"Do you really wanted me to stay?"
I hadn't expected that question in the middle of the night when the whole pack was sleeping. He was awake.
I wasn't that deep in sleep. But I was tired from the walk. The soothing company of the nature, the light conversations had satisfied me enough to feel content for the day.
The candle light dinner was cherry on the cake. Under the orange hue, we looked in each other's eyes and tried to fill the gap that the past days had created.
But now when we were on the bed, with my back facing his chest, when I couldn't see in the dark what emotion was surfacing on his face--he was having doubts.
"Did you not want to?" I sounded hoarse.
"Why would I not want to?" He whispered in my ear, snaking his arm more on to wrap around my waist from under the furs.
The faint wind caressed my warm cheeks. The burning twigs in the fireplace were creating a light background music.
I couldn't understand what was going on in his mind. But I knew that as much as his memories had affected my mind, he too was lost in mine.
"On the bonfire night when your sisters were dancing," he murmured slowly. My eyes opened in the dark and I knew where he was going with this. I wasn't ready for the mortification. "You were disgusted to be seen with me."
He was neither complaining, nor mocking me. He was being honest about his doubts.
It wasn't like he was getting conscious or insecure about it. Those words were not in Lycans' vocabulary.
Diving into his memories, I now knew how his thought process was. This was why, he took his time in changing into the night clothes that I had picked out for him. He was hesitant to even begin his non-vegetarian dish in front of me.
He knew about all the moments of where I had felt the discomfort. The suffocation.
I couldn't deny. I couldn't accept it too so easily. That would make me heartless.
I cared about making him realise that it wasn't his personality or him being a Lycan that I resisted him. It was always the beginning. The crossing of border and never being able to get back. It was always the sacrifice I was made to do to be here. It was the cost-benefit ratio.
"In front of your little brother, you fought your feeling of leaving me behind hard." He sounded as curious as he used to be in his memories.
His words made me feel terrible about myself.
I was awakened from the sleep and now staring into the dark.
After a normal well spent day, he had these kinds of doubt in his mind. While I calm, he was doubtful.
What of a disappointing mate I was to him. His father would have surely hated me more than anyone.
In another world, after holding his mark, being defeated like this by the border-I would have enjoyed his dilemma. I would have felt successful at making him realise that he could disgust me.
But I was full of guilt.
"There's no part of you that makes me feel disgusted, Karam." The words escaped from my mouth, remembering the night. The sudden appearance of my sisters had slapped me with reality. I was motivated to think of past life. Those thoughts were superior to the comfort I felt in his arms that evening. "I am glad, it's you for me and none of the other males."
My words assured him.
His arms wrapped around me tightly and he slowly relaxed, breathing on to my shoulder.
The silence settled.
The curtains around the bed were swaying slightly.
I suddenly missed the tick-tick of the wall clock of my old room. But this was nice too. There was no need to worry about the time now.
An eternity was waiting for me. Of imprisonment. Of being caged. Of being stuck. Stagnant.
At least, I wasn't alone tonight. The room felt more homely with his presence.
This was the proof that upcoming years won't be that bad to live throughout. I was sulking for no reason.
The delusions now felt safer than the sharp conscience. For once, I could think from my heart than the mind.
I could do nothing about the loss of eligibility to cross the border. The only best thing to do was to find the good in the situation.
The only good thing now was melting into his sweet embrace.
"When I marked you, I was furious. I was burning in rage and humiliation. There was this unquenchable thirst of claiming you in front of everyone. I couldn't wait. I couldn't hold back," he whispered quietly in his deep voice.
I breathed while feeling my stomach curling a little. The glimpses would always shake my heart. The fear would always crawl back to the surface. The rain would always remind me of my fate.
"The moment, my teeth pierced into my mate's neck, everything disappeared."
My lips parted.
His deep voice turned lazy by every second. I kept listening quietly.
"I was thrown into a world full of unique moments," he mumbled softly. "Lined up one by one in neat rows. As if I was walking on a plain hard path with lush colorful trees on either side."
