33 The Bad Guy
Things have gotten worse for Nicky when by lunchtime, Josh decided to stay true with John Michael's valentine game and ate lunch with her at the canteen. By then, the rumors that they were getting back together had already spread like wildfire.
"You were really pretty at prom," Josh said as they ate their lunch.
"What?" Nicky asked, completely taken aback.
"I said you were pretty at prom. I was afraid to ask you to dance, though," Josh replied. His voice was surprisingly soft and low.
"I know I should say thank you, but I'm not really sure I understand what you were trying to say, Josh."
"I just thought you were pretty at prom. I like what you did with your hair. But then again, I had always thought you're pretty."
Somehow caught off-guard, Nicky fell silent. She did not know what to reply so she just studied the look on Josh's face. He looked unbelievably honest. It baffled her.
"We really never had a good closure after the break-up, right," he then said, as he averted his eyes from hers and bent his head down. "I felt really bad for what I did. I'm so sorry, Nicky."
Nicky kept on staring at him. "For what Josh? For dumping me or for making up those silly stories of you dumping me and then embarrass me to the whole class?"
"I know, I'm sorry. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night thinking about it. It's been eating me up."
"I didn't know you also feel guilty, Josh." Nicky's voice was firm and cold.
"Nicky, I am. I was stupid. I was hurt. And I didn't know what to do. I was afraid everyone would find out you broke up with me and I—"
"You didn't want to be embarrassed, right?"
"At first I thought maybe I just didn't want to be embarrassed. Maybe I really am a jerk. But that's not all."
"You want to get even? You want revenge? You want to hurt me, too? Is that it?"
"I did. I want to hurt you because I was so mad at you, Nicky."
"Of course, you were."
"I was so mad at you because I was in love with you."
"What?" Nicky nearly dropped her spoon.
"I liked you so much, Nicky," Josh then said. He was looking back at her now. "I never would have gone out with you if I didn't like you. I had a thing for you since first year. I'd been crushing on you for a long time. But well, you were always that girl any guy would afraid to ask out on a date. You're—I don't know—unreachable. I feel like I'm not even good for you, or you're just too good for me."
He paused and breathed. "But finally, this senior year, I worked up a nerve to get with you. And I was surprised you said yes to me. I thought maybe you liked me, too. But it was when we went out for a couple of dates that I figured you really didn't like me. And even if we're together then, you were still that girl—unreachable."
His eyes never left hers as he went on, "I didn't know why I was acting like a jerk with you and stole you your first kiss. I was flattered I was your first kiss. But now I know why I was being a jerk then. I was afraid that even if I wouldn't be a jerk, you still wouldn't really like me. And I still couldn't reach you. And I just couldn't brush off the thought that you were not not really into me. I still don't know now why you even said yes to me. But I do know I was hurt, heartbroken even, when you broke up with me."
Nicky felt her chest went heavy, like she couldn't breathe. There was that awful sinking feeling in her stomach. She hated Josh for what he did, but hearing his side of his story was something she wasn't armed for. She didn't want to believe him. Something in the back of her head kept telling her he could be making up stories again. Nice speech!
But she had never seen him sounding that sincere, his voice almost choked up, and his face—he looked wounded and hurt, yet surprisingly forgiving. There was not a hint of smirk stitching on his eyes. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She couldn't believe Josh. She really didn't want to believe him.
"Why are you telling me this, now?" She finally asked. Her voice a bit jammed in her throat.
"I don't know. I thought of not telling you. But maybe, you just have to know."
Nicky scorned at him. "Know what? That I didn't really have a jerk for a first boyfriend after all?"
"No," Josh cut her off. "You can always think of me as a jerk, Nicky. We both knew I was. And maybe still is."
"You've hurt me, Josh! You know that. You've ridiculed me in front of everybody, you can't just take that all away by saying sorry and admitting you're a stupid jerk. You cannot make it go away. And I'm sorry, too if I cannot just forgive you right now." She tried not to raise her voice. She didn't want anyone hearing them. But she couldn't help the wrath in her tone.
"I understand if you can't forgive me right now. But I can promise you it'll be different from here on. And I will not ridicule or embarrass you ever again."
"Really? Why?" Nicky was snarling at him.
"Because I don't wanna be a stupid jerk anymore. Especially not to you."
Nicky was shaking her head and looking at Josh in contempt. "I'm not buying this, Josh." She laughed wryly.
"Of course, you're not. But I just wanna be over it Nicky. I just wanna be over you even if I know I still can't."
"What?"
