time, but we can get you through this."
He really hoped so, but at the same time.. "I don't know if I deserve to get through it. Jun said I was good enough, but I just.. I break everything and everyone I touch." His old insecurities rear up their ugly heads.
"She's right, you know. You're holding yourself back.” The stern expression he was used to back in place when he talked down about himself. “Still seeing yourself from Hydra's perspective. Maybe it's time to start seeing yourself from the perspective of the people who love and care about you. They can't all be wrong about you, Bucky. Look at how they fought for you." Olivia reminds him of his pardon debacle and before that when Steve, Wanda, Sam, Clint and Scott fought for him in Germany.
"Doubtful that they still feel that way anymore." He mumbles, unable to help himself from old habits.
"It’s going to take some time but they'll get over it. It'll be easier once Juno gets settled and in contact then they'll see that she doesn't want to cut them all out." Bucky raises his eyebrows at her. "One hears things around the Compound. No one really keeps their voices down as they gossip." She chuckles, making one corner of his lips lift in mild amusement. "I suggest time with your friends and some self-reflection. You've already made some great strides on the latter half of that. How has making amends been going?" She segwayed into a safer topic.
Bucky and Olivia fill the rest of his hour with talk about Yori and how it wasn't going anywhere because he hadn't been able to bring himself to hurt him more by telling him the truth. Once again Olivia reminded Bucky that while it would hurt Yori, he couldn't move on until he knew the truth about his son. With a new plan in place they wrap up their session making a second appointment for this Friday seeing that he needed the extra help.
With everything he went through this week Bucky had mostly stuck to his apartment for the rest of the day. However he did invite Steve and Sam over for dinner so as to not completely shut out everyone. It had been at Olivia's suggestion. She said they would hound him anyway, but he could control how it went by making the first move. So the guys came over for pizza, beer and to chat. Thankfully they avoided talking about Juno or brought up the ring box he'd forgotten to put away.
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Juno's POV 2:30 AM London time Wednesday morning
After sixteen hours and a very sleepless day, Juno was exhausted but she’d made it. To her endless annoyance Fury had cheaped out on her flight. Making it so that she had two layovers before finally landing at Heathrow. That had just been the icing on the top of her shit cake after yesterday. She felt like a haggard mess. Her cab driver must have agreed because he took one look at her and just drove after she gave him her new address. Pulling up outside the building she was now living in, her eyes widened. Nick had told her she was going to be staying at some fancy address, it hadn't occurred to her to look it up though. This was reminding her of the past that she didn’t necessarily want to remember even if at one point there had been some happy memories from that time.
Glancing down at the comfortable leggings and hoodie she was wearing with a grimace. She so wasn't dressed to match the other residents who lived here at the moment. The cabbie helped her to bring her luggage into the lobby without only a few words of complaint as he waited to be paid before taking off once cash exchanged hands.
The snooty doorman had looked down his nose at her until she told him her name. Then suddenly his whole attitude changed as he straightened up and gave her a polite smile as he gushed effusively. "Ms Donahue, please allow me to help you with your bags. Here are your keys and the passcode to your floor." He passed her a set of keys and a small white card with the code for the elevator for her floor as he rounded his desk to grab a trolley for her suitcases.
"Thanks. Are you who I talk to about my things that'll be arriving from New York?" He nodded and had her write down all of the information telling her that he would be more than happy to help deal with the movers for her. Rolling her eyes at his back as he led the way to the elevator with her bags thinking to herself that he was a fake kiss ass. At the moment though Juno couldn’t care less as she tiredly leaned against the wall of the elevator.
Seeing that she wasn't in the mood for small talk Kevin, as the doorman introduced himself, left her alone to her thoughts. Unfortunately Juno couldn't stop thinking about Bucky and their last night together. She had known it was a mistake as soon as she kissed him, but she didn't care. All she wanted was him one more time. So lost in thought she didn't notice that the elevator had stopped until Kevin discreetly cleared his throat. Shifting out of his way she exited so he could maneuver the trolly out of the elevator and followed him down the hallway to her apartment. Thanking him for his assistance, she gave him a tip, closed and locked the door before leaving her bags where Kevin set them. The only thing on her mind was finding her bedroom and getting some sleep in a real bed. Eventually finding it after a few wrong turns, Juno collapsed on the bare mattress fully clothed and promptly passed out.