IAN'S POV:
I woke up earlyish. Janel had no clocks anywhere in the apartment, and since my phone was in the other room, I had no idea what time it was. I couldn't even guess. The sky was gray outside, so I couldn't get a hint from the lighting of the sun.
Seeing Janel when I opened my eyes was a dream come true. It took me a second to get conscious, but when I realized that I was most likely in bed with Janel, my eyes exploded open to see if I was right.
And I was. There she was. The woman who held my heart in her hands, and could either squeeze it till it popped and deflated, or she could press it into her chest, and join it with her own heart, so they were both one together.
I had no fucking CLUE which one she'd chose to do. But if I could just be near her, I'd settle for waiting, and take in every second of life with her that I could get, just in case my time to be with her ended.
I watched her sleep. She seemed content now. Not like last night. Man, she was loud! I wondered how many neighbors she'd woken up. What a horrible night terror that must have been. Poor girl.
I looked down because I saw a lump of skin. Yeah, her tit was hanging out of the top of the cover.
God, how badly I wanted to touch it. I'd have to settle for just staring at it. What a beautiful tit it was, too. A perfect tear drop shape.....full and perky....
I had to stop. I couldnt. It was too much. I gently pulled her cover up over her tit, and put it out of my mind. I wondered if this would be like before, when I couldn't touch her.
I SOOOO didn't want to be back at that point again.
But....I wanted to be with her, so I'd have to play whatever game her brain was tricking her into playing. She loved me. She wanted me. Why couldn't she just BE WITH ME????? Then, when we finally found out who fucked up our lives like this, she'd know it was all nothing.
I was tired of beating a dead horse on that subject. She just wouldn't believe me. And it was starting to look like she never would. EVER.
I felt a twinge of sadness settle into my belly.
And Janel opened her eyes and looked right at me.
"Why are you in here Ian! I told you.....I.................WHY, Ian? Why are you doing this to me? You said you'd be here to help me! Not try and get with me every second!" she yelled at me.
"Babe...you had a bad dream last night. I woke up to you screaming at the top of your voice! I came in and woke you up, and you cried on my chest, and fell asleep there. So l layed you down and layed next to you." I told her the story.
"Why didn't you just go back to the couch?" she said coldly.
"BeCAUSE, your nightmare consisted of you screaming "Ian, please don't leave me, I love you", over and over and over, thank you very fucking much. And if you don't believe me, knock on a neighbor's door. I'm absolutely SURE they heard it. Probably the entire apartment building heard it." I lost my patience a little. I had to NOT do that, or I'd ruin all my chances of being here, and winning back her love. Fuck. It just bothered me so damn much that she WANTED ME, but wouldn't let herself HAVE me!! DAMMIT JANEL!!!! I just wanted to shake her silly, till her brain rattled around and clicked into the right mode, and forgave me. For nothing.
"I said that?" she asked.
"No. You SCREAMED IT. Over and over. And over." I answered, sarcastically.
"Well someone's a grumpy asshole today. You can leave if you want to. I'm not having a nightmare NOW." she scolded me. This was NOT working out. I HAD to be patient and not let my frustrations come out.
"I'm sorry Janel. I don't want to leave. Please, don't tell me to. I'm just so frustrated that you KNOW you love me. You KNOW you want me. You say it when you're drunk. You say it in your sleep. But YOU just won't let yourself be happy and HAVE ME, when I'm right here, with open arms, waiting, hoping, dying inside, trying to hold in all the love I feel every second for you, and I'm not allowed to give it to you. I'm just a little frustrated.
By the way, I covered your tit that was hanging out earlier.
Cause I wouldn't want to touch my girlfriend, or anything. She doesn't WANT to be touched." I was failing, and epically.
I got up and left the room. I had to stop. I had made love to Janel last night. I slept with her in bed. In my arms. This is MORE than what I thought I'd get, and here I was, all pissed off and irritated?
She was gonna kick me out in the freezing cold if I didn't get a handle on myself.