"I don't know if I'm over you already. I wanted to after you broke up with me. I even hated you. That's why I did what I did. But it never really made me any happy. It just all went worse for me after that. In fact, it made me even hated myself more. But I had to act I was over you especially when you were clearly already over me."
Nicky was shaking her head again. "No, Josh," she cut him off. "You just think you're not over me because you can't take the fact that I actually didn't have feelings for you. It wasn't me you're not over. You just can't get over that I dumped you."
"So you really didn't have any feelings for me at all." There was a sad look straining Josh's eyes.
Taken aback, Nicky didn't reply. So, am I the bad guy now? A knot was forming in her stomach.
"You didn't look me in the eye the way you looked at Red when you did that duet. Watching you two sing together was even really hard for me. Tell me, Nicky. Why did you even agree to go out with me?" Josh exhaled a long breath.
A lump was beginning to form on Nicky's throat. She didn't want to admit it to him—that she used him. She used him alright so she could have a boyfriend, like every other normal girl. And then, Red's words echoed in the back of her head again. You're shallow, Nicky. Maybe, he really was right. Long before she got with Josh, she wanted to be just a normal girl with a normal boyfriend. And then came Red, and she didn't want to be like any other girl anymore. But by thinking such also made her even all the more—shallower—or at least that was what Red said.
Nicky didn't know it would all come haunting her, now. She thought she had gotten away with using Josh—she thought the embarrassment he'd caused her was enough to pay for it. But knowing Josh knew she had used him was worse than being embarrassed and ridiculed by him through the tattle tales about him dumping her.
"I just wanted to be normal girl," she finally muttered. "I wanted to be like all the other girls and get a boyfriend, too. I wanted Iggy to notice me. I don't wanna be the odd one out. But well, that kind of backfired on me. And I guess, I'll always be the odd one out."
"Nicky, you're not like one of those girls. You're better than that."
Nicky looked up at him and shook her head. "I'm not really better than anyone else, Josh." Then, she sighed. "I'm sorry. I've used you for petty selfish reasons. You can't still like me after all that." Her voice was a whisper.
Josh smiled a strange smile. It looked like a frown. "I hope so. But I kind of forgave you already for what you did, Nicky. I hope you can forgive me, too."
"What is this really about, Josh?"
"A closure. And a peaceful one, I hope."
Nicky nodded as she looked at him. Then suddenly, she chuckled. "I can't believe you're sounding like an adult right now, Josh." But there was no sarcasm in her voice.
"Well, that's the first step to not being a jerk, right? I just wanna make peace with you, Nicky. It's our senior year now, you know. I don't wanna harbor any ill feelings especially after high school's over."
Nicky nodded again. "Well, I guess me, too. I don't want to attend high school reunions and get squeamish at the sight of my ex, as well."
Josh drew a half-smile. It still looked like a frown. "I'm glad we've finally talked, Nicky," he then said.
Nicky returned him a smile. "I've always thought you are unbelievably gutsy, Josh."
Josh looked at her uncertainly.
"You just say what you wanna say," Nicky continued. "It's easy for you to even embarrass and ridicule me back then. But I always believe there was cowardice behind that guts. But now, I can say you truly are gutsy. It took a lot guts and courage to ask for my apology and to do this closure. I would have never even thought of you to be that kind of person. And I would have never even thought of a closure myself. But you did. And I appreciate you for that. I really do, Josh. And I thank you even."
Josh smiled. This time, it didn't anymore look like a frown. "Well, I can be a nice guy, too, you know."
Nicky chuckled. She realized that was the first joke she heard from him that she finally found good-naturedly funny.
But then he suddenly said, "I mean, seriously. I can be the nice guy."
"No way! Is there something wrong with him? Is he sick and dying that he suddenly decided to apologize to you and be all goody-goody? It just doesn't sound right. It's too good to be even true. He's Josh and he'll never be the nice guy!" June blabbered hotly on Nicky's ears while they walking for the flag ceremony that afternoon.
"Everybody deserves an apology and a second chance, June."
"Hold up. A second chance? So you're getting back with him now?"
"No, not that. A second chance to try being good and be a better person. A chance to change his old ways."
"Huh," June scoffed. "You're just excusing him because you're still guilty for using him, right?"
"Well, I thought about that. But we all made mistakes and we learned from them. It's realizing that we did a mistake and taking accountability for it that matters now. He was sorry, and that's all I need."
"But did you say you were sorry, too?"
It was a moment before Nicky replied. "Yes, I did. And he said he already forgave me."
"Now, I'm really sure he's dying," June burbled.