(A/N: Before we start a quick tw to begin with: In this chapter we will discuss depression a bit further. Just so you warned, thank yew and continue)
*Anne's Prov*
Carefully I close the door behind me, eager to not make any sound, I make my way towards George who waits for me outside. It is a warm night, the sky is clouded and it looks like it will rain later. Nevertheless, the full moon is bright enough for us to light the way.
When I reach George we slowly walk away from the house and the protecting spells. In future there will be even more spells surrounding it, especially when Harry will come. They just haven't found out how they are going to transport him safely here.
Our wands are clutched in our hands and we always look around to make sure nobody is going to attack us out of nowhere. It is a risk we are taking to walk alone at night, still it is nice to have some time alone.
I realize that the further away we are coming, the tenser George gets. At first I thought it was because at the distance we brought to us and the safe spot called the burrow, then I start to understand.
We walk closer to the swamps and George's step gets more hesitant.
"Where are we even going to?," I ask him, mustering his face that went a bit pale.
"Somewhere around here is a small lake my siblings and I used to go to on hot summer days. Just been a while since I been there," he says, his eyes dart to the ground.
"Does that require to go through the swamps to get there?," I ask him.
"Fortunately, not through, but unfortunately past," the boy mutters.
"Don't you worry, I save you when something tries to pull you down again. Also I would like to see them try again, you are way too heavy to be dragged in that easily," I nudge him a bit.
"Mhm. Wait are you saying I am fat?," he looks at me amused.
"Those where your words," I put my hands up in surrender, if I can keep his attention on jokes, maybe that will distract him from the fact that we must go past the swamps.
He wasn't lying when he said they had a special smell. I wouldn't want to get lost in that water either.
"My words, but your thoughts?"
"Never said I thought it, although more fat means more to cuddle into," I sing sang and sway a bit from side to side while walking.
The boy laughs: "Does that mean I have to gain even more weight to have a chance at more cuddles with you?"
"Never said that either. However, more fat means more erotic area," I look at him suggestively.
"If that's the case now, I'll have to eat more of Mum's dinner," he grins: "But also you said earlier that I already got heavier, so that means I am entitled to use my newly added area."
"What are you-," my eyes widen as he runs after me and I have suddenly a lot to do, to keep up with him.
He really is fast and as fast as I try to run, he is by my side in an instant. He grabs my waist and pulls me close to him, cuddling into me.
I pant, he isn't even out of breath. So much on he gained weight.
"How-can- urgh," I start.
He just laughs more: "Take your time sweetheart."
I hit him with my elbow, he just chuckles.
I fight myself free from him and take deep breaths, holding my side. Then we hear a strange sound and our eyes instantly dart to the swamp that is behind us.
George pulls up his want and points it into the direction, his hand shakes a bit. We both stare quietly at the spot, not daring to breathe, then a cracking sound and bird flies out the high grass.
The boy lets go a breath and turns around to me: "Good that we have that part behind us now."
"So big boy, which direction are you taking me?"
"Isn't that far now."
From a free spot that broke through the clouds shines the moon and gives the ground it touches a milky colour.
"This strangely reminds me of our first date," George looks at me.
"How does that remind you of the room of requirement?," I look back at him.
"What? No I meant the first unofficial one. The one at the tower!"
I raise my eyebrows: "That wasn't a date. I helped you with your homework and the other time you had to get your stupid coin back!"
"That coin wasn't stupid. Wouldn't it be for that coin we two might have never happened," he states wisely.
"Keep your facts straight. Wouldn't it be for the Whiskey we probably would still dance around each other because I'm too stern to realize things," I retard back.
"Thanks to the inventor of fire whiskey," George says: "Although if we see it properly without the coin we wouldn't even have ended up drinking together. I'm positive we never would have done that."
"That might be true, still the whole work did the whiskey," I point out: "Let's keep it real, I would have never spilled that much that I spilled, even if I fancied you before."
"Wait wait, you fancied me? You?," he points at me, his eyes glistering with curiosity.
