BENJI POV
My stomach was so full I thought I was going to be sick.
First it was the steak, which Remington grilled perfectly. Like, the best medium rare ever with perfect diamond grill marks and just the right amount of char. Then there was Mom's pasta salad recipe that Lissy made and all the other sides she and Daisy put together.
And then the cake.
Greg was right.
Lissy makes it better than Mom ever did.
She adds more ginger and cinnamon to the batter, plus she is the one who thought to add cinnamon to the cream cheese icing. I remember the first time she added cinnamon to the icing back when she made this cake one year for Dad's birthday about a year before they died. Mom noticed and was so impressed, complimenting Liss over and over for being such a great chef and trusting her gut.
My sister just beamed. I think that might have been when she really fell in love with baking.
I leaned back in my chair after taking a long drink of water, watching my sister interact with our new friends and my new... family? I guess?
Maybe my therapist is right.
The session today was the hardest one I've had in a long time.
He asked me to bring Lissy in about halfway through since I was getting uncomfortable with all the questions about Greg and Remington. I didn't want to be asked about starting a new family with them.
I don't think I need to start a new family.
Why can't I leave things as they are?
Lissy came into the room and tried to explain that to my therapist but he didn't really understand. She was frustrated, too, and told me later that she filled her therapist Raina in so she can help us figure out what to do next.
My therapist just said that I should try to build a bond with Greg since he's my bio dad and is dying soon. Of course that's true, but that doesn't mean he's my dad.
I didn't like the idea that I had to give up Lissy to have a family with Greg and Remington.
The therapist also got on Lissy's case for not giving me enough privacy. It was a good point but I just hope she doesn't back away entirely.
I need her... now, more than ever.
"So, Benji?" Greg started, letting out a sigh as he set down his fork after a second piece of cake. "What's your favorite dessert?"
I groaned and rolled my eyes, turning my head to Lissy.
She must have told them.
My sister was curled in a ball, giggling with her hands covering her face while she leaned toward Remington. His arm was wrapped around her back and he laughed, giving me a look that told me I was right.
"Alice Maryanne Davidson, did you sell me out?" I used the firmest tone I could but my voice cracked when I said her middle name, causing everyone to snicker at my attempt to be serious.
Lissy shook her head at me, wide eyes and mouth open. "I don't know what you mean, Beep!"
Her fake innocence made me laugh, especially when she added my nickname.
No matter how old I am, I'll always be her Beep.
I turned to Greg with a long sigh, "As my sister probably already told you, I don't have a single favorite dessert. I don't want to be put in a box. I like basically everything and choose something different for basically every birthday."
My sister started to snort, hiding her laughter behind a beer bottle as I turned to glare at her. She openly laughed once I caught her, "Benji, you definitely have some top contenders for your favorite dessert."
The accusation made me indignant. I gasped, my eyes going huge and jaw slack, "You lie! Tell me three things that I would ever consider a favorite. Specific desserts, too. You can't just say ice cream and expect that to count."
Lissy raised an eyebrow at me, adjusting her position in her chair and leaning forward.
Shit.
I know the way my sister is staring at me now and it only means her brain is coming up with something that will probably prove me wrong.
Remington looked around the table like he was scared of how she was studying me but I just grinned, reclining further in my seat. This is when my sister is fun to hang around. She's relaxed and able to just be herself without controlling everything in her reach. Back when we were in Atlanta we would just joke around like this all the time, guessing each others choices or even ordering meals for one another sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I didn't actually choose things she wanted most of the time, but Lissy never did anything but squeal with excitement every time the delivery arrived.
My sister tilted her head then pointed at me with her almost empty bottle and smirked, "Top three desserts are red velvet cake with brown butter cream cheese icing, a hot fudge and brownie sundae of some sort with other toppings because you like your sundaes decked out, and ... hmmm..." Lissy squinted toward me before gasping and finishing with, "Homemade Apple pie!"
I groaned and buried my face in my hands, the scratchy texture of the cast scraping against my forehead.
She did a great job on her choices. If I had to decide, those would be the three I would choose.
"What about this cake?" Remington asked as I raised my eyes, noticing smiles around the table while Lissy beamed with pride at her success.
