Alice POV
"I can't believe these are still in such good shape.,." Greg marveled as he turned the leather bound journal over in his hand, touching the binding with a wistful smile on his face.
His fingers slowly lingered on the embossed cover that read "Clara Matthews." I recalled her telling me these were a gift from her Papa back when she graduated college years prior, six identical journals with her name in gold foil so she could keep track of her thoughts and dreams.
Write what you know... and what you want to know... you always told me that, Clara...
I let out a breath, my heart racing as he held the journal and began gingerly flipping through the pages. She loved writing and would constantly have one of these nearby, scribbling ideas or recipes from Good Morning America or taking notes from whatever book she was reading.
Clara absorbed information like a sponge. She wanted to learn and grow so her journals were an extension of her very being. Benji was known for coloring in crayon over the pages, decorating her penmanship with rainbows of scribbles that were now a reminder of his chaotic nature amidst her desire for structure.
I finally had breath to speak, my voice returning as I looked at Greg's tired face and offered a smile, "Yeah, she had a batch of these and as you know wrote constantly. Benji even colored in most of them over her words but she never minded. I have a few I don't want to share since they were personal to us, but I am happy to let you go over the rest." My eyes met his and saw a glimmer of hope flash.
Maybe this will be the closure he has always needed...
I realized in that instant Clara's constant voice in my head was not as loud when Greg was around. This did not worry me but I grew curious about why she would leave when her first love was nearby. Clara has always been my North Star, guiding my path. She's always shown me how to behave and been almost like a Fairy Godmother, somehow appearing when I needed her most. Maybe it seemed crazy but I decided a long time ago to just accept this as a gift.
Greg seemed to think about my words but shook his head, "No, that's okay... she gave these to you. I don't need to read her words and reopen that wound." He looked to Remington and Benji as they sat watching us from the couch, identical concerned expressions on their faces. "Just knowing... knowing you kept them... Alice, this means so much. It's Clara's legacy continued."
I heard Benji laugh lightly, then turned to see him whisper something to Remington. "Have something you want to share with the class, Beep?" I quirked an eyebrow toward my brother.
Remi coughed and tucked his head to the side, effectively hiding his gaze while I scrutinized Benji.
"Uhh... no?" He stuttered, mouth hanging open and eyes wide, "Nothing to share!"
The doorbell rang and I stood straighter, brushing my romper so it fell properly while I stretched my back and hips. "Saved by the bell, asshole." I glared, using two fingers and pointing them toward my eyes then his back and forth as a playful threat, "I'm watching you, Benji..."
Greg laughed while I made my way to the front door with Benji close behind as we greeted Kenny and Leah along with Princess Peach.
My heart was teetering on the cusp after our rock skipping adventure in the middle of the night.
Nothing prepared me for what we experienced at Baker's pond.
I was not ready to see Remington in such a vulnerable state. Even after the hospital stay, where my head was so muddled from medication and grief and trauma that I still can't parse all that happened, I was surprised at how shattered he seemed. Benji even commented in the car that he wanted to be more gentle with Remi now that he knows how sad he is.
I did some research after arriving home on emotional support dogs and was crossing everything that Peach would be the right fit for us. Remington and Benji's nightmares were so similar that I was more than terrified about how strong their connection was already. This would only become more intense as they continued to grow closer.
Knowing Greg will not be here long just means one more level of grief to manage. One more piece of the puzzle to work through.
Leah grinned broadly as I opened the door, "Hey!!"
"Good morning!" I welcomed them inside, stepping to the side so they had the opportunity to enter.
Peach peeked into the house, looking around a moment and appearing to recognize Remington first. Her ears perked and tongue lolled out of her mouth before Leah let her off the leash so she could explore. We allowed her free reign of the house to sniff around while they gave me a bag of toys she loved. I grabbed a basket from the dining room and added them with the stuffed Mario and Luigi as well as a few other items Benji previously picked out.
My energy needed to stay calm so I kept my tone quiet and just let her have some space. Benji and Remington were on the couch as Peach sniffed around the room, peering behind chairs and under the table before she made her way into the kitchen where a fresh water bowl was waiting for her.
Benji laughed as she started slurping, "Guess she was thirsty, huh?"
"Yeah, we took her to the park to play for a bit so she could get some energy out before coming by," Kenny smiled, taking a seat on the couch next to Remington while Leah stayed standing next to me. After a few moments I set the basket of toys in the corner of the living room and noticed Peach watch my movements, excitedly coming toward me as I sat right next to all of her favorite things.
"Oh, good idea, Lissy!" Benji exclaimed before joining me and gingerly sitting on the floor as well. His boot was clunky and hard to maneuver but he was getting used to working with it, making his injuries more of a nuisance than anything else at this point.