I breathed into his earthy scent. The imagination kept forming in the dark.
"The sky was so bright and blue. The birds were flying far away. I could hear different voices calling out your name cheerfully," his words flowed smoothly. "The whole of my anger vanished. The wrath was gone. I felt calm. So hopeful. So brightened by everything. I had started to feel sane."
He was as much fascinated about this as I was. The mark. The memory.
"There were mostly strangers. Tons of jokes. Indirect wisdom. I didn't know one could live like this," he whispered and the words had started to get muffled as his mouth was against my shoulder. "I saw how pleasant it was to grow up with no expectations and no responsibilities. No siblings to catch up with. No parents to pull you back from the unknown. I will be grateful to grandmother for raising you like that. She never let you feel that your world was little. And it wasn't."
I blinked. The sudden new perspective penetrated the corner of regrets.
I wanted to smile.
"Ambitious from the begining. Finding the good in others. As you grow up, you observe the difference. What others had, you hadn't."
I expected him to not take my memories seriously. There were no adventures until two months ago. No hunting. No preying. No shifting into an extraordinary creature.
My world was simple.
But he sounded serious. I felt respected. I felt valued. Even when he wouldn't have find any conversation about him in any of the memories until I came here.
"I kept walking on the concrete path, able to curl my fists to collect the courage. Slowly, your family members appeared. Your mother. Your sisters. Some faces I couldn't recognise," he told me. "You found meaning in the moments the way others wouldn't. I didn't know you love seeing the tree out of your window so much. That you now miss waking up to see it."
I smiled slowly.
The darkness was starting to fade away. I was getting used to seeing the outlines of the cupboard.
He chuckled sadly.
"I knew your world was different. But the emotions were familiar," he mumbled. "You longed for a family just like I longed for you."
I took a long breath.
"Growing up and seeing my parents was less worrisome when I had King, Robin and twins to watch over me. But you suffered that fear alone. You took care of your grandmother alone," he whispered softly.
I curled my legs up and felt my heart squeezing as I started missing the old woman.
"I experienced the ambitiousness in your heart. I tell you, it is no less than the wolves or Lycans, my dear mate."
I blinked, feeling my throat shaking slightly.
"I know how your heartbeats paced when you met different people. I saw myself," he said in between. "I couldn't believe that I was there. I was holding Keev in my arms. I didn't know you even pay a thought to us."
He was being dramatic or was really touched.
Of course, they were my people now.
"I saw Valeria's brother too. I saw your little brother when I neared the end. Grandmother was there too. The memories made me want to meet them."
I blinked in curiosity.
"The memories were so neat, detailed-I know how you overthink. You cherish the memories you make. Unlike my mind, there was no mess. No randomness. There was flow. There were priorities. So, it was easy to conclude what you want from this life. I saw the purpose and I wasn't surprised," he whispered quietly.
I lowered my eyes in the dark.
I didn't know myself. Maybe, I knew but there were so many things I wanted at once. But which one was the most important? I didn't know.
Was it breaking the border? A degree? Riches? Him? Gran?
"It makes me wonder, even if one day you fall for me, give me pups, love my family like I do-will it all be to impress your father?" He whispered, making me confused. "Because that's what you long for the most. His appreciation."
What father? My father was dead.
"Your mother visited you through the years. You already had your grandmother. Your friends never let you feel the need of brother or sister. But the lack of a father figure affected you deeply," he explained slowly. "You seek such relationship more than you seek the love from a mate."
The tear left my right eye and slid off to the left one from over the bridge of the nose.
"I understand," he whispered while breathing deeply. "Your heart is yet to believe the truth. The feelings don't change within a few days. You still take him as your father, the one you wanted praises from. Your heart doesn't consider him as a stranger or a murderer. You don't hate him really. The irony. You irked him the most in your memories."
Another tear slipped. My lips trembled as I gulped the lump forming in my throat.
"The path I walked on with your enthusiastic spirit ended in front of him, my mate."
I knew it all along. I just didn't know it mattered so much to me.
