Chapter 15
JEON JUNGKOOK
It wasn't going well. It started when one in my team announced he wanted to transfer and submit his resignation papers, later challenging us if we could do the same. Never did it occur to me that leaving could be an option, and the way he proposed the idea was making me consider it. Then I fell back into a reminder that Severance Hospital had always been where I wanted to be, and its perks would build me an impressive resume although I thought it would be made at the expense of my health. I remained quiet throughout the conversation, knowing that less staff means more workload distributed for each one of us who was staying under Doctor Won's supervision.
"I've heard a nurse ducked scalpels thrown across the operating room," Dr. Cho said as soon as she stormed into the room, rummaging through the papers on her work desk. I looked over my shoulder, my senses starting to panic. The ramen in front of me no longer looked appetizing.
"He did it again?" Dr. Min asked, putting on his doctor's coat hastily.
I didn't waste any time and finished my food, later rushing out of the room so I could be anywhere else than have Doctor Won berate the entire team and have him vent his anger out on us.
I figured the news of his resident quitting the job must have reached Doctor Won. He would come in a few minutes, and everytime a surgery went quite bad, he headed straight to where his resident doctors are, berated the entire team and found anything he could be upset about. We always put up with it. When we tried to explain ourselves, he would say anything to hide the fact that most of the time, he was the one who didn't know what he was doing.
I headed to the nurse station. As soon as the nurses found me, one of them quickly assisted me with my request. I smiled and waved while I leaned over the desk, waiting patiently for what I had come for.
"Doctor Jeon! You haven't been here for the past few days. How are you?"
"I'm good... You guys are doing well, I hope? I wonder if any of you have gotten sleep. Things have been pretty hectic lately, right?"
"Exactly... Thank you for the meals you sent here the other day! And if you could eat with us next time, that'd be great, Doctor Jeon."
"Of course."
"Let us know if you need anything. We'll gladly return the favor."
"Thank you, and there's no need to do that."
"Jungkook..." I hid my surprise at seeing Dr. Nam approaching, sporting one of her best smiles. "Let's get lunch together?"
"I just had mine."
"If you're not busy, can you join me?" Nurse Kwan handed over a piece of paper to me, her smile slightly awkward as Jiwon stared at her and the others behind her.
"What am I going to do? Just watch you eat? I have to get some work done."
I thanked the nurses and gingerly regarded them with a grin before I walked straight into the empty elevator, Jiwon following suit. When the door closed, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at me with apprehension. "You didn't have to embarrass me in front of those ladies."
I furrowed my brows, wondering why she thought of it that way. "I did not. I was just saying—"
"Does it make you feel good that those freaking nurses are swooning over you?"
I was ready to apologize because I felt like in a way, I could have embarrassed her but the way she was acting right now wasn't the deal that was supposed to work between us. "Where did that come from? Are you jealous? This is not part of our agreement. And those kind people that you call freaking nurses make your job easier, take note of that."
"Jungkook, are you stupid? Can't you see they wanted to flirt with you--"
"They were being friendly, but okay."
"You know it well enough that it's more than that and you entertained them."
"Stop jumping to conclusions. I hadn't even spoken to them long enough for you to claim I was enjoying it. Have you not experienced being nice to any of these nurses here?"
"I won't be making presumptions if you can just be less obvious that you enjoy their attention."
"You cannot tell me what to do, Jiwon. You're not my girlfriend." I took a deep breath to pull myself together as we went into the staff room. Surprisingly, nobody was there and it gave Jiwon a pass to be frantic and to grill me with dumb accusations.
"So you admit that you were flirting? I think I have the right to be upset because you agreed on this setup of casually going out on dates with me."
"We need to make some ground rules here if you want this to work out. First, stop being paranoid and clingy."
"I am not clingy. I give you the space you need because you said you're not ready."
I forced a short, painful laugh. "That's because it's what we discussed we should do."
"When the hell would you be ready? You cannot fuck up in front of my brothers when you meet them," she snapped irritably.
'That's another problem. You just can't make me do things without my permission."
"Don't you respect me enough to at least introduce yourself to my people?"