Peach came closer and nosed into the basket, finding a worn fabric giraffe and grabbing it before she took it straight to Remington. He grinned, scratching her head and taking the toy before she returned to the basket for a stuffed elephant that she took to Kenny. We laughed as she decided which toy each of us needed to have, digging around and methodically determining her choice every time.
"Does she do this a lot?" Remington asked as Leah took a tennis ball with a grin.
She shrugged, "I guess? She's very particular but bringing toys is a normal thing for her. It's not always so she can play with you. Sometimes it's just so she can show you she cares."
I was the last one without a toy but Peach came toward me finally, licking my hand and allowing me to pet her before she returned to her very important job of distributing her toys to the group. Benji chuckled while she seemed to debate before deciding on an ragged rope toy that Peach then plopped in my lap with an excited look on her face.
I smiled, chuckling at the disgusting and matted mess now in my lap. "Nice. I get the gross rope."
"It's her absolute fave, Liss," Kenny said. I turned and looked at him, noticing a soft smile on his and Leah's faces. "She even sleeps with that rope almost like a security blanket."
My heart melted at their words, now understanding the meaning of this gesture.
I gave Peach a hug, wrapping my arms around her neck and scratching her torso while I whispered, "I think we're going to get along just fine, Peach..."
Our day flew by in a whirl of puppy cuddles and laughter, playing fetch in the yard while we grilled burgers and had yet another relaxing meal full of banter and easy conversation. Daisy and Doc arrived by the time we were about to begin eating so they got to sit down and fill their plates almost immediately after having some time to play with Peach.
Everything felt perfect.
Except Remington.
Something felt off in his movements and expressions.
It was more than just exhaustion, he seemed distant and almost cold.
Of course he tried to be himself but in the quiet moments I felt the disconnect. Looking into his deep blue eyes was like staring into the pond last night. Just vacant and vast, waiting to be filled by anything but the thoughts he was plagued by.
I reminded myself not to take it personally after the intense evening slash morning we had and that Remi is struggling to parse all the information we are dealing with just like Benji and me. He also went to the place where Reese died last night which must have opened up so much unresolved trauma. This is hard, no matter how you slice it. No one can predict how they will process grief so after a difficult day maybe the best thing I can do is just sit back and allow him time and space.
By the time lunch was over Peach was snoring in the shade. Daisy leaned back in her chair to get a good peek but tipped too far and almost fell. Benji quickly grabbed the chair while laughing as she gasped, hands flailing while he made sure she was safe.
"Oh my god, my life flashed before my eyes!" She clutched her chest and laughed, "Thanks for the save, Benji!"
He shrugged, "Eh, I got your back."
Daisy smiled, "Yeah, and I've got yours." She scooted her chair back and cooed, "Awww, Peach looks so cozy!"
"Yeah, it's pretty warm out, though, so we can go inside soon and give her a break in the air conditioning." I smiled, sipping my lemonade and leaning back in my seat.
Doc looked around the table and grabbed the bowl of fruit salad I had thrown together from our leftover fruit tray that morning. She dished herself another portion and asked, "So, how should we spend the rest of today?"
Kenny and Leah shared a look before Leah spoke, smiling at me softly, "Well, we are going to head out after lunch and let you get settled with Peach."
"Already?" I asked, surprised that she would officially be in our care so quickly.
"Of course," Kenny chuckled, "You're her owner now. She's your dog, Alice."
I smiled, my eyes flicking to Remington as he stared into space. He looked toward me and our eyes connected, the spark I've always felt now present again. Relief flooded my veins as I felt his hand slide on my thigh toward mine. My fingers laced with his and I let out long breath, blinking away the anxiety I felt.
Right on schedule Peach sauntered up to the table and nudged our now joined hands with her cold nose, begging to be petted. I obliged her with my free hand as I responded, "Well, I understand that of course but just assumed you would want to spend more time with her as well. I know you two are really close to her and want to make this an easy transition for her as well as for you."
Leah shook her head, "That's okay, really. We need to sort of make a clean break here and rip the band aid. It will be hard not to have her in our house but we are starting to foster a new dog tomorrow so I have to get things cleaned up and scrub the crate she was using as well." She smiled, "And you guys are literally across the street so I'm positive we will see one another often. This isn't goodbye forever. It's just a see ya later."
See ya later... not goodbye... but I've had to say goodbye so much, I don't know how to do "see ya later."
My mind reeled at this concept while they said their goodbyes before we started cleaning up lunch, tidying the kitchen and putting away all our leftovers. I felt like I was on autopilot but this time it wasn't dissociation.
It was exhaustion.
My body felt tight and sore, the muscles in my back seizing while I tried to load the dishwasher. As I bent over to place a plate in the bottom rack I felt something click and groaned in pain.
