TW: PANIC ATTACKS, BLOOD, AND MENTAL HEALTH
~Harry~
For all of his life, he had lived in fear.
Fear when he would hear his father's car pull into the driveway. Fear when he would hear his mother's cries for help. Fear when one teacher finally caught onto what was going on at home. Fear when the police officers came in and took his father away. Fear when the administration at Woodgate took him away from the only home he had ever known and brought to a place far worse than what he had ever experienced.
But he had never felt more fear in his life than he had the early hours of that August 2nd morning.
He had always hated hospitals. He sat in a chair similar to the one he was sitting in now, waiting for them to tell his mother that his grandmother had passed. He hated the way it smelled, hated the way the walls were painfully white and how dull the hallways seemed to be at night.
He hated how life and death were so aquated there. How one moment someone could be losing their lives but just a wall away someone could get theirs back.
He thought it wasn't fair. How one person could get the best news of their lives while the other beside them embarked on a nightmare they would never wake up from.
He heard a gasp from the family sitting beside him, a small girl let out tears of joy as she hugged her mother, quietly whispering how happy she was that her father was going to be okay. Her mother was sobbing, hugging the small girl to her chest as a boy who looked to be the age of twelve tried to hide the tears of joy as he smiled widely at the doctor.
His heart broke at the realization, having the feeling inside of him that he wouldn't be getting that news.
The doors swung open and the doctor who had been operating on Marley emerged, his hands on the top of his head as he sighed heavily. He took his scrub cap off quickly, running his fingers through his hair as he asked, "Beck?"
Jay had been walking behind him, her eyes filled with tears as she looked towards Cole. His body hiding in Harry's jacket as his head rested on his shoulder. As soon as they got to the hospital he ran straight to Harry. Crying softly as Harry held him tightly in his arms.
"Mum," Louis croaked, his voice breaking as his eyes filled with tears.
He looked back at Robin whose eyes were tired, not being able to sleep as they waited to hear if Marley was going to make it. Robin stood quickly, walking over to shake the doctor's hand as he said, "Robin Twist." His voice was just as shaky as he quietly spoke. "Legal guardian."
"Her injuries were substantial," the doctor started, looking down at the room full of people waiting with their heads held high and eyes filled with tears. "She suffered massive trauma to the brain, the speed of which the car was coming should have killed her instantly."
A small part of him had finally begun to see hope. 'Should have'. He kept replaying those words over and over again in his mind. Did that mean she was still alive?
"She has two broken ribs, a collapsed lung, the bones in her right arm are completely shattered," he began to list off her injuries as though it was clock work. His eyes glazed over as Harry tried desperately to keep up with the words the doctor was saying.
"The next twenty four hours are crucial," he said softly, looking over at Robin who finally let a tear shed onto his cheek. "But she's a fighter, before we started operating she was starting to regain consciousness."
He looked around to the group of people beside Robin, his eyes trained on each of them before he stopped at Harry. He was quiet for a moment before he said, "You Harry?"
His arm was still tightly wrapped around Cole, the two now standing as he held Cole on his hip as he nodded his head.
"Figured," the doctor smiled lightly before he let out a small laugh, "She kept mumbling your name over and over."
The tears in his eyes came back, this time out of joy knowing that she was talking to them. That she was alive when she was brought in here, and he was praying with his whole heart that that was how she was leaving here.
"Can we see her?" Luke asked, his hand tightly gripped Lottie's as her thumb ran soothingly over his knuckles.
"Only immediate family over 18 can be in the ICU," he explained sadly, his eyes holding pity on Luke as he blinked softly and a tear ran down his face.
The doctor looked back at Robin, nodding towards the door to their right before he said, "She's through here, I can take you to her if you would like."
Robin quickly wiped the tears around his eyes as Anne squeezed his hand tightly, letting go as he followed the doctor through the doors. The rest of them sat silently, Harry still holding Cole as he sat back down in his chair and began to cry.
Anne quickly made her way over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as hummed softly in his ear, "It's okay, baby." she whispered quietly, running her hand up and down his arm. "She's gonna be okay."
~
It was four in the morning the next time Harry saw Robin. His eyes were red and puffy, the collar of his shirt was still wet from the tears as he walked towards the group still lingering around.
Vicky and her husband had shown up at around 2, the both of them filled with sorrow as they gave the Beck siblings the tightest hugs he had ever seen.
