I'm sitting outside a small coffee shop in London, waiting for Harry. Our phone call two weeks ago helped both of us.
Apparently he got clean, we've been texting a little. He told me he was trying his hardest to stay clean and keep it that way.
I'm scared to see him, I'm sitting here petrified as to what he has to say and what I'm going to say.
I'm twenty minutes early, Z was surprised that I was up and ready early this morning.
I've been doodling, little drawings of bodies, and other little drawings. A lot of them are inspired by Harry but I'm trying to push that in the back of my mind, this little journal comes with me everywhere.
I take a sip of my coffee, carrying on my doodles. Then I hear the doorbell jingle and I nearly break my neck to look at the door to see if it's him but it's not.
I get back to my journal, not bothering to look at the door anymore. I'm early and Harrys never been one for meeting people early. He is always precise when it comes to timing.
I have no idea how today going to go, I need to make sure we stay in a public area as I know if it's me and him in an isolated area, I'll be tempted by him, I do miss his touch, not in a sexual way, it was more the little hair strokes, back rubs and stolen touches every now and then.
I miss him entirely, I've spent just over a month processing everything, I think I can do this, help him get out. I want him to get out, there's more to this story then Niall let on, but I need Harry to tell me the full story.
As I'm in my own little world, a ring-clad hand covers a page in my journal. I know it's Harry, the initial rings and the tattoo, he's painted his nails purple, he's never painted his nails in front of me before.
"Cherry?" I shut my eyes, taking in a deep breath, then I look up at him, he looks beaten literally. What happened to his face, he has faint bruises and a cut lip.
"What happened?" On instinct I go and touch his face but pulling my hand away at the last second, I can't touch him.
"Niall lost it on me, but I deserved it." Did Niall tell Harry what he told me? Or did something else happen.
"Over what?" I have a slight clue over why he lost his shit on Harry but he doesn't need to know that.
"Alicia cheated on him and some other things but I don't know the full story. We haven't spoken since it happened."
"Makes sense."
"Anyway, what were you doodling in this thing." he points to my closed black journal. I know he saw what I was doing, he's trying to figure out why there were two people in each drawing.
"Just little things from my brain."
"You wrote our initials underneath a sexual drawing?"
"Just stop, this is not what we need to talk about." he smirks then his face falls when I tell him he needs to stop.
"You're right, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, we do need to talk about what we are going to do though Harry." I have no clue what to do. As much as I know I need to get away from him, there's this irrational part of me that wants to be with him, that needs to be with him.
"And what do you want?" the word you, is on the tip of my tongue, I wish I could just blurt out how I feel but I know that, that will solve nothing for us.
"I don't know, all I know is I'm done hiding away in Zayn's spare room feeling sorry for myself, because my boyfriend lied to me." shit.
"Boyfriend huh?"
"Instinct, anyway. I'm over feeling bad about myself, so if we do this we need to be honest and trust each other."
"What do you mean?"
"I want to know everything, every minor detail no matter how insignificant you think it is, I need to know, I need to know if I can handle it."
"And what if you can't?" he stirs his coffee, tapping his rings on the table top.
"That's something I battle when we get to it." I have no idea what I'm going to do if I can't handle it.
"Okay..so what now?" Why must he ask all the questions? Does he expect me to know everything? I have no idea what I'm doing. This is only the second time I've left the house since we sort of broke up.
"I want to know everything, and I mean everything, from how you know Niall to when Niall left, like I need to know okay." I'm trying not to talk really fast or ramble on about everything, he needs to be able to talk.
"I can do that, but not here."
"Why not?" I can't be alone with him, I don't think I'm strong enough to be in a room alone with him.
"It's a public area and what you want to know cannot be discussed in public, so come on." he gets up, pays the bill and then walks out of the little cafe.
He has got a valid point, but where are we going to go? I can't go back to his house, I want to see Goose, I should at least ask about him.
