It had been four days and Raephier had never felt so conflicted. The past four days on Jacob's ship had been both a dream and a nightmare all rolled into one. Being able to socialise with the crew and even help out doing small jobs on the ship, made Raephier feel things he didn't think he would ever feel again. He felt part of something. Like he belonged.
And he had friends!! Actual friends! James and Gabriel would actively search him out, especially at meal times, and would choose to sit next to him! Raephier could see that it would sometimes annoy Jacob when there wasn't a free seat next to him, but the thought of Jacob being jealous for some reason made his whole body feel warm and tingly.
So in just four days Raephier felt like everything in his life had turned itself upside down. He no longer hated the day time. In fact he loved it. But instead he dreaded the night time. Or maybe not the night time, but the evening, when he and Jacob would make their way back to his cabin. Because all of a sudden things had become really awkward between them.
Raephier blamed himself of course, because he was so worried about Jacob asking him about being a Siren, that he found himself becoming all tense in his presence and trying to deflect the conversation to other things, and then announcing that he was tired any time he thought Jacob might bring it up.
And then Raephier would spend the night cursing himself for being so selfish. Because Jacob needed to know that he wasn't going to be of any use. Because if he was relying on him, then Jacob would be unprepared to defend the ship in an attack and things could turn really bad.
It was that thought, the thought of James and Gabriel and Jacob being put in greater danger because of him that made him determined that he needed to speak to Jacob tonight. He'd been a coward for long enough, and he needed to tell Jaocb the truth.
The thought of doing that terrified Raephier. What if Jacob got angry? What if he threw him off the ship? What if he hated him?
When Raephier was being logical with his thoughts, he realised that none of the above were likely. Jacob wasn't a cruel man, and from what he'd seen, he didn't seem to lose his temper often either. But unfortunately the more likely reaction was even worse.
Everytime Raephier closed his eyes he could picture the disappointed look on Jacob's face when he learned the truth, followed by the look of fear and despair when he realised he would most likely not make it home to help his family. And Raephier couldn't bear the thought that it was him who would make Jacob look like that. Anger he could handle. He'd learnt how to deal with that. But letting down someone he cared about? That was a much worse kind of pain than any inflicted on Raephier before.
That evening, Raephier retired back to the cabin earlier than normal in order to give him some time to work out how to approach the subject with Jacob.
He paced up and down nervously, telling himself over and over that this was for the best, and that he had to do it for the sake of his new friends.
What he didn't expect was that just a few minutes later, Jacob entered, obviously also deciding to head to bed early today.
Raephier just stood still, staring at Jacob with his mouth open, wondering what on earth he should say.
But Jacob beat him to it.
"I noticed you came in here early tonight, and I hope you're not too tired because I think we really need to talk."
Raephier felt his legs begin to shake, so he slowly backed up until he felt the bed behind him, helping steady him.
"We can talk if you want," he said, trying to be brave.
Jacob started to pace up and down, just like Raephier had been doing a moment ago. Why was Jacob nervous? Did he know that...
"I'm not going to ask you to use your powers," Jacob said, making Raephier's jaw drop.
"W-What?" Raephier asked, not quite sure he was understanding correctly.
Jacob stopped pacing and turned to face Raephier.
"I know Raephier. I know that you've never killed anyone before, that you've never used your powers, so I'm not about to ask you to change that for me."
Raephier slowly lowered himself till he was sat on the bed, his mind racing.
"You know?" he repeated, not quite able to break down what Jacob had said.
"Yes," Jacob said gently, coming to sit next to Raephier on the bed. "I know you're not a killer. That's why I've stopped taking the Muntle seaweed."
Raephier couldn't help the small laugh that came out. "The Muntle seaweed doesn't work anyway. That's just something that Fingers made up to make extra money."
"What?!" Jacob said, standing up again.
Raephier just shrugged apologetically.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jacob asked.
"I did. I told you that you didn't need to take it, and you replied that it was your decision to make."
Jacob initially looked shocked at Reaphiers response, but then nodded slowly.
"Yes, you're right. And even if you had continued to tell me, I wouldn't have trusted you enough to know whether what you were telling me was true."
Jacob sat back down and stared down at his hands that were sitting on his lap.
"Don't feel bad about it," Raephier said, hating to see Jacob looking sad about anything. "You were right not to trust me. You didn't know me then."
Jacob turned to Raephier with a sense of urgency.
"But I trust you now. You know that, right?"
Raephier couldn't help the small giggle that escaped.
"Of course I know that. You let me wander freely round your ship."
Jacob gave Raephier a small smile before going back to staring at his hands.
Jacob's whole body language was that of a defeated man, and Raephier hated to see him like that.
It was always Jacob that initiated contact between them, so Raephier felt a little jittery when he slowly reached out his hand and tentatively placed it over Jacob's.
Jacob just stared at Raephier's hand for a good 30 seconds, during which Raephier forgot how to breathe. But then Jacob took hold of Raephier's hand with both of his and let out a deep sigh.
Raephier closed his eyes in relief and subtly took in a deep breath.
"What am I going to do?" Jacob asked, although Raephier was sure that he wasn't expecting him to be able to answer that.
"Maybe we'll get lucky," Raephier said, wishing rather than believing that to be true.