"She's gonna pull through," Vick whispered to Luke, holding him as he cried.
Cole was still sound asleep, only now he was spread across two of the chairs, Harry's jacket still draped over his body as he slept soundly. His eyes were puffy from crying as well, the sight alone breaking Harry's heart at the thought of how scared the little boy was.
"You guys should head home," Robin announced, looking over to Luke who was desperately trying to stay awake. "There won't be much change tonight and we both know she'll kill me when she wakes up if she finds out you both have been here this whole time."
He looked over at Harry, pity in his eyes as he said, "You too, son. She wouldn't want you all to be suffering like this."
Harry decided to stay silent. He hadn't said much that night, his mind still trying to put the pieces together of all that took place. He could barely speak to the police, the image haunting his brain as he tried to spill the details of his scattered mind clearly for them.
So he simply sat, staring at the double doors, his eyes filled with tears as he shook his head. Knowing for a fact that if he tried to speak, he was going to spiral.
"Robin," Luke whispered, his voice breaking as tears filled his eyes for the hundredth time tonight. "If I leave now and something happens to her, I will never be able to live with myself."
"Luke-"
Robin tried to say, but was cut off by the teens voice begging softly. "Please."
Robin sighed, looking down at the boys before he finally nodded. He muttered a quick 'Okay', Luke immediately taking a seat next to Lottie who hadn't left his side since the party that night. They didn't care anymore about people knowing about their relationship. It was clear that all the young girl wanted to do was to be there for him, in every possible way she could.
It was almost haunting to Harry how much the pair reminded him of himself and Marley. The two were so head over heels for the Beck's it was shocking that no one realized sooner. And yet he couldn't help but smile. Because while he could do anything to have Marley by his side, he knew how much it meant to Luke to have Lottie there with him.
And for that reason, he was almost happy.
~
They sat in the waiting room all night, no one bothering to leave because every single one of them knew that if the roles were reversed... Marley would be here until they were okay.
Cole finally woke back up at around seven, his tired eyes almost glued together as he walked over to Luke. His voice was small, a whisper that almost went unheard by everyone when he said, "I was really hoping it was a dream."
Harry's heart broke right then and there. He completely lost it. He stood up from the chair quickly, not even bothering to look back as he quickly made his way to the bathroom. He couldn't see much past the blurry vision caused by his tears, but it didn't stop him as he slammed the toilet stall shut, kicking the door with all his might as he let out a sob.
"Fuck," he groaned, his fingers tangling into his knotty hair as he pulled at the roots. Hating himself for not being able to do anything to help her.
He hit the door some more, not even caring if anyone was around as he criticised himself over and over again, not even hearing the words leave his lips as he cried.
He finally gave up, letting his fear and regret take over his body as he slid his body down the wall and onto the ground. He curled his knees into his chest, placing his head inbetween his legs as he cried harder than he ever had before.
He wasn't sure how long he had been there for. No one walked in or out from the time he entered the bathroom, not that he would have noticed though. Because in fact the person standing outside of the stall had gone unfazed by Harry until he suddenly heard a soft knock on the outside of the door.
"Harry?"
His Doncaster accent rang through his ears quicker than anything he had ever heard before, his body moving before his mind even had the chase to catch up before he stood from his spot, unlocking the door before hugging his best friend.
Louis simply stood there, his arms catching Harry as he hugged him tightly, letting Harry cry it out.
Time seemed to be non-existent the past twelve hours. He had no idea how long he had been sitting that fucking chair in the stupid hosptial room. He had no idea how long he had been sat on the floor of the bathroom stall. Just like he had no idea how long he had cried on his best friend's shoulder because the girl he loved was fighting for life... and it was all his fault.
"He was trying to hit me," he whispered, his words breaking due to his sobs. "The fucking pirck was trying to hit me and she pushed me out of the way."
He pulled apart from Louis, shaking his head as he saw how red and swollen Louis' eyes were as well. He began pacing back and forth as he tugged at his hair, "Why couldn't she just let him hit me!"
He slammed his hand against the countertop of the sink, his cries never fading as he gripped over the edge, trying to hang on to the only thing keeping him grounded at the moment.
"It was supposed to be me, Lou." He whispered again, his voice lower than before.
"Don't do that, Harry," Louis said assertively, shaking his head as pressed his back against the wall. "You know damn well that Marley wouldn't let you think that for a second if she could tell you herself."
