Dhruv's point of view
"So you are telling me you arrested this gentleman who is sitting in front of me." Raghav asked the senior constable while pointing to me.
We all are sitting in his cabin. Both the constable, who were arrested me before now standing at my right in stiff position and I was keep clenching and unclenching my fist try to control myself, waiting for the drama to end so I could get some drinks and cigarettes into my system.
"Yes, Sir.." They both said while looking confused.
"Do you guys want to get suspended right now? Do you know who he is?" Raghav asked them and they both shake heads immediately.
"You both arrested the District Magistrate of this city. This whole city is under in his control. Basically he owns this city and you are telling me you arrested him, even you misbehaved with him. Don't you guys love your job." Their heads spun to my direction and they looked at me with shock. I didn't even spared the glance in their direction and maintain my pocker face.
"What..? Si...si...sir..we don't know about you. Please forgive us sir." They both started pleading me but I keep sitting in the chair with my pocker face, ignoring their pleads and requests. It wasn't like I am going to suspend them or complaint to their senior authorities or request to Raghav to suspend them. I just blocked everyone's voice to reach me because they are irritating me. If I loose my control, no one here will be able to stop me and I turn this police station into a battle ground.
"That's why I told you Shukla ji, read newspaper daily. See what you had done." I looked at Raghav and I can see the mischievousness on his face. He was messing with both the constables.
He winked at me and I can't help myself to roll my eyes.
"From now on I will buy the newspaper daily." The senior constable, Shukla ji said.
"I will do the same sir ji. But please don't suspend us. I got married last month. My in-laws let me marry to their daughter because of my government job." The young constable requested to me. I glared at Raghav and warned him with my eyes to clear this matter as soon as possible other wise his ugly ass is in danger and turning into red soon.
He understand my warning and clear his throat.
"Shukla ji, Chaudhary you both wait outside. I will talk to him and requested him not to take any action." He said while suppressing his laugh.
"Thank you sahab ji (Sir). I will tell my wife to made ladoo for you." Shukla ji said while joining his both hands in front of Raghav.
"That will be great Shukla ji and you Chaudhary...?" Raghav asked while raising his both eyebrows on the young constable.
I know he is corrupted from the start.
"I will tell my wife to made biryani for you." Chaudhary spoke immediately before he gets late in the train.
"Good...now you both can go." Raghav dismissed them and as they leave his cabin he broke into laugh.
"That was fun dude. I should try this again." He laughed while looking at me but I was far away to take any interest in his childish game. I gave him stern look and soon his laugh turn into a cough and he pretended to drink water to subside his cough.
Asshole...
"Okay, Dhruv be serious and tell me what is going in your life. You didn't meet me after our transfer in Lucknow even you were ignoring my calls and when You decided to call me I found you in my police station. This is not the first time, I saved you from such situations. You were lucky that I am the S.P. of this city because as far as I know you you didn't even bother to tell anyone about your identity." Raghav deadpanned but I can see the concern in his eyes.
We both met again in Delhi. We both were taking the coaching for UPSC from the same institute but our batches were different because he was preparing for the IPS and I was preparing for the IAS. We both lived in the same hostel and share the room. He is my support pillar from last 8 years even our first posting in the same city, Kanpur. He is the reason, I cracked the IAS exam in my first attempt not just him but her also.
He knows how fucked up my mind is but never know the reason behind it. He asked me many time but ignore the topic. When I was posted in Kanpur, police arrested me before because of my anger issues and every time Raghav saved me but every time he gave me the long lecture about my life and asked me share my pain with him but I don't need anyone to support. I am enough for myself.
He put his both hands on the table and lean on it.
"Bhayi kuch to bta. Kya hua hai tere sath?"
(Bro.. please tell me, what happened with you?)
I looked at him with my glossy eyes. They were not tears, they were just a water for me because of the exhaustion, my mind was feeling.
I leaned back on the chair, Put my right elbow on the arm chair, looked directly into his eyes while maintaining my pocker face and said..
"Daru pilayega..."
(Will you take me to the drink?)