"Liss, I've got it..." a warm, strong hand gripped my waist and I shut my eyes, gritting my teeth as I breathed through the waves of pain. "Just stay there, okay... breathe...."
Remington helped me stand up and massaged my back while I leaned with my elbows against the counter, attempting to keep myself from crying from the pain.
Doc brought the last of the dishes inside and immediately dropped them on the counter before approaching. "Liss, can I examine you for a minute?"
I nodded, stepping toward her and continuing my 4-7-8 breathing as she did a brief assessment.
"Okay, I think it's just the strain in your ribs that is causing the pain you're in. The bending motion can pull things out of place. Let's get you some pain meds and one of your muscle relaxers then you are on strict orders to relax on the couch for awhile. Deal?' Doc stared into my eyes and I nodded in agreement, words not possible as I tried to keep myself from screaming in agony.
Remington brought me the prescription bottles from my bathroom and Doc poured me a fresh glass of sweet tea, handing it over as I swallowed the medication while she watched.
"You're gonna be feeling nothing in about a half hour, right, Doc?" Remi asked with a smirk. I rolled my eyes and smacked his chest, taking another drink to make sure the pills were all the way down.
She smiled, "I sure hope so. How about you, Remi?"
He shrugged, "My back has been tight also but I think it's okay for now. I'm trying to be gentle."
Doc studied him a long moment but was satisfied and conceded, allowing me to run to the bathroom before settling in on the couch. I took a moment to wash my face and do some more breathwork as I managed the pain, the act of sitting on the toilet even causing me more pain than I ever expected. I grabbed a hoodie and slipped it over my romper so I could stay warm in the air conditioning, well aware that the house was pretty chilly to accommodate the Georgia heat.
Just relax, sweet Lissy... let them take care of you for once. You don't always have to be the strong one...
Clara's voice in my head reminded me to stop taking control and allow those I trust to continue stepping up. I need to give them this opportunity. They've proven they are worthy of my devotion so I will be safe.
Peach was full of energy after her nap so Daisy and Benji were having fun with her in the yard, playing fetch with a frisbee and her tennis balls while Greg watched in the shade. By the time I returned to the kitchen, the now full dishwasher was running and Remington had my drink and phone on the couch along with a throw blanket ready to go so I could relax.
"Thanks," I said quietly, curling up and adjusting the pillows before I peeked out the windows behind me just as Peach jumped and caught the frisbee. I laughed, pulling the curtain further so Remington could see as well.
He leaned closer, his breath on my neck while Daisy grabbed the frisbee after Peach dropped it at her feet. She threw it and Peach again ran and leapt high, grabbing the frisbee perfectly before landing and immediately running to Benji for more pets and another throw.
The emotional disconnect I felt earlier was still there but physically I was as attracted to him as ever. Remington was attractive, of course, but more than that his presence brought me a feeling of security that I had never felt before. I knew he was a man that I could depend on. Someone I could build a life with.
He was someone that would work alongside me to make sense of the chaos.
"She loves it here," his voice was low and raspy, hands now resting on my hips while his fingers flexed against the fabric of my hoodie. "Peach is so happy and will have a great life now."
"But will we?" My question was quiet and I turned, moving to sit sideways on the couch as Remington followed suit after the shift in my tone.
His eyes held confusion as he asked, "What do you mean?"
"Will we be happy?" I chewed my bottom lip, thinking out loud as I spoke, "I don't even know what that's like."
Remington blinked, his breath faster before he moved to pull me into a gentle hug. "I promise I'll try to make sure we find peace and contentment. We can find pockets of happiness, even when things are hard. Deal?"
I nodded, accepting his hug and allowing my hands to roam his strong back, but still felt like something was missing.
I waited for some kind of relief, but it didn't come.
After a moment I sat back, shifting around to stretch my muscles and grab my drink.
Doc came back inside after visiting with Greg, relaxing in the easy chair across from the couch and let out a sigh, "Those two are going to be as tired as Peach by the time they're done, aren't they?"
"I think so. Maybe we can find a good movie to throw on when they get inside," I grabbed the remote and turned on the television, beginning to scroll Netflix for a good family friendly choice.
Remington chuckled and reclined on the couch with his hands clasped behind his head. "It won't be long. Dad will need to come in soon and I have a feeling Benji will realize that and the whole crew will come tumbling through that slider any time now."
"So, how did it go after we left last night?" Doc asked as I felt my body melt into the couch further, the medications beginning to take hold as my muscles released their tension.
I hummed, "I think it's going to be a long process." I looked to Remington where a deep sadness was evident on his expression. I reached for his hand while continuing, "We realized last night as well that Benji needs to mourn the loss of Reese as well as figure out all the dynamics of his new family, so that's something else we will have to work out."
Doc let out a soft sigh, mouth drawn and brow furrowed at my words. "I didn't even consider that."
