Alrighty. Here's another chapter :) thank you everyone for all the support and love. Keep up the comments and votin' and I'll keep up the postin' ;) Anyways, enjoy! Xx
I sat up in bed. My lips were dry and cracked. My eyes had crunchy sleep in the corners. I sniffled and cracked my neck. I looked down at my leg. On my thigh was a thin pink scar, about four inches across.
They must have used a healing stone. But that stone still couldn't heal the shattered mess inside of me.
The bed next to me was empty. They probably used a healing stone on Loki too.
I was pulled from my thoughts by a soft 'hem hem'
"Hello, Lady Aislin, I'm Fay. I am supposed to escort you to your room." I nodded and didn't lift my eyes from my toes. Fay helped me from the bed and we hobbled down the halls. Her arm wrapped around my waist to keep me upright.
"Fay, where are we going?" I croaked as we passed mine and Loki's bedchambers.
"Well, Loki requested that you have your own room now." I nodded slowly, processing the information. It didn't even sting any more. Everything just felt numb. My tongue darted out in between my cracked lips to wet them.
The new bedchambers was the next room over. She helped me inside and then stood awkwardly in the sitting area.
"May I sit down, Lady Aislin?"
"Aislin. Not lady Aislin." I snapped.
"Oh my apologies..." She trailed off and then took a seat when I motioned for her to sit down. I felt like I was sinking into an endless hole. Like something was dragging me under. I could barely keep breathing. I couldn't keep my head above water much longer.
"I'm sorry." She blurted out suddenly. I turned and watched her. A blank expression on my face. That's the only expression I could hold anymore. Blank. Numb. Erased. Gone. Empty. Hollow. Oblivion. "About the baby, I heard this morning. It's very tragic." I nodded and watched her fiddle with her fingers nervously. "If....if you ever need someone...to, you know, um? Talk to? I'm always here...." She trailed off and then lept from the chair. "I should be going. Just ring that bell if you need anything." She pointed to a silver bell hanging on the wall. I nodded and waited for her to leave before crumpling to the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and curled into a ball.
My chest felt hollow. I felt empty inside, purposeless. Loki left me. The baby is gone. I have nothing left to live for anymore. It's a miracle that they didn't boot my ass back to Midgard. Maybe uncle Tony would take me back in. I doubt it. I betrayed him. Why is my life so screwed up? My heart beat slowly in my chest. Reminding me that I was still alive. I sucked in air through my nose. My beating heart making me remember that I'm supposed to breathe. But breathing is hard right now. Living is hard right now. Everything is hard. It feels like lead weights are tied to every muscle and they drag me down when I try to move. My whole body aches from the weight. And the ocean is rising. Threatening to suck me under. The undertow far too strong for my frail body. And I could no longer cling to Loki to stay afloat. Depression always found a way to weasel its way back into my head. From the moment I started school. When my parents died. When Loki kidnapped me. The only time I thought I was finally free of the lead weights was when I with Loki, but now he's gone. And the lead weights have attached themselves to my body once more. Bringing me to my knees. I'm drowning but no one can see me struggle. No one knows that the lead weights act as anchors. Pulling me to the bottom of the endless black ocean. I say I'm fine but I fear that I'm going insane. I fear that my brain is slowly rotting away. Maybe if I lie here for a while longer it will. And I won't have to live with this dull ache in my ribcage. Where my heart should be. Where my heart should be thumping and stuttering when Loki fingers brush my cheek. Or when it flutters as he presses his lips to mine softly. Or when it skips as he walks down the halls towards me.
I'm being torn to pieces and I don't think I can be put back together. I'm being ripped apart and no amount of staples, glue, or tape can even begin to fix me. What's going on inside my head? I'm more afraid of what's within me than what's in the dark. I'm more afraid of what I might do to myself than what goes bump in the night.
I tangled my fingers in my hair and took a deep breath.
My head is a very dark place.
