TW// Self-harm, suicidal actions.
Please read with caution.
After Harry and I broke up I felt numb. I didn't cry, I felt nothing. I blocked all my emotions out and the scariest thing is I can't get them back. I moved in with Niall and Athena after I was released. Slapping a fake smile on your face can get you a long way.
Niall knew I wasn't any better. He could see through the fake smiles easily but he never pushed me to be happy. Caroline has been around a lot recently. Having finally graduated from high school she moved in here. I always thought she was going to go to college but she decided not to at the last minute as Niall brought up his concern about her leaving and him not being around to protect her.
Caroline and I have been catching up recently on everything that's happened these past three months. She knows about what happened to me the first time I went missing, and she knows about my most recent kidnapping.
Caroline knows everything that has happened to me. I made her swear she wouldn't tell Niall or anyone else. She updates me on what's happening around the base. She was inducted a couple of days ago so she won't be around as much anymore which I don't mind.
Athena is finishing up school. Apparently, there's a population of kids that live here because their parents are in the gang so she goes to class with 5 other kids which is nice.
Caroline was telling me how at graduation they gave my mom my diploma and they had dedicated graduation to me. My mom has also been working with people to try and open a scholarship in my name.
She wants to call it the Hope Anderson Memorial Scholarship where the money will go to one student majoring in criminal justice to help pay for their education. I thought it was sweet and I'm glad now that there's a chance someone could do what I'd be doing if my life was normal.
The voices have gone away for the most part. Only coming back when they feel like I haven't been suffering enough. I confided in Caroline and told her about what was happening and she suggested I talk to my doctor and have him maybe up the meds. He said that when I finish this bottle, he'll change the prescription, and then I'll have to get used to the hormonal imbalances again.
As for Harry and I, we're done. I knew that it was too good to be true but I tricked myself into thinking it could work.
But there's nothing I can do.
That's just the way life is.
Ever since I got back all my days consist of laying in bed, watching Netflix, falling asleep, and eating. I mean it's probably what I would've done anyways but knowing I have no one to hold me, talk to me, kiss me, makes it harder. I sigh and get up out of bed turning off the tv getting myself ready to look presentable.
Today will be the day I ask.
I grab my clothes putting on leggings and a long sleeve t-shirt. I'm still not comfortable wearing anything that exposes my skin. At least I can look at myself now with barely any clothes on. I brush my hair, throwing it into a messy bun as I walk downstairs. I see Caroline sitting on the couch and I wave to her. "
Hey, where's Niall?" I ask and she just shrugs.
"Work like usual. Where are you going?" she asks, looking at my outfit and then back to the tv.
"Going to go talk to my dad." I hum and she nods.
"Okay have fun." She mumbles her attention on the tv.
I walk out of Niall's apartment heading to the elevator, getting in, and pushing my dad's floor. I wait the 30 seconds it takes to get to his floor before walking out of the elevator and down the hallway to his office. I hear voices talking so I knock on the door waiting for a response.
"Come in!" he yells and I twist the doorknob opening it meeting his eyes. "Hey Hope, what can I do for you?" he questions and I look at the seat opposite to him seeing Harry sitting down.
"Oh um didn't know you were busy, I can come back later." I say getting ready to leave.
"Oh it's no trouble, come in please." he tells me. I nod my head weakly closing the door behind me and he waves his hand for me to speak.
"Uh, I wanted to ask you something." I say breaking eye contact and playing with my hands.
"I want to leave. I can't be here anymore." I tell him and I'm met with a loud boom. I jump in shock when his voice hits my ears.
"What! Hope are you stupid!" Harry yells at me, I look up to see him standing now, I swear I could see steam blowing out of his ears.
"Calm down Harry." My dad defends me seeing me in my shocked state before turning to me.
"Why do you want to leave?" he asks, looking like he's considering it.
"I just can't be here anymore. Everything is a trigger to me. I know I can never go home, but I know where I can go. Please, Dad, I need this." I explain and I hear a scoff.
"Are you seriously considering this?" Harry spits at my dad, "She won't be safe anywhere but here." Harry looks like he's about to explode and I'm not having it.
"Harry shut the fuck up, you have no say on what happens in my fucking life.'' My voice is full of venom and he's starting to get me angry. He turns to look at me, his eyes boring into mine.
"Yes the fuck I do." he grits out and if I could smack his face I would.
"No, you don't. You lost that right when we ended things." I tell him. His hand smacks down onto the desk, and I jump.
My mind is going back to its dark place. I bring my hands up, holding the sides of my head and squeezing my eyes shut. I can feel my breathing change as I try to shut out the flashbacks going through my head.
"Hope!" my dad yells and I hold my hand out stopping him from coming closer to me.
"I can't do this anymore!" I scream at them, opening my eyes to see them just staring at me in worry. Tears fill my eyes and I whisper "I can't do this."
I run out of his office letting the tears stream down my face. I hear them calling for me to come back but I ignore them running into the elevator and going back to the apartment.
I run in avoiding Caroline and Athena's questions, running into my room, locking the door, and throwing a chair under the handle so they can't open it. I hear them banging and calling for me but I ignore it as I run my hands through my hair.
I let out a scream as the voices began to flood my mind again. I run into the bathroom turning the shower on as hot as it can go, plugging the drain to let the tub fill up.
"Just stop!" I scream as I run back to the door, locking it and putting one of the storage bins in front of the door. Putting it in a way the only way to get in would be to remove the door. I go under the shower letting the burning water fall onto my clothes. My skin begins to turn an angry red and I hear even more pounding on the bedroom door.
"Hope!" Niall's voice screams for me and I hear more pounding. The voices scream louder at me, the pain of my burning skin not being enough.
This is how my life is going to be. Two weeks of remission before having to go back to the hospital. They should make a permanent room for me at this point.
I hear wood splintering and a loud bang and I know they've got the bedroom door down.
"Hope! Why are you doing this! Open the door!" Niall yells at me and I sink further back into the water.
Only a little bit more.
"Stop pounding on the door and maybe I'll fucking tell you." I yell back and the banging ceases.
"I don't want to experience the pain of death, you know. I'd rather go peacefully and not in pain. But somehow the pain of living seems worse. Maybe death will hurt less than life." I say as the water level gets higher. "Niall, you know I love you right?" I ask and I hear a chuckle.
"Yeah, I do."
"Good." I say back before fully submerging myself into the water.
I hear him calling for me and more voices yell for me. As the water filled my lungs the corners of my vision turned black. The sound of people yelling and banging getting muffled.
They say when you die you have 7 minutes of brain activity left.
7 minutes of going through memories.
I see my family happy, I see Niall and me as kids playing together, Caroline and I at sleepovers, 8th-grade graduation, junior prom, and Harry.
I let the memories wash over me like a wave. I know that I won't succeed, that someone will bring me back. But right now I feel the happiest that I've been in a month.
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hey guys! so these chapters all deal with serious issues. please know that i am here for you. i love each and everyone of you so so much. stay alive for me :)