JANEL'S POV:
I woke up the next late morning, and layed in bed as had become my usual routine now for the past few days. I didn't have anyone to cook for. And I certainly wasn't hungry. I snacked a little throughout the day, just enough to keep my blood sugar up and have a little bit in my stomach. Other than that....nothing. Some water...that's it.
I had been eyeing up the alcohol in the cabinet, though....I wonder.....
I went on all the usual social media sites that Ian set me up on with my phone.
I opened Twitter, and there, posted several times, it seemed everywhere as I scrolled down my feed, was a video of Ian Sheer's drunken night.
I clicked on one. I was shaking as it loaded, wondering what it would be. And who he'd be with. Would it be the girl from the naked pictures? I almost closed my phone and gave up. But I had to see it.
I think I just had to see HIM. But seeing HIM was a huge risk, because I might have my heart torn out of my chest, depending on what I saw.
The video finally came on and there was Ian. Walking on a street in what looked like London. Stan was holding his hand, holding him under one arm, holding him up....Ian walked all over the place, tripped over his own feet, his head was hanging low, and he looked pathetic. He looked like a sorry sight. Yep. He was drunk all right. But I'd never seen him this drunk, myself. He didn't look good.
He was in the same clothes he had worn here, last.
Ian tripped over a curb, and then some other guy ran up and helped Stan get him the rest of the way into the car. And then you could see in the car, Ian sat with his head down in his hands. He looked terrible. And sad.
I watched it a few times. It was good to see Ian, when he couldn't see me.
Tears ran down my cheeks as I watched it over and over.
Then I got a hold of myself and closed the video and scrolled down Twitter more.
Until I saw more videos and pictures of Ian.
This time he wasn't that drunk. It was inside a pub. And he was dancing with a woman.
It didn't look like the woman in the pictures. How many women does he have?
I guess that's part of being a rock star. He probably has women in every fucking town and country and state....
Then there was a picture of him dancing again. With another girl. And another. And another.....
There were six different women all together.
I guess he had a good night. Isn't that special for him?
I stared at the pictures, and the still pic of the one video, until I couldn't see it anymore, because my eyes filled with tears.
So, he went out and got drunk and met 6 women. Wonderful. Glad I woke up today. Life is GREAT.
And Bonnie says he's so heartbroken? Yeah. I can tell. Wow. He's really broken up. Poor guy.
I threw my phone across the room. It hit the wall and fell down. I didn't break. Dammit.
I wish I had someone to go out to the bar with. It was no fucking fair. I could probably pick up men. Lots of them. Only what would that do? No paparazzi would be watching ME! So Ian wouldn't even know. So that blew that plan out of the water. Fuck.
I could take selfies. Or have someone take pics, then send them to Ian?
No. That's.....just immature.
I guess I'd just sit here and do nothing.
I did text Bonnie, though. Asked her if she wanted to go out tonight. I needed it.
Maybe SHE'D tell Ian what we did. And WHO I did.
Even though I had no interest in getting close to any man whatsoever....
I needed something incriminating for Ian to see. So he doesn't think I'm sitting here lonely and pathetic while he's out finding Mrs. Every Girl in London.
I picked at some cereal without milk, and got in the shower.
Bonnie said she'd go out with me tonight. But mostly to take care of me. Because I told her I was going anyway, even if she didn't go.
I got an outfit ready for the night, and slept some more. Nothing else in life to do, but sleep. And I was good at it.
Later, after picking at some food for dinner, Bonnie showed up. She was a little bit made up, but not much. She was just in it to take care of me.
We headed out, and found a club.
The beat was great from the second we walked in. Not that I cared
I didn't care about anything now. I hadn't listened to music in days. Not a single song.
Bonnie and I went to the bar and got drinks. She ordered for me. I had NO experience at this stuff, and didn't know what anything was called. I think I heard her say "screwdriver".
Weird name for a drink. Or did she want an actual screwdriver for something?
Probably to plunge into my skull, most likely.
She was on HIS side.
I didn't know why I even told her anything, or confided in her at all. It ALL got right back to Ian.
Well now...I wanted it to.