The carpet had made small indents in my cheek. My eyes drooped. I felt tired. But it's the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. The kind of tired that comes from restless nights and nights lying awake, staring at the ceilings. The kind of tired that is a side effect of depression and suffering. And the kind of depression and suffering that comes from losing the ones you love. I.e: Loki and our baby. I focused on my breathing. Deep, and slow. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
I examined my fingers. They were purple and trembling. My nails, long and jagged. Results of when Belle clawed my face. I knew she would return. I hadn't fulfilled the task. Loki didn't die.
But I did.
It felt like hours before Fay knocked on my door again. A soft rapping that filled my ears. The only sound I've heard today besides my various sighs and breathing patterns. When I didn't respond she slowly opened the door, a worried expression on her face.
"Aislin, dear, I have to get you dressed for dinner." She told me in a regretful tone. She pulled me from the floor and gave me a sad smile. "Come on honey, let's get you showered. You reek like hospital." She chuckled. Her smile was quickly erased when I kept a straight face. She led me into the bathroom and turned the knob in the shower until it was steaming. She placed a towel on the edge of the bath and jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, towards the bedchambers.
"I'll be waiting in there for when you're done." I nodded and stripped from my clothes. I stepped into the shower, the water scorching my skin. I leaned against the wall. The cool wall against my skin felt strange against my singed flesh. I slid down the wall, until I was sitting. I rested my arms on my knees and my head on my arms. Letting the water wash over my body. But no amount of water and soap and scrubbing could wash away the constant pain. My eyes felt dry. Like I cried away all my tears and now there were none left to cry. I waited in the shower until the water ran cold. Until it felt like snowflakes were landing on my skin instead of water.
It reminded me of when I placed my hand on Loki's face when he was in his jotun form. I wondered who else has seen him in that form. Who else has he shown the weakest, yet most beautiful side of him?
I was pulled from my thoughts by a frantic knock on the door. "Aislin!? Aislin? Are you alright?! You've been in there for over an hour and a half!" Her voice sounded panicked. I just rested my head on the wall and curled into a ball as I began to tremble from the water temperature. The door swung open. I didn't care if she saw me naked. In one bound she was in front of the shower doors, swinging them open.
"Oh my god. Aislin!" She turned the water off and wrapped a towel around my body with her shaky hands. "Aislin, I'll be shocked if you don't get hypothermia! You're purple!" My teeth were chattering. I shivered and she pulled me from the shower floor. "You scared me to death."
On the bed was an elegant ivory dress, the entire top was black lace, which was cut off my a black satin ribbon around the waist. Fay wrapped my hair up into a towel. I felt like a child. I couldn't even shower on my own anymore. She handed me the dress and I slid it over my legs first, then up my waist. At least I could still dress on my own. Although it took about fifteen minutes longer than it used to. She placed her hands on my shoulders and forced me in front of the vanity. My face was scarred by Belle's clawing. My eyes had dark bags under them. My skin was a sick yellow color. My cheeks hollow and gray. I looked like death. Fay was already tugging at my wet hair. Trying to tie it into a braid.
After several minutes of brushing and re-brushing my hair she finally finished the elegant braid. Then she began to brush makeup onto my cheeks. I didn't object but I wish she didn't. It wouldn't make a difference anymore. Who I am I supposed to impress? Loki left me. My face is far too marred to be saved by makeup. I nodded thanks when she finished and she hooked her arm in mine.
"Shall we?" I nodded and she led me out of the room. Down the hall. And towards the dinner hall. I braced myself. I would see Loki for the first time since he called it off last night. When we entered, Fay hurried into the kitchen with the rest of the maids. I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I slinked towards the empty chair next to the familiar mop of dark hair. My heart thumped in my chest as I slipped into chair. Trying not to bring attention to myself. I stared at the food and heard my stomach gurgle. But the thought of eating anything at all, made me feel sick. I sat with my hands in my lap, trying not to touch Loki's elbows as he cut the steak on his plate. I wondered if he was hurting without me. Or if he just brushed me off and that was that. Never to be remembered again. Has he cried? Does he hate me? I noticed Fandral staring at me with a forced frown on his face.