I follow Harry out of the cafe, he walks over to his car opening the passenger door for me, he stands there gesturing for me to get into the car, I swallow my nerves back and walk over to the car and slide into the passenger seat.
He shuts the door behind me, walking round to his side. He slides into his seat and starts to drive, neither of us saying anything, I have no idea where he is taking us, hopefully not back to his place.
"Where are we going?"
"Somewhere quiet." That really narrows it down, but I'm guessing that isn't going to be his place considering how close his neighbours get.
We drive for about forty minutes before Harry pulls into this dirt track car park, it's quiet. No cras in sight, it's just cliffs and grass, you can see the sun set from this place.
"It's pretty." he unlocks his seatbelt, turning his body to face me. I do the same, now me and him are just looking at each other, the urge I have to lean over and kiss him, just once more.
I decide against the kiss, not needing to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I need honesty, we both need to start again.
"Let's start again okay?, from the beginning." he nods at me.
"Harry Styles, nice to meet you!" he holds out his hand for me to shake.
"Luna Harding." We shake hands, he has the biggest smile plastered across his face, I try to suppress my smile, but I falter, both of us grinning like a damn Cheshire cat.
"Lovely to meet you Miss.Harding, what do you do?"
We rattled on about our professions and education. I found out Harry has a business and IT degree from the University of Roehampton, which I never knew about. I mean I knew about his business degree but I had no clue about him being good at IT.
He already knew about my english and business degree and all the volunteer work I've done during my stint at university, it's odd to have a general conversation with him that doesnt end in an argument or sex.
We recap all the things we already knew about each other, such as his dog and his family life. I tell him about my family but leave out Jack. I'm enjoying this small talk and I'm not ready to ruin that just yet.
I know I need to bring up Jack, that is the whole point of us starting again. To find that trust in each other again, to possibly re-build with him.
"Any other hobbies Mr.Styles." he sighs and slumps into the seat, we both know what I mean by that, it's time for the fall of my emotions.
"Yes, I'm in a gang, not a massive London gang but big enough that it's known all over the united kingdom, it's called Arcane.'' That one word has my heart shattering already, and this is only the beginning.
"What exactly is your role?" I don't know why I'm speaking like some fifties housewife who is scared of her husband.
"Torture" straight to it, no interrogation this time, he's so open and nonchalant about the whole thing as if he doesn't feel remorse.
What do I even reply to that?, how can I just sit here and not act as if I don't care about the fact that this man is a murderer.
"Why, why that job?" Why was he chosen? Or why did he choose to work this job?
"I was twenty one, needed the money. I was empty and felt nothing at the time so Jack thought it would be a good fit considering how numb I am to violence, I was never given a choice, it was a good source of money for a lad who had fuck all" he doesn't look at me when he speaks.
He stays looking out at the view, chest rises and falls as he racks his brain in order to continue speaking.
"It wasn't as if I chose this specific job myself, I was thrown into this with no warning, as much as I know it's wrong I can't feel remorse for the people I kill, I get set a task and then I do it, getting my money and leave. I always look up the men after and they never have any family, and I never kill women or children" that makes everything okay then, god!
"Luna listen, I know this is a lot to take in but I don't get a choice, if I did I wouldn't kill them"
"You do get a choice, you knew six years ago what this was, how can you sit and say you never got a choice when it's pretty clear that you did, I mean for Niall got out for fuck sake."
"That's a whole different story, Niall wasn't as good as I am, he couldn't differentiate between the Job and life. He was too sensitive, that's why we worked together for four years, because I wasn't sensitive."
"And that makes it okay, do you want a medal for the fact that you can't feel emotions, that you're some empty vessel, how am I meant to be with you if you don't have emotions" why can't he see that?
"I do have emotion for certain things, I've just been trained not to get attached to these things, I do my job and get out, I do feel things." He turns over to me, placing his hand over my heart.
"That, I feel you. I feel all of you" I don't bother to pull his hand away, I like the way he feels against my skin.
