The past few weeks have been long, hard, exhausting, painful and lonely but it's finally over. We're currently packing up Indie's room. Taking down her photos and putting away all her personal things.
We were waiting on the doctor to get back to us about her scans. She had them done yesterday and we're hoping the tumour has shrunk enough for them to operate in a few weeks. Her little pain episodes have reduced massively, partly because of the medications she's been on but also because there's less pressure on her brain now. She's not had a seizure in three weeks. Which is promising. "Can you take this down to the car please?" I asked Ian. He stayed with us for the last week as he finished filming.
I want to say it's been amazing having him here but honestly, I've felt more overwhelmed when he's here than when he's not. We were kind of arguing before he came to stay and I was hoping that him being here and we being able to spend time together would be better. But we're on two different wavelengths at the moment. "Yeah of course." He took the cases down to the car.
"Indie, can I have a smile?" I asked my baby, before pulling a silly face she giggled and then I played peek-a-boo with her until the doctor and Ian came in. "So?" I asked. He broke out into a smile. "It's shrunk enough for us to go in. It looks to be clean edges." I couldn't stop smiling. "Baby. It's good news." I tell Indie. "We get to take you home today." She's spent 2 months in this room. We took her on a few walks around the hospital to get her some sunlight and so she didn't feel trapped.
Our family visited a lot. Chase is currently staying at our place taking care of the animals which I was so thankful for. I didn't need the stress of that as well whilst I was in here. He's been there for about 3 weeks. He flew out with Kalani and Logan and then decided to stay. He visited most days. It was nice to have him around and spend time with him again. Also having interaction with someone that's not 6 months old was fun too. I forget that my baby voice isn't my actual voice sometimes.
It's been nice staying at the hospital, the nurse would stay in the room sometimes so I could get some sleep. She said she noticed how I just seemed to always be awake whenever she came to check on me. I admitted to being too scared to sleep in case anything was to happen to her so she said she'd watch her for a few hours after her shift had ended so she didn't have to leave the room. It was really kind of her to do and I welcomed the help. When Ian would come and visit I'd stay awake because I would want to spend time with him too. He is my husband. Despite him being really distant when he would be here, so I didn't sleep when he would be here with her.
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"Look who it is!" I say to Indie as we walked into the lounge. "Uncle Chase," I say getting her excited and she started babbling away and we all pretended to know what she meant. "So good news then?" He asked and I nodded still smiling from earlier. "Amazing news," Ian says, Chase took Indie. "You're such a strong little girl," Chase says sitting her on his lap. "You're gonna knock it out, baby," Chase says moving Indie's arm to punch the air. "Be careful with her." I scolded him. She was still a little sore from the chemo and I didn't want him to hurt her.
"How's my boy been?" I asked Naz kneeling on the floor in front of him. I stroke him softly before kissing his head. Ian pats him too. "You're a good boy," I tell him. He's just so chill. "How are the others?" Ian asked. "Horses been for a ride. And the other dogs are in the garden." I nodded. "And Nina is in the kitchen." I frowned. "What?" Ian questioned. So we went into the kitchen to see all our close friends and their families. "We've just missed this cute one too much," Kat said touching Indie's hand. "We're not staying long we just wanted to drop by." "Thanks, guys," I tell them. "Well, you both have been there for us through all our hardships so we wanted to be here for you," Candice explained. "Thank you, guys," Ian says.
"How is she?" "She's amazing!" I say beaming with happiness. "We have a date for the operation," Ian announces. "And then we get to have our baby home forever." I smiled at him, it's crazy how many years have gone by and I'm still madly in love with him. I get butterflies and I can't stop smiling when I look at him. I think seeing him with indie has only made me love him more if that was possible, he's an amazing dad.
"So Pizza?" I asked the room. "We don't have to stay you should settle in," Bee says. "I had a baby to speak to for 2 months I'd love some adult interaction," I say with a smile. Yes, I was tired but I missed my family.
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We were waiting in the waiting room. They just took Indie for her operation. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I've already bitten off all my nails and Ian's asked me to stop bouncing my leg three times already. "She'll be fine." "It's her brain, Ian." "And she's our daughter... She's a fighter." Sometimes fighters get tired. There's a big risk in doing this operation. She's 8 months old. Her body isn't as strong as an adult or an older child and brain surgery on them doesn't always go perfect. And it's my daughter. I would be crazy if I wasn't nervous.
"Will you just stop." Ian snapped at me. I looked at him shocked. "I'm sorry." I apologised tucking my hair behind my ear and sitting on my hands to stop tapping against the arm of the chair. Ian and I have gotten to this place. I'm not happy. We barely talk. We only spend time together when we're out with Indie. Or at the doctors with Indie. He's staying out at friends houses. And honestly, I think he hates me. It seems it anyway. He's not the man I married at the moment, I guess it's just stressed, we've never both been overwhelmed at once, one of us is always grounded. Like when we were at his parent's house, I was strong for him. When I lost my mum he was strong for me. Our relationship is really being put to the test right now and we're cracking under the pressure. I just wanted him to hold me like he used to. But he's repulsed by me, it's very rare we even sleep in the same bed these days.