I was glad that Karam could understand me the way others couldn't.
"I feel envy of the people you value so much," he whispered softly.
I wanted to tell him that he was one of them. But there was more for him to say. So I kept quiet.
"This significant memory where heart swelled the most in happiness. You were told that you remind her of your dead Uncle. That sense of belonging was present in your heart. It made you smile," he narrated while I was still recalling who told me so.
Oh wait. Aunt Ilona had said that to me kindly.
"I want you to know that when we feel like we belong to no one or nowhere, maybe there's a world that you will create for yourself. That world will belong to you," he whispered, making the tears stop. "The people in that world will belong to you."
My mind stopped and so did the heart.
Only his voice echoed in my ears beating the drums.
"You were not a part of that tree. Maybe, because you are the root. You'll rise tall. Branches will grow out from you. Fruits. Flowers. Leaves. Your legacy will be taken ahead. You resemble no one. Because new pups will resemble you and remind others of you with their similar Morales."
I pressed my lips tight and felt the goosebumps rising on my arms.
"This fear of your heart, that after your grandmother would leave this world and you will still not belong to Alpha Gilbert's family by birth. I want it vanished. It's meaningless. Maybe, there are some thoughts in his mind that stops him from accepting you. Not everyone can be as thoughtful and forgiving as you, my mate. I am grateful."
I wiped my tears and closed my eyes.
His words had made their impact. He was right.
I felt empowered. I felt like I hadn't lost or skipped that fatherly love in my life. I just maybe didn't need it really.
And maybe, there was supposed to be only one important man in my life. My mate.
"Even if the doubt still escalates, know that you belong to me anyway."
The amusement in his tone was audible. I couldn't help but feel better immediately.
He loosened his hold when I shifted and turned around to face him. I hugged his torso and stared at somewhere in the dark.
"Thank you, Karam. You freed me from my self-made emotional trap."
He left a kiss on my forehead and mumbled, "Sleep, my mate. I wish to keep making you feel free in this world you think you will be caged in. Good night."
I closed my eyes and felt his arm wrapping around me.
"Good night," I whispered back before giving in to the sleep.
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"Misty!"
Chelsea burst out into tears at my sudden visit.
She was already done with the laundry and packing her things to leave for home.
With a tiffin full of mutton for her that Nysa had offered for me take for whoever I was going to meet, I showed up.
"The whole night! I thought you'd be dead," she cried while hugging me tight. "The rumours spread all around. I was glad that you would be out. But then someone yelled, that the bride is in heat. Then, we heard the growls. So much happened. I couldn't imagine what you went through. Everyone heard your screams. Everyone did."
I patted her back while letting out a sigh. "I am fine," I spoke slowly. "All the wrath of the incident came out on me in the form of the mark. But now, everything is fine. No one is upset with me."
She pulled away and looked up at me with her sweet brown eyes full of tears. "My. . . My. . . You are fortunate to have such saint of a mate like him. I doubt any other male would have left you virgin even after such close escape call, " she whispered in shock.
A chill ran down my spine at her words.
I silently muttered a prayer to the God in gratitude. I was not going to take Karam's kindness towards me for granted again.
"Come," she said while gesturing me to walk towards the mat she had spread to rest on till her clothes would dry. But she was already trying to fold it up as she had completed her tasks.
We rolled it back open and sat down.
The silent afternoon was bright on the lake with the harsh sunlight. While under the trees, we were feeling faint gusts of wind blowing our hair.
I was secretly thankful to catch no mark of abuse on her body. Only after she opened the tiffin and gasped in delight, I realised how much her friendship meant to me.
Of all the people, she was the only one who had rooted for me to cross the border.
"How have you been?" I asked softly at seeing her nodding at the spicy taste.
She smiled tightly at me while chewing. "Things are good," she said and took another bite. "Gorudo has been so distracted with his patrolling duties around the border. He has no time left to come home and focus on me. I give him cooked food and he sleeps away."
"Isn't that great to hear?" I mumbled, while looking at the lake. The waterfall far away was creating the noise. Under it, the rainbow was forming over the foamy water.