"Luna, the way I feel with you is nothing I can describe, you are something else entirely." I'm not sure how to feel about that.
"That doesn't change who you are Harry, I'm aware that what you do is for money, or some other fucked up plan, but why, there is more to this and you aren't telling me." He removes his hand and runs his finger through his hair.
"I wanted to do it okay, I found out what I was going to be doing and I agreed knowing full well I'd have to kill people, that's not in Jack that's on me. Your uncle just gave me a little incentive."
"Oh do enlighten me." I cross my arms over my chest.
"The twins" he swallows, his brothers?
"What about your Brothers"
"He threatened them, Dave was in debt and Jack threatened the twins" holy shit!
"But you paid the debt off? So why didn't you leave after that? Wait, does Dave know?"
"I paid the debt but Jack still hung the twins over me, and I know I'm not close to them but they're still my brothers, I'd die before anyone touched them"
I place my hand over Harry's, I start to play with the rings he has on today.
"Dave doesn't know about arcane, but he does know Jack and knows that I'm involved with him, Dave thinks I'm a male escort. Apparently that's all I'd excel is, is selling my body"
"Sex work is still work, so even if you did that. Who is he to judge? You've got an amazing body." I know now is not the time for compliments but it's true.
"I know, I never corrected him, I don't care what he thinks."
"How does Dave know Jack?"
"I have no clue, he'd never tell me probably through poker though or drinking."
"Which means he knows my father, maybe that's why he hated me" it's likely he knew who I was.
"Fuck, I never thought of that, I mean I know Jack knows about me and you and I've been avoiding him."
"Harry, what's going to happen to you?" What if Jack kills him? How is this my life?
"Nothing, he needs me to kill Chris, so until I do that he won't touch me."
"And are you going to kill Chris?"
"I have no idea, the longer Chris is alive, the safer I am, so I'm hoping he stays in hiding."
I'm scared, what if Jack gets to him or gets someone else to kill Chris. I don't want him to die.
I'm sat here racking my brain, I can't lose him, he's the only one I've got. My whole family hates me, they think I'm a disappointment.
I mean my dad hits me and my brother hates me, my mum acts as if I'm hardly her daughter.
Harry treats me like a human being, he sees me for who I am. I am no where near okay with what he does, but I love this man.
I want to help him, I need to keep him safe. I know what I have to do, I need to go to Jack myself, I know I've been warned not to, but Harry has more on the line here than I do.
He has his twin brothers, my family simply works best without me in it, he can rekindle his relationships. Mine are too far gone.
I say fuck it in my head, I quickly manoeuvre over the centre console and straddle Harry, he seems stunned at the quick movement.
"I need to feel you" I place my hands on his face, admiring him, even though he looks busted he still looks sexy to me.
"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
"Harry, I need you"
"I just said you got me"
"No, I need you" I look at him, hoping he understands what I mean, I know he just understands what I mean.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" I place my lips over his, my god it's nearly been two months without his touch.
He places his hands on my hips, grinding my body against him.
Our tongues tangle together. We kiss as if we've never met, I can't get closer to him, we separate out lips, both of us panting.
He kisses down my jaw, all the way down my neck. I let out little whimpers as he sucks and nips at my skin. I've missed this feeling, this makes me feel alive.
I'm glad I wore a low cut flowy dress today, he pulls at my dress exposing my breasts to him, thank god for my thought process that women don't need to wear bras.
"My god i've missed these" he takes a nipple into his mouth, his warm tongue swirls over my pebbled nipple.
I grab the back of his head and push his head closer to me, he grabs at my ass, the roughness he uses makes me wet to the core.
I pull his head away from my breast, hearing the popping sound as he lets my nipple out of his mouth.
"Luna are you sure"
"Harry I need you to fuck me, I need to feel you In me" I lift his top slightly, exposing his fern tattoos. I run my hand over them.
"Are you sure about this Harry?"
"Fuck yes, now lift yourself" I place a hand in the window and slightly stand, Harry takes my underwear off.