"Well she can't," Harry snapped, his voice raising as the tears fell down his face. "She fucking can't now can she, Lou?"
Louis stayed still for a moment. His eyes filled with hurt as he tried to shake the thoughts, "That's not what I meant-"
He didn't even get to finish his words before Harry's voice echoed through the air, "I can't live without her, Louis. If she dies... I won't be able to move on. I'll fall apart and it will only be a matter of time before..."
His voice trails off, his heart heavy as he started to lose control of his breathing. His head started to spin and felt as though the weight of the world had fallen onto him. He couldn't catch his breath, each time he had a moment to think, his mind wandered to a world where she wasn't a part of... a world that he couldn't live in.
He looked around the bathroom frantically, all of his fears and worries hitting like a ton of bricks as the events of the night finally relieved in his memory with full clearity. It all happened so fast that he couldn't even blink before the scene happened again. It was as if the accident happened on a loop, over and over again until he short circuited.
His chest felt heavy, quickly gripping at the hem of his shirt as his vision blurred with his tears. He was gasping for air, the bathroom becoming smaller and smaller as he backed himself up against the wall, the world crumbing all around him.
He gripped the counter top as tightly as he could, desperately trying to pull himself out of the memory. Closing his eyes before frantically opening them again.
But he couldn't unsee it.
There was just so much blood.
He couldn't unsee the way her pouty lip split almost in two as her chest moved up and down jaggedly. Her lips were slightly parted, desperately trying to catch her breath as she laid there. His mind replayed every single time he was given the chance to feel those soft lips on his own.
He couldn't unsee the way her bright blue eyes were shut so tightly, praying endlessly that they would open just for a moment. He would have done anything to see the ocean one last time.
He couldn't unsee the way she twitched and how her skin was soft when he placed his hands over her stomach, trying to hold the glass in place as it ripped across her perfect skin. She was so warm, a complete contrast to the blood that seemingly made his hands freeze entirely.
He couldn't breathe. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't get the air that was consuming him in the room to travel to his lungs. He felt hot, as though he was standing in the pits of hell... the devil pinning him down and not letting go.
His knees gave out from under him, his body smacking against the wall as he desperately tried to take a breath. He was on the ground once again, his chest tightening with pain as his breathing turned into loud wheezes.
He could feel two hands grab onto his knees, the sounds of his name being called in the distance but all he could see was her. He tried to close his eyes, trying to get the image of her body laying there out of his head, but he couldn't.
No matter what he had done he couldn't stop seeing Marley's lifeless body bleeding out in front of him.
"Harry!" He finally heard Louis yell, his voice shaking at the sight of Harry in the state. "You're okay, H. Listen to my voice, yeah?"
He felt Louis' hands grab his own, dragging them out of his hair as he held them tight. Sending squeezes his way, waiting for Harry to follow the action in return. He heard Louis taking deep breaths in front of him, his voice counting to three before exhaling deeply.
"You're okay, Harry. Just breathe. One," He said as he took a deep breath, not moving until he heard a jagged breath inhale between Harry's lips. "Two," he said, not exhaling as Harry's cries grew quieter. "Three."
He let out a shaky breath, trying his hardest to mimic Louis' actions as he gripped tightly onto the boy's hand. The sound of the car hitting Marley's body was finally starting to fade away, the sound of her voice screaming his name was replaced by Louis' soft counts.
"There you go," Louis encouraged, something that he had done since they were kids. "You're okay, Harry. Marley is going to be okay."
For some reason, hearing Louis repeatedly tell him that he was alright wasn't calming him down. But once he heard her name followed by the word 'okay'... the tightness in his chest finally started to subside.
Harry inhaled deeply, nodding his head as he slowly started to count along with Louis. The last time he had done this was with Marley, but he knew she would be proud of him now.
The two sat for a moment, Louis now sitting with his legs crossed as he released Harry's hands, the two still inhaling deeply through their noses, counting to three, before exhaling through their lips.
"You alright?" Louis asked carefully, once Harry had finally gained his breathing back.
"I haven't had one in a while, not that bad," Harry dismissed, holding his head down in shame before he said. "My head hurts."
"Good thing I know a nurse in this shithole," Louis mused, sliding himself back so he was now leaning against a wall opposite of Harry. "Bet she could do something about that."