I looked around the bar. No one special here. Then again, even if there was, I woudn't have noticed. Everyone bored me. No one was Ian. Not even close. There wasn't even a single ginger haired person in the entire place!
A while later, I was drunk. Some guy across the bar kept looking at me, and soon, he came over to me. He introduced himself and then asked me to dance. It was a fast dance right now. So I said ok.
I gave Bonnie my phone and told her to keep a visual record of my fun.
She rolled her eyes at me and slid my phone over towards her more.
"Chris" pulled me out to the dance floor and started to move in front of me.
I found the beat and started dancing too. It was actually fun. I guess Ian knows how to mend a broken heart after all! Asshole.
After that song, a slow song came on. I started to walk to my seat, but then Chris tapped my arm and asked if I still wanted to dance.
So I gave Bonnie a look and she reached over and took my phone while Chris put his arms out for me to dance in.
He put his one arm around my back and the other one held my hand and he was actually a good dancer. I followed him and we did great.
I looked at Bonnie a few times, and it seemed like she was taking pictures. Or video. Hopefully both.
I asked Chris if he had any friends for my friend. He pointed to Jeremy over across the bar. I told him he should introduce them. He said after this song.
The song finally ended, and suddenly I heard a sound so familiar, so moving, I froze in my tracks.
It was Ian.
They were playing one of his songs. A fast, dancy one.
I couldn't move. I was sick to my stomach.
I told Chris I didn't feel good, and I went to Bonnie at the bar, swigged the rest of my drink down and told her I needed to go. She told me the song would end soon. But I told her I just wanted to go.
I took my phone and started walking out the door.
Chris stopped me almost at the door. He asked if he could have my number.
Yeek. I didn't think of that.
I told him my phone speaker didn't work, but I'd take his number so I could call him on a friend's phone. So I took the number, and then Chris asked if he could have a kiss goodbye. But he didn't wait for my response. He went in for the kiss right away.
And his lips caught mine. I stiffened up and my eyes widened and I probably looked crazy. But I didn't want to kiss anyone. I felt bad, so I sort of kissed him back, but nothing great. Finally it was over. It was maybe a 15 second kiss. Just like spinning a bottle. Only this wasn't Ian's friend. Good. This was a stranger.
Bonnie caught up to me, and as she passed me saying goodbye to Chris, she said "nice footage" and she walked out the door.
I caught up with her a few seconds later, and I asked what that meant.
She said she got the whole goodbye, the number exchange, some of the dancing and the entire kiss on her phone video, if I'm interested. I didn't understand why she'd do that for me so willingly, actually, since she was trying to get my and Ian back TOGETHER. Not piss him off and make him hate me? I was confused.
But I was sticking to my plan. I told her great...send it all to me.
She said she'd already sent it to Ian.
I told her she was lying. And she showed me the text right away when we got in her car. Complete with the video. It was still uploading.
Shit.
I did it now.
I felt sick. But a part of me felt GOOD. Revenge.
Maybe I'd get someone to lick me down there next time. And send THAT to Ian.
Like he cared, anyway. Yeah. Right. Who am I kidding? Why am I even bothering?
On the way home, I drunken babbled in the car. "I love Ian. Why'd he do this to me? I love him. So much. I just want him here. I wanna be in his arms. I want his body......I hate his fucking guts. Asshole. I love that asshole...." I babbled on and on, until Bonnie told me to be quiet.
I heard her phone get a text when we got to the parking lot of my apartment.
I asked her if it was Ian. Did he get the video?
She said it was from Ian.
I told her to show me. I had to see this.
I was intrigued.
She opened it and read it herself, first.
Then she showed me.
"What the FUCK, Bonnie? Is this how you take care of Janel for me? Who the hell is that?"
HA! Good. Now HE can see cheating in person. Only it wasn't cheating for me. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. But I had hoped it would still bother him. I should have kissed that guy.....what was his name? I should have kissed him longer. And gotten into it more. Dammit.
I'll make another video tomorrow night. I don't care. What do I have to lose? Gain? Nothing. I have nothing. I had everything. And now, I have nothing.
