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"Are you sure?"
Maybe if he had asked you yesterday you would have hesitated. Maybe then you would have fumbled for an answer. Right now, however...
"Yes."
You have absolutely no hesitation left.
Setting the contract on his desk, you sit down, meeting his eyes with determination.
Remember, Yen.
You promised yourself.
After looking over the contract, occasionally smirking at your little footnotes which show you went through every single detail, he raises his eyes to yours. "May I ask you a question?"
"Of course," you nod, bracing yourself for what he will say next.
"Why did you change your mind?"
You blink in surprise.
How did he know? Was your hesitation that obvious?
Sighing to yourself, you shake your head. And here you thought you could hide everything so easily.
"I was reminded of something." You answer him, hoping that he won't press any further, but when he raises his eyebrow, you realize that you'll have to give him more than that. "I live for myself, not anyone else."
He smiles in satisfaction and leans back in his chair once more regarding you with that pondering gaze. An unsettling one that tells you he's already making moves and countermoves on his chessboard.
"I see, so this path, this is what you want?"
You don't know why he's so adamant about your reason, but given the situation, you suppose you could humor him a bit more.
"This is my dream, I'm not going to give it up because I'm afraid."
He can't help but chuckle at your determination.
The struggle of a young artist, the need to be someone, to achieve a dream everyone else said would never make it. To follow a path others would rather destroy than help you build, takes guts. It takes a strong-willed person to be able to face that.
You are far from ready, that much is evident.
But you have what it takes.
"Good."
You can't help but feel relieved.
"Now, before you start, there are some things you need to know." Leaning forward, he folds his hands on his desk. "Because you are BigHits first female trainee since GLAM, we must take some extra precautions."
"Precautions?" Even though you expected something like this, you're still curious. In the contract, it mentioned a severe privacy policy. Specifically about your involvement in the company. It seemed as though not even the staff could know.
"Yes. I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past."
You nod, already suspecting what he's going to say next.
"So this is..."
"A trial basis. You are a trainee now, but no one can know. Not even the staff. I'm sure you already expected that based on what you've read in the contract."
So you were right.
But this poses one problem.
"So then, how would I train?"
"I'm glad you asked." Confused, you watch as he stands, heading towards a filing cabinet. "The members of BTS have agreed to help with your training."
"What?!"
At your tone of voice, he turns to you, raising his eyebrow, and you immediately downcast your eyes. You know you were out of line, but what other reaction could he have expected? And does this mean that they knew about this before you did? Biting your bottom lip, you glance up at him as he settles back in his chair, multiple files in his hands.
"Sir, aren't they busy enough? What about their comeback?"
Sighing, he waves his hand your way as though that wasn't a big deal.
"They'll manage. However, it goes without saying that you'll have to do a lot on your own, as do many other trainees."
"I know but..."
Isn't this too much to ask of them? Training takes a lot out of the day, most trainees don't have any time to themselves because they are working so hard every day, what makes him think BTS would be able to dedicate their time to you for that long? They have obligations, things they themselves need to prepare for, why should they worry about you?
"Yen."
Though he has just said your name, you can tell it's a warning and you nod meekly.
"Alright, I understand."
"Excellent." He takes a moment to sort through the files he just retrieved before passing them to you. You peer at them. "You'll stay on as Namjoon's assistant while you train, and practice when the members tell you to. Schedules may vary due to the comeback, but that was to be expected."
Glancing up at him, you can't help but wonder why he's going out of his way for you. What exactly is his strategy?
Will you like it?
Or will it ruin you?
"I know it may sound ridiculous, but Ms. Lin, I truly believe you are worth it."
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Sometimes your thoughts are the one thing that will destroy you. Sometimes it's your thoughts that cage you in, make you forget. Sometimes it's the things that you can't control that tear you apart.
"Are you going to tell her?"
Jungkook blinks in surprise at the question. Is this what Tae wanted to talk to him about?
After practice, Taehyung asked if they could talk, and took him to a secluded spot on the stairs to the roof. The very same stairs they would visit as trainees. Heading up to touch the sky in a rare moment of freedom and happiness. Jungkook had a feeling it would be about Yen, but not this.
Why does he want to keep this from you?
"Do you want me to?" He asks Taehyung, and his friend blinks before swallowing hard. Almost as though he were keeping something from Jungkook.