Maybe I couldn't do this. Maybe I couldn't be here for her. Maybe I couldn't be this close to her, and NOT be WITH her. Maybe I couldn't handle this. It was maybe too much for me to take.
I found myself pacing back and forth in the kitchen. Fists shaking in the air, taking deep stress relieving breaths in, and blowing them out slowly. I was fucking losing it. What the fuck was wrong with me? I guess there's only so much I can take, before I blow up.
Janel came out, dressed in pajama pants and a tee shirt. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched me, until I noticed her there. "Just don't. Don't say anything. I obviously can't take it." I said before she said anything.
"I was only going to thank you for stopping my bad dream. I remember it now. I believe you that I probably screamed in my sleep. Thank you." she said, and turned to walk away.
"What was the dream?" I asked before she got away.
She stopped in her tracks, and didn't look back at me.
"Never mind. I know what it was anyway. Everyone in this building does." I told her.
She looked back at me now, with a quick, nasty look, and turned and walked out.
Epic fail! Nice going Ian! You are being so fucking SMOOTH today, I can't get over it!
You FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I balled my fist up, and my mind searched quickly for something to hit. But somehow, I caught myself and calmed my anger. I'd never done that before. I clenched my lips together, nearly biting through them, closed my eyes, and stretched my hands out, out of the fists they had been shaped into.
"Don't fuck this up Ian. Don't. Fuck. This. Up." I pep talked myself lowly. "You'll never get her back this way. She won't even want you back when she DOES find out you're innocent."
"How am I gonna find that out?" I heard in the doorway. I spun around, busted talking to myself.
Well, maybe her hearing me say I was innocent when I thought no one was listening, would help her to believe me. Or not. Knowing her.
"You'll find it out. I don't care if it takes till we're 70. I'll find the person. And you'll see. You'll see how much useless, unneeded torture and pain you put us both through, because you wouldn't trust me." I said.
"FUCK!!!!! I'm SORRY! I'm so fucking moody today. And I don't know why. I think you got me pregnant last night, I swear. I'm sorry. I'll just not t..." Janel stopped me quickly, and had a concerned look on her face.
"Ian. I forgot to take my pills since the day this all started." she said, very seriously.
"Well, take them now, then. No bigg.......oh.......SHIT." I suddenly realized why she was so concerned.
"No. NO absolutely fucking NO." I said, feeling sick and dizzy now. I looked at her. She burst out in tears, and ran in and plopped on the couch, face down.
I ran in after her.
"Babe....I didn't mean that I wouldn't want to have a baby with you. I want your babies. I want us to have a family someday. And live in England in my house....it would be OUR house.....I just don't want kids YET!" I explained.
"I know. Neither do I." she sobbed.
"Oh thank God. I thought you were mad at me for.....well anyway.....what do we do? How can we make sure you're not pregnant?" I asked, suddenly feeling stupid and confused.
"We can't know until my period is due." how she knew this, I didn't know. But I believed her. She's the woman, after all.
"Ok. So....when's that?" I asked, anxiously.
"I don't know....like 10 more days or so." she said.
"So...we just go on like normal for 10 more days then? And if your period comes, we're all good? But if it doesn't.....?" I tried to get my head straight.
"If it doesn't, then I have NO idea what we do. But it will come. It HAS to come. We're not even together! I won't let my kids have a cheater for a father" Janel said.
OUCH??
I looked at her, and the hurt showed in my face. I could feel it sitting there.
"Do you want me to go, Janel? Maybe you don't love me. And I'm fucking this up anyway. I'm making it worse. You're making it worse....I shouldn't have come here." I said, feeling beaten down.
"I'm sorry Ian." she said.
But that wasn't enough. I walked past her, and went to the bedroom to get my rucksack and pack some clothes. I'd worn these clothes for about an entire WEEK now.
I'd go to the hotel and shower, change, and go back to England.