Jacob shook his head slowly.
"Every time we've tried to make it home, it's gone the same way. There are several scout boats patrolling the Farraday Straight which is the stretch of water between Arran Island, my home, and the mainland. These boats only have light armory, so we can usually fight them off, but their purpose isn't to destroy us anyway. It's to slow us down, and then go and report our location to the bigger ships. The bigger ships either belong to the Tredda (they're the race who are attacking our home) or Pirates who are under the protection of the Tredda."
"Who are the Tredda?" Raephier asked.
"Tredda are people from Treddacinia which is a country on a peninsula on the mainland. They have always been an unpredictable race and are known for their skilled sailors and rather ruthless nature. Their king died around five years ago and unfortunately the son who succeeded him has a black heart. He wasn't happy with what he had so he decided he would increase the nation's wealth by taking resources from other lands."
"So they're trying to take over your homeland?" Raepheir asked.
Jacob shook his head.
"No, it's worse than that. Most wars are fought over territory. Our island has been claimed many times by different countries, but ultimately because the invaders wanted to claim the land as their own, they at least treated it with respect, and tried to gain the people's loyalty. Treddas are only after resources, and once they have those, they will leave. So basically they will strip our land of our farm animals, our crops, our machinery, and any materials that they think are worth anything. And because they have no use for the land afterwards, they will do it all in the most destructive way. Our island isn't large, so it won't take them long to strip it, and the people will be left with nothing but a barren wasteland."
Raephier tried to take in everything Jacob was telling him, but a lot of the things he spoke about were concepts unfamiliar to Raephier. In the seas, territory was always temporary. His own clan would often move around to find new feeding grounds. When your food was mobile, you sometimes had no choice but to follow it. Sure, they had favoured spots that they would often return to, but if you arrived and your usual cave was home to a family of sea snakes, you just found another place to live. There were no locks or metal bars. And possessions were few.
Sometimes Raephier really missed the more simplistic way of life.
"I'm sorry about your home," Raephier said, "and I'm sorry that I'm not going to be able to help. Believe me when I say that for the first time in my life, I do want to help. I just wish there was another way."
"It's ok," Jacob said, playing with Raephier's fingers. "I'm glad you're not a killer. I just don't know how I'm going to tell my men."
"Then don't tell them," Raephier said.
"What do you mean, don't tell them?"
Raepheir didn't really know what he meant. He just couldn't stand the thought of the crew thinking badly of Jacob over something that wasn't his fault.
"If we get attacked, order me to kill your enemy and then I'll refuse. That way the blame will fall on me."
Jacob looked at Raephier like he was losing his mind.
"I can't do that! Why would I do that?!"
Raephier shrugged.
"I'm used to being the enemy. I'm used to people hating me because I won't do what they say. I can take it, you know."
Jacob shook his head.
"Just because you can 'take' something, doesn't mean you should Reaphier," Jacob said firmly, turning round so he was facing Raephier, "I would never do that to you. Do you understand? I would never do that to one of my crew. They are my friends and my family, and so are you. I don't know how I'm going to tell them, but I will, and the blame will not be put on you."
The back of Raephier's throat suddenly felt dry and scratchy. He swallowed, but that just seemed to make it worse. He blinked rapidly as his eyes began to fill with excess moisture.
Jacob's face softened and he smiled gently before he let go of Raephier's hand to pull him into an embrace.
Raephier allowed himself to melt into Jacob's arms, his nose settling into the side of Jacob's neck.
When Raephier had first turned into a human, getting used to all the strange smells had been rather unsettling, but now, he couldn't imagine what it would be like to have never smelt Jacob. Breathing in his scent was one of his favourite things to do.
Raephier couldn't believe that this man was willing to put himself in the firing line for him. No one had ever put him first before. Never!
But there was one thing that Jacob had said that made Raephier feel uneasy. So while feeling safe in the protection of Jacob's arms, he decided that he was finally brave enough to say it. Finally brave enough to admit the truth.
"I have killed someone before," he said quietly.
"What?" Jacob asked, pulling back.
Raephier just clung onto him tighter.
"Please don't let go!" he said desperately. "I don't think I can do this otherwise."
Jacob wrapped his arms around Raephier tightly.
"Ok, does that help?" he asked.
Raephier gave out a quiet chuckle.
"It does," he said.
"So can you tell me what happened?" Jacob asked softly.
Raephier nodded into Jacob's chest.
He'd never spoken about what happened with Jas that day. Sure, he'd told parts before to explain to his family what had happened. But no one knew everything. Not the full story. It was something that he'd locked in a box in his mind, to try to protect himself from that awful day. In some ways the things he had gone through since had helped. Afterall there was nothing better to take your mind off killing your best friend than suddenly developing legs and having to live among humans. And then of course enduring torture and fighting for your life.
Now that Raepheir thought about it, he'd never really been given the time to grieve. So maybe it was finally time. Time to get out that box and deal with all the emotions that he'd packed away with the memory.
And now Raephier finally felt like he'd found a safe space to explore all that. It's just that his safe space happened to be in the arms of one Captain Jacob O'Reilly.
So Raephier told Jacob his story. The whole ugly truth. Well, maybe apart from the fact he was half fish.