I shrugged, "I mean, I love this cake. I love basically every dessert, though. For favorite cake it has to be red velvet but this would be a really close second place. Like... like... this spice cake is a few milliseconds behind red velvet." My eyes moved to Lissy, holding hers a moment, "And it would be your version, Lissy, cause it really is better than Mom's."
Her smile faded a little but Lissy nodded, staring me in the eyes when she said, "Thank you, Beep. That means the world to me."
We took our time cleaning plates and tidying up the back yard, playing frisbee with Peach between runs into the house so she could enjoy the evening as it got cooler. Doc Edwards arrived and happily prepared herself a plate of leftovers before sitting at the table while we continued chatting in the summer breeze.
It was a perfect night.
The pain meds kept my leg and arm from hurting too much and I got to eat a great dinner, plus had lots of dessert. Daisy was sad that her mom took so long to arrive but she apologized when she arrived and explained it was due to an emergency surgery she needed to help in.
It doesn't make the delays okay, but I know Daisy is understanding of her mom's schedule. She misses the time they should be able to spend with each other but knows Doc is needed elsewhere. We've texted when she's at home instead of hanging out with us and it's hard for her to be alone so much. I'm glad my sister seems so happy to have Daisy around.
Having Daisy around makes me happy, too.
Peach ran up with the frisbee and pretended to give it to Daisy before shaking her head then jogging to me and dropping the toy. We both laughed before I threw the toy and the dog caught it in mid air.
Daisy and I kept going back and forth with the frisbee while the grown ups chatted but after
"What do you think they're talking about this time?" she asked, rolling her eyes and scoffing.
I laughed, "We can go find out, Daisy."
There was a shift in the way she stood that I didn't expect. Daisy was always relaxed with me now. Of course I liked her and had a crush... and maybe more... but we're just kids and want to enjoy our last summer before high school.
Now I can see more of Daisy's insecurity and sadness.
She's so broken.
"Daisy? What's on your mind?" I used Lissy's trick and made my voice quieter and more gentle, but that only made her seem to shrink even more.
"I just feel like something bad is going to happen."
The words were a whisper and followed by a sniffle. Daisy looked in my eyes, blinking away tears, "I feel like this is all going to go really really badly and I can't shake it, Ben..."
I reached my arms toward her and Daisy walked closer, accepting the hug I offered.
She fits so perfectly in my arms.
"Hello??!"
A voice called from behind me and I turned, noticing a group of four approaching the yard slowly while Remington seemed excited to greet them.
"Fuck!" Daisy muttered, her face buried in my chest to hide a moment before looking up at me, "I forgot they lived over here also."
My brow furrowed and mouth opened to ask who they were but Lissy was already waving us to come over. I shrugged and looked back down at Daisy whose face was now changed into a plastic smile with an almost robotic posture.
Ohhhh that's not good.
Lissy has had that face before. It happened when she was in college and had to work with some girls that were really nasty to her. They were in a group project and did not do any work so my sister had to shoulder basically everything.
I remember they came over once and my sister spent the whole time tense and just faking it so she could make it through the study session. Afterward we ordered pizza and she took her anti anxiety meds so she could chill. By the time we were eating barbecue chicken pizza and watching "The Avengers", she felt better and was able to talk about how bad they made her feel.
I put my free hand on Daisy's back to try to stabilize myself a bit and give her a little reassurance as we made our way back to the group. She glanced at me and flashed a genuine grin then switched back to her fake smile before greeting the strangers who were now chatting with Remington, Doc Eddie, Lissy, and Greg.
"Hey! I forgot you lived over here, Trisha!" Daisy tilted her head but helped me settle into one of the chairs at the table. I groaned, stretching my leg and wincing while I took off the boot.
Lissy moved to my side, kneeling next to me, "Time to chill for a bit, Benji." She gave me a tight smile then looked at the group that was now staring at us and grinned, "I'll let Remington introduce you to his neighbors."
I nodded, looking up to the group and noticing it appeared to be a family. Older man and woman, seemingly normal American mom and dad with a younger boy who appeared to be grade school age and a girl that clearly has a history with Daisy.
Remi was smiling and seemed relaxed. So did Doc and Greg, who was laughing at something the older man said before he turned his attention to me.
"You okay there, bud?"
I nodded, "Yeah, I think we were playing with Peach for too long."
On cue, she ran toward me with her tongue hanging out of her mouth, yelping with excitement at the new friends to meet. Daisy and I chuckled at how excited she still was, even after playing for so long, and when I looked up I saw the little boy was leaning away from his mom to get a better look at our dog.