"I'm sorry Lady Aislin, I heard about...." He paused and I felt Loki stiffen next to me. His fork and knife went clattering to the plate. "I heard about the baby-"
"Fandral enough." Loki ordered, cutting him off. Fandral shot him a death glare.
"Well, you obviously don't care Loki, I mean, you're the one who left her for goodness' sake!" He shouted and stood from the table. I begged him to sit back down with my eyes. Loki was standing too, fuming. Loki raised his hand and then flicked his wrist. Fandral was shoved back into his chair by an imaginary force, exactly like Naddr had done to me. The table gasped.
"Loki! How dare you!" Frigga snapped in disbelief. I sat there, watching the whole ordeal unfold with a blank expression on my face. Fandral snarled.
"If you think I do not care, you are sadly mistaken. That was my baby too, that she lost, Fandral." He hissed and then stood from the table. I noticed that he said 'that she lost' instead of 'that we lost', his words stung. He stormed from the dining hall. The doors slamming behind him, even though no one touched them. I've never seen Loki use his powers so much before. I felt the urge to tail after him, but I knew that would be unwise. My eyes were ripped from the door when a soft hand stroked mine. I flinched.
"I'm sorry to startle you dear, I'm also very sorry about your current situation." Frigga cooed, a motherly look in her eyes. I nodded and kept my eyes on my other hand in my lap. She sighed and withdrew her fingers from my wrist. It was a sad sigh. It felt that the entire palace was always 'sad sighing'. Like the entire place had this thick fog of sad hanging over it. Plunging everybody into this uneasy pain. A pain in which they weren't sure why it stuck to them. Like in the summer when the mosquitoes don't bite anyone except for that specific person, and they aren't sure why. And right now the mosquitoes were so thick, that I'm not sure I can breathe anymore. Swollen bites covering my body.
Somebody tapped my shoulder and I spun around, frightened.
"Aislin, they dismissed dinner many minutes ago." Fay helped me from the chair and together we hobbled down the hall. Back to my room were I would curl up on the floor until Fay summoned me for breakfast. I guess this was my routine now. Floor, breakfast, floor, lunch, floor, dinner, floor, etc. I was starting to memorize the texture of those carpets on my face and fingers. Constantly tracing circles into the thick tassels. Spelling out different names, and I'm sorry letters for Loki. Fay sat down on the bed and handed me a silk night gown. I took it from her hands and slowly stripped from the ivory dress. About twenty minutes later I was now fully dressed in my nightgown and the ivory dress was back on the rack in my closet. Where the maids managed to move all of my belongings. It felt so empty without Loki's books lining the walls. The stacks covering the room and creeping into all of the arm chairs. The smell was different too. No longer the lavender and leather scent, no old paper smell that invaded your nose. Just sour air that smelled like rubbing alcohol and cheap perfume.
Fay forced me into the bed, refusing to let me curl up on the floor. She tucked the down comforter under my neck and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I liked Fay, she was like an older sister.
"Goodnight, Aislin." She flicked the lights off and the room was suddenly pitch black. It frightened me, without Loki's arms around my waist. I felt like at any moment Naddr would jump out and drag me back to Jotunheim. That suddenly Belle would come back and attack me. I mean, she killed the baby from inside my head, maybe she could force me to have an aneurysm or something. I wrapped my arms and legs around one of the pillows and waited for sleep to find me. It didn't come until around two in the morning, and it was dreamless, thankfully.
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I was awoken by Fay shaking me gently. She knew not to knock anymore, I wouldn't answer anyways. It was 10:00 which meant I missed breakfast. I furrowed my brows. Shouldn't she have woken me for breakfast?
"Frigga has decided to take you and a few others out for lunch today. I heard there is a marvelous little inn, in the forest. You know? Like a road trip to lighten the mood around here."
