Chapter 11
JEON JUNGKOOK
I didn't feel ashamed crying in front of Park Soohyun, but when the next morning came and the flashbacks of the night slid under my skin and burrowed into my body, it worried me that I must have made a fool of myself. She probably thought I was funny. Worse, she found me annoying. When she left last night, it felt to me that she'd rather be anywhere than be close to me. That she couldn't wait to be home and forget I happened. Because why would you still want to talk to someone who blatantly rejected you? She listened to my dramatic ass for painfully long minutes!
Isn't this what I wanted? I made her hate me though we were never even friends. It was making me anxious to know that she must be cursing me to hell... But we were okay last night. We talked peacefully. Soohyun even gave me advice on coping with dying patients and wished me a peace of mind. Maybe I should give her something in exchange of the time she wasted with me. She certainly thought of our moment that way. Jungkook, what moment are you talking about?
This day onwards, I would be nice to her. Soohyun deserved at least a civil treatment. From there, perhaps we could work it out and be good friends. That is, if she wanted us to be one.
That morning, I stood outside the residents' office in cardiothoracic surgery department, holding cups of coffee in both hands while getting nervous. I gathered courage to knock on the door then it opened and revealed all eyes focused on me.
"Hey..." I said.
The doctors regarded me with bright smiles and they threw Park Soohyun a suspecting look. There was confusion written on her face. I came here so random and I was actually starting to feel embarrassed.
One of the female residents in Soohyun's team grinned and said, "Looks like we've got Soohyun a coffee delivery guy now..."
"When do I ever get one?" another resident said, giggling as I grew more uncomfortable.
"Ssshhh, get a lover first."
Soohyun got up from her seat and raised her cup of coffee. "I am just drinking one right now." Then she faced her members in the team. "Can you guys stop teasing him? He already rejected me. We were never a thing. There's nothing to root for. Don't make him feel awkward."
She certainly made it more awkward.
The room suddenly fell silent and it had everyone finding anything to work on.
Soohyun walked to me and slowly led me out the door. When we were standing outside, she stopped and said, "I'm sorry about them." Her eyes dropped to the cups of hot coffee that were in my hands then her brows arched.
I offered her one. "For you... As a thanks."
"You don't owe me anything... I stayed with you last night because it was my choice. It's nothing. Give that Kim Taehyung since he loves free coffees."
I wouldn't want to insist because she looked impatient and her words only made me feel guilty so I nodded. "Okay. Thank you for last night. I bet I wasted your time."
"Didn't I just say it was my choice?"
"Still... You didn't have to do it but you listened to me."
"Fine." She sighed and everything had gone back to uncomfortable quietness the next second. I couldn't meet her eyes until she told me that she needed to go back to her team.
"I'll just see you around, I guess." I didn't have the chance to ask if we were really okay and I immediately said goodbye.
I arrived at our staff room and found Doctor Nam there who was about to leave. A smile threaded across her lips as I quickly handed out the coffee to her. She looked confused but she accepted right away with no further questions.
"This doesn't mean anything," I said to her. I didn't want her assuming anything out of my kindness.
She gave me a knowing grin, bumping her shoulder against mine. "Sure, Jeon. Keep telling that to yourself."
I shrugged and smiled a little. "Yeah, I always keep telling myself that we're just workmates."
"Funny. I've got to go. I'll be back before you miss me."
"Whatever," I said and she only let out a laugh.
. . .
"Well, something happened last night so I kept her company."
"What happened?"
Taehyung raised a brow. "It's an intimate information I must not share with you."
I chuckled. "What, you're best friends with Soohyun now?"
"Wouldn't it be so nice if I had two best friends? Soohyun is really nice when she just stops talking about you. I don't like to be caught up between you two, though. I'm staying out of your issues." It led me wondering what they talked about, and I didn't even want to consider the thought that they could have talked about me.
"We're not enemies or something, Taehyung."
"But there's tension. I just want to breathe in peace." He shoved the rice into his mouth.
I took a moment to put him under scrutiny. "You really do sound like you're close with her. I feel betrayed."
"I'm not taking sides. You can pull each others' hair and I won't flinch a muscle."
I laughed at his response. "Shut up."
"But seriously, Jungkook. If you just give it a chance, she could be a good friend..."
"I've thought about that."
"Well?"
"I don't think she will like it."
"You still think she wants something more than that?"
"No... Soohyun might find it offensive, at least for now."
"I bet she won't... I believe she won't make a big deal out of it."
"You think so?"
He tapped my shoulder heavily. "I swear."
. . .
During the day there was so much to do. I did my rounds, tended to my patients and run-of-the-mill cases with my team, finished consultations and documentation work. Getting scolded also seemed to be a part of my daily routine so I tried to take things easy. I did my best not to take things to heart so it wouldn't hurt that much when I was called stupid at work.
