There are only so many years Tony has left of life. Seeing a bunch of superheroes and teenagers in the common room covered in white powder and what looks like solid blocks of it behind them probably took some off.
When he got back from a week-long conference, all he wanted to do was to eat a burger, drink some of Bruce's special mango tea, and nap. Can he do that? No, Tony can't.
As soon as the elevator doors opened and Tony saw the living room filled with white powder, he closed his eyes and sighed.
"Tony-" Steve began but as soon as Tony lifted a hand he stopped.
Tony walked into the living room and looked around until he found that the armchair had the least amount of powder on it. Sitting down, he leaned back, looked at the ceiling and rubbed his temples, eyes closed.
After a few minutes, he opened his tired eyes and looked at the group of children. There were five legal grown-ass adults and three teenagers who were only a few years away from voting. Mentally groaning, Tony asks himself when he became the responsible adult. Jarvis is probably laughing in the afterlife.
In his most composed calm voice manageable, he begins to speak. "I want to know exactly what happened that resulted in whatever mess this is."
When everyone began to speak at the same time Tony added. "One of you will tell me what happened here. One." When no one spoke, Tony's eyes sought out the teenagers and landed on Peter, who was holding a block. "Pete, what is that?"
"Um...cocaine?" The small voice that left Peter made Tony think about just how young the boy was.
"Why is my kid holding a block of cocaine?" He wasn't angry. Nope, not upset about the fact his 15-year-old mentee is in the presence of illegal substances.
There was shifting from the 'adults'. "Do I have to ask again?"
Steve, the brave soul he was, spoke. "You see, um, we were going to move it to the kitchen when one of the crates broke, so we were moving the blocks one by one instead."
The, again, grown-ass adults nodded as if what Steve said explained why there was cocaine all over the living room with teenagers present.
Tony leaned forward and elbows and covered his face with his hands. "Why are there kids here?" his voice was still steady. Just barely.
"There were too many crates of cocaine, so we needed help..." Sam said quietly.
Folding his hands under his chin, he looked at the stupid bird. "So, you thought that bringing an underage teenager and his friends was a good idea?"
"Um, Mr Stark," The chubby boy next to Peter began. "We were told that we were just going to help with something but not what..."
The curly-haired girl spoke next. "We were studying for our midterms and were going to the bakery for our break when Hawkeye came in a car. He said it was just going to be quick but we've been here for almost two hours."
Tony stood up and began pacing. He spoke to the heroes, his voice growing louder. "You're telling me that you kidnapped three teenagers and had them move highly addictive drugs. Drugs that, evidently, wasn't packaged very well considering that there's cocaine everywhere in this room!"
He stopped pacing and turned to the teenager. Walking over to them, he took in the fact that each of them had white powder all over their clothes, faces and hair.
Tony licked his thumb and tried to wipe some of the powder off Peter's cheek. That's when he realized something.
He turned and stalked over to the irresponsible adults angrily. Pointing at each one of them and spoke. "One, two, three, four, five. Five legal grown superheroes and not one of you thought what could happen if three teenagers had accidentally inhaled any of the powder. Nat, Bruce, I thought one of you would have at least realized that one of these kids has powers and we don't know what cocaine can do to his system. Barton, you'd let your children play with cocaine? All of you are going to explain to me, one at a time with details, what the fuck happened here and why the hell there's fucking cocaine in my goddamned tower!"
Tony took a deep breath and continued. "I'm going to get these kids in a decontaminating shower and getting their respiratory systems checked in case they did inhale anything. When I get back, I want this tower free of cocaine. I don't want any of my furniture with even a spec of white powder or so help me I am going to show each one of you why I was called Merchant of Death."
The room was tense and filled with anxious energy. Tony turned to the children, because these teenagers are still kids till the law says otherwise, and began to herd them into the elevator. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up and then I'll call your parents to tell them you're staying for the weekend. Do you need any help with your study guides?"
The teens gave the inventor various responses as they settled into the elevator. As the doors closed, Tony gave the heroes a warning glare that served as a reminder of what he told them.
Bruce began the look for the many Roombas, the ones without knives attached, and turned them on. "I told you it was a bad idea!"
Clint groaned. "I didn't know it was cocaine, okay!? I thought Thor was just going to drop off something and stay to help. I didn't think he was just going to be like 'here, have cocaine, bye!'"
Sam got on his phone and sent a text to someone. "Why did he even bring two large crates of cocaine anyway?"
As Steve began to carry some blocks to the kitchen, he answered. "All he said was that he'd be back for it soon and to leave it in the kitchen." He paused. "That was three hours ago."
Nat began to use the hand vacuum on the couches. "Okay, but why did you have to drag Bruce and me into this mess? Clint, why did you even kidnap the kids?"
The archer let out another pained groan as he stacked cocaine onto his arms. "I didn't know it was cocaine, Nat!"
"I asked Barnes how we can get rid of cocaine and he said to put some coke bottles and send it to him," Sam said. His hands currently trying to get the cocaine out of his hair. "I can't tell if he's playing or not"
Steve came back for another round of cocaine stacking. "He's not." The team stared at him. "What? The Cola now taste different from it did back then."
"Steve..." Bruce began. "You did cocaine?"
Steve snorted. "No... Well, not really. Coke already contained the drug and we didn't know what it did."
"Excuse the interruption," F.R.I.D.A.Y. spoke calmly. "Boss has told me to remind you, 'If there's any cocaine left in the damn building, you'll wish Ultron took over in a heartbeat.'"
The silence took over the room once more.
Clint shifted from foot to foot. "You think Thor knows how to answer a phone call?"
Steve looked uneasy before he answered. "I don't know but I think I have some coke bottles on my floor and Buck's. I'm going to go get them."
"Fuck Thor." That was the only comment Sam said before he tried to google how to get cocaine out of the walls.
Norway, Frigason Residence
"Thor you can not leave those blocks with the Avengers." Loki's voice was filled with irritation.
The Thunder God tilted his head confused. "Why, brother?"
Loki let out an exasperated breath, what did he do to have an idiot brother?
"Thor, I spent 30 gold coins on that setting powder. The Japanese don't play around when it comes to make-up Thor." Loki shook his head, pouring tea for himself. "I simply moved it here while I waited for the rest to arrive."
Thor's sweet Labrador face dawned with understanding. "Oh, I'll go retrieve it in the morning. I thought you were to go to the Egyptians for your makeup?"
"I was," The trickster said. "But they were in the middle of creating the eyeliner and I really wanted the gold one so I will have to go back next week."
Thor nodded. "I think I'll go with you. It's been a few centuries since I've seen Hathor. I hope she's been well."
Loki sipped from his tea. "She's fine from what I've seen. Tired, perhaps, from living in the temples but otherwise fine. You're sure those friends of yours will be careful with my setting powder?"
"It's in the best of hands."
"Alright then. Now tell me about that demon dog you met."
"Brother, you wouldn't believe it." Thor began his retelling of the fearsome chihuahua. "It reminded me of our Lady Sif when she lost her favourite sword."
Both gods shivered at the memory.