I packed my shit, and when I walked out of the bedroom to grab my phone, passport and wallet, she looked up at me from the couch and and gasped out loud.
"You're leaving?" she asked, looking shocked. And hurt.
"Yeah. I can't change your mind. I was stupid to think I could. You're too strong a woman. What always made me so proud of you, has now made me give up. I promised myself I wouldn't give up on you, but....I can't stand being this close to you, and not being able to touch you. To love you. To be WITH you. It's killing me. It's torture. If you change your mind, you have my number. And promise me that you will call me the second you get your period, ok? And if you DON'T get it, call me too. I will take care of you. I will do whatever you want to do about it. I will be there with you, no matter what choice you make, ok? And I won't lecture you or give you guilt or hate you. If you keep it, I'll take care of you both for the rest of your lives, and I pray that you would let me be a daddy to it. Because I couldn't live knowing there was a child in this world that came from my own body, that I couldn't be near and watch grow up. Promise me that?
Oh, and one more thing..... PLEASE...don't make any more videos intended to make me slit my fucking wrists, ok? Please don't do that to me. I'm already in enough pain. Give me just a LITTLE break, ok? I do NOT want to see you with other men. Not even shaking hands. That destroyed me. And it still does, to this very second.
I pray with all of my heart and soul that you will see my side and want me.
Because I love you Janel. With everything I have inside of me. But there's obviously no way to show you that, like you want to be shown. So I give up. And it's gonna hurt me physically, to walk out that door now. I'm stalling. Because I want to look at you for just one more second. And when that second's up, I say just ONE MORE......and.....God, I gotta go. Ok. I love you, baby. So much, it hurts more than anything in my entire life ever has....all put together." I told her, and I turned and walked out the door. I had to turn around and go quick, because she had tears running thickly down her face. Huge tears. They were literally huge. And they could easily suck me back in. But nothing was working out right. So I left.
I got to the bottom of the stairs, and to the mail boxes, when the lady I'd seen in the apartment next door a few times, turned to me and stopped me. "Excuse me....Ian? Is it?" she said.
"I'm sorry...I just can't give any autographs right now. I promise I'll get back to you...right now's just not a good time." I told her, trying to be nice.
"Autogr......what, are you famous or something?" she asked, confused.
"Heh....no. I'm...not. I was....just kidding. What's up?" I tried to joke my way out of it.
".........Oh. Well, yeah....um......I was wondering.....are you hurting that young girl in your apartment?" she asked in all seriousness.
"Hurting her? That depends...." I said, before she talked over me. What the hell did she mean?
"The reason I ask, is that for the past week, I'd say, maybe a day or two less or more, every single night, I hear screaming from next door. She's screaming "No Ian...No no no no Ian.....come back to me....help me..."
Now, I figured it was just a nightmare, but it's happening all the time now, and I'm still hoping it's a nightmare, but honestly, it's getting old now. I'm getting tired from not getting good sleep, now.
Is there anything you can do about it?" she asked.
FUCK.
She DID scream every night since I've been gone.
She was hurting even more than I knew. More than SHE knew, maybe!
"I'll try to stop it, ma'am. I think I know how. I was away for a few days....I think she has nightmares when I'm gone. So I'll try to fix that, ok? I'm really sorry about it, though. I really am." I told her.
I knew what I had to do.
This lady couldn't have had better timing.
I couldn't leave Janel, now. I couldn't believe I WAS leaving her! What the FUCK was I thinking???
I had come here from England, with hope and a sort of plan. And I wasn't gonna give up on Janel. EVER. So what the HELL was I doing with my bag packed, trying to leave her?
I turned to walk up the steps, and there, at the top, was Janel.
She stood there, wet face, chest going up and down with every strained, jagged breath, eyes droopy, and mouth slightly opened in a frown.
I stopped in my tracks.
"I was just coming back up, Janel. I can't leave you. Even if you want me to....that lady next door...." I said, before Janel cut me off.