Who's all going?
"It's only going to be you, Frigga, Thor, Sif, and Loki." It was like she was reading my mind. She helped me off the bed and scurried into the closet. To retrieve my clothes. It was a pair of tight, high waisted riding pants and got tighter around the ankles. A pair of tall brown riding boots, a white shirt that had frilly white stuff down the middle. And then a leather jacket and leather gloves that matched the shade of brown as the boots. I pulled on the pants and then tucked the shirt into the pants. Fay laced up my riding my boots for me and then slid the small gloves over my fingers. I pulled on the leather jacket and then Fay forced me into the chair in front of the vanity. She pulled my hair into an elegant ponytail and then curled all of it at once. So all of it looped once. She started furiously applying makeup to my cheeks. Trying cover the scratches that were beginning to scar. But it was no use. It almost seemed that they repelled any type of makeup. She sighed and helped me from the chair. "Ready?" I nodded and she led me to the stables.
Thor and Loki were beginning to saddle their horses. Frigga was sitting atop a brilliant golden horse. Loki's stallion was midnight black, with a silky coat and Thor's stallion was white and spotted, kind of like a Dalmatian. Sif was nowhere to be found. Once Thor saddled his horse he walked over to me and nodded towards the stables.
"Let us go pick your horse." He grinned. Within the stable were about twenty five more horses. All with giant stalls. I walked down the aisles until I found a gray horse, whose belly had a white belt of fur around it. As if someone painted the horse gray and forgot to paint a ring around its middle section. His nose had a white streak down it and one eye had a white circle around it. I stopped in front of the stall and stuck my palm out. He licked and nipped at it, searching for food.
"This one?" Thor asked with his eyebrow raised. I nodded. "His name is Smudge." He unlatched the stall door and placed the bit in Smudge's mouth. Smudge didn't budge until Thor led him out by the rope connected to his bit. Smudge obeyed and I let Thor lead him into the pasture where the others were waiting. Horses sort of frighten me. Smudge seemed kind.
Smudge already had his saddle on. He seemed eager, as if no one had rode him for many months. The others were on their horses. Lady Sif had finally shown up. She rode a bright white horse that looked like someone had bleached the poor animal. Suddenly, Thor wrapped his arms around my waist and hoisted me effortlessly onto the tall animal. I gasped and gripped its course main.
"Have you ever rode a horse before Lady Aislin?" I shook my head, no. He pursed his lips and handed me the reins. He instructed me on how to hold them, how to maneuver the horse, and how to stop/go. "Ready?" I nodded and he hoisted himself into the stirrup then swung his leg over the horse elegantly. He sighed. "I miss your voice, Lady Aislin."
He tapped the horse with his heels and it started strutting forward. I followed suit as did everyone else. Frigga rode in the front, then Loki and Sif side by side, then Thor and I side by side. He watched me with a careful eye, he probably thought I would slip from the saddle. It was uncomfortable, riding horses. I didn't like it. I kept shifting from side to side and thought the horse would trip over every log we passed. Smudge obviously didn't care if I got whacked in the face by low hanging tree branches.
We rode for hours. My bum aching by the time we reached the small inn. I thought I wouldn't be able to walk for several days.
The inn was a small lodge with smoke billowing out of the chimneys on top. It had vines growing all over it so hardly any of it was visible. Thor slipped off his horse with the same elegance as before and tied him to a... Horse parking... rack?... I guess? He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me from the horse. He set me down and then tied Smudge to the same post thingy. I followed behind him as we entered the inn. There was a small bar and then the rest of the inn was filled with wooden tables and booths. A fire cackled in the corner and made the whole inn ashy. I watched the fire dance and and swirl around. It was so graceful. The way it moved and dipped. It reminded me of a sheet flowing in the wind. My mother used to make mazes out of clotheslines and wet sheets when I was a girl.
"Aislin?"
I liked when she did that, my father would hide behind the sheets and then jump out and grab me. He would spin me around until I thought I would cry from laughter.