"As I said, Fire Whiskey helped to realize some things."
"How? When? When did you start? I thought I just was that kind of a good kisser that after all that happened that night you decided to give it a try and along that way feelings emerged?," he still looks baffled.
I snicker: "You should see your face."
"Can you blame me? You just dropped the biggest bomb. Not one person could have guessed that you had feelings for me, meanwhile sometimes a blind person could see mine," he chuckles a bit at the irony of the situation.
"I don't know when it happened okay, it just was as it was and I wasn't happy because of it. You seemed like a huge idiot, you are still an idiot, but an idiot that I learned to love. Now shut up about that."
"Anne was lovesick," George tickles me on my side a bit: "She said yes to the date because she was lovesick."
I swat annoyed his hand away and roll my eyes: "I wasn't lovesick. And that wasn't a date!"
"And what was it then love?," he puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer.
"Just a forced arrangement from you to make me drunk," I smirk.
"Hey! You were the one that started to drink, not me. Besides my only real intention was to get the coin back," he places a hand over his chest.
"Sure. That's why all the blankets, pillows and foods where there. To get a coin back," I raise an eyebrow.
"I mean it worked. I did get my coin back."
He isn't wrong about that. I can't argue.
"Honestly, the best decision to make. You should have seen me afterwards, after I realized what I've just done. The moment I left you I freaked out, because in a way that sounded a lot like a date and I didn't want to ruin my last chances. I had the hope I could at least make you a bit curious for me," he puffs out his chest.
"That leaves one question in general, why did you even catch an interest in me? I mean you never showed any interest in me at all, all those years. Don't dare say something else now."
"No that's the truth. I haven't showed any sign of anything because I haven't really paid attention to you. I didn't care," he shrugs.
"Why did that change? I didn't do anything else than all those years before?"
George takes his arms from my shoulders and run his hand through his hair.
"I don't know. It might sound stupid, but you had something on you that just intrigued me. Maybe it was the fact you had our backs, although you didn't earn anything for it. At that moment I just knew there is more behind you than all around realize. It was like an itch that didn't get less and just lessened when I got to know you. The more I had to do with you, the more fascinated I've got by you. Sometimes I crossed the lines and you made me very aware of that, although I just had my best interest at hearts."
"Didn't know I could be that fascinating," I feel myself blush a bit. Luckily it's dark.
"Funny to know how many people find us inspiring or truly interesting while we think we suck," George chuckles, then he stops: "We are here."
In front of us is a little lake. We can hear toads and crickets and here and there the ripple of the water. Apart from that it is quiet and I already like this place. Slowly we make our way towards a big oak tree to sit down beneath.
I close my eyes and put my head back against the tree trunk. For a moment it feels like nothing could harm us.
"You've been awfully quiet today. Is everything alright?," George clears his throat beside me.
I snap my eyes open to look at him: "It is I guess. I'm just getting caught up in memories sometimes and it's hard to let them go. That's all."
"What were those memories about," the boy leans back against the trunk as well, playing with a bundle of grass in his fingers.
I bite my lip, debating if I should tell him or not: "Er- well, they are about Caleb mostly and sometimes my Dad."
"Oh."
It is quiet and for a short amount of time I believe that George will let it slide and we talk about something else, but I should have known better.
"Care to tell me what really happened? I mean," he throws some bits of grass forward, sighing: "I know that something was up and that stuff happened, I guess I don't need to clarify what I mean here, though you never told me what exactly happened. The last time we kind of talked about it was at our first date and you were drunk to no extend."
"For the last time, that wasn't a date!"
"Alright if that makes the whole thing better for you," he sniggers.
"It does," I lean my head against his shoulder: "So what do you want to know exactly?"
"How your depression really was."
This question threw me off a bit. I didn't think he would ask that tonight.
"You don't have to," he quickly adds when he sees my face: "I don't want to pressure you into it or bring unwanted feelings back or-"
"No it's alright. I mean I have to get the whole story out eventually and there isn't a person right now on this planet that I would trust more than you right now."
