Chapter 17
PARK SOOHYUN
It was another day of Jungkook coming to join me and Taehyung as we shared snacks at the hospital cafeteria, and whenever I looked at the both of them, there was a swelling desire in my chest that was hoping I had a friendship like theirs before.
That was something far out of reach for me since then.
At some point, I had concluded I was the problem. I had heard it said enough that I was insufferable with my non-stop whining and loud updates of my life. My college friends — which included Gyuri and the others — stood me up on my 23rd birthday without responding to any of my messages while I asked them where they were, had they forgotten, or could they still make it? Later they rubbed it in my face thay they could no longer stand me. They gradually got rid of me, painted me as a bad person who apparently seduced my friend's boyfriend (who had liked me for a long time and confessed he only dated Gyuri to get close to me) and I pretended I no longer cared, and at night after a long, long day, I would cry over how I lost them over a petty misunderstanding. I could never ruin a relationship. Back then, I only had my eyes on Jeon Jungkook. Which they were oblivious of.
They had also mentioned how imposing and annoying I always was, that behavior being shown on how I reacted to things I bought, or things that I achieved.
'Look, I found a really nice bag online! And have you seen the clothes I wore on my Instagram post? I think I look really cute in them.'
'Guys, I did great on our lab exam. Can you believe it?'
'I can do that! Let me show you.'
I had been told people would like me only if I wasn't over-excited and arrogant. 'You are too much! Don't you know that? People have a hard time dealing with you.'
Eventually, I got over it and realized I didn't need them, much less a friend.
I found that I'm the best person to listen to myself.
In the middle of our conversation, Taehyung's on-call phone beeped, asking him to tend to a patient. He wasted no time dashed off, leaving me with Jungkook.
"You've been smiling a lot today," I commented before I took a sip of my coffee. Earlier today, he waved his hand at me as a greeting and even regarded me with polite smiles when we met each other in the hallways. Considering my past experiences, I could tell it was kind of out of character for him to even acknowledge my presence in courtesy.
Jungkook raised his brows, half-smiling. "Is that weird to you?"
"Nope. Not at all."
"I don't have time to mope around. I can't always be sad and crying when we're together. That's going to drain your energy and I find it annoying myself."
"That's... that's nice to hear. But it's okay to give yourself some time to feel sad over the pressure and everything, you know? I do that and it turns out well for me."
Recalling all the years I'd spent noticing every action he displayed in public, the Jungkook I knew established different connections to a lot of people in college, knowing he was an achiever and he did not have to confine himself within his comfort zone because he stood out the most among the batch. Looked up to by the students and adored by the professors, he gave back as much support to those who believed in him and tried to help in every possible way. Smiles were offered to people he ran into everywhere he went and Jungkook usually asked how they were doing in life; something that most probably drew me closer to him on a deep emotional level. But whenever he stayed next to Taehyung, I could say Jungkook was actually a quiet guy who'd rather just sit and enjoy silence with the ones he was comfortable with.
There were a lot of things that might have triggered his stress, but no one else knew.
Now, thinking that he was still doing everything he used to do to survive the field he chose, Jungkook most probably had a hard time dealing with them although they were unsaid. It must have been hard for him to pretend he was naturally handling 'social butterfly' things just fine.
When I checked my phone, Jungkook asked out of the blue, "Uh, this might be rude but I'm genuinely curious... do you have a friend? It's not that I don't think it's possible, but before you sounded like you don't like the idea of having one."
It was a first time I felt the embarrassment of saying no to that question.
"I do have one, if my twin brother counts. He really listens a lot to me. Well, is Taehyung already a friend? That's something he has to clarify. I don't mind if he's not."
Jungkook nodded. "That's cool. Twin brother?"
I shrugged. "He's a journalist. We're not the ideal siblings you can find, but we click it off when we want to."
"Oh, that sounds really nice. My older sister is a good listener, too. But we haven't been able to talk much lately since I'm busy and she has her own family already."
I hummed in response, half-smiling. I didn't know he had a sister, and this little interaction was making me think we had at least a room for a developing friendship... hopefully. Whatever happened before, I wanted to disregard it and try whether it was a considerable idea to be well-acquainted with him, if not be friends. Sure, there were boundaries here and there and we both felt it, and some awkward moments hang around us, perhaps we could eventually go somewhere.
"Are you feeling better now?" I asked, indirectly bringing up what happened the other night. Somehow I wanted to know how he was dealing with things that could still have been bugging him.
"Yes. Thank you for asking."
"Things get tough at times. I'm grateful you were able to talk about it."
"I'm more than grateful someone was willing to hear how insufferable I was."
I arched my brows, choosing to stay quiet.
Jungkook continued. "But I don't want you to think that I'm only talking to you when I need to get things off my chest. I'm sorry if I somehow made you feel like that."
"I never thought of it that way. I'll be willing to listen to anyone who needs to be heard."
His face had a calm demeanor when he smiled. "That can be exhausting for you."
"It's actually not. People barely come to me for an advice or whatever and that's pretty much understandable. I'm not really a good confidante."
"I disagree. In fact, you knocked some sense into me. There have been times that I'm caught up in overwhelming emotions. Lately I've been feeling a little uncertain of many things."
"Like what?"
Jungkook leaned back in his chair, shaking his head while a small smile was playing in his lips. "Here we go again. I don't want to go further. That sucks for you to hear me rant for the, second, no, third time, I guess?"
