Kabanata 29
High Wind and Waves
"Thank you sa lunch," bungad ko kay Reeve nang lumabas ako ng opisina. Naroon siya at nagbabasa na naman ng libro. I was familiar with the cover when he closed it. Isa iyon sa mga libro ni Doc Malvar na nahiram ko na noon.
I was wondering why he's reading it.
Mula sa libro ay lumipad ang tingin niya sa akin. I was a bit startled by his stare. Nakahuma naman ako agad at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya.
"You're welcome. I hope you did not mind," aniya.
"Hindi ka na dapat nag-abala pa." I shifted. "I brought my own lunch. Nga pala, bakit hindi mo ako ginising? You knew I have an appointment at the farm."
I gave him a firm look. Bumuntong-hininga siya.
"You should've seen your face in the mirror," he retorted. Ang tingin niya ay parang isa akong litrato na kailangan niyang kabisaduhin ang mukha.
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Why? What's wrong with my face?"
"You look tired, Ada. I was concerned that maybe you won't be able to perform at your best today because you look sleepy and tired."
"Hindi mo na dapat concern iyon. I am a professional and I need to do my job kasi binabayaran naman ako," I argued.
Umiling-iling siya. "I understand your point. Ang sa akin lang naman, baka mamali-mali ang mailagay mo kapag inaantok ka. It will be bad on your record."
Pinaglapat ko ang aking mga labi. There's no point in arguing with him anyway. He has his point and I have mine. Pero desisyon ko naman kung kaya ko ba o hindi. The fact that he did not ask me just irks me. Paano na lang pala kung wala si Doc Malvar? Kailangang i-cancel ang check-up sa farm? Ayaw ko ring matambakan ng gawain dahil natambakan na ako ng isang araw.
"Okay, I'm sorry," suko niya dahil hindi naalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Reeve shook his head a bit and smiled at me.
"Maybe I was out of line so I'm sorry about that. Sa susunod ay gigisingin na kita bago gumawa ng desisyon,"
"W-well..." Damn, bakit ba ako nauutal?
Hindi natapos ang aking sasabihin dahil bumukas ang pintuan ng opisina. Lumabas si Doc Malvar at mukhang naririnig na ang pinag-uusapan naming dalawa.
"Ada, ako ang nagkumbinse kay Reeve na ako na lang ang gagawa ng check-up. Huwag mo na siyang awayin." Natatawa si Doc Malvar. "You should relax for a bit, Little Miss. What's done is done. Next week ay sa'yong-sayo ang schedule," he joked.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang i-re-react. A part of me wants to apologize too but I won't. Nasabi ko na rin naman at nauna na siyang mag-sorry kaya huwag na lang din. I just felt so irritated and I don't know why.
Bumaba ang tingin ni Doc Malvar kay Reeve at sa librong binabasa nito.
"Do you find it interesting?" tanong ni Doc.
"Yes. Quite difficult but I'll come around."
"Ganyan talaga. If you're not a professional at this field, mahirap talagang intindihin. It's also better to observe than just reading the book."
Ang tinutukoy ni Doc Malvar ay ang librong hawak ni Reeve. It was a book about Internal Medicine for large animals. Ganoon din ang binabasa ko noon maging ngayon kapag kailangan kong pag-aralan ang mga procedure. Although I've been into the same usual procedure, mas magandang sumubok din ng ibang approach sa surgery o sa pang-gagamot.
"Why are you reading that anyway?" tanong ko kay Reeve at naglakad sa cabinet upang tingnan ang iilang equipment doon. Siguro ay nilinisan ni Ron at hindi na muna ibinalik.
"I want to know what you're doing," aniya.
"Bakit? Mag-v-veterinarian ka na ba? Sawa ka ng maging piloto?" prangka kong tanong at nilingon siya.
He just stared at me. "I just want to familiarize myself with these, para makatulong ako sa iyo."
"I have Ron to assist me," I retorted. "And Doc Malvar or Isidore, kaya hindi mo na kailangan pa iyan."
I point back my attention to the equipment. Isa-isa kong ibinalik iyon sa lalagyanan nila para hindi magkagulo.
"What if they're not around and you'll only have me?" rinig kong aniya.
Nagpatuloy ako sa ginagawa. "I can manage. You just have to watch. Nag-aral naman ako para hindi na humingi ng tulong. If I need your help, then I'll call you. If kaya ko, then what's the point?"
I don't want to put myself again in a situation where I'll depend on him. Hindi ko siya maaasahan. Paano kung sa panahong kakailanganin ko siya ay wala naman siya? What if it's like before? Although I did not need him, what if he'll just leave? Kasi roon naman siya magaling. Aalis nang walang pasabi at mang-iiwan sa ere. Kahit na alam kong nagalit siya...dapat ay tinanong niya pa rin ako.