"It is," she whispered while smiling to himself. "Two days ago," she said while looking up at me. "He told me that I was a good mate. Because I never tried to run away."
I stayed silent.
She shook her head. "If only I could spit the facts on his face, he would have had nosebleeds," she muttered immediately.
We both ended up cracking loud.
She shrugged her shoulders and continued eating while I calmed my laughter.
Slowly, the smile faded off her face.
My heart got nervous as she looked up at me and gave the dead eye.
"What about now?"
I opened my mouth to speak.
She looked around and sniffed hard. Having no one closer to us, she leaned in and whispered, "Your brother's growls had reached the mountains. The pack knows they had beaten Anton for not respecting Alvena. Your sister stole Robin's breeches. This much could only happen if the Lycans were silently helpless about something. It's you. The giver of the heir. The stories circulates fast."
I gulped while she pointed the finger dipped in the gravy at me. "You saw your mate's memories. What did you find useful?"
I was stunned. Uncomfortable.
It felt like I was sitting in front of the teacher who was asking for homework.
How could I tell her that I didn't want to study anymore?
She saw the look I was giving her. The helpless, ignorant one.
I probably looked like a loser. But I couldn't care more.
It was hard to collect the same enthusiasm and think of those same goals.
I couldn't cross the border anymore. And to hurt Karam and lose his trust again to save new brides-I didn't know if it was worth it.
I did tell Thomas to stop the tradition. But would he pass on the word with the same intensity?
"Does he know anything?" She whispered at me, still waiting for the answer.
Everything I saw in my mate's memories, was precious to me. It felt weird to use his personal stuff as some investigation.
"Nothing about Severa?" She asked while I took a breath.
My eyes lowered. "Not really. He was hurt after his sister's death. He looked for the old stories. But nothing was helpful. He was distracted by Keev's birth and then, I came too."
Chelsea twitched her lips and licked her fingers. Going for another piece, she shook her head. "In the colony, they all are talking about how the Lycan Alpha held back. They didn't attack your family the way they are capable of. They let them go. To keep you sane. To get that heir from you."
I nodded at her blankly. "I know, Chelsea. I know."
She looked at me and observed for longer. "How was the way to the border? How much close did you get?"
I gave her the dead look. "It wasn't ending easily. More hours and hours. The path is absolutely dangerous. One time, there will be terrifying jungles full of uncut branches blocking the ways. One time, these big grounds would appear so the patrollers could catch you easily. Like an enchanted puzzle. On the west side, the graveyards are not just grounds with tomb. Thomas could see spirits. The air was heavy."
She kept listening while looking at the lake. I could see the thrill in her eyes.
"Only four hours were left when they caught up to us."
Her eyebrows narrowed as she immediately looked at me. "You are at fault, Misty. You screamed."
The time had stopped for me. The air around us too had stopped moving.
What did she just say?
"How do you know such detail?" I wondered.
She gave me the obvious look. "Goru. He was in the team. They know the things happening around. Your mate was in front of him, running around and sniffing the scents in the rain. It was all difficult. Until you screamed out loud. He knew about your exact location, then and there."
I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands in shock.
That night. . .
Why did I scream?
Misty. . .
"She called out my name," I whispered in disbelief. "Oh my God!"
Chelsea was nodding slowly when I looked at her. "Severa?" She asked immediately. "I was coming here only, today. Some females who live behind the Beta's house. They were discussing it. That Severa would always protect her blood. Or maybe, she really was on your side. You visited her temple, offered her fruit."
I shuddered visibly when she patted my thigh with her clean hand.
"We all howl to the Moon. Severa made you scream to save you from turning into ashes," she said that to make me feel better. Because I had started to feel like a fool all of a sudden. "We need to look at both the sides."
I was so shaken by her observation. I couldn't speak.
My family worked hard to keep the plan working. I ruined it all by screaming on the top of my lungs.
"But what about now, Misty? The Blood Moon is still months away. We have enough time to collect possible clues," she said while getting up to go near the water.