"Want to come meet her? She's really nice!" I reassured him, grabbing a piece of watermelon from the table, "Here, you can give her a treat."
He looked up at his mom who gave him a warm smile before running toward me and taking the fruit, offering it to Peach then sitting on the ground while she instantly laid in his lap. Daisy took her seat next to me so the boy and Peach were now between our chairs relaxing while I grabbed another piece of watermelon and handed it to him so he could pass it to the best dog ever.
"Well, looks like Trenton is settling in nicely with our new friends, doesn't it?" The dad said, chuckling and shaking his head. "He's usually really shy so that's really neat to see!"
"I guess so!" Remington agreed, and I noticed him slide his arm around Lissy's back while they stood near the couple and their daughter. "So, Taylor and Rebecca Morris, this is Alice and Benji Davidson. As you know they... yeah... we... well they just moved here. Anyway, Alice and Benji, the Morris's lived here before Dad moved in so we've known them a long time. Trisha is also about to start her freshman year of high school with you guys and Trenton there is.... Uhhh...."
"He will be in second grade this fall!" Rebecca completed with a smile, leaning forward a bit to get a closer look. Trenton giggled while Peach licked his face, the boy wiggling around and trying to keep up with how excited she was.
Lissy and Remington grabbed a few chairs so they could sit down but Trisha took hers, moving it right behind where Peach and her brother were seated on the ground.
I would usually think this was just a way to just get to know the kids her age better but the glare she shot Daisy told me otherwise.
She wanted to be physically between us.
This is the time to really work Lissy and my magic, though.
After spending years working together against everyone that judged us in Atlanta, I knew my sister would pick up on whatever vibes Trisha had and help me out.
"So what are you involved in at school usually, Benji?" Mrs. Morris asked me while Remington went into the house to grab fresh drinks for everyone.
I cleared my throat, sipping the lukewarm water in my glass before responding, "I play sports but do pretty well in actual school stuff, too. Baseball is number one but I love soccer also."
I saw Mr. Morris's eyes go wider and light up when I mentioned baseball. "Do you plan to try out for the high school team?"
"Yeah, hoping I can if my leg and arm heal up okay," I shrugged, lifting my camouflage cast in the air half heartedly. "I have physical therapy tomorrow and have been doing all my exercises so I hope it helps."
"Whoa... you lost your arm??" a small voice said from below, causing Daisy and I to burst into laughter. We looked down at Trenton who was grinning, the camo joke he pulled brilliantly timed.
Lissy heard as well and cracked up laughing as well, turning to Mrs. Morris and saying, "You have a comedian in the making over there."
She nodded with a laugh, "Yeah, Trent is definitely a jokester."
"Good. We're the same way." My sister's voice was so warm and comforting, which I noticed made Daisy relax even more. She sank into her chair more and move freely when Lissy was talking but as soon as Trisha spoke up Daisy would be tense again. Doc's phone rang and it was the hospital so she excused herself.
"Mommy leaving you again, just like Daddy did, eh?" Trisha said the comment quietly but I still heard her.
I gasped, turning in my chair to face her fully. "Want to repeat that?"
Trisha's eyes went wide and jaw dropped, "Uhh, I didn't say anything."
"Yeah, you did. And maybe it would be wise to remember who you're speaking about and whose house you are currently visiting before you speak again." I said clearly while looking in her eyes.
She smiled coyly, "You're feisty. I like that." Trisha smoothed back her blonde ponytail, "I'm a cheerleader so I'm sure we'll be seeing a ton of each other in school."
All I could do was laugh and shake my head. "Nah. I'm good."
Remington returned with drinks and gave me a funny look as I was leaning back in my chair and chuckling. "You good, bro?"
I grinned, taking the offered can of Sprite and handing it to Daisy with a big smile then holding eye contact with her a moment while I answered, "I'm great. Are you good, Daisy?"
It was like a switch flipped.
Daisy's posture changed from being tight and coiled to looser. She relaxed and let out a sigh, taking the drink and smirking, "I'm superb. Thank you for asking, Ben."
She started calling me Ben and I think I love it.
Benji is great, but having a nickname that's just from Daisy makes it even more special.
Remi offered a drink to Trisha but she narrowed her eyes and stood, walking over to her parents and saying something to her mom then leaving.
