Was there hope of me finding my family? Probably not.
I was so lost, I didn't know what to do, what my purpose was. Was I meant to leave these people and look for my family who I'm most likely not going to find? Was I supposed to stay with them? Or was I supposed to leave them and be on my own until my death? Was I destined to be alone? Or did I want to believe that because I was too afraid of caring for these people? Too afraid that I will grow attached to them and then lose them; as I've always lost.
What if I'm not good for these people? What if me staying with them harms them? Nothing good ever happens to me, so am I risking their lives by staying with them?
Will I be the death of them?
And at that moment my decision was made. I was leaving.
I got up from my seat looking at Rick, "uh Rick, can I talk to you for a sec?" I asked fiddling with my necklace.
He got up from his crouching position and signalled for me to follow him. We went over to the side away from the crowd. Not too far, but far enough for a private conversation. I had my back facing the people as I prepared my speech internally.
"You all seem like a great bunch" I spoke looking down, "but uh, I should get going. I still have family out there. Hopefully," I said with a sigh before looking up at him "I'm gonna try and find them. I'm not good for you people anyway. So I guess this is me telling you that I won't be coming with you. I'll be gone before sundown" I said hoping he would understand.
"Look Eleanore, I'm not gonna stop you from looking for your family. But I can't say I'm okay with you leavin—" Rick was cut off by a voice from behind me.
"You're leaving!?" Glenn yelled, sterling me. I turned around to see a very disappointed Glenn.
This is not how I wanted this to go.
"Glenn I—" I didn't even get to finish my sentence.
"No!" he said louder than necessary and gaining the attention of the rest of the campers "No, we've lost enough. And if you leave now we'll never see you again. Stay with us, please. Look we need you and you know it" he was now speaking in a much lower and calmer tone. He was almost begging. When he saw that I wasn't convinced he attacked me with his puppy eyes, "Ella please, at least come to the CDC with us." I froze, my body tensed, not because I was thinking, but because of the nickname. My whole body shivered.
My mother used to call me that.
I hated it as a child, but I grew up to love it. It sounded so beautiful coming from her mouth. Nothing can compare to my mom calling me 'Ella'. It brought me a sense of comfort. A sense of home.
With teary eyes I looked at Glenn and nodded not trusting my voice and quickly looking away as emotions started to get the best of me. He pulled me into another hug.
Dude I'm really trying not to cry, and this is not helping.
While still in Glenn's grasp, I looked up to meet Daryl's eyes. He looked puzzled as if trying to figure something out. Trying to figure me out.
I quickly pulled away from Glenn, feeling very overwhelmed and vulnerable.
"I- Uh- I gotta go—" I said before running off into the woods.
***
I found a clearing and sat down on the grass while watching the beautiful colours of the sunset. The sun was calming; it almost made it seem like there was nothing wrong in the world. Like it was any other day in our past normal lives.
My hand was tightly clasped on the necklace around my neck. With a deep breath, I looked down at it and slowly opened it. I instantly relaxed when I saw my mothers' picture.
"I miss you, mommy. I really wish you were here" the first tears escaped my eyes, followed by a river of many more, "I really need you, mom," I said while staring at her beautiful smile. "I really need you" A sob escaped my lips. A sob that could only be heard by the mysteries of the forest; or so I thought
I put my head in my hands, letting it all out. I was so tired; I hadn't had a moment to myself for the past two days. I hadn't had any food or sleep in two days. My body was tired, but my mind was exhausted.
Suddenly I heard a rustle from behind me, making me stand up knife in hand ready to take on whatever or whoever made the noise.
My body quickly relaxed when I saw it was only Daryl. I had red puffy eyes and tears stained my cheeks. I never cried in front of anyone. I hated that he had seen me like this. I looked away from him wiping my nose quickly and taking a breath to compose myself.
"Didn't mean to scare ya" he said holding his hands up in surrender.
I exhaled while turning around and taking my previous position with my back facing him. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I didn't wanna look weak.
"Then what did you mean?" I questioned not looking up at him. I wiped my face dry and tried not to sniff as often.
"you've been gone a while. Rick sent me to find ya." He said while sitting down beside me.
I turned to look at him to find him already looking at me. The golden sun was shining on his face making his blue eyes even more beautiful. His eyes averted down to my neck.
What the hell is he looking at? Oh-
"That your sister?" he said pointing at my still open necklace.
I took a hold of it and closed it feeling exposed for some reason.
"My mother" I corrected. It was normal for people to mistaken her for my sister, we somewhat looked alike. Only she had blond hair blue eyes and I had light brown hair hazel eyes. She had me at a young age and had to raise me alone for most of my childhood until she met the devil himself.
My biological father had not wanted to be a part of my life the moment my mother had told him about me. My mom was very open to me about everything. She told me stories about my father whenever I asked and spoke only good about him. She told me that he was not lucky enough to have met me. She made me feel like I was worth something like I was good enough. She made me feel like I deserved good things. She built me with soft flowers and a river of love, only to have it all torn down and ripped to pieces by the devil. The man that I was forced to live with for years.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by Daryl clearing his throat and standing up.
"We gotta get goin" he said motioning back to the camp.
I nodded and raised a hand up, motioning for him to help me stand back on my feet. He looked at my hand and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Come on, sunshine," I said nodding towards my hand. the little nickname I gave him clearly made him cringe exactly as I wanted.
Somebody doesn't like my adorable nickname.
He grunted before taking my hand and helping me up. I could've gotten up without his help, but I wanted to make him uncomfortable, which was quite easy.
Mission accomplished successfully!
I jumped on my feet before patting him on the shoulder and walking backwards ahead of him, "Thanks sunshine" I said with a huge smile and jogged ahead towards the camp.
***
I was checking my bags when Rick approached me.