Another texted rang in. I leaned forward onto the back of the front seat again, and waited anxiously to see what Ian said this time.
"Call me. Please."
That's all it said.
Booooooorrrrrrring.
I looked for my phone somewhere in the back seat, so I could get out and let Bonnie go home.
Her phone rang.
I looked over the seats. It was Ian.
She lifted the phone up to her ear, and said hello, then I grabbed it out of her hand. Bonnie looked back, startled. I gave her the "shhhh" signal.
I listened.
I didn't hear anything, but then I noticed a faint sniffing sound. What the.....?
Finally, Ian spoke.
"I can't do this, Bonnie. This is killing me" the weak, shaky tearful sounding voice said on the phone. "Why did you send me that video? Do you have ANY idea how much that hurt me? My heart was just ripped out of my chest. What are you trying to do to me? Did you switch sides or something? Did you decide I was guilty? Are you both trying to kill me?", he cried into the phone.
"Maybe you should stop trying, and I'll do it my fucking self...." he sniffled between many of the words. He was crying while he talked. It immediately made me horribly sad and full of regret. Why did I do that to him? What had I done? Fuck.
But....wait....why do I feel bad? He did the same thing, only WORSE, to me!
NO! I can't feel bad. I can't. I'm innocent.
"Bonnie, please. Did the police look at anything yet? Is there ANY hope for me? Because it doesn't appear that there is, now.
Please. Please tell me why you sent that video. Why would you want to hurt me worse than I'm already hurting? God dammit, Bonnie......I'm at the end of my fucking rope here! I hurt. I fucking hurt! I love her! Janel is my one and only! And everyone knows that, except HER! Why is she the ONLY one who doesn't believe me? I fucking love that girl with my entire soul. My whole body ACHES to have her in my arms. My lips ache to kiss hers......I'm fucking nearly dead here. I thought you'd discourage her from doing anything like in that video. Why Bonnie? Why?" he asked so pathetically desperately, and then he broke out into full on sobs. He cried into the phone.
To hear him like that ripped my entire soul out of my body.
Tears streamed down my face. My head leaned down on the back of the front seat, while I listened to Ian sob from all the way across the Atlantic ocean, in a cozy house in the countryside in England. I held my hand over my mouth and nose, trying to sob silently while I listened to him sob.
It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. It worked. I tortured HIM this time. I showed him that I wans't sitting around being pathetic like he thought I was. I was out getting with men, just like he was getting with women. But now I felt horrible. I regretted doing this to him.
I handed the phone to Bonnie, and collapsed in the back seat of her car. I slunched down, and laid my head against the side window and stared into the night sky. The stars were out.
I layed there and sobbed. Hard.
Bonnie asked me then, "Why DID you have me send that video, Janel?"
"Did you hang up on him?" I asked before I answered her, because she had the phone up near her face.
"Yeah. I hung up. Now, why? What was your point, Janel?" she asked again.
I started crying outloud now. "I wonder if he can see the stars I can see, from England? What time is it there? Early morning, right?" I answered with nonsense.
"Janel, honey....what are you doing?" Bonnie asked a third time.
"I love him, Bonnie. I love him SOoo much, it hurts. But being away from him hurts soooo much more. I can barely breathe. I haven't eaten in days. I can't listen to music. God, I love him so much. It hurts, Bonnie. It hurts soooo badly.
I want him here. I want his arms around me. I want his lips tucked into my neck. He makes me feel good. Secure. Loved. Happy. Alive.....I just can't do this. I just....wanted him to think I wasn't sitting around, alone. I wanted him to think that I was out meeting people, just like he is. Did you see the internet today? He danced with SIX different woman last night. And then he left a pub drunk and barely able to walk. He's out, Bonnie. He's living his life. And once again, I'm not living mine. So I wanted him to think I was living it without him. I didn't mean for that guy to kiss me, Bonnie. He asked me for my phone number, but I didn't want him to have it. So I told him to give me his. And then he asked for a kiss goodbye, and he didn't wait for my answer. He just kissed me. So I went with it a little bit. Just to feel a tiny bit even with Ian. But it wasn't Ian. It felt horrible. I tried imagining it was Ian. But he didn't feel anything like Ian, so I couldn't.