Harry chuckled for the first time since his party, shaking his head before he gripped his right hand into his left, giving himself three light squeezes.
He was okay.
"Be honest with me," Harry said slowly, picking his head up gingerly as he looked at Louis. "Do you really think she's gonna make it through this. No bullshit, there isn't a doubt in your mind."
"Honestly," Louis said, a loud sigh leaving his lips before he tipped his head back and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know. For some reason my head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another. But I'll be damned if she doesn't go down without a fight."
"Do you regret it," he asked Louis, his voice low as he cleared his throat. "Going through with the plan, getting involved with everything."
Louis' head shot down quicker than Harry had ever seen. There wasn't a hint of hesitation as he shook his head. "No," he said. "The only thing I regret is not doing something sooner, not doing enough. She deserved more than that, she deserves a better fight than this."
They stayed silent for a moment, the words sinking in as they lingered through the air before Louis said, "Dean's dead you know?"
"What," Harry asked, his heart skipping a beat.
Louis nodded his head, "It was one of the first things the officer said when we got here. 'The driver of the vehicle was dead when we got to the scene'," his voice was deeper, mimicking the officer before he continued. "You were really out of it though, I had a feeling it didn't register."
"So that's it," Harry scoffed, shaking his head with disbelief. "He didn't deserve to get out that easily... fucking hell."
He deserved to rot in prison for the rest of his life, to only have memories of what the sun felt like hitting his skin as he sat in a cell no bigger than the bathroom they were in now... wishing for death.
"You know I used to dream of that man being dead," Louis said softly, his tone matching Harry's as he spoke. "But now I wish he was alive to pay for what he did to Marley... to you."
They sat quietly for a moment, Harry imagining all the ways he wished Dean would have suffered. But then suddenly he began to think of the girl again. Only this time his chest felt warm and his heart began to flutter, thinking about all of the memories he had gotten to share with her. And it was all because of the boy sitting only steps away from him.
"Lou," Harry said softly, picking his head up as he nodded his head. "Thank you."
Louis chuckled softly, running his fingers through his hair before he asked, "For what? Sitting on this disgusting fucking floor with you? God, I don't even want to think about the last time this shitter has been cleaned."
Harry laughed for what felt like the first time in years, shaking his head as he spoke, "Without you, I don't think I would have ever gotten to know her, fall in love with her, Lou."
"If you honestly think that," Louis said, a smug look on his face as he mused. "Then you're dumber than I thought."
"What," Harry laughed, the words leaving his lips faster than he thought they ever could.
"It's the oldest story in the book, Styles," he said, standing up as he wiped his jeans. "Boy hates girl, girl hates boy, two suddenly realize they're meant for each other and fall hopelessly in love. It was bound to happen, Harry. The story is written a million different ways but each one ends the same... the two living happily ever after. "
Harry smiled at the word living, finally allowing himself to believe - even if it was just for just a moment - that she was going to be okay.
He walked over to Harry, nodding for him to stand as he patted him on the back, "It had nothing to do with me, H. Sometimes these things are just written in stars, call it whatever you want... fate, destiny. But whatever it is, you deserve that ending, Harry. You both do."
Harry smiled softly, finally feeling the little bit of happiness back before he finally said, "You're my best friend, Lou. I would've lost my way a long time ago if you hadn't been there."
"If you wouldn't mind," Louis drew out, holding the door open. "I would love for you to say that again in front of my mum. She always thought you were a bad influence on me."
"Oh shut up," he laughed, knocking his shoulder into Louis' as Louis punched him in the arm, finally feeling normal again as he snickered. "Jay loves me."
"Yeah... now," he teased, wrapping his arm around Harry's shoulder before patting his chest playfully. "Took a lot of conniving after you got me suspended the first time."
He shook his head as he threw the smaller lad off of him, the two pushing each other around as they headed back to the group.
Louis was the first to notice her though. Stopping dead in his tracks as Harry's smile dropped, instantly fearing the worst before his eyes snapped in the direction Louis was looking in. He stopped instantly, staring at the women with wide eyes as his anger began to grow.
Luke stood up from his chair, his eyes cold as he watched Cole run into her arms. His voice sliced through the air like venom, holding no remorse before he snapped.
"What the hell are you doing here, mum?"
~
These next few chapters are going to be heartbreaking, but not all books can have a happy ending.
Thank you guys so much for reading.
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~ Lizzy