I take a deep breath, I think I'm now finally in a mental position where I am able to fully talk about it. To open up completely. I guess all those dreams and flashbacks are the start of me dealing with it, rather than pushing it away.
"Just so you are warned, this will take a long time," I point out.
"We have the whole night," George murmurs.
"Well where do I even start? I guess this whole visit of You-know-who might be a good start. When Dumbledore showed me what really happened I questioned my sanity, because what is real and with which memory did other people play as well? I wasn't exactly the strongest person."
"I was far behind with a lot of skills. Meanwhile other kids my age hadn't had any trouble doing it, I always lagged behind, having major problems to keep up. Which on the contrary made my Dad sometimes a bit too frustrated and mad. So I surely won't be strong enough to hold off other people to play with my mind."
"However, I came to the conclusion that at least 90 per cent of my memory, especially those bit and pieces that I have long forgotten about, are true. So to make myself crazy over that isn't that worth it. Well, back to the point, that was the first important step I guess, that day. It made me feel like I am the reason why my Dad is so mad."
"When I was small, my brain couldn't comprehend that much of his anger had its roots in his own problems and the alcohol. I simply believed it was me. So that and the fact that I was slower than other kids, got me a tad insecure. I never really spoke them out loud. Later on when I was older and already able to help with simple task in the pub, I learned how to shield myself from harsh and unwanted arguments, how to simply ignore mean comments and most importantly how to deal with unwanted feelings. That means I learned how to never phrase insecurities and rather pretend they aren't there."
"I bottled everything up and never talked about it. The more frequently screaming of my Dad, the angst of dealing with too harsh costumers, the sad reality of me feeling alone even though I never was alone in that pub sooner or later took a toll on me. The one who knew about my struggles was Caleb. He was there since the beginning. He was the older brother I never had and I was the sister he never had. We helped each other as much as we could."
"When he had a problem we found a solution, when I had a problem we tried to find one there too. The both of I, didn't really grow up in a safe and welcoming environment, that's why we relied so much on each other. I was so glad to have him. He put a smile on my face when Dad broke my broom when I accidently had a crash with it, he helped me when I was too slow again and had so much patience for me and my mood swings."
"On the other hand I helped him how to defend himself better with rude comments he got by other children, I maybe beat up a kid once, how to be more repellent and determined, how to believe in himself. It sometimes felt like we were joined by the hips, until the day he left."
"Since he was older, he got his letter earlier than me. The excitement in his face when he showed me his letter was like a hit in the face to me. All I could think about in that moment was, that I would lose him here. I hated myself for that. I should have been happy for him and his decision to decide where he wanted to go, it just didn't click for me in my head and it felt clouded and angst covered."
"I put an act up and waved him goodbye on the final day, but I grew a bit distant and redundantly wrote back on the first letters. I couldn't do anything about it, I just felt more and more alone. It certainly didn't help that Dad got more and more drunk and fed up with each passing day. I was old enough now to understand that he had a problem, but still too young to know how to solve it."
"Caleb's Dad was often around, although his son wasn't there any longer and had funny little meetings with Dark Wizards. I always thought he just kept an eye on them, now I know it had a different nature. I was under constant pressure somehow, a feeling I couldn't get rid of especially since I didn't have Caleb around to talk to."
"I could probably have talked with someone else, but at that point I had a hard time opening up to others and so I simply didn't do so. When my Hogwarts letter arrived, I had mixed feelings. Caleb encouraged me to go and I wanted to, but I was scared. In Hogwarts I wouldn't have anyone that could help me if I should stumble again. I was completely alone there. Who knows if I even make friends?"
"Contrary, I wanted to be independent so badly. Not going seemed wrong too. Deciding to give my last ounce of hope a shot was later on, at least for my mind, the wrong move. Through the years a deep rooted feeling came onto the surface. I couldn't shake it. I was feeling more and more useless, sadder and lonely. Although I did talk with Cole and other Syltherins. Sometimes even with my roommates, though the feeling just grew worse and worse."