I want Ian's lips on me. I want Ian. God, I miss him. And now I've hurt him and I regret it. I don't want to hurt him. Even though he hurt me....I can't stand to hurt him. I love him. God, I love him.
I want him here. He's so....far....away, Bonnie", I was sobbing my words out now, "Bring him back. Please...bring him back here, Bonnie. I need him. I need him to help me. I can't do this alone. It hurts. I hurt. It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life...pleeeease. Pleeeeeheeeeheeeease....", and I fell sideways along the back seat and cried like a baby, with my head facedown into the seat.
"There, Ian. Did you hear that? Now you know why", Bonnie said.
I lifted my head up from the seat. "What did you just say?" I asked Bonnie, knowing what she was going to say before she said it. But desperately hoping it's not what she was gonna say.
"I didn't hang up the phone until just now, Janel. You purposely hurt Ian. And he wanted to know why.
And I understand why you did it. I do. Believe me, honey. I get it.
But he was too devastated. So I let YOU answer his question, because I couldn't even begin, or know where to start. I can't say if he heard that or not...he was crying, but I didn't hear anything from the phone after you started talking." Bonnie admitted.
I sat up slowly. And I got out of the car. And I went into my apartment. And I didn't even make it to the bedroom. I did a controlled collapse on the rug in the living room, about 5 feet through the door.
And I opened my phone to Ian's texts. And I typed "I love you. But you hurt me."
I stared at it for a long time, with my finger over the send button, debating with myself whether to send it or not. I had to keep relighting up the screen when it went dark.
And then I accidentally bumped the send button when I relit the screen.
Shit.
I layed there in the dark, on the floor.
Ding ding. A text came in.
"Janel" was all it said.
I didn't text back.
Ding Ding.
"I love you so much it overwhelms me, baby." it said this time.
Another two dings...
"I'll help you. I promise. Whether you want me or not...I'll be there for you. I'll get you through this." it said.
And no more texts came in. Still drunk, I fell asleep fast. On the floor.
IAN'S POV:
I was sleeping, but I heard a text come in. It was late morning, so most of my drunk had worn off.
Most.
I felt like fucking HELL. I forgot to drink water between and after drinking. How could I remember? I couldn't even fucking walk. I remember Stanley practically carrying me to the car. I remember little snippets of things.
I wasn't out long last night. Probably 2 hours? But I drank hard and fast. Enough for a 6 hour night.
I'm a mess.
Why did I do that? What inspired me to go out? I don't know. I guess I just couldn't sit here and dwell anymore. As if sitting somewhere ELSE and dwelling would be soooo much better?
I opened my text. I could barely focus my eyes.
It was a video. From Bonnie.
I was half excited, picturing Janel professing her love for me, and half nervous as shit, picturing a crime scene video or something....
I played it.
It was Janel. In a club or something. She was slow dancing with a guy. Just some random guy, I guessed. The next shot, she was talking to him.
She was doing something on her phone. And then she looked up, and he suddenly kissed her!
My heart stopped. Literally. It stopped. I couldn't feel it beat for a second or two. A palpitation, I guess. From horrible devastation.
I watched for what seemed like minutes and minutes, as he kissed her full on the mouth. Maybe there was tongue, too. I couldn't tell. But she didn't stop him. She kissed him back.
She fucking kissed him back.
I had an immediate wave of nausea, and I dropped my phone off the bed as I rolled over quickly to at least puke on the floor, and miss the bed.
I heaved hard. And at the last second, I noticed my trash can was next to the bed. So I aimed for that, and grabbed it with my hand. I got 90% of the clear, vodka vomit into the trash can.
Thanks mum. She always did that when I'd come home drunk. It came in handy plenty of times, God knows. She was a pro at this by now. Or maybe my dad did it, and learned it by my mum.
I remember him helping Stanley carry me upstairs....
I vomited up my guts into the trash can.
And besides the tears from puking, and the shaking, there was EXTRA tears and shaking this time.