****
The silver earring wave in my hand when the wind touched it and when its melodious tinkling reached to my ears, ut reminds me of her. This is the only thing of her, I have with which I can touch physically and feel her near me. My phone is fill with her pictures which I took from her knowledge and see them every day when I feel alone. She is the witness of my every tear which fall from my eyes, she is the witness of my agony. She knows my pain and know how lonely I am. She knows, how much I miss her in those past 8 years.
I still remember, when I steal this silver earring from her without knowledge. It was the day when she came to my house with macaroni, wearing that beautiful blue anarkali suit and went to kitchen to take oregano from the kitchen but directly fall in my arms when she slipped. Her earing tangled with my shirt button. I noticed it immediately but decided to steal this from her as her memory. It was the first gift, I received from my beautiful neighbour.
That day we also had our first unofficial dinner together.
She always managed to bring a smile on my face whenever I think about her but at the same time I felt pain in my heart when her broken state covered my vision.
When I cleared my IAS exam, I went back to Saharanpur to meet her and take her out from that hell if she is not happy there and if that monsters treating her badly but when I reached her house, I found lock at her house. I waited for at least a month but when the lock remained on her house's main gate, I inquired about her and her family to our old neighbours. They told me that they shifted to somewhere five years ago and no one knows where they went. I tried to find her and tracked every possibilities, her family could go but I found nothing.
I still trying to find her but I only meet the failure. It feels like I again lost someone, very precious to me.
"Whose this earing, you carry in your wallet." Raghav asked me.
"An angel." I said absent mind while looking at the earing in my hand and lost in the beauty of the owner of this earing.
Waiter slammed the another set of drinks on the table, taking me out from her thoughts. I blinked and fisted the earing in my hand.
Raghav laughed while taking the glass of whiskey and drink it.
It was already 1 A.M. Bars are already closed so Raghav and I come to the local shop for drinks. This is the typical 'desi sharab ka tekha' (local bar) which we had seen in movies many times. Same yellow light, labours spending their daily earned wedges on their drinks.
I again curled my fingers around the earing to feel her again and closed my eyes to take a breath in her fragrance. The tinkling of her bangles and anklets reached me, calming my heart and I can feel her closer to my heart.
"What is the angel's name? I also want to know. Who is that lucky girl who is gets the attention from the great IAS officer Dhruv Malhotra."
I opened my eyes and put back the earing in my wallet. I took the cigarette from the cigarette pack, put it between my lips and lit it with the lighter. I leaned back on the chair and puffed out the smock from my nose and mouth.
"It's none of your business and forget what I say." I said while looking at the amusing face of Raghav.
"Well, I will find that one day." He said with smirk.
"Dream on.." I said without breaking my eye contact with him making sure he get my words and don't try to pock his nose in my life.
"sure...sure..." He laughed while leaning to the table and forward his hand towards me for the cigarette.
"I don't share smock.." I said while shaking my head as no. He sighed, took the new cigarette from the pack and lit it with lighter.
"Forget about all this, tell me why are you nit picking Anuradha aunty's call. She called me this morning to know about your whereabouts." He asked while puffing out the smock from his mouth and shifted his cigarette in other hand.
"She wants me to fix with Priya. She wanted me marry her." I said while taking the another drag and drink my whiskey in one gulp.
"Is this why she forced you to take transfer to Lucknow." Raghav made another drink for me.
I nodded my head as yes and took the glass from him.
"I will take the transfer again if won't quit the topic." I said and drink my whiskey feeling its bitter taste on my taste buds.
"You can't get the transfer this soon and marry Priya she is a nice girl." There is no mischievous on his face when he said that and I know he is seriously wants me to consider this marriage proposal.
Mummy is behind me from past two years to marry priya. Her father send the marriage proposal himself and mummy was on nine cloud when she heard about that. I know, she wants Priya and me to get marry since our childhood and it was like her dream is coming true. But her hopes shattered when I rejected the proposal without giving it a second thought. I am also aware of Priya's feelings towards me. She openly confessed it that she is in love with me and wants to get marry but I don't want to marry anyone. No one aware of my dispersive state. No one can handle me when I have my panic attacks.