I was left wondering about how I was defeated before I could even leave the pack. The rain wasn't helping us from hiding the scent. The rain helped the Lycans.
My family couldn't sniff the heat in my scent.
It further broke my spirit.
How could I now be courageous when I couldn't beat the prayers of Lycans?
I could only count my blessings in relief that Karam was understanding my need for more time. He was taking it slow and not forcing this bond on me the way other males could.
Chelsea returned while waving her arm with force to dry off the wet tiffin. She left it open to drain the drops more and looked at me with the same enthusiasm.
"There's one more information I got from my neighbour," she told me. "One of the Severans clawed your sister. And she was your brother's mate. The Luna of Southern Pack. Rucussa."
I blinked, staring into the dried muddy floor of the forest.
Her words were continuously lowering my comfort. I felt ashamed of myself.
I realised that I didn't want to be in this spy mode anymore.
The last night went so well. If Karam found out I was planning something again, he won't be threatened. But he would surely be disgusted.
I couldn't see him disappointed anymore.
The words he had said last night started to revolve in my mind. While Chelsea's voice was lurking in the background.
I couldn't focus. I was suffering a headache.
"I have heard that she is in heat. Whoever is this Severan is now being watched over and has been sent to the southern side of the pack. In the old caves. The land is uninhabited there. So her pain won't be audible in the village. She definitely tried to reach her mate. Moreover, her heat could be the most painful ever. Because we still have our mates on the same territory. But she had no hope if she could ever meet him again. It could even kill her-"
The pain occurred beneath my eyebrows. I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Chelsea, stop." I said out loud for her to stop.
She did and was now giving me a dead eye. She tilted her head and sucked in her cheeks.
All of a sudden, I was getting these bitchy vibes from her.
Her warm friendly gaze had turned into complete judgemental one.
"Why? You don't want to hear my strategies?" She asked immediately, in a whisper. Her brown eyes narrowed as she leaned closer to me to look me in the eye. "What is it? A change of heart? Did his memories melt you? Or is it love already? Or after the heat, you can't wait for his cock-"
I gasped loudly and straightened myself at her rudeness. "Watch your tone," I told her.
She was still giving me that judgemental look. I couldn't handle it.
I was getting crushed.
"What tone?" She whispered back immediately. "The one that says, you are so lucky to have been mated into the Alpha family. Look at you, breathing fine with no mark. Because they value your existence. They didn't torture you. Because they value your sanity too. All because you got a kind mate."
"I need time," I told her in defense. "I just got out of the bed after the mark. I am a human, remember? And where should I even begin? Did we get anything out of these spying sessions? If anything strategic even happened, it was only my family coming back to escape me. Not because we planned something here."
She looked hurt. But she still didn't lose her guard. "You stayed virgin because I alerted you too. Your stupidity brought you your heat and you failed in crossing the border. If you had been passionate enough in this spying thing, you would have already been safe out with your grandmother. Look at you, all glowing in the fine dress. What's stopping from continuing already, Misty?"
"Give me a break," I whisperyelled at her in frustration. The corner of my lips had lifted in annoyance.
"The full moon will be here again before you could even realise," she said while gritting her teeth. "Before you end up giving yourself to your mate, visit the temple and talk to Lucine. Moreover, the northern side still lies untouched. There's so much to find out even now. We haven't even really begin."
"I can't match your energy so sudden already, Chelsea." I told her truthfully. "I have had nightmares since the mark. There's so much to grasp. I can't just make up my mind to pretend and do the same manipulation thing. Karam can read me now. He understands how I think. I can't act anymore."
Chelsea shook her head. "You saw the memories. You know how he thinks too. You will be now better at being careful. The odds are on our side only, Misty. You don't realise the wonder your brother did by entering the territory. Your mate has taken the child back to the temple. You could use the privacy and time to at least find out more about the border."
I sighed heavily and covered my forehead.
She stopped with her desperate rant.
I took the moment to breathe. But she began again.