I was crying at the same time I puked. Which was NOT fun.
I couldn't get my breath, yet sobs were in my throat, trying to come out. It actually flashed through my mind that I might die from this. Drunken heartbreak. And the last thing I would have seen was Janel kissing some guy.
A horrible pang of pity washed over me.
Look at me! What the HELL????
All this for a girl?
I had sooo much to live for. So much to do. So much I'd done. Accomplished. Won. Had......
Why are women so fucking important? Why is love SOOO fucking powerful???? And soooooo fucking PAINFUL?
I finally stopped heaving and emptying my clear liquid guts into the trash can, and layed flat on my back, recovering. And whining quietly as I cried. I pictured my ugly crying face as I layed there staring at the ceiling.
And then, I don't know why, but the pathetic me, watched the video again. I paid closer attention this time. I watched the few seconds of her slow dancing with him. She was smiling. She liked it. And later, I think he was giving her his phone number, and she was putting it into her phone. That's the only thing I could come up with. And I tried to read his lips. It was loud in the club. She was by the door. I saw "kiss you", I think.
I didn't see her answer him, though. She simply looked up, and bang. His lips were on hers.
Maybe she didn't WANT to kiss him.
But if she didn't, she would have pushed him away. I know Janel.
And she didn't push him away. She turned her head with the kisses.
I counted the seconds the next time I watched it. It was 17 seconds of kissing.
I was obsessed. And I was devastated.
I texted Bonnie, asking her why she'd send that to me.
That's what I couldn't understand. She was on MY side. But she was THERE, with Janel, obviously, and took that video on her phone. Right? Because who else would Janel be out with? All her friends....are here in the UK.
I texted Bonnie again, asking her to call me.
She didn't respond fast enough, and I couldn't stand it. So I called her. I didn't even know what time it was on the east coast of America. Obviously Bonnie was awake, though.
When Bonnie answered, everything just poured out of me. I started crying right away, but I kept it quiet. Everything just pourrrrrred out, I was just...soooo......SAD. Why? Why would she do this? I'm hurting here, so badly, and then she sends me THAT????
I babbled and babbled, never even giving her a chance to answer me.
I talked and talked, and then I thought I heard like...a sniffle through the phone.
I didn't care. I kept babbling.
I babbled myself into a frenzy of sadness, and then the crying took over my entire voice, and I couldn't talk anymore. I couldn't ask WHY, anymore. I waited and waited as I cried, to hear anything. Any response. But I heard nothing. Why was Bonnie not answering me? This was all so strange.
I heard a rustling sound, and then a voice. FINALLY.
I listened. It was hard to listen, because my sobs kept hiccupping in my throat, but I covered my mouth like a murderer trying to smother someone, just so I could hear what Bonnie said.
My sobs kept coming though. Blowing spurts of air onto my hand as it covered my mouth.
I heard Bonnie said "Why DID you have me send that video, Janel?"
She was there?? Janel was there with Bonnie?
I wanted to scream. Everything in me wanted to scream JANEL!!!!!!!!!!
But I wanted to hear if Janel was definitely there, and if so, what her answer would be.
Janel asked Bonnie if she'd hung up. So this means....Bonnie was sneaking the conversation on the phone for me? Or did she THINK she'd hung up, but didn't, by mistake?
Either way....I listened like crazy, knowing any second now, the phone could hang up. She could realize I was listening. I didn't make a sound. I controlled my sobs better now. If I wasn't so insane, I would have remembered there's a mute button on iPhones. Duh.
Just hearing Janel's sweet voice was enough for me right now. If she'd said "My cat threw up on the rug, 50 times over, I would have been happy, just to hear her. I didn't care.
But then she started talking.....spewing everything inside of her, out.
And it was all wonderful things. It was so wonderful to hear!
The things she said.....she LOVED ME. She still loved me. Even though I hurt her, she said. I wanted to scream "I DIDNT HURT YOU!!!!" But I still kept my mouth covered.
My sobs started back up again, hiccupping into my hand, I was so happy to hear the things that Janel was saying. My heart swelled. I was breathing heavy. I was almost dizzy. But I was elated.