"No, I want to tell her myself. You can tell her you were there, but don't mention me. Please, Jungkook, I don't want her to feel..." Taehyung can't find the words, but Jungkook understands what he's trying to say.
The feeling of being caged in, the feeling of having every move decided for you before you have the chance to move on your own...
It's frightening.
Especially for people like Taehyung.
Jungkook may not understand why he wants to keep this from Yen, nor why she would be upset at the truth, but he will respect Taehyung's wishes.
"Then I won't tell her." Taehyung smiles in relief at Jungkook's words, as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "But, Tae, you do know that keeping a secret may do more harm than good, right? I can't help it if she finds out on her own."
Taehyung nods.
Of course, he knows that, but he can't help but feel as though that's something she doesn't need to know. As though if he told her it'd mean that everything they shared before was a lie. Maybe it's stupid to keep it from her, but the moments they shared where they had no one to worry about, not even the world...
Tae wants to cherish those moments for as long as he can.
Jungkook smiles, patting his shoulder before turning away, and Taehyung watches him go. Suddenly, he feels conflicted, his chest constricting itself as though it were stuck.
Turning the other way, he walks the rest of the way up the stairs, towards the roof which offers the freedom and serenity he needs. But as he opens the door, he is not only greeted with the soft gusts of winds and brightness of light, he is also greeted with the soft cacophony of music.
A sweet lulling sound, a beautiful voice, a trail that leads him once more...
To you.
You smile as you sing, not caring if you get some notes wrong, not paying attention to anything else but the music in your heart, and the song playing in your soul. You sway to an unheard tune, the wind carrying your voice on its currents as it plays with your hair. You don't remember the last time you were this happy, the last time you were able to sing this way, with nothing holding you back, nothing burdening you, nothing to remind you of what you have lost.
What more will you lose?
"What are you doing?"
Taehyung's voice cuts through your bubble, and you turn to him, surprised to see him standing just a few feet behind you. He smiles affectionately as he sees you, and you can't help it as your heart jumps to your throat. Without a second thought, you pull away from the edge of the roof and towards him, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.
He blinks in surprise before hugging you back and trying to ignore the heat that rises to his ears. When you pull away, he smiles, raising an eyebrow.
"Looks like someone is in a good mood today." You wrinkle your nose at him, shoving him lightly in the shoulder before turning back to your overlook of the city.
"Don't be weird. It's normal for friends to do things like this."
He swallows hard at the clear line between the two of you, a line he created the moment he justified his actions last time.
"Right...friends." He mutters under his breath before joining you at the railing.
This was what he wanted right?
This was the reason behind everything he has done for you right?
Then why does the word feel so empty to him?
Why does he want more?
"Why are you here anyway?" He asks, as though to distract himself from the diseased thoughts clouding his mind. You shrug, holding tight on the railing as you lean back on your heels.
"I just needed some air." It's a brisk answer, but Tae doesn't pay much mind to it.
His mind is too cluttered with questions.
Did he meet with her yet?
What did she say?
Are things going to be different?
"What about you?" you ask, peering Tae's way. He's strangely quiet today, and you wonder if something is on his mind. In the back of yours, you ponder why he didn't tell you he knew. "What are you doing up here?"
It takes Taehyung a moment to respond, but once he does he gets that subtle dark look in his eye. The look that tells you something is eating at him from the inside.
"To think." He mutters, squinting as he stares into the clouds, muffled noises of car horns and busy streets below the two of you. Biting your bottom lip, you do the same.
"Are you worried about something?" you ask, a question you almost kept to yourself. You avoid his eyes as he looks your way. Maybe then it'd be easier for him to open up to you.
Was it that obvious?
Tae chuckles almost bitterly to himself. He'll have to be careful around you. He thought he had mastered hiding his emotions by now, but with you, it's almost as though you see everything he feels.
"Yes." He answers, folding his arms on the railing, mere inches away from you. Now you turn to him, waiting for him to say more. At your unspoken question, he smirks before meeting your eyes. "The comeback."
Can you fix things this time little Tinker?
"How come? Are they pressuring you?" you press, fearing the reason and hoping that it isn't what you think it is.
Taehyung chuckles at the question, looking down at his fingers as they begin to play with themselves, a habit he's picked up when he's hesitating or frustrated or sad. He finds that if he has one small distraction it could help him forget that which he hates to remember.