"Or just say the word that you are another Valeria. Nysa. Alvena. Savina. Another useless bride who gave in to the cruel fate," she said while I raised my head in sudden anger.
My jaws clenched as I saw the disappointment in her eyes.
"I won't bother your anymore," she whispered while shrugging the shoulders. "You have a mate worth sacrificing everything for. I won't blame you."
I didn't want to be looked at the way she was looking at me now.
With such sad smirk on her face as if she knew that this would eventually happen. Because she was the rare one out. The rest of the brides turned out to be the same.
She was looking at me as if I was a loser.
I bit my lip and let out a harsh breath. My arms felt weak as I turned nervous all of a sudden.
I was trying to appreciate my mate. I was being careful and needed time to before I could take impulsive decisions to damage it all more.
"If your answer is yes, then you shouldn't come here anymore." She said while packing my tiffin and not looking at me.
"Your mate abuses you," I reminded her in a whisper. "It scares me. If I get caught again, my mate might do more than piercing my neck with his teeth. For how long could I believe in his kindness? He is a Lycan with the Alpha blood. He could be equally abusive towards me. Even if he won't, my survival here would be full of getting hatred from his family. All for what? For the new brides who will be trained to suffer the same."
Her nostrils flared as she looked at the lake with tears forming in her eyes.
"I told Thomas that they didn't have to send more brides. I highlighted it enough for him to remember passing this message to the packs outside. If he won't, then I did my part. I can't put my life on risk again and again. This supernatural world. I try to understand it. Respect it. But it's taking a toll on my sanity for now. I can't bear it anymore, Chelsea. I need some peace. Some comfort. My mate is providing it and I can't be ashamed in saying, I am so tempted to leave this spy work."
The tear slid down on her cheeks and she wiped them immediately.
"You told me that you won't judge me," I reminded her desperately.
She nodded while closing her eyes. "But we can't be friends anymore. You are going to provide heir to the pack I am struggling to survive in. While I find clues to break the border, you give happiness to the people who enjoy all of us being caged as much as they are. It's cruel. They don't care about evolution. About telling their boys to adjust for us. You got one good mate and so, you are backing out. It's unfair. But that's okay," she choked out. "So, yeah. Leave already."
"Chelsea," I whispered out in sadness. "We both are stuck here. There will be so many years to go by. I want us to be there for each other as buddies-"
She gave me the dead eye. "We were only comrades. I can't be friends with the people who choose to abandon their ambitions and dreams for short-term comforts. For you, it could be years. But for me, I would keep putting my life at risk to help the packs outside. No pack should see its Alpha dying because of never being able to be with his Luna. The border will break one day and I will be happy to witness it happening even with the least contribution on my name."
My heart twisted in shame and hurt.
She had stopped speaking.
I picked up the tiffin, took a last look of her teary brown eyes full of determination and left the place.
______
"What do you think?"
Please vote and comment.
____
I can't believe I finally updated the book.
And I apologise for being so irregular.
The writer's block is a real thing. It's not just getting blank about what to write. It could also be having so many ideas and not being able to chose which version or piece to write. How to write.
Ah! I had gotten out of habit after giving a whole month to my life outside Wattpad. After which, I had to real all of my diaries and notes to get back on the writing mode.
Everyday I was sad about not updating on time. It is one hobby of mine that I really care about maintaining. But some things were too important for me to ignore them. I am just glad I could update as soon as I could in this month.
I wrote different versions of this chapter in December. Like twenty of them. But everytime, it was not satisfying enough. I wanted to update on new year. But even then, I was not positive about the chapter.
Finally I did tonight. I can't describe how grateful I am for each one of you who waited patiently, who knew that I wouldn't do this if not for something very important. I got very sweet messages in my inbox. Forgive me keeping you waiting. I hope this never happens again. Thank you so much for not leaving my world. I love you all.
I will update on time. I have planned it, probably in a week.
Happy New Year.
Hope, we all get to make our dreams come true soon.
Let me know your resolutions, I want to add to my list.
Love,
Nikki <3