I am too much fucked up to love anyone.
I already told Priya that I don't feel the same for her and could never love her but she told me that she will wait for me and convince me to marry her one day but I know that day will never come.
I do not made for the love.
"At least you don't say this. You know me." I said while looking at my glass and then him.
"What your psychiatrist said?" He asked me while taking a sip from his drink.
I also took the sip from my glass, took another drag from my cigarette, blew out the extra ashes on the floor and said, "She said the same. She also thinks, this is the right time for me to get marry."
"That's why you stop visiting her. When was the last time you actually went to her for the counselling." He asked me with a calmly.
"I am not going to her again. That old woman only manipulates people. I doubted that she actually certified in psychiatry or not." I said with a frown while crushing the cigarette bud in astray and extinguished it. I took the new cigarette from the pack and lit it.
"This is the fifth doctor you turned down." He said in disappointment.
"It's not my fault. You always introduced me with shity doctors." I said while gulping down the whole. drink and made another one for me.
"Okay, I will find you another one but please try to co-operate with her." He said with concern.
I took another drag from my cigarette and said while puffing iut the smock from my mouth and nose, "I am not promising anything."
Ragahv shake his head in disappointment and said, "One day you will surely get the reason to live. You will soon find your hope."
"That day will never come." I said while looking at him with confidence because I know the day will never come when I find my reasons to live.
***
It's already past 2 when we both came out from the bar but I can hear the loud music of nearby club. The group of office colleagues were enjoying their night near by our car. Raghav was putting the drinks on the back seat which we bought for our upcoming nights. I was going through my phone and saw many missed calls and messages from Nikhil and my mother. I can feel girls eyes on me but I choose to ignore them.
"That girl, in purple dress is literally drooling over you but you are busy in your phone. Bhayi kaise ker leta hai tu ye sab." I looked up from my phone and saw Raghav who was standing beside me looking in the other direction. I followed his direction and saw a girl in purple dress was literally eye raping me. She passed me her slutery smile and winked at me.
(Dued, how did you do it?)
I put my phone back in my jeans pocket and said, "I am not interested in all this now let's go."
I opened the door of car and sit on the passenger seat. Raghav open the door of driver seat and sit behind the steering wheel.
"You weird." He said while making a weird face.
"I know...."
Raghav laughed and start the car.
****
"Well..she wasn't that good." I looked at Raghav and then again on the ground, looking at the wave of our pea.
We both stooped the car in the middle of the high way for pee. It was a isolated area ad I can sea only fields and large trees.
"I didn't even look at her. You are the one who checking her out." I said while zipping my jeans and fixed it.
"I wasn't checking her out. She is not my type."
I rolled my eyes when he said that. He barely left a chance to flirt with girls So it was hard to believe that she wasn't her type. He also pulled up his jeans and adjust it around his waist.
"yeah..yeah..what makes you sleep at night." I sanitized my hands, Raghav did the same and I pulled out two bear bottles from the back seat. I give one to Raghav and keep one for myself. We both leaned yo our cars and looked at the fields in front of us.
"You won't take me seriously ever, will you." He asked while looking at me.
"Never..." I shake my head as no and take a sip from my beer.
"One day, you will surely take me seriously." He looked at me amusingly.
"I will wait for the day."
Raghav and I both are drinks partner. I usually get annoyed when he is around me but he is the drink partner I could ever had. He see the worst part of me when I get aggressive due to my mental state. He also saved me two time when I tried to suicide. He always behind me to share the story of my past but I never tell him. Not even my psychiatrist know about my past. They trued hard but always fail. Maybe that's why I don't have any improvement in my mental condition, even it got worst every day.
Raghav is the only person whom I make a friend after Yash's death. I never admitted this in front of him and I am never going to admit it because we are enemies since our school day but still we roamed together and drink together, smock together. We both stayed silent and looked at the fields in front of us while sipping our beers. I lost the count after my second beer and we are no where to stop drinking. I don't know about Raghav but drinks and veers did nothing to my messed up mind. Still I can feel the lots of negative thoughts in my mind and keep me realising how worthless I am.