This was all too much. In a GOOD way, for once.
She fucking loved me. She'd only kissed that guy to make me jealous. So SHE must have told Bonnie to video it and send it to me. Ahhh. Making more sense now.
She wanted that guy to be ME. She didn't like the kiss. It WASN'T me.
This was all awesome to hear. My happy tears soaked my hand now. My eyes were closed tightly, concentrating on Janel's words. She was sorry she tried to hurt me.
I couldn't take it. I wanted to hold her this second, so very badly.
Now I regretted coming home. I was so fucking far away...If I was there, like at the hotel, I'd be running right now. I'd be running, holding my mouth with my soaked hand, towards Janel.
I could tell she was drunk. I could hear it in her voice. And people don't lie when they're drunk.
I could probably weasel my way into her arms tonight, had I been nearby. Even if she hated me in the morning...I could have held her at least tonight. I wouldn't have even slept a wink. I wouldn't have wanted to miss a single moment of having her next to me. In my arms. I'd watch her sleep every minute, until she woke up and threw me out. And even being thrown out...I'd know, that she actually DOES love me, and wants me back. And that would make me try even harder than I have been. Because I haven't been trying. I didn't want to bug her. I didn't want to bother her. Text her to death. Call and cry to her. I was trying to respect her decision and not be crazy obsessive stalkerish, and hope that it would give her the chance to sort out her thoughts, and realize she was wrong, and I WAS loyal and faithful to her.
I cursed myself for being in England.
Finally at the end of her love rant, she broke down and cried. For me. She was crying for me. Right now. A thousand miles away. And I was crying for her. At the very same second. And something about that just felt.....relieving. We were crying together. And she didn't even know it.
But at the same time, I could hear the heartbreak and desperation in her voice. In her sobs.
And I wanted to be there to hold her and rock her and tell her it will all be ok.
Fucking England! FUUUUCK!
Then there was a bit of silence. And I heard a close up voice to the phone. "There, Ian. Did you hear that? Now you know why", Bonnie said. And then the line went dead.
Bonnie DID know I was listening. Janel DIDN'T.
Bonnie was still on my side, right? I think so. I was pretty sure.
I layed there and thought about everything that just happened. I thought of every word I could remember. And then I got to the "he's out living his life...dancing with women..." part, and I wondered, how the fuck.....???? How does she know about that? Did Stanley tell her? She knows I danced with six women. How........
A flash of reality hit me, and I remembered that I was famous, (being in my childhood room does weird things to your head...I almost forget I'm famous when I'm in here.) and I picked up my phone again. I instantly went on Google, and searched myself.
Sure enough...."Ian Sheer gets piss drunk, dances with multiple women, girlfriend nowhere to be seen."
Ohhhhhhh FUCK.
I watched a quick video of me dancing with some chick. And then the rest were pictures of me dancing with the other five of them. God fucking DAMMIT, paparazzi.
And then there was a video of Stanley walking me out to the car, from the pub.
He was holding me up and I was all over the place...it was just a quick 10 second video.
But enough for Janel to sum up my night last night.
Which is why SHE went out. To show me that SHE could do it, too.
God, I suck.
But it's ok. It's fine. She saw all this, and she admitted still, that she loves me. And I'm gonna take that and run with it.
Just then, I got a text. I thought it'd be Bonnie, and I rushed to read it, closing the phone browser and Twitter and all my drunken pictures.
Holy shit. It was from Janel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I love you. But you hurt me" was all it said.
That was plenty enough for me. She loves me. She fucking loves me.
I didn't know what to say back. I wanted to call her, but I didn't want to push it.
"Janel" I texted.
Nothing came back.
I texted again.
"I love you so much, it overwhelms me, baby."
Nothing still.
Finally I made a quick decision in my head, and I stood up (dizzy as FUCK) and I texted her quickly,
"I'll help you. I promise. Whether you want me or not....I'll be there for you. I'll help you get through this."
Nothing would stop me.
I was finding my shoes, I was going to go downstairs, and I was gonna call a taxi, and go to the airport.
RIGHT. NOW.