"Well, you can't even respect my decisions..." I ran my hands over my face. Was this really what I wanted? A woman nagging me at work. "How can you turn it against me when we clearly agreed on the same things and you seemed chill about them?"
Jiwon fell silent, and it seemed like what I said had her analyzing her behavior. Her gaze dropped to the ground for a few minutes, her features softening until she caught my hands in hers and gently squeezed them, and when I looked at her eyes, the frustration was quickly gone. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I can't do anything about it anymore because they're adamant on seeing you as soon as possible."
"I hate this."
"I know, I'm sorry, Jungkook." Jiwon draped her arms around my waist and placed her cheek on my shoulder, mumbling her apology.
"You can't be jealous over anything. I'm doing my job and you have to respect my boundaries. We're not exactly together."
She held me tighter. "I can't help it. It scares me."
I slowly pulled away and made her look straight into my eyes. "I'll be honest with you. I don't think we have a future together, but I'm trying, right? Don't do things that make me feel like running away from you."
I had to turn away when tears welled up in her eyes. I hated seeing her cry not because it hurt me but because even when I thought I did nothing wrong and she was clearly at fault, she'd start to tear up, and it would make me feel terrible and guilty. Jiwon was so good at this.
. . .
I found Taehyung and Park Soohyun sharing snacks together during break.
After a moment of hesitation, I made my way over to the two and said hello, taking their attention from their phones before I sat down across from Taehyung. Lately they had been having these meetings over food that happened at weird hours. Most of their interactions involved food and I heard it was usually Soohyun's treat.
Park Soohyun regarded me with a half-smile and I didn't know whether I would be thankful that I had managed to dismiss the stupid texts I sent her the other night. Before I could tell her I was sorry about the drunk messages, she immediately answered she did not take any of those seriously and there was nothing to worry about.
Taehyung offered me his shrimp crackers while Soohyun simply slid the bottle of strawberry milk towards me.
"Thank you."
"Would you like more snacks? Soohyun's paying for whatever you ask."
She rolled her eyes at him. I warily glanced at her, and when I leaned back in my seat the fatigue gradually bubbled up in my body, taking over my brain. It felt like I had been tired all day and it was only becoming more noticeable now. I considered going to the staff room and occupying one of the comforts of the bunk bed but I assumed there had to be something that would drag me back to work.
"Do you remember the one who ranked next to you?" My eyelids were heavy but when I noticed Soohyun was talking to me, I blinked hard in an attempt to take the edge off sleepiness.
"Yeah?"
"I peeked at her Instagram profile and found out she quit being a doctor. That explains why she didn't show up at the batch reunion."
"Really? What a surprise," Taehyung commented, his eyes widening in shock.
"She must have realized it isn't what she wants."
"That's actually brave of her... To let go of the thing she worked hard for... Six years isn't a joke," I said.
"Back then I had worried I might have chosen the wrong profession, but every day I had this fear that I would be kicked out from medical school. Which wasn't a good idea to me," Soohyun told me.
I nodded, understanding. "I felt that way, too."
"Do you remember Professor Hwang Changhyun? He gave me a failing mark in Behavioral Medicine. I almost did not forgive him for that."
I laughed. "Why, though? It's a one credit course. You would still pass the semester."
"Nope, for an average student like me, I needed to give all of my courses an equal amount of effort. I liked that course so much so I was disappointed I didn't get what I deserved."
Taehyung tore another snack open. He was more preoccupied with his phone than with joining in the small talk.
"Well, sometimes being a good doctor can't be reflected on grades."
"Yeah, in other circumstances, that's true."
I said, "The ones with the highest grades can be the greatest assholes."
"Do you relate to that?" She was grinning.
I chuckled. "I don't know anymore."
Her grin slowly disappeared.
. . .
I had to get out of here.
How hard was it to apply graft correctly? If I had to I rely on my memory, it wasn't really a laborious procedure... I'd watched enough live surgeries and had read tons of textbooks to do it right but when I was put right on the spot and earned an impatient look from my attending, I knew I could have made it worse.