I looked at her folks and realized I had just confronted their daughter in front of them, but also knew I had not done anything wrong. Both were still relaxed and Mr. Morris gave me a smile, turning around to make sure Trisha was far enough away before speaking.
"Thank you for saying something, Benji. Trisha is... yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you."
"I didn't do anything but what I thought was right." I shrugged, opening my drink and taking a long sip.
Trent spoke up, standing and stretching a bit, "But it's hard to do the right thing cause my sissy is real mean sometimes."
Daisy's face softened and she rubbed his back a moment, sweetly replying, "Well if you ever want to hang out then you're welcome to come play with Peach. Right, Liss?"
We turned to my sister and saw a bright grin on her face. "Anytime. Remington comes over constantly so you could even hitch a ride with him if you want."
Mrs. Morris looked at her husband then back at Liss, "Wait. Are you serious?"
"Of course! We can't do much now since we are healing and I'll be working from home part time for a bit until I can be out in the field anyway. Right now we're just home all day hanging out so Remi, Greg, and Daisy are around all the time. We would love to have Trent over as well if you ever want to come by. It's clear Peach loves him and she needs tons of play time so it wouldn't hurt to have a little guy around to chase her." Lissy looked at Remi a moment then continued, "You could even bring him over one day just for awhile to see how it goes if you want."
"We do tons of baking, play video games, play outside with Peach, all kinds of stuff!" Daisy added with a big grin. "Trent, what's your favorite dessert?"
"Cake!" He exclaimed with a toothy grin, making all of us laugh.
"What kind of cake?" I asked.
Trent shrugged, "I don't know. Just cake!"
"We've found your match, Ben!" Daisy laughed, "Someone else who just wants any dessert."
I leaned over and nudged him with my shoulder, "I think we're gonna be good buds, Trent."
He giggled and nodded but seemed to get shy all of a sudden and moved back to his mom who cuddled him into a sweet hug, nuzzling into his neck which caused more giggles from the boy.
My heart broke a little.
I miss my Mom.
Seeing a little boy who was about the same age I was when she died makes me wish I could have one more snuggle. One more lullaby of Mom singing "Landslide" while she runs her hands through my hair then says I need a haircut. One more chance to feel her arms around me and that safety that only a Mommy can give you. One more time hearing "I love you, my baby boy."
One more laugh.
My mom had the best laugh. I'm so glad Lissy does, too.
I felt a hand on my wrist and looked over, noticing my sister had the same look on her face. The same sadness in her eyes.
She feels it, too.
Sometimes I forget how broken we both are. When you lose someone it's not like you can stop grieving. We move it aside and keep living but then a moment like this happens where we see so much pure love in a mother and her little boy and just... it just hurts.
Lissy leaned over, whispering to me, "I love you, Beep. I'll always love you."
I couldn't reply but I nodded and looked in her eyes, blinking away tears.
She knows what that means.
Mrs. Morris seemed to notice and spoke up, "Are you okay, Benji?"
Lissy answered for me, clearing her throat, "We'll be okay. It's been a really long day for us so I think I need to get heading home so he can start his epic sleepover with Remington and Greg now."
"You get to sleep over!" Trent's voice was so excited that I had to laugh.
"Yeah, I'm crashing here and I get to go through lots of baseball cards, too!"
Mr. Morris perked up now, "Remi, are you holding out on me here?"
Remington shook his head, hands up, "Dad had them in storage so we are going to let Benji give me a hand sorting things out. And Lissy is right, we should get moving but I'm so glad you guys stopped over! Benji, Mr. Morris is the high school gym teacher and baseball coach so you may be seeing a lot of him soon."
I was surprised at the news and smiled, excited now that I knew someone I would actually be able to work with in the Athletics department. "Well, I'm glad I got to meet you now, Mr. Morris!"
"Yeah, I have a feeling you're going to heal up just fine, based on how you're taking care of yourself and the way you're moving around." Mr. Morris stood and stretched, then reached for Trent and picked him up. "Let's get you back in action then I would love to meet up and do some sessions so you can get back in fighting shape."
"Really?" I stood and noticed Daisy do the same while Doc rejoined the group.
"Of course. If Remington was this excited about making sure I met you then I have a good feeling you'll be part of my team somehow."
