A/N: to clear up any confusion these chapters take place in different months. So this one is in the middle of May and next chapters will be in middle of June :)
After my breakdown, I was admitted to the hospital and put under 24-hour surveillance for the first week. The first couple of days they had to keep me restrained because I would keep ripping the stitches open to make the voices stop.
I also had to be monitored in the shower because Harry had told them about the incident where I nearly burned myself with how hot the water was.
Apparently, that's a form of self-harm. While I've been here they diagnosed me with PTSD and clinical depression. Basically, all they can do is shove medication down my throat and hope that it works. Breaking news, it's not working.
The voices are still screaming in my head. Yeah, they're not as loud as they used to be but they still haven't stopped. The doctors also told me to stay away from possible triggers and to surround myself with things that make me happy.
Well, there's the problem. Everywhere I look is a trigger to me in some way and the one thing that made me happy doesn't want to be around me anymore.
Harry has been distant. Only coming to bring me clothes and to see what my progress is but other than that, what we had is now gone.
I guess I can't even blame him.
I don't want to be around me too.
Now I'm just waiting to be released. Every time they come in and ask me how I'm doing I lie and say that I'm doing fine, that I can't wait to get back home.
When in reality, I don't want to go back. It's just a painful reminder of what we once were. Of what has happened to me.
As I look out the window I wonder how it would feel if I could just jump. Would it be peaceful? Would I feel any pain?
"Hope?" my head registers the voice but I continue my long stare out the window.
"What?" I whisper, laying my head against the back of the wall.
"They're talking about discharging you at the end of the day if you're okay." He says and I hear footsteps getting closer. I silently put my hand up telling him to stop moving closer to me.
"Okay," I respond putting my hand back in my lap before looking down and picking at my nail beds.
"Hope, stop that," Harry says but I continue picking, hissing in pain when I start to bleed. Hands grab mine making me jump and look up in fear, flashes of Andrew and Gabe go through my mind and I pull my hands back, pushing myself closer to the wall.
"I'm sorry," I whispered repeatedly, hugging my knees closer to my chest. After I calm down somewhat I see Harry looking at me with guilt and sorrow in his eyes.
"Don't look at me like that," I tell him getting up from the window and walking into the bathroom to change and try to look like an actual human being.
"Like what?" he questions leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed as I brush the knots out of my hair.
"Like I'm broken. I don't need to be reminded all the time, I already know I am." my voice is soft and I look in the mirror seeing him giving me the same look.
"You're still doing it." I put down the hairbrush, brushing past him to get my clothes.
"It's not like I mean to do it. And you're not broken," he grumbles and I scoff
"Yeah if I'm not broken then why the fuck am I here?" I grab the biggest shirt I can find and a pair of sweatpants before opening the other drawer to get my undergarments. I see a pair that looks similar to the ones I was wearing when I was taken and I begin to grip the drawer.
I try to push away the memories but they all come flooding through. Andrews hands on me, Gabe pulling off my bra. I don't even realize what I've done until Harry is in front of me pulling my hand away from the splintering wood.
"Hope what the fuck!" he nearly yells and I just stare at my hand in shock. He looks at my hand but I pull away just shrugging my shoulders and picking up the clothes I dropped.
"It's nothing, don't worry about it." I begin to walk away when his hand grabs my arm pulling me back.
"Get your hands off of me," I order him my voice laced with venom. I pull my arm out of his grip, walking away again and heading to the bathroom. I close the door, getting changed, and walking back out to see him sitting silently on my bed.
"When they let me out tell Niall or someone else to get me." my voice whispers, not wanting to hurt him, but I can't do this anymore.
He's my trigger.
They conditioned me to see him as a trigger. He can't even touch me without me freaking out on him. He looks up at me in shock, he begins to shake his head.
"What? Why?" he questions and I break our eye contact looking at my hands again.
"Because I'm a basket case, Harry. I'm never going to get better. Everything triggers me. You should just leave me while you can. I'm sparing both of us the pain." I whisper beginning to pick at my nails again avoiding eye contact.
"Hope, I'm in this for the long run. You'll get better, I know it," he says and I can tell he's about to break down.
"You don't get it, Harry. You are my trigger. Men are my trigger. Every time I feel a man's hands on me I freak out because I get taken back to the fucking cell of being abused and assaulted. There was shit you don't even know about that happened down there. I physically and emotionally can't fucking do this anymore." I breakdown, wiping away my tears of anger.
"I don't want you to have to deal with me because I'm not going to get better. And even if I do get out of here, how much longer until I get triggered again? Until I hurt someone? Until I hurt myself? Until I hurt you?" I blink away the tears sniffling, standing up.
I look Harry in the eyes waiting for him to respond. He stays silent so I speak up again, my voice cracking.
"You don't know Harry. And I can't put myself through the risk of you giving up on me when I don't get better and I have to be disappointed even more. And-" I'm interrupted by him standing up bounding over to me grabbing my face and making me look in his eyes.
"I won't ever give up on you, Hope. I couldn't." He whispers and I almost believe him.
"You will. Everyone does at some point. My mom did when I came out as bi. My dad did when he left us. Athena did when Grayson died. Niall did at some point because we'll never be the same. I'm a burden, Harry. I realized that I trusted everyone but came out on the other side with no one." I tell him pulling out of his grip and he looks at me, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before he finally speaks.
"I would never give up on you Hope because I love you." He breathes out and my body goes into shock.
I want to tell him I love him too.
I want to run into his arms and kiss him until I lose my breath.
That's what I want.
I muster up all the courage in my body knowing once I say what I say, he'll give up on me.
He'll hate me.
That I'll lose everyone that cares about me.
And that's what they want. They want me to be alone.
"But I don't love you," I whisper looking him in the eyes and that's when I see it.
The flip of the switch. His world shattering.
He inhales deeply letting out a shuddering breath.
"Fine. Guess you were right. You're just a basket case." He spits at me before leaving the room slamming the door.
I stood in shock at his words but I deserved it.
I knew that if he truly loved me he would've fought for me but he didn't.
I was right. Maybe I did love him more than he loved me.
I go back to the bed sitting on it with my knees curled up to my chest. I want to cry, but I can't. I just feel numb.
And just like that, they found happiness in my pain.
They had finally won, leaving my brain in silence.
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sorry for the late chapter it's my last week of school so i'm busy with that and then senior skip day was yesterday and my friends and i went to the beach and we all got burnt to a crisp. my body has never been in so much pain 😂.