"...Can hear me scream every night. I know. I heard everything." Janel said. "Apparently I'm no good at being without you." she added in.
That sounded like a hopeful statement....but I wouldn't assume anything. And I wouldn't give myself false hope.
I walked back up the steps, and I got brave, and reached out as I passed, and grabbed Janel's hand lightly, and pulled her with me down the hall to her apartment door.
I let her go in first, and I walked in and shut the door and locked it.
She wasn't fighting me staying. And she had cried when I left. Maybe this COULD work?
JANEL'S POV:
Hearing that lady in the apartment next door, really fucked with my head. And heart. I sort of remembered the dream from last night. But I didn't really believe Ian that I screamed like that. I still thought he just made it up as an excuse to be in bed with me.
Apparently I'm worse at being without Ian than I even knew.
That wasn't helping me stay strong and hold out for what I believed.
But I was soooooooo thankful that lady stopped Ian when she did. It's like she was sent from above, to be standing there at that exact moment, and make Ian turn around and come back.
Annnnd.....here I was, getting soft about him already.
"I guess you have to sleep in the bed with me at night. We can't let that poor lady suffer." I said.
"I guess so." Ian responded. "If you want to cuddle to me, just do it. If you want me to cuddle you, just ask. If you want me to stay the fuck away, just tell me, ok?" Ian told me the "rules".
"Ok." I said, sounding lackluster.
IAN'S POV:
Janel went into the bedroom and came out in a towel and went into the bathroom. While she was in the shower, Bonnie called her phone.
I didn't want to touch her phone, but I did want to talk to Bonnie. So I called her with my own phone.
I told her I was here, with Janel, and about Janel thinking she was dreaming when I walked in, and I told her we made love, because Janel thought she was dreaming it all, so it would be ok. But then she realized, and got mad and told me to leave, but I'm not giving up, I told Bonnie. I told Bonnie that I was extremely irritated today, and I started to leave and give up, but the lady next door told me that Janel screams at the top of her voice every single night since I've been gone. And I told her that she did it last night, so she was gonna let me sleep in the bed with her, so we can give the poor lady a break. And then I added in "Oh, and Janel has forgotten to take her birth control pills ever since all this happened, and last night during Janel's "dream", I came inside of her.
Bonnie was happy about everything I'd told her about, and told me there was hope yet, and encouraged me, but then when I told her about the missed pills and me...inside her.....she gasped, and there was total silence for a long time.
I knew she was still there, so I didn't say her name, or say "hello?". I simply waited to hear what she said next.
"When is her period due? Do you know? Does she know? She should know by the colors of the pills..." Bonnie finally said.
"She said it's due in about 10 days, so I guess we'll get a pregnancy test then." I told her.
"There's tests that can detect pregnancy earlier. I'll buy one, ok? And I'll bring it over next time I stop by..............It will be ok, Ian. I just know it will be. Don't stress. There's nothing you can do right now, right?" Bonnie said.
"Yeah. I already decided not to worry about it until we know. I got enough stress right now. Heh." I said, realizing that little "heh" I did, was the FIRST thing even resembling a laugh in about a week. God, I was tired and stressed and pissed off and bitter and heartbroken.
Janel got out of the shower, and went into the bedroom again.
I made some other calls I needed to make. I'd ignored life enough this week. I still did have a career to deal with. Stanley said he'd take care of everything for me for as long as he could. He'd tell people I had a family emergency to keep them off my back. But I felt bad, so I called him to check in and try to get back into dealing with life. Amazing how I felt motivated by just having Janel in the same apartment as me.
As I talked to Stan, I cooked a huge lunch/dinner type thing. Like, we could eat now, then have more later, for dinner. I knew neither of us would probably feel like cooking later. But I felt like my clothes were getting loose, and Janel...she was beginning to look like a crack addict. She even had the dark circles under her eyes. But then again, I'm sure I did, too. We were both equally fucked up.
The cure was so fucking simple....if only she'd believe in it........