"I don't mind. I'm up for a conversation just to kill some time."
"Do you feel like you're a tourist of your own body? Like you don't know some of your parts and you're scared to go and discover them because you may not want what you're going to know?"
"You must have done a lot of contemplating these days."
"I did, but I still have no answers."
"It's okay to not know the answers yet. It's going to take a little or more time. You don't have sort out things in rush."
"Yeah, I figured as much... How come the things you say make sense sometimes?"
I acted as if I was utterly offended, rolling my eyes. "Do you think I'm a shallow person?"
He let out a soft laugh. "Nope. It's just that I wasn't really able to tell and know this side of yours enough because you've only said a lot of things about liking me badly before so—"
I cut him off. "Excuse me, Jeon Jungkook?"
"Oh, sorry. That was weird to bring it up and I crossed the line."
"We shall not speak of that ever again." I laughed.
He raised his right hand as if he was about to pledge. "Noted, Doctor Park. I apologize for the inconvenience..." Jungkook leaned over the table, rested his elbows on it and clasped his hands. "I want to go on a vacation. Maybe, to unwind. I'll probably be back at my best after a break from work."
"I want that, too."
"One day, if it makes you comfortable enough, you can go with me and Taehyung. Out of town, isn't that nice?"
"I'd like to do that," I answered.
"Let's all hope we can get a vacation soon and our schedules match," he said as he flicked my chin out of cheerfulness. Jungkook didn't seem to mind what he did so I subtly leaned my back against the chair and shrugged it off.
As if on cue, a text message popped up on my phone screen.
Namjoon
You didn't ask but I was
biking in Garosugil this
morning.
I had a fun time.
How are you baby?
Baby?
Yes, baby?
I could not stop smiling after I read his reply. I should not be feeling giddy about a cliché move over messages.
I didn't notice I was taking too much time of finding the right words to respond to Namjoon until Jungkook's on-call phone rang and gave him the reason to go after giving me another smile.
. . .
I walked out of the room apologetically, earning an impatient look from Dr. Kim Seokjin. I had been having difficulty with studying robotic surgery and it felt terrifying to have him and Professor Lee guide us most of the time. When the other surgical trainee in my team performed the surgery, I was in sitting in the second trainee console, watching the surgical action and waiting for my chance to operate. I had practiced a lot using simulators and even watched numerous recorded surgeries on YouTube just to do it right, but my hands kept shaking and messing up.
I needed to get better at it.
I pulled my phone out of my white gown's pocket and decided to text my brother while I was walking back to our office.
Jimin
Hey, are you still at work?
He replied at the time I was already keeping my stuff into my bag.
Yup
I wanna confess something. I'm starting to like this guy I told you about.
No one really asked.
I hate you.
I've gotta finish something. Call me later and tell me everything.
. . .
Taehyung messaged me and let me know about a newly opened fried chicken restaurant nearby, asking me if I would want to visit it with him. I had nothing else to do that's why I agreed and so we left work at the same time, both of us engaging in a small talk as we headed to the car park of the hospital. He was scrolling through the menu online, reading it out loud to me. As soon as we reached the parking garage, sounds of voices we knew hovering over each other welcomed us.
I saw the two looking equally frustrated.
Jiwon, to my surprise, grabbed Jungkook by the collar of his shirt, the latter widening his eyes at the startling behavior. Even I stilled in my tracks, unable to process what I had witnessed. Taehyung also seemed to stiffen next to me, uttering a curse under his breath.
"Why would you do that?" Jiwon screamed, yet she also sounded like she was on the verge of tears and right after that she weakly shoved Jungkook.
"I panicked, okay?"
"That's not how our deal should go."
"I'll clear it up next time."
"You already embarrassed me! They thought I was lying about you." She seemed so upset that next thing I knew, Jiwon was flailing her hands at him, causing Jungkook to protect himself and catch her hands to halt what she was doing.
Taehyung, unable to help himself, intervened. "What the hell is going on?"
Jiwon turned her tear-stained face to where we were standing, shooting a glare upon recognizing us. Jungkook appeared shocked, but he seemed to gather himself together, fixing his wrinkled shirt and holding the strap of his backpack which was hanging over his shoulder. "Leave us alone," she said.
Taehyung chuckled. "You were hitting my friend. I'm not supposed to watch you get aggressive towards him."
Jungkook quickly stepped in. "Tae, that's not what you think it is. We're having a little misunderstanding—"
"You call that a little misunderstanding?"
"Who are you to interrupt an argument we're trying to fix?" Jiwon asked with an authoritative edge to her voice.
"Jiwon, you were hitting him while he was trying to talk to you! You don't fix things that way," Taehyung said aggravatingly.
Jiwon's face contorted into a grimace, letting out an incredulous gasp. I felt a sudden displeasure swelling inside my body.
She faced Jungkook again. "If only you did not embarrass me in front of my family—"
"I know, I know. Ji, will you please calm down? Okay, it's my fault."
Jiwon scoffed, slapping Jungkook's hands away then left, and the sense of relief came flooding in. I did not stop myself from giving Jungkook a questioning look, wanting to ask what's wrong, and all the while he was just staring back at me, a hint of evasion and tiredness in his face. Taehyung excused himself for a while and walked his friend to his car, tapping his back so gently like he was scared Jungkook would just fall apart, mumbling words that I could not hear.
As I watched them, my chest got indescribably heavy for some reason.