"I'm glad your comin with us," he said making me nod, "you can ride with either Daryl or Shane," he nodded towards Shane making me look at the guy. He was leaning against one of the cars staring at me with a stupid smirk plastered on his face.
Oh hell Nah! This guy is creepy as hell.
"I'll ride with Daryl," I said looking back at Rick. He gave me a nod looking away.
"Be ready in ten, we're leaving soon" he said before walking away.
I put on my backpack once everything was set. I hadn't unpacked or anything; I was just checking to see if I had all my belongings and what conditions they were in. I had all my stuff packed in a huge backpack and a smaller duffle bag. I had way less stuff than what I had originally started with. I left some of my belongings behind along the way; only carrying the essentials. Since I was always on the move, I couldn't carry unnecessary things with me.
I made my way towards Daryl who was loading a bike in the back of what I assumed was his truck.
"Ou, is that your bike?" I asked as I got closer to him checking out the bike.
"My brothers" he answered not even looking at me.
"Oh, cool. Let me guess, uh, chopped Triumph Bonneville TR6C?" I guessed very confidently.
He nodded looking very impressed and shocked that I had guessed right. I did a little victory dance internally while keeping a straight face.
Bad butt moment!
I was into motorcycles and had one of my own before the dead decided to undie. I had to leave my baby behind because she was too loud and didn't have enough storage room.
I miss you. Bambi. I will never forget you. No motorcycle will ever replace you, my love.
"I miss my bike, her name was Bambi. A moment of silence for Bambi." I said with a pout before closing my eyes for the moment of silence. I looked up to the sky before speaking again, "You will live on in our hearts forever." I put a hand on my chest before looking back at Daryl who looked very done with my little funeral thing.
"What do ya want?" he asked unamusedly.
"Hey, don't be rude sunshine. I just came to tell you that you will be blessed with my company for the ride to the CDC" I said to him with a smirk on my face while putting my hands on my hips, "Rick said it was either you or Shane. And Shane gives me the creeps, so I chose you as my lucky ride"
"wouldn't consider myself lucky" he mumbled as he continued what he was doing.
"Hey! What happened to you being a ray of sunshine? You gotta live up to the name dude." I said shaking my head disappointed.
He was the opposite of sunshine, which is exactly why I gave him the nickname.
***
Death. It's such a complex yet a simple thing. We fear it, we avoid it, we run away from it, but it always catches up with us. Death has always been a part of life. ironic isn't it; That we need death in order to live. Life wouldn't have any meaning if there was no death. We needed to know that our time here was limited in order to live.
With the world, the way it is now death is much more present. It's like there's a thin glass between a person and death, very thin. Even a slight blow of air could break it. That's how weak the thread was that was holding our lives. Every moment that you spend alive during this time, was a gift. It sort of drives me to live more; knowing that I could die the next minute. I made a promise to myself to not hold back anymore because as long as I'm surviving, I'm gonna live. But the clock was ticking, and it won't stop until it takes away your last breath with it. Maybe then I'll finally be at peace.
Unfortunately for Jim, his clock was counting down faster. His condition was getting worse by the minute, meaning it was time to go.
Although Rick believed Jim was only sick, I knew better. I've survived out there long enough to see that there was no coming back from this. there's no fixing it and no repairing the world. It simply was not an option. I kept my mouth shut anyways People needed hope and something to chase in order to survive, even if it was false hope.
It was now the next mourning and we were all standing around listening to Shane as he told us how this was gonna work, giving us simple instructions.
What no one was expecting was what Morales said next.
"we're uh. We're not going,"
"We have family in Birmingham. We wanna be with our people." Said his wife, Miranda, I think.
"You go on your own, you won't have anyone to watch you back" Shane warned them.
"we'll take the chance. I gotta do what's best for my family" Morales said.
"You sure?" Rick asked him. Even though it was obvious they had their minds set to leave.
"We talked about it. We're sure." Morales confirmed.
"It's not easy out there. The nights get louder, and the days get longer. You always gotta keep moving, no place to settle. Never let your guard down. Looking for a threat everywhere you go. You sure you're up for that?" I tried to give them some perspective. They had kids; it wasn't easy out there on the road.
He looked at me for a second before nodding. It was long decided, and whatever we said wasn't going to make them stay. It's funny how I was the one trying to leave, now I'm the one trying to convince others to stay. A lot can change in a day.
Rick and Shane gave them a handgun and a box of ammo.
"Box is half full" Shane informed handing it to Morales. Daryl scoffed from beside me not liking that they gave away delicate supplies.
While everyone hugged and said their goodbyes I went over to Morales.
"Don't stay in one place for too long, sooner or later a horde will get to it. Don't, I repeat. Don't let your guard down. Don't trust people, they're the real threat. Keep in mind it's always either you, your family or them. You gotta do what's best for you. When you camp someplace at night keep watch, always sleep with one eye open. Eliminate any threat that comes your way. Get your family to safety. Good luck out there." I said patting his shoulder.
"Thank you. Good luck to you too." He said nodding. I gave him a small smile before turning back to the people, only to find them all looking at us, probably because they heard my little speech.
Yay! motivational talks with Eleanore!
"Channel 40, if you change your minds. Alright?" Rick said. Morales nodded and walked away with his family behind him.
"What makes you think our odds are any better?" Shane asked Rick. This guy was getting on my nerves. No one was forcing him to go with rick's plan. And he was the one that gave us a whole speech about how this was the right thing to do.
"They're not," I said walking away towards Daryl's truck.
And just like that, we were on the move. And I was leaving yet another place behind. I felt weird with these people, good weird which scared me. I didn't wanna settle with them. I didn't want to believe that they might be good for me. Let's just hope it all goes well with the CDC.
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