My mind kept going back to the table death yesterday so I found more work to keep me away from my thoughts. I was even tempted to work overtime so I could sleep quickly straight after I left the hospital.
After all the work I had to be done with, I changed into fresh clothes and packed my things. I was lucky enough not to be forced to extend my working hours until the next morning unlike Taehyung who was taking a quick nap because he needed to stay awake for the next hours.
As soon as I stepped out of the hospital, the loudness of the rain greeted my ears. My eyes roamed the surroundings. I gazed into the distance and I could make out a familiar handbag held by an even more familiar side profile of a woman.
I didn't know why my feet brought me to her direction. But I had hopes of talking to her... To clear up things between us because there was this lingering worry in my chest. It could be guilt or something that I shouldn't feel. But whatever it was, I didn't want it to be sitting in my stomach every time I would look at her.
I couldn't get the words out, although I wanted to. I was afraid that I would tell her something offensive which I didn't mean, and that would upset her more... I knew we started on the wrong foot but I thought we could give it a try and be good friends like Taehyung had mentioned.
I stood close to her, a safe distance between us. I found myself standing there with no idea what I was supposed to do.
"Good evening," I said to her.
Park Soohyun looked surprised, but after that she seemed to gather herself after a nod and a small smile. I dismissed it as a sign of tiredness. We all had a long day. On other days, she still looked energetic and sophisticated whenever she walked out of the hospital but this time, she was distant... A little more hostile. I understood because I had an intuition I could be the problem. She must have not liked my presence. Earlier this morning she appeared rather unenthusiastic towards me which was definitely reasonable... She had every right to be, and now I thought I could approach her and be a little friendly. Jungkook, just try tomorrow or next time, she doesn't look like she's in a good mood.
"I assume you didn't bring your car with you..."
"You're right," she said.
I put one hand into my jean's pocket while the other held the strap of my backpack. "Ah, it sucks that it's raining hard right now. It's just bad timing."
"I guess so."
"Is no one going to pick you up instead? How long have you been waiting here?" I glanced down at my wristwatch and clicked my tongue. "It's almost nine."
"It's fine. Shouldn't you be going home right now?"
"Uh, yeah, actually..."
"Then go."
"I guess you're right," I said like an idiot.
"Go," she repeated.
"Will you be okay? It's cold out here."
"I'm not fucking five, Jeon Jungkook."
I raised my brows in shock. There was an indignant edge to her voice and I started to fidget with my fingers, oblivious of the sudden animosity on her part. "I was just showing concern as your acquaintance..." I trailed off.
Soohyun pursed her lips in a thin line as she stared at me, a crease between her eyebrows. I hated the fact that she looked like she was going to cry if I triggered her. "Thank you but I don't need it."
I cleared my throat. "Okay... I apologise if I said something you didn't like but please tell me what it is."
She shook her head and averted her eyes. "I don't know... I just feel embarrassed when I see you and I thought it would feel alright if I pretended nothing happened. If I acted like I didn't do crazy things for you to notice me. But it's not okay. I feel even more hurt knowing you're this close but I can't have you. I feel so embarrassed. I'm telling you, Jungkook, I am so ashamed."
"You don't have to feel that way--"
"I can't help it. I'd really appreciate it if we act like strangers. That's how we have always been, anyway."
"But we can still be friends, you see. I'll wait until you're comfortable. I just think we're old enough to not let this become a rift between us." My voice came out shaky like I was convincing myself.
Soohyun harshly turned to me and I watched her eyes glisten with tears. I fucked up, didn't I? I had no idea which part of what I told her made her tear up, but I knew I said something that didn't sit well with her. It was even worse that I didn't know what exactly it was. God, I was so clueless. And Taehyung was wrong.
"Can you stop? I'm trying so hard to ignore you so I can move on. Don't make propositions like you know how I feel. This is not easy. If you're only feeling bad for me, don't be. I did this to myself. I regret all the bad things I've done to you and that's all we need to address."
We both kept our mouths shut and our eyes were set on the wet road the next second. Over the next minutes, people shuffled behind us, talking in hushed voices, all of them waiting for a ride to come so they could go.
I didn't leave yet. Soohyun didn't ask why I was still there when I could have been already driving home.
"Let's act like we don't know each other starting today," she suddenly told me after her silence, her voice uneven.
I had no choice but to give her what she wanted and respect her decision even though it was adding more heft of guilt on me. "Okay," I answered.
We watched the rain pour that night. Neither of us talked after that. But the stilted awkwardness and silence between the two of us overpowered the noise of heavy rainfall. I couldn't say anything to make her feel okay. Where did I go wrong? I didn't even know where to start.
》AUTHOR'S NOTE《
i know this is lacking but i haven't written something for months so forgive me hehe thank u for those who still wait for tat updates :") i'm v v grateful mwah 9K reads whutt
take care of yourselves lovelies <3
-- lynn 🌼