I am not bitter. I was just stating the possibilities. Ayaw ko na lang ding umasa kaya as much as possible, I don't want to rely to him while he's here. He'll just do his business and I'll do mine. Simple lang.
The days went on like usual. I help Reeve with the farm and its workers, while he does his duties at the clinic. Lagi siyang naroon at kahit tapos na ang working hours ay hihintayin akong matapos para isahang sara na lang.
"Ada, I still don't like how you just hired my brother to become the receptionist of the clinic," ani Isidore sa akin nang makalabas na kami ng clinic. Magkatabi kami sa paglalakad at inaya niya akong sa labas kami mag-usap.
"He's doing a great job, Sid. Hayaan mo na. It will only be for the mean time. Naghahanap na ako," I explained to him.
He is practically the owner of the clinic, seeming that his father was the one who established it. Pero dahil wala na siya ngayon, ako naman ang in-charge doon kaya may karapatan din naman akong mag-hire ng kung sino para sa ikagaganda ng clinic.
"Sid, can we just set aside what happened with you and your brother? Kung anuman talaga iyon kasi labas na ako riyan. I was okay with him here kaya walang problema. He's not invading my space either."
"Are you sure about that?" aniya at nagtiim bagang.
Nilabanan ko ang tingin niyang iyon. "I don't trust your brother. Sapat na bang marinig mo iyon sa akin?"
"But you're always with him."
Napailing ako. "You've been unreasonable ever since he came back. I don't trust him, okay? Whatever he does, hindi ko iyon pinagkakatiwalaan kasi alam ko naman kung ano ang kaya niyang gawin. He'd want to leave on his own kapag nagsawa siya."
"And what if he'll stay this time, Ada?" Lumapit siya sa akin at napaatras ako. Hindi ko na mabasa si Isidore ngayon.
"T-then, he'll just stay, Sid. Ano bang kinalaman ko riyan?" Napatawa ako. "You know what? You're being paranoid right now. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa'yo."
Naiiling akong umalis sa harapan niya. Ever since Reeve got here, the Isidore that I know shifted from being someone else. Isidore is always good at keeping his cool. Never ko siyang nakitang hindi mapakali sa trabaho. He was always calm and composed. Pero nang dumating na si Reeve, pakiramdam niya ay lahat ng pinaghirapan niya ay mawawala nang parang bula and that includes me.
"Ada, Ada...hey, I'm sorry," habol ni Isidore at hinuli ang aking braso. Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at pumihit paharap sa kaniya.
"Alam mo bang naiinis ako sa'yo ngayon?" I asked him with my irritated tone.
Tumawa siya at parang wala na sa kaniya ang pinag-usapan namin. "I'm sorry, okay?" malambing na aniya.
Mas rumahan ang hawak niya sa akin at hinila niya ako kaya napalapit ako sa kaniya.
"Naiinis pa rin ako," ang sabi ko.
"Huwag ka ng mainis. I'm just worried for you, alright?"
"Kaya ko ang sarili ko."
"I know that. I'm sorry." He pouted his lips a bit. Ngumiti siya pagkatapos. "Why don't you leave the farm today and we'll stroll around Arroyo? Mamalengke tayo for Tita Lourdes."
"Hindi na kailangan ni Mama nang ganyan," sabi ko.
He just laughed. "Okay. Then, I'll buy whatever you want? Peace offering? I'll drive, too."
"Hindi ba busy ang clinic mo?"
"Hindi pa naman. Cancelled muna ang paghahanap ko ng vet assistant doon."
Tinanguan ko ang sinabi niya. "Ngayon na ba tayo aalis? May gusto akong bilhin."
"Are you excited? Baka naman mabubutas ang bulsa ko niyan," biro niya.
"I'll just buy vegetables for myself. Alam mong separate ang pagkain ko kina Mama."
"Ah, right. You're vegan now. Sige, mamili tayo ng gusto mo. I'll drive." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Come on," aya niya at hinila ako.
I smiled when he pulled me with him. Ang bilis niyang mag-iba ng mood pero nababahala pa rin ako. I don't want him to get distracted, lalo pa at nagsisimula pa lang siya sa clinic nya room. Alam kong matagal na niyang pangarap iyon kaya ayaw kong ako ang maging dahilan para hindi niya iyon mapagtagumpayan. He's important to me and seeing him distracted bothers me, lalo pa kung ako naman ang dahilan.
I want to assure Isidore that I won't ever get close to Reeve again, pero ayaw ko ring bigyan pa siya ng motibo na umasa sa akin.
