Chapter 16
PARK SOOHYUN
I hadn't expected that I'd like Kim Namjoon's personality. He always asked before he could call and had been understanding that I could not be on my phone every time he wanted to talk. We had a similar sense of humor, I believed. That's why when he invited me out to dinner, I quickly agreed and made time for us to meet.
I drove from home and met Namjoon who had reiterated he could have picked me up, both of us opting for Banseoul. I was starting to enjoy his company, but I didn't trust him enough to let him know where I lived.
The food was scrumptious and Namjoon's presence made it even better. I had to occasionally suppress my laughter when he said something to make me laugh, but for the most part, he wowed me with all the information he shared with me and I just knew my mom would instantly approve of him if she heard he was well-moneyed and came from a reputable family. His father was a Governor in Gangwon while his mother set up an arts and culture foundation in the same province. He was interested in running a business and his parents partially funded his bar right after he had graduated from SNU Business School and he was currently finishing his MBA. An eligible bachelor with a promising future.
And he was actually a pretty cool guy.
"What is your type?"
I found it funny how basic the question was. We were done eating and Namjoon had his back leaned against the chair comfortably. In moments that he had no hint of smile on his face, he certainly seemed smart and intimidating. When he looked like that, I worried I might tell him something stupid and ruin the night, but he made sure I was comfortable to act silly.
"Someone who ignores me," I said in attempt to joke.
He let out a chuckle, amused by my answer.
"I wouldn't want to ignore you, Soohyun."
A chuckle escaped my lips. "Hmm, a lot of people wouldn't want to do that, either."
"I was serious when I told you I wanted us to get somewhere."
"It makes me wonder why you're interested. Of course, I know I'm attractive but I don't think that's enough for you to be attracted."
"You're effortlessly funny."
"Should I be offended?"
Namjoon shifted in his seat and smiled. "You don't try too hard to impress people. That's what makes you more charming to me."
I was not able to respond hastily. I stared hard at him, trying to process what he said and my heart was racing. A lot of people told me I was pretty, but only a few claimed I had a unique charm in me. The feeling it brought me was surreal so I had to ask to confirm it was real. "Do you think... that I give off a vibe that..." I got distracted by something on my phone. The name flashed on the screen, and it felt like there was a tug at my chest but I only gave it a quick glance then averted my attention back to Namjoon. "Do I give off a vibe that I'm too much?"
"Too much?"
"Am I too much to handle?"
"You never displayed a certain behavior to imply you're hard to deal with. And you'll never be too much to someone who does not see you as a burden."
I watched his expression more as if to look for a hint that I could use to catch him lying, but the sincerity in his eyes stayed a little longer than I had expected, and I felt the regret in asking him. I should have not questioned that to someone who could potentially not be a part of my life in the following months. There was no guarantee that this would consistently continue. I might do something later that would drive Namjoon away and make him conclude I was not worth his time.
That there isn't something to want.
I resumed staring down at my phone, a little more diverted.
Jeon Jungkook
Are you home? done with dinner? sorry if I'm disturbing you.
Actually, I need someone I can talk to.
"Who are you texting?" Namjoon asked me after a brief moment of silence on my part, and that caused me to shrink into embarrassment, knowing how rude it was to use my phone while I was having dinner with him.
I snapped out of it and turned off my device. I gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. It's a colleague."
Namjoon pointed down at my phone. "Is it about work?"
I shook my head. "Nope. He just needs help with something."
"Well, if it's urgent..."
Was it urgent? Obviously, my conversation with Jungkook was concerning and the way he sounded over the phone call was pushed back into my mind. He sounded too off, like he was shaking but stopping himself from falling apart, and when he told me he was fine, I knew he didn't want to discuss it.
Namjoon must have noticed I was holding back so he fished out his card and told me, "It's okay with me if you have to leave sooner than what we agreed on. We can meet next time. Of course, only if you like."
I couldn't help but grin at him. "I'd love that."
"I hope you enjoyed this evening with me."
"I did. How could I not? You're a lot of fun." He called for the waitress before she dropped off the bill and I was quick to pull out my wallet. "Let's split the bill."
"I got it, Soohyun."
"Wait, no. This is embarrassing." In the end, after a few more times of persuasion, I managed him to get him to go along with it. As soon as we were settled and we had already gathered our things, we rushed out of the restaurant. "I'm really sorry... It's just this friend of mine looks like he's-"
"No, it's really okay. I've got no problem with that."
"Thank you, Namjoon." Without a warning, I narrowed the distance between us and stood on tiptoes, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. It was a quick peck, something I had not done to any guy before which explained my lack of experience, and honestly the pure thrill of initiating the move was palpable. It would have been humiliating had he leaned backwards, but when I pulled back from him, blush began to paint his cheeks.
He smiled shyly. "That was... I did not expect that."
"Yeah, me too. Sorry if-"
"No, I liked it."
This time, it was my heart that could not stop slamming against my ribs, and it was such a beautiful thing. It had been long since I felt something real, and yet fear tore at my brain with haste.
The moment I drove away, I rang up Jungkook's phone. He picked up but said nothing, so I asked. "Are you not feeling well?"
"Yeah."
"Where are you?"
"I'm... We can just talk on the phone..."
"Where are you?" I asked again.
"At a convenience store..."
"What are you doing there? Are you alone?"
It took him seconds to say, "It felt suffocating in my house."
"Do you want me to go there?"