Trying to take off underwear in a cramped car is hard, but I'm glad we can laugh at this. He takes off my underwear and pockets it.
"Look at you, glistening all for me. Cherry, I want a taste." He swipes a finger through my folds. Making my groan at the contact. He takes his finger and sucks on the wetness he collected.
"Taste just like cherries"
"Enough of the talking and get inside me" he tsks at me, shaking his finger.
I unbuckle his belt, pulling down his jeans and his cock springs up, pre-cum leaks from his tip.
"Impatient little slut"
I grab his face in my hand.
"No Harry, right now you are at my mercy. My desperate little whore, now open your mouth."
He looks a little shocked then gathers his composure, opening his mouth for me, I drop the spit into his mouth, he groans as he watches me.
I shut his mouth and watch him swallow my spit.
"Such a good boy"
"Fuck Luna, what are you doing to me."
"Hopefully getting piped well" I can't help but laugh at the use of my language, it really doesn't work for me.
He shakes his head at me, trying to cover his laugh.
"I know, I know, now shut up"
"I didn't say anything"
"You don't need to, your whole meh says it for you" he glances down at our bodies, my knees resting at his side as his dick stands proud.
"My meh, don't insult him"
"Oh I'm not insulting the big boy, in fact I'm quite partial to him." I stroke his shaft, gently gliding my thumb over the tip.
He hisses at the contact, I bite my bottom lip. He is hot when he groans from my touch.
I grab the base of his cock and position myself over him, not being slow, I slam my body down on him. Both of us gasp at the rough contact.
"Fuck, don't move" he grips my hips, making sure I don't move.
"Why?"
"If you move this is game over" ohh!
"Harry I need to move, this is too much" he screws his eyes shut taking a deep breath.
"Move" I start grinding against him, he open his eyes. Watching me as I bounce up and down on him. Hitting my spot each time.
"That's it baby, use me, take what you need" that sultry tone eggs me on more.
the windows are steamed up, I place my hand on the fogged up window, as he starts to moves his hips to drill into me.
"Fuck Harry, I'm so close" he then takes a nipple init his mouth, I drop my head back as he works his magic on both of my breasts.
The noise of our skin slapping together echoes in the car, I bring my head up, grabbing Harry and smash my lips on his.
Swallowing each other's moans as we keep the pace the same, I bring my arm behind Harry's head to steady myself.
"UHHHHH, fuck right there" my hand is thrown up to hold the roof of the car, as he starts to slow his movements, we are both close.
"OHHHHH, Yes" i stop moving but Harry keeps drilling into me until he's finished, he grunts as he empties himself in me.
I'm so sensitive right now, but the power my body has over him is stronge
Resting his head against my bare shoulder, both of us trying to catch our breath as he's still inside me.
"Harry that was"
"Electric, perfect"
"Both, fuck" I move my wet hair out of my face, and slowly move myself off of him and back it I the other seat.
He pulls up his trousers, and I straighten out my black dress.
"What does this mean Luna?" I knew he was going to ask that, I was thinking it myself.
"It means, we do this slowly okay, I know we just had sex but I needed that but now we start to get to know each other again"
"Sounds good to me, we've already done the introductions my love, so how about a date?" A date?
"Like a real one?"
"Yes as in dinner where we both dress up, usually what a date entails"
"Smartass but yes I'd love to" he smiles at my agreement, I'm actually doing this.
I'm actually going to keep seeing him considering what I know, well I'm going to talk to my uncle and see what I can do.
I need to get Harry out, jf Jack can't understand that then I'll have to figure something else out.
I want a future with Harry and I can't have that if he's still tied to my family, or this gang. I also need to see my father and see what he knows.
Maybe I'll go to Max as well, but that could be a bad idea, let's do one thing at a time.
"What's got you thinking so hard over there."
"Just life."
After today, I have no idea what's going to happen. My plan is to get Harry out, I have nothing to lose, he has everything.