Minutes went by like hours as we waited for our sweet girl to be brought out. Nerves were eating me alive. "Hey I brought you guys dinner," Nina said when I looked up at her she had a frown on her face. Ian and I were sat on opposite sides of the room. "Thanks." I force a smile. "Are you two okay?" She asked handing Ian a contain of food and coming over to me. "Yeah, we're fine," I say after Ian made no attempt to speak. "Here." I take the food from her and open it up the smell made me feel sick. I didn't have the stomach to eat anything right now. I closed it and put it on the seat beside me. "You should eat, you're wasting away." I chuckled thinking she was joking but concerned filled her eyes. "Bella, I'm serious." "I'll eat when I know she's okay." "Ian, has she been eating?" Nina turned to him. What would Ian know? He eats without me every day and he's never home.
I never thought I'd feel like I'm losing my husband but I can feel him pulling away from me day by day. "Yeah I assume, she's a human she has to eat." He said completely unbothered. "You assume?" She asked pissed. "Bella eat now." "Nina, just stop okay." I walk away into the toilet to pull myself together. Not only was my husband slipping away but I could feel myself slipping away too. I was hanging on for my life for Indie and her alone, if she wasn't here I would have checked out long ago.
I look myself in the eyes through the mirror. "Hold it together." I take a deep breath, though it came out shakey as a wave of tears washed over me. I look away from myself I looked so weak and exhausted. I look like I'm 20 years older than I am.
Ian came in the bathroom as my knees buckled, his arms were there to catch me so I didn't hit the fall, he actually held me, he hasn't comforted me since Indie got sick. I sobbed into his chest clutching onto him with a death grip. We were sat on the floor of the hospital bathroom. "Please don't leave me," I begged him. "I'm not leaving you."
IAN'S POV
Guilt erupted inside of me as I hear her broken words through her sobs. I have pushed her away so much I didn't realise how much she was breaking. I hold her close in an attempt to keep all her pieces together. "Indie's going to be fine... She's like you." I tell her trying to comfort her I was nervous about Indie I knew she would be too.
I noticed the way my arms wrapped around her, she was fading away and I hadn't noticed, all this time we were so focused on tending to Indie's every need and our worlds were so focused on her I completely forgot to check in with my wife. Was she eating? Was she sleeping? Did she have time to do something for herself? Was she taking care of herself? Was I taking care of her? I could answer the last one, I knew I had been neglecting her. It was hard with Indie being in the hospital a lot and then she wasn't at home and I was filming for this tv show. I didn't notice she was wasting away physically and mentally. "Baby you need to eat something." She was inconsolable, "baby please just breathe." I pulled away from her slightly and used one hand to cup her face to look at me. Her beautiful eyes were glazed over with tears. "Breathe." I take a deep breath with her the way she had with me many times before now. It's normally me getting into states like this. "It's okay. She's going to be okay." I assured her. "You don't know that." She quivered out. I couldn't argue with that. I didn't know that. I just knew I needed to believe that she would be okay for my own peace of mind. "I'm sorry I've not been here for you." Another wave of guilt hit me. She looked so small, so fragile. She was smaller than she was when she was training for VS FS. I should have been there for her. I should have noticed. I shouldn't have been so self-involved and opened my eyes and helped my wife. I knew she had been asking for my help. I would tell her I was busy which was a lie I was just with an old friend of mine. I shouldn't have been I should have been with my wife and daughter. Two of the strongest people in the world I shouldn't have turned my back on her because I got overwhelmed because she never did that to me.
Even when she was struggling with comprehending what was happening to our precious little girl she comforted me. Stayed up with me listened to me. And I couldn't do that for her. Not once. I'm meant to be the one to help her.
She stopped crying after a few minutes and the. I helped clean her up before getting her to stand. I lead her back to the main room. Nina was still there and so was a nurse. Both having pitiful looks on their faces as they saw Isabella. "Can I get you guys anything?" The nurse asked. "We're good thank you," I say. "Do you have an update on Indiana?" Isabella asked. "It's going to be a few more hours... You should try and get some rest." He encouraged her. Clearly seeing how tired she looked. It was early in the morning. "She was meant to be out two hours ago." She says. "Sometimes it takes a little longer." He tried to say without alarming us but that's all it did. "Has something happened?" I asked. "I'll have the surgeon come to speak to you as soon as they're done." He said before leaving.
"Bella, it's going to be okay baby," Nina says wrapping her in a hug. Was there something wrong with my baby?