I was not at my best. Afternoons were the times of the day that I wasn't healthy and the effect of coffee was wearing off. People said hi in the hallways but I had lowered my gaze down at the floor like it was such magnificent view and I kept walking. Why does the "star" resident look miserable? Within the last two years I published a few remarkable research. I was adored by my peers and staff. Then I just had to ruin my image.
I stayed in the our office, calming down my nerves. As expected, the door swung open, Doctor Won's eyes glaring at me and he screamed and cursed in aghast. "You could have potentially hurt the patient!"
With panic rushing through my veins, I stood up and explained that I could've done well if only I was well-prepared. I was willing to own up to my mistake and be accountable for it. "I'll do better next time."
"I won't allow you to enter the OR and assist on any operation I lead until you fix yourself."
I was stupefied, desperately wanting to believe he had not said that. "You can't do that—"
"Who the fuck do you think you are? Are you better than me?"
The words got caught up in my throat. "No."
"You're just a surgical resident!"
"I'm sorry, Doctor Won."
He pushed my forehead with his forefinger and I had to lean against the desk behind me. "Not only did you fuck up in the OR, but you also had done a medical prescription error to another patient! I would be doomed by your own mistakes. Now brag about your stupid college achievements and shove your ego up your ass. You probably cheated your way through the six years of medical school."
I was seething with anger and I held back myself for the next minutes that followed. His outrage shifted to another person in our team, but nothing could pacify my rising blood pressure emanating from his words. The others had received his wrath, and all the other mistakes we thought were forgotten had been brought up again and rubbed in our faces. I couldn't stop blaming myself that I caused another issue and stress on the surgical residents who were as exhausted as I was. I'm not good enough. I wasn't probably fit for the job. I emptied my thoughts and reminded myself that I worked hard for this and I knew myself better than he did. Who the fuck cares what he thinks of me? My hands started shaking and I swallowed hard, looking down at the floor to hide the tears in my eyes. The hell are you crying for, Jungkook? He was lying!
I was tired. So tired I just had to give myself a little pep talk and force my body to drive and call it a day. When I got myself back to my house, the first thing I did was get myself a glass of water.
Next thing I did was throw up.
I squinted my eyes shut, the blood was hot in my face, my breath quickening.
My phone screen lit up, indicating a message came in.
Park Soohyun
I noticed you were too tired back in the hospital. If ever you were having a bad day, just wanna remind you that you're doing great. Take a rest when you need to.
I had to read the message over and over again while I tried not to have another breakdown.
Park Soohyun
Can I call you?
It's okay
"Hey," she said from the other line. As if on cue, my brain started to malfunction, unable to come up with the right words to say and the wave of embarrassment began to flood in. Whatever reason I had for calling her up, it disappeared with the bitter disappointment and worry.
I was breathing too fast, struggling to keep calm. "Thank you for the nice words."
"Are you okay?"
I nodded as if she could see me. "Yes."
"You don't have to thank me."
I clenched my fist. "I just needed it after a long day." My voice cracked and I prayed so hard she didn't hear it. Why was I calling her in the first place?
"I'm glad I'm able to help... a little."
I could be holding her back from something and I was taking little of her time so I decided to tell her, "Yeah, so... I'll hang up if I'm disturbing you."
"Oh, you're not. But I'll have to end the call since I have to go."
"Ah, going out for dinner?"
"Yes, actually."
"Enjoy the night."
"Thank you. 'You sure you don't need anything?" I couldn't figure out why I tightened my grip around my phone like I was seeking for some security, my chest filling with a mounting sense of despair.
"No, I'll be fine. Thanks for your time."
I waited for her to be the one to end the call, and I waited and wondered why she wouldn't drop it. The awkwardness was swelling the silence until I heard her voice again. "Uhm, I know we're not friends... But you can tell me anything and I'll listen. I hope you can talk about your worries, and it doesn't matter whom you share them with. Just talk to someone. A lot of things are out of control, but most things will be okay eventually."
》AUTHOR'S NOTE《
i know my characters sometimes make you want to kick them in the curb but i want to focus on their weaknesses plus wrong decisions and how they work through shit with them.
it's currently 2:16 am here so i'm going to sleep after this^^
thank you for reading.