I enjoyed my day with Isidore. Namili kami ng iilang gulay na lulution ko sa bahay. My mother is actually against me turning vegan, pero iyon naman ang gusto ko at wala rin siyang magagawa roon. I also pay for my food in the house and separate naman ang kanila.
"Do you want to visit my clinic next week?"
"Titingnan ko ang buong schedule pero I'm sure na maisisingit ko naman ang pagbisita," tugon ko sa kaniyang tanong.
He was driving the car and we're headed back to the farm. Naidaan na namin sa bahay ang aking ipinamili at gulat na gulag si Mama sa dami noon. Di bale na, bibigyan ko na lang doon si Mama dahil I'm sure mabubulok ang iba roon kapag hindi agad-agad na nailuto. Hindi naman kasya ang lahat ng iyon sa ref.
"Ada, I enjoyed this day with you," ngiti niya.
"Ako rin naman, Sid. Sa susunod ay isama natin si Mabel at baka nagtatampo na iyon. Maybe I can take her with me to your clinic? What can you say?"
"Sure." Tumango siya.
Natahimik ang loob ng kotse pagkatapos. I can hear my steady breathing while staring outside the vast lands. Nadaanan namin ang mansion nila, senyales na papalapit na kami sa farm.
Nang maiparada niya ang kotse malapit sa harap ng Inn ay hindi agad ako lumabas. Nakita ko ang iilang campers na naroon.
"Ada," Isidore softly called my name.
"Hmm?" Nilingon ko siya.
"Can you promise me one thing?" His eyes showed hope. Sa malambot na tingin ni Isidore sa akin, parang ako naman ang nilulukob ng kaba. For what reason, I do not know.
Inabot niya ang aking kamay na nakapahinga sa aking gilid. My eyes glided on his hand that was holding mine delicately. Napalunok ako.
"Ano 'yon?"
"I don't want to hate my brother more. I want to build my relationship with him again but I can't do that if he's still into you, if it's still possible. Kaya pwede mo bang ipangako sa akin na kahit anong mangyari, you won't like my brother again? That you won't fall for him?"
Napakurap ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I was too distracted with his hand on mine that I'm still processing his words.
Huminga ako nang malalim.
"I know...this is too much to ask. You might think I'm stealing your freedom to love. Pero ayaw kong mahalin mo ulit ang kapatid ko. It will hurt me, Ada."
He sighed heavily. "I love you so much, until now, Ada. Kahit na anong pag-ayaw mo na sa akin, I won't stop until you feel something for me again. Susubukan ko. Paghihirapan ko."
"Sid," I called his name. "I don't need to promise anything for you kasi sa umpisa pa lang naman, wala na akong balak. And about this, about you pursuing me? Siguro kailangan kong pag-isipan pa."
I smiled sadly. "Kaibigan kita. Ayaw kong mawala ka sa akin nang dahil sa isang pagkakamali. I don't want to lose someone like you because you've been with me through my hardships. Ikaw ang mas nakakaintindi sa akin kaya kung bibiguin man kita...sana maintindihan mo rin ako."
"Okay," tumango siya. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'll respect that. Pero gusto ko lang sabihin sa iyo na hindi rin kita susukuan, kahit na anong mangyari. I love you, Ada. I've been in love with you for so many years and I don't think I could ever love somebody else. Ikaw lang."
Kinagat ko ang aking labi ngunit ngumiti rin. I don't know what to say. I've heard him confessed to me a lot of times and still I only get the same feeling—gratitude. Kung sana sa pagkakataong ito ay maiba na pero ganoon pa rin.
"You'll learn to love me again, Ada. Paghihirapan ko. Pagsisikapan ko."
"S-sige." Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kaniya. Ang bigat ng dibdib ko bigla. Ayaw ko ng makarinig pa ng kahit ano mula kay Isidore kasi pakiramdam ko nagiging traydor ako sa kaniya.
Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang aking kamay mula sa kaniyang pagkakahawak.
I leaned in and kissed his cheek softly. Ngumiti ako. "Babalik na ako sa clinic? I'll just see you next week, then?" pag-iiba ko ng topiko.
Tumango si Isidore at parang hindi na kinuwestiyon ang pag-iiba. "I'll see you next week, Ada."
Bumaba na ako sa kaniyang sasakyan. I dropped my smile then. Huminga ako nang malalim at nagsimula nang maglakad. I did not look back on Isidore. I walked continuously until I reached the signage of the inn.
Natigilan ako sa nang mapatingin sa bukana ng Inn. I was welcomed by Reeve's stares. Malalim at parang kinakabisa ang kilos ko.
I didn't want to stare longer. Alam kong nandito pa rin si Isidore at kung papaunlakan ko si Reeve, makikita niya iyon.
I did not promise, alright. So I just walked towards where I was headed, not minding the stares of the dangerous Camporazzo.