"Neither did I," Remington replied. He shrugged, unsure expression on his face as his eyes darted between us, "Doc, I don't know how to fix this. I'm still grieving Reese so how do I talk about my brother without getting upset?"
She looked at me with a warm smile, answering softly, "You take your time and let Alice here help you out."
He squinted at her then looked to me, face melting into a more gentle gaze before he replied, "Well, I'm glad you're on my side, Lissy."
I sighed, annoyance clear in my voice now that I could freely express myself without teenage ears around to listen. "I'm just exhausted of all the reliving." After sitting up straighter to stretch my back I continued, "Every time we talk about memories it's like opening the wound that I thought had healed. It's not that I mind, of course... I just... I guess I'm just exhausted from reliving so much constantly...."
The honesty in my outburst did not surprise Doc or Remington. They just nodded along and seemed to understand my frustration. Remi slid closer and started massaging my back where it was previously cramping. I wiggled uncomfortably at the pressure but tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling while I breathed deeply to allow my body the chance to unwind.
All I could do was let myself try to relax and process.
Just trust him, dear girl... trust him...
Clara's voice in my mind cleared the cobwebs, my eyes blinking away tears as I straightened my spine and sat forward. "Thank you," I whispered, tucking my head to the side and looking toward Remington.
"Liss... you're not alone anymore..."
His husky voice rattled through my body, fingers flexing against the skin of my neck while he stared into my eyes. "I don't want to pressure you or ask anything more than what you already offer freely. Just keep being who you are and we can let things fall into place."
A hollow laugh left my mouth before I could stop it. Remi narrowed his eyes, "What?"
"Fall into place?" I used air quotes around his words and shook my head, anger now clear in every syllable I spoke, "That doesn't happen to me, Remi... it just doesn't."
He looked down to the couch, avoiding my gaze. I sighed and stood, unsure what to do besides leave the situation. My flight reflex kicked in but his hand caught me, stopping my movement.
"Alice, please... please give me a chance. Don't give up on me..."
There was a plea in his voice that made me fight back a sob. I stopped with a gasp, turning to face him fully. "What makes you think I'm giving anything up?"
Remington looked up from his seat and stared into my eyes, pausing before he spoke. "Because you're leaving..."
"Walking into the other room to give myself a little space isn't leaving." I kept my voice as calm and soft as I could, reaching to cradle his cheek with my palm. "I'm sorry I gave you that impression. Sometimes I just need physical space so my head doesn't feel so fuzzy."
He let out a long breath and reached forward, hugging me with his head against my stomach while my hands raked over his dark hair. We stayed like that a few moments before the sliding door opened and Peach came bounding inside, racing into the living room with the frisbee still in her mouth.
"Peachy girl!! That stays outside!!" Daisy chased her while laughing, "Sorry guys!"
My eyes stayed on Remi and I whispered, "I'm not leaving you... I promise."
Remington gave me a genuine smile, fear melting from his face, before he leaned over to pet Peach and grab the frisbee. She decided not to release but play tug instead so he chuckled while pulling against her strong grip.
I smiled at Daisy, "Are the guys coming inside?"
"Yep," she looked behind her to the door as Benji pushed Greg inside, "Greg was napping so Benji woke him up first."
We watched as they came inside, sweaty and overheated but happy after playing with the dog. Remington and I helped Greg to the bathroom in my room while Benji and Daisy got snacks ready. By the time we returned to the kitchen, Doc had an entire platter of watermelon cut along with soft sugar cookies we purchased at the grocery store. I could feel the pain medication and muscle relaxer kicking in and grabbed a bowl to pile high with fruit before snagging a cookie.
"Thanks for getting snacks together, guys!" I grinned, biting into my cookie and moaning lightly at the delicious flavor. Remington watched as I licked my lips, cleaning frosting from them, before he snapped out of his trance and got a snack for himself.
This feels more comfortable. Like somehow we unlocked a new achievement in our relationship now that he sees that walking away does not mean abandoning him.
Like his mother did.
The thought crept into my mind and my eyes widened, mouth open at the realization. Doc caught my eye and squinted toward me, "You okay, Lissy?"
I smiled, raising my eyebrows and giving a huge grin, "Great! Meds are kicking in so I'm gonna go sit down before I can't walk."
A chorus of laughter was behind me as I made my way back to the couch. Peach was already in my seat but scooted over so I could curl up in the corner and set down my bowl. "What should we watch, girl?"
She sighed and laid her head on my leg, finally tired from playing hard in the summer sun. I laughed while I scrolled Netflix for an easy family friendly movie to throw on, choosing "A Wrinkle in Time," and queuing it up for everyone when they returned.
This is our new normal, and I can make it work.
I just need to trust Remington... and myself.
That may be the biggest struggle of all.