He responded with only silence. I repeated the same question, and maybe it was bothersome for him to have someone meet him at what could have been one of the lowest points of his life. I urged him to send me the address. Jungkook refused at first but I was stubborn.
By the time I arrived, I spotted him at once, sitting like a loner by the glass walls as the sight of him relieved the pressure of the anxiety that had begun crushing my mind. Nobody else was staying inside other than the cashier who unenthusiastically greeted me and Jungkook who had not yet seen my arrival. I grabbed a steamed bun cake and coffee milk before paying at the counter.
Slumped in a stool, Jungkook was hunched over a huge bowl of ramyeon, wearing a gray hoodie that looked huge on him. He seemed as if he had been crying although his hair was covering his eyes.
"What happened? Jungkook, you can tell me," I said in a low tone as I occupied the seat across from him. Jungkook automatically stiffened at the sound of my voice.
He didn't say anything, and for a long time he just looked down at his food, slurping his noodles until he seemed to break down his walls and his shoulders started to shake uncontrollably. Jungkook failed to control himself and cried, the back of his hand rapidly running across his eyes.
"Hey..."
"I want to quit," he choked on his words.
A wave of panic washed over me. "Quit what?"
"Give up my surgical residency in Severance and work somewhere else. There's -- there's a lot of jobs for medical graduates without residency."
I was alarmed by the sudden confession so I leaned forward, taking a frantic breath. "Hey... Look at me. Can we talk about that a little bit?" I wondered whether what I was thinking was right but I ended up cupping his cheeks, and Jungkook looked at me with raw, bloodshot eyes. "That's a tough decision to make. You have to think about it really hard. Listen, you're almost done with second year residency. Let's hang in there, okay?"
He shook his head. "What if this is not for me? What if I'm a little late on figuring out that I'm not really meant to be a doctor and that explains why I keep messing up?" he said quietly.
I reassured him quickly. "Who fed you this idea that you're messing up? You're doing great--"
Jungkook could not repress his whimpers. "You haven't seen me work--"
"But I know you a little to say you're good at what you're doing. Have you not heard about the stories going around the hospital saying that you're easy to work with? You were a bright student. You achieved a lot--"
"I just got lucky. I don't deserve those achievements you're talking about."
I let out a weak sigh before swallowing hard to ease the constriction in my throat. "Why are you being too hard on yourself?"
"Soohyun..." He sobbed in his hands, his chest heaving up and down. "I'm not as great as what everybody thinks. I-I am not good enough, and I feel... I feel sorry for all the people who expect a lot from me because I will never be that person."
I spoke with a stillness in my voice, "I don't know why you're thinking that way, but can you not invalidate yourself? People will always expect something from us, and often they're too unrealistic to reach. But do you just make things happen to live up to their expectations? What does satisfy you?"
"What if all this time I've been thinking high of myself that I missed to see I am a fraud?" I wish I could magically conjure up the answer. I stared at his pale face. Despite the cold weather, beads of sweat were sticking on the sides of his forehead.
I groaned inwardly. Jungkook was perceived as the student who worked twice as hard to be half as good, and always went straight for his goals and these things might have kept him thinking he will never be good enough. But over the past years, I had never witnessed him being less proud of what he had achieved and he had usually walked with confidence upon his shoulders. Something went wrong.
"Most of us aren't geniuses but you're making a lot of progress that others can't see because they look out for every mistake you'll do. You'll eventually find a way to get through work and sort things out... Is your attending giving you a hard time?"
"It's probably my fault... He's always been a perfectionist and I'm working really hard."
"Exactly. You work hard and that's enough... Why don't you talk about this to anyone?"
"I'm scared that if I said these things out loud, I would find out these had been true all along."
"Do you remember your graduation speech? You emphasized that you had always wanted to be a surgeon. Look, you're halfway there. It's impossible not to feel anxious and doubt yourself, you know? You have to consider everything before you can announce you're leaving this... And if you end up realizing this is really not for you, that's when you should start to do something about it. Give it a little more time. You're doing very well."
He kept crying, shaking his head. I reached across the table and held his hands as he cried; he felt so cold and it moved in to meet the warmth of my blood. Jungkook was mumbling 'I can't', 'I'm not good enough', 'I'm sorry', and other words that added heft in my chest over and over again.
I gave him time. I let him talk of whatever came on his mind. A few times he seemed to not breathe properly while trying to make as little noise as possible. When I caught the cashier staring at us with confusion, she turned away and pretended to be busy behind the cash register until a couple of students walked in. I stood up and went to buy a bottle of water, later handing it to Jungkook. He accepted and dabbed his tear-streaked face.
"You have snot in your nose," I said out of the blue.
Jungkook hiccupped. "Really?"
"You're with a gorgeous lady and it will be embarrassing on your part if people walk up and see the huge difference between us."
To my surprise, Jungkook let out a feeble laugh, then another hiccup. "Conceited..." He slipped his hanky out and wiped his nose. "Thank you for coming here and listening to me. I feel like I've been bothering you way more than I should so I'm sorry-"
"Stop feeling sorry all the time. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Yeah, thank you."
Both of us had our heads turned to gaze out of the glass walls, deep in thinking as we watched strangers and vehicles pass by. There was a long silence that followed. I had not heard him talk since then.
》AUTHOR'S NOTE《
i wrote this when i was feeling anxious about uni so if there are parts that don't make sense, pls forgive me :"( my classes will start tomorrow. T_T