"I think, I should stop now. I have to go to the work tomorrow."
I didn't turn to him when he said in his drunk voice. I chose to keep quit and tried to find the way how to end this pain.
"You told me, you had a seminar to attend in some local degree college, when it is?" He asked me.
"On Monday." I said without looking at him.
"Well best of luck my friend. They are hell boring." Raghav put his hand in my shoulder, showing me his fake sympathy.
"I will call you to accompany me." I sipped my beer while looking in front of me.
"Spare me dude. My plate is also full." He laughed.
"Then don't show me your fucking fake concern." I said casually and Raghav laughed.
Raghav's phone started ringing and from his expressions I can tell it's his mom. He might be and IPS officer but he still is a mumma's boy and afraid from his mother. He lives with his parents. Whenever he gets the transfer, he bring his parents with him because he can't live without them and can't spend a single day without eating his mother's food. I still wonder, how he lived in Delhi without eating aunty's food.
"mom...no..I"
"No...mom I am not drunk..."
"I swear to god mom. I am on night duty..."
He was stammering and I can sense the fear in his voice of his mother. He the call and out his phone back in his pocket.
"Let's go man before my mother file my missing report in police station and later trow me out from my own house."
I nodded my head and walked to the passenger seat when Raghav stopped me.
"You drive..I am drunk and I have to think the batter excuse to tell my mother why I am late."
I nodded my head and took the car keys from him. After settling in his car, I drive the car towards his home.
*****
One of the hardest part of my life is deciding, wether to walk away or try harder. Whenever I have a good few months and I think I have gotten over the worst on my life, it silently returns. This isn't the battel, I asked to fight. I am tired to knowing it's always coming back.
Sometimes the prettiest smiles, hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes cried the most tears and the kindest heart felt the most pain.
I have read these lines somewhere and they perfectly fits on me. I am the most happiest person for my family because I portrait myself like that but no one knows the pain behind my smile. It wasn't like I don't want yo talk to someone about it. I really want to talk to someone about my thoughts and feelings but I can't. My guilt stops me every time and make me realised every single minute, I have to live like this and die in this guilt, dig in heart.
The strong wind touched the earing in my hand, make it tinkling and I was looking at without blinking. All the time I think about her.
Is she happy?
What is she doing right now?
Is she also miss me?
I don't know why but she is always in my mind. She is the only person I think other than Yash. I hope one day we meet again and when I see you, I want to see a smile on your beautiful face. You must turn into a beautiful and strong woman. You don't know, how much I craved to see you once again before I closed my eyes forever.
Where are you my beautiful neighbour?
Lone tear drop from my right eye and I kissed the earing in my hand, feeling closed to her. My blood was wetting the bed sheet of my bed but only the mentally pain I was feeling.
It's been two hours I drop Raghav to his house and I don't know when I cut my wrist with sharp blade and lying on my bed like a lifeless body while looking at Aditi's earing. Cold wind of the night coming from the balcony of my room but I was numb. Is Yash also used to felt like this when he was fighting with his own demon? Is Aditi also felt this what I am feeling right now.
Her family used to beat her but I know, there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything bleeds. When I am upset and stuck with my demons in my own mind, I shut myself down. I have no willing to live for anyone. I tell myself that nobody cares even though I know some do. I think about all of the possibility to stay happy but at the same time, I also think about many ways to end my life. I give myself all the pain, thinking I deserve it. I am not sure why I do that but that's just how I am.
My blood drops were falling on the floor and my eyes were getting heavy. I hope, I won't open my eyes again. No one save me this time.
I'll be okay just not today and probably not tomorrow.
......................................................................
I hope you like the chapter.
I know some of the readers are confused about Dhruv marital status because I mentioned it in the blurb but yo be honest I totally forgot about it and changed the plot.
Do Dhruv is single and I deleted that part from the blurb.
I want to give a special thanks to Desibangtan .
She always requested my silent readers to vote and comments. It's really means a lot yo me. Thank you dear.
Please do votes and very very long comments.
Thank you.