"Aislin!" There was that voice again. My head snapped towards the direction in which it was coming from. All four of them were sitting at one of the tall tables, waiting for me to join them. "Aislin, care to join us?" Thor chuckled. My eyes flickered back to the fire before I slowly made my way to the table and hoisted myself onto the high stool. I sat in between Sif and Thor, across from Loki and Frigga.
Thor suddenly clapped a hand on my shoulder, I jumped and the mug of beer in my hands sloshed all over the table and me.
"Oh my! Lady Aislin! I'm sorry!" He bellowed with laughter and nudged me lightly. I almost fell off of my stool from the force. And I had to grip the table to stop from doing so. Loki was glaring at Thor from across the table. I took the cloth napkin from Thor with a shaky hand and began lightly dabbing my riding pants.
After several minutes of silence, Thor began to poke fun at Loki. He wasn't amused. Loki rolled his eyes and flicked his fingers. Suddenly Thor took a sharp breath and pressed his lips into a thin line, then both hands flew up to cover his mouth. They hit his lips so hard I thought he was going to knock himself from the stool. I gasped and spilled my beer all over Thor this time when Frigga slammed her hands down on to the table.
"LOKI! I wish you'd stop using your powers like that!" She shouted, her face flushed. Loki rolled his eyes once again. I placed my now empty mug onto the table and watched whatever was left in the glass slowly, ever so slowly, drip down the inside of the mug until it pooled in the bottom. Someone waved a hand in front of my face and my eyes skipped to the owner.
"Aislin, you alright?" Sif laughed and sipped her beer. Frigga watched me with a worried expression on her face.
A small chubby man walked up and began taking our orders. Loki ordered chicken, Frigga ordered pasta, Sif ordered a salad, Thor ordered steak. When the waiter reached me I just shook my head and brushed him off. The waiter just raised an eyebrow and stalked off.
"Aislin, when was the last time you ate something?" I gave Sif a small shrug. She ran her tongue over her teeth and rested her head on her fist. I dropped my head and fiddled with my fingers in my lap. My eyes flickered to Loki's and his green eyes darted away as soon as I caught him watching me. My heart thumped in my chest and I felt my face flush. We were like middle school kids. Watching the other one until they caught you, and vise versa. I tucked a loose strand of hair from my ponytail behind my ear.
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- Loki's P.O.V-
I sat in one of my frumpy arm chairs, a book in my hands, when there was a knock at my door.
"Come in!" I called not taking my eyes off the book, assuming to was either Thor or Frigga. When a small red head entered, I was very confused. "Can I help you?" I snapped. She dropped her head, bowing.
"Sir Loki, I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um.. May I sit?" She apologized. I raised my eyebrow, no maid has ever been this straightforward with me before. I motioned to the chair across from me. She had to move several stacks of books before sitting down. I folded the corner of my page carefully and closed the book. Awaiting what was so important that she had to interrupt me.
"Well?" I snapped when she didn't speak.
"I wanted to talk about Aislin." She replied quickly.
"No." I hissed and slammed the book down on the table next to me. She jumped and then flattened out her skirt, which wasn't wrinkled, regaining herself.
"Yes." She snapped. "I'm worried about her." I felt my temper growing. I was gripping the arms of the chair until my knuckles were white.
"How dare you storm into my bedchambers and order me around!" I shouted and raised my hand in the air. We were both standing now. Her hand shot out a gripped my wrist. "How dare you! How dare you speak of her!"
"Loki! Shut up already! Stop letting your ego get the best of you and just admit you were wrong!" I felt my jaw drop and my eyes widen.
"How dare y-"
"Loki! She's dying without you!" I felt my breath hitch in my throat.
"Excuse me?" I whispered.