"No, it's nothing like that, I just..." Biting the inside of his cheek he swallows hard before continuing. "I've changed."
Your heart pummels as you recognize his feeling, as the gutting pain reminds you you were right.
Sometimes you hate being right.
In his eyes, you can see as they shine with the beginning words of tears, and he blinks them rapidly before continuing, his fingers pulling at themselves almost violently.
"Last time, when I changed, even the slightest bit, they did too." You wince at the memory. The time when he returned from the hiatus back in 2019, the time when he made Blue and Grey, the time when they hated him for existing, for not smiling every minute of every hour of every day.
For not being perfect.
They hated him when he had done nothing, and then they forgot him when he had needed them the most.
It was heartbreaking.
"They turned against me, thinking that something was wrong when I became different. Then when there was something wrong with me, they put all the blame on me growing up. They never recognized that they did something wrong." His eyes are glazed over, staring into the distance, numb.
"The minute I do something wrong, they cast me aside as though I'm nothing." Running his hands frustratingly through his hair, he sighs, smiling bitterly to himself. "I used to think they knew everything. That they could feel it when I was breaking, but they didn't. Not when I needed it the most. Not when I needed them the most."
Perhaps the worst feeling in the world is feeling alone, as though no one can hear you. Drowning in a sea of pain, a sea of your own making. A mask that smiles on the outside, but screams in torment on the inside.
"And now..."
"You're afraid they forgot you again." When you place your hand on his distressed fingertips, he glances up at you, slightly surprised. "Letting go, moving on, it doesn't necessarily mean forgetting."
"How do you know?"
Smiling softly, you carefully, slowly, link your fingers with his. Stopping the anxious outlet, hoping to calm him down if only for a moment. You hold onto his hand tightly to let him know that he's not alone. To reassure him that you are still here.
"Because I never forgot." You look up at him again, finding your eyes meeting a galaxy of unknown fear and deprivation. "Not for one moment."
You hold his gaze for a moment before turning away, back to the scenery, but your hand stays intertwined with his.
You have no intention of letting go.
"It's scary, isn't it? Change." Staring out at the world below you, you smile at the way it continues to keep turning. How time continues to keep moving, even when you don't want it to.
"But nobody ever really changes. Your looks may change, and your personality, but your soul always stays the same." Chuckling to yourself, you don't notice as you absentmindedly brush your thumb in a comforting circle on Tae's skin. Nor the way he tightens his grip as if he were to let go, you'd vanish forever. "You know, even back then, I didn't think you changed. You're the same Taehyung you were. Kind, sweet, humble, with a heart as golden as the sun."
Turning to him, you smile at the expression, poking his nose affectionately.
"After all, some things never change."
"What about you?" He asks, catching you off guard.
"Hm?"
"Do you think you've changed?"
It's a hard question to answer. You're still broken, you have been ever since you were a small little girl. You still don't think you're enough, you still don't believe you are worth more than the broken doll you were forced to turn into.
But you can still smile. You're still able to feel happiness, you've learned from your mistakes and you've grown. You've become mature, someone you want to be proud of no matter how hard it may be.
Maybe your heart isn't as torn apart as you thought.
Smiling, you nod.
"In some ways, maybe, but that just means I've grown. One thing won't ever change though."
"What's that?" You smile at the question and turn back to the sun that has begun to set, stars already glistening high up in the sky.
"My dream."
Taehyung watches you, his heart warming at the sight of your face so bright and happy. He doesn't know what happened to you, he doesn't know why it sometimes feels as though you've been broken beyond repair, but he does know that you're incredibly strong.
Even after all the pain, you never thought it'd be this easy to smile again.
"Thank you," Taehyung murmurs, not sure if you can hear him, but content enough even if you hadn't.
Sometimes, a light burns so bright that it can't be ignored. Like the first stars that appear early in the darkening sky.
Your light was meant to be shared, shown to the entire world.
Taehyung doesn't want to keep that from you, he doesn't want to erase that smile from your face, that look in your eye. Right now, his feelings aren't as important as your dream.
I hope you achieve it.
I really hope you do.
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Thank you for reading! As you can see, we have returned earlier than schedule!
I hope you all are looking forward to more chapters of Infinite Stars, and will continue supporting it just as you have done before ^^