The sadness I felt was still there, but now there was something else growing.
Hope.
"I am so so sorry!" Doc said as she returned.
"You're fine, Doc! We are going to head out to get this guy to bed anyway and it sounds like they have a sleepover with baseball cards to begin as well." Mrs. Morris approached and gave me a gentle hug, "Thank you for being so sweet with Trent. He has a hard time getting to know people so that means a lot to me."
"You're welcome," was all I could manage to say.
Getting a sweet hug from a mom was something my heart must have needed. It made me feel a little bit better.
Lissy and Remington stuck outside to chat with them a bit longer while Doc helped Greg get into the house and Daisy helped me get all of Peach's toys that were scattered around the lawn.
"So... what's the deal with Trisha?" I asked quietly while grabbing a frisbee that was next to the horse shoe pit.
Daisy sighed, kneeling to pet Peach a moment. I assumed this was for a bit of strength since Lissy and I have been doing the same thing now that we have such a great dog around. "Well, she's the typical mean girl type popular brat. Just not nice. I.... I mean....I have like, no friends, Ben. Seriously. I bring a lunch so I can eat fast then go to the library. I'm like an outcast."
Her head was down and I noticed Daisy's shoulder scrunch before Peach moved to lick her face.
"Daisy... I wasn't, either."
She looked up, eyebrows furrowed and head tilted, "You weren't? But you're cute and athletic..."
Wait.
Hang on.
She thinks I'm cute?!
I paused a minute to make sure I didn't say the wrong thing but this was really cool to hear.
"Daisy, I'm an orphan being raised by my adopted sister. I know having a single mom probably means you get teased... but I'm sure you can imagine the shit people have said to me, too."
Her eyes got huge and hand covered her mouth. "Oh, Ben! I didn't even think about that! It must be horrible!!"
All I could do was shrug. I never know how to answer things like that.
It's really bad. I hate being bullied.
I also hate feeling weak, though, so that's why I go to therapy and make sure to listen to the stuff Lissy tells me. She's smart and I know she's doing all she can to try to help me heal.
Instead of answering I just sighed and reached out my free hand to help Daisy stand up. We grabbed the other toys and waved to Trent and the Morris family when they left but I knew things would be different now.
She thinks I'm cute.
I can work with that.
"And Daisy?"
"Hmm?" She turned to look at me, the sunset catching her dark hair and making her eyes shine. I made a mental note of how she looked right now, right this moment, since I felt like it was going to be important.
I started into her amber eyes and smiled, "Neither of us will be eating lunch alone now."
Her lips curved into a smile that became a bright grin, lighting her eyes and making my heart melt.
I can definitely work with that, too.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
(Trigger Warning)
Thank you all again for your patience.
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
I make it a point to share openly with you, my readers, since I want to be transparent. This book is a deep dive into grief and trauma. I've had plenty of both in my life and after losing another grandparent less than 2 months ago, almost losing my father in law less than 2 weeks ago, and then actually losing another family member last week... it's just really hard to get through at times.
For a bit more info, an extended family member took their own life last week. They were on life support for a few days after as well so it was touch and go for awhile. It's someone that had a lot of mental health struggles and had attempted suicide in the past. They would unfollow all of us on Facebook but always reached out to my mom and I first when things were "good" again, so I've been feeling extremely guilty for not doing more. Last week I spent a LOT of time practicing self care and trying to remember that just like my mental health is not anyone else's problem... the same goes for the rest of the world.
We are all responsible for ourselves. I say it all the time, but when something like this happens it's hard not to be just crushed by guilt along with the sadness and grief that comes with losing someone this way - not to mention being triggered with my own dark thoughts.
So, thank you for getting it. For always being gracious and knowing that the content of this book is really close to home anyway so I'm quite literally sharing tricks I use in my day to day life to help myself cope with tragedies.
My father in law also found out that this is essentially the end of the road for his cancer journey since they are unable to do chemo another time and he cannot do any experimental treatments available. Naturally my husband and I are really struggling so I've been trying to make sure I take care of myself when I can so then I can focus on him when he's off work.
It's hard. This is all just really hard. So I'm going to keep writing and pushing forward in a healthy way but expect more authors notes with updates like this since I love you all and appreciate the devotion and care you show me. It means so much to know you're keeping track and want to be part of my life and writing world.
Love you all,
xx Lizzy