"She's dying without you." She repeated herself. I ran my fingers through my hair and fell back into the chair. She sat back down also. "The other day, when I summoned her for dinner. I found her curled up on the bedchamber floor, in a ball. She was like that for nine hours. She was in the same exact position when she came back from the infirmary. She didn't move all day." I ran my tongue over my teeth. "She could barely stand up on her own. I forced her to shower. When I practically broke down the door about two hours later she was lying on the shower floor. The water felt like ice cubes. I was almost certain she contracted hypothermia. She doesn't speak anymore. Just shrugs and nods. She refuses to eat. She can't get dressed on her own anymore. She can't brush her hair. Can't braid it. Can't do her makeup. Can't get out of bed in the morning." She paused to catch her breath. Every time she spoke it felt like someone was cutting a little piece of my heart away. "She's scared to sleep. I came to check on her in the middle of the night because I was so worried. She wouldn't stop twitching and trembling, all curled up against the pillows. As if she was hiding from something." Naddr. She was still having nightmares about Naddr. I knew it. "It's like when you left her, it took more than an emotional toll on her. It's like when you left her that she lost all of her physical strength. Lost all the will to carry on. She would probably still be curled in the ball on the floor if I didn't come to get her ready for dinner." Each word sliced my flesh. Burned themselves onto my face. Scarred my torso. It stung, to hear these things about Aislin and it hasn't even been more than two days.
"I'm sorry. I cannot go back to her." I mumbled and shut my eyes gently. "I just cannot." She lept from the chair.
"You have to! You have to Loki!" She screamed and gripped my tunic.
"Unhand me!" I growled as her grip tightened. "Unhand me this instant!" She didn't budge.
"Loki! Promise you'll go back to her!" I waved my hand and she was thrown back against the chair. She squirmed against my hold.
"You will leave. This instant. Or so help me." She wheezed and her head snapped back and forth.
"Loki you know it's true. You know you're wrong!" She cried.
"Now! Leave now!" I released my hold and she sucked in air quickly.
"You know it's true." She mumbled before hurrying from the room. Once the door slammed behind her I fell back in the armchair and shut my eyes gently. My heart throbbed in my chest.
I squeezed my eyes shut and placed my middle, and ring fingers against my temples. Maybe this would work this time. When Naddr had kidnapped her I tried, but I believe he was blocking my powers. I sighed and rubbed my temples.
Soon my mind began to swirl. I had to force my way inside her head, but when I finally did, I heard a blood curdling scream next door. I knew I had finally broken through the weak barrier she so desperately put up. I knew it would cause her pain, but I had to do it. I was watching everything unfold before me, through her eyes. As if I was inside of her.
She was lying on the ground, in a heap by her sitting area. She shot up into a sitting position, and looked around. She had been sleeping. She opened her mouth and exhaled sharply.
The door slammed open, revealing a frazzled Fay.
"Aislin! Oh dear! What's the matter?!" She dropped to her knees by Aislin's side and cradled her in her arms. Aislin just brushed her off. Her stomach gurgled and it was a sickening sound to hear. Like the sound of someone's voice when it cracks right before they start crying. "Aislin! I told you to eat that!" Fay cried in a disappointed tone and motioned to the tray of food on the coffee table. Aislin just shook her head. "Well, will you at least rest? And not on the floor?" When Aislin didn't respond, Fay lifted her from the ground and helped her into the bed. The heavy curtains were drawn, blocking out any natural light. Fay tucked her under the covers and flicked the lights off. I immediately felt her heart begin to race. Fear settling in, all across her mind. She curled in a ball against the headboard, a pillow cuddled in her arms. Any sound making her flinch. The bed settled, causing a large cracking sound. She gasped and began to tremble.
Oh god? What was that?! She thought. And squeezed the pillow tighter. She was like a child. She buried her face in the pillow. I remember that movement. That familiar thing she would always do to the hollow under my shoulder. She rubbed her head and moaned in pain. Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I do anything right? The words were chanted in her head. Why won't he love me? Why won't he understand that it was Belle? Why would I murder our own child? Each thought became harder and harder to grasp, my powers draining.
I wrenched my eyes open and gasped for air.