"The simplest things started to get hard and took so much energy. Showering? Urgh, that shit seemed like the toughest thing to do at some days. There where weeks were I barley showered at all. But not only showering, eating sometimes was too much to ask for, going outside for a stroll in the fields or maybe even down to the lake because exercise never hurt? Couldn't bring myself up to do it."
"It wasn't like I didn't want to do it, but everything just weighed me down. It felt like all of my energy was used by waking up and walking to classes. After every school day I would skip meals and just go straight to the dorm to lie down. I was drained and people didn't even realize it."
"When I came back home for the summer holidays to see Caleb again it did help the first years, but later on I felt guilty for not feeling happy to see him. Even when my Dad had a fit, I didn't even flinch nor feel a single thing. I was numb. A robot that did her duties and then proceeded to simply existing and lying around. I did help Caleb through his struggles, I did give mental talks to the girls in my room, I kept up and maybe forced a laugh on Cole's bad jokes, though my mind didn't find it well, great or important."
"Some days I can't even remember. When I look back at pictures I am confused that I was even there. Caleb would have to explain all over again where we were and was majorly confused as to why I couldn't remember a single thing. It is because my brain didn't think of it as important enough to remember. When everything in your mind is numb and in the same colour, you just can't seem to focus anymore."
"It feels like you lose your identity, because everything that gave you joy before, is now giving you nothing. That didn't feel like living at all, it felt just like existing and that was hard."
"You see, I never grew up with an actual safe space for me, I always wondered how I would not make others mad, which made me hide myself and I long have forgotten my past self. I had no real connection to me and that grew so much over my head that I just felt hopeless. Because what is the reason to keep struggling if you don't know any more who you really are?"
"One day it all got too much, I couldn't bear with my constant fighting anymore. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just wanted a break from living and dying seemed the only plausible way to get it, to make it all end, to finally feel something."
"I knew fully well that I had people around me, but people that didn't get me. People that would have never understood because I appeared normal to them. That made me feel excluded even more. I tried to call for help, but I didn't know how without appearing too weak or too dumb."
"That's when it all got out of hand and I did a step that I never knew I would take. Cutting wasn't unusual for me, since it was a very toxic way for me to cope with struggles. I felt like I deserve it. I felt like if I'm not even capable of really feeling than it wouldn't matter anyways. Something I wasn't used to, was cutting too deep."
"It was the first time, I actually felt frightened. I knew it was over and that I didn't have to fight anymore, but I was so scared. What if it didn't stop there? What if I just screwed my last chance? One thought that popped into my mind, that still gives me hope now is, that I wanted to do it better."
"I had no idea what I wanted to do better. Living? For sure, just that survival mode takes so much energy from you alone that living is hard to do better. Coping? Maybe that too. All I knew was that I wished I could have handled it differently and I got that chance."
"When I woke up in that hospital bed, when I finally could remember what had happened, it clocked something out. I got my second chance and an ounce of hope that I didn't have before."
"It was hard to get away from unhealthy behaviours. It was hard to stop hiding my true self. It was hard doing something reckless the moment all came out of hand. It took me long, but every step mattered. Like the first time I actually insulted Caleb again with full intention to do so? That mattered a lot, because I didn't have the motivation to do so earlier. The time I went to take a shower and didn't even struggle the tiniest bit with it? I was so happy afterwards."
"When I enjoyed my day with Caleb and even had the energy to eat something with him afterwards? He and I couldn't have been more proud. It seems for others like nothing, but it meant so much to me. I learned how to cope with my feelings better, how to open up a tad more to others, how to look out for myself more."
"And what I've learned from you, my wonderful, wonderful George, is that speaking out what is bothering someone can really help to set your mind free. That asking for help isn't being a burden to someone. That havening others you rely on isn't a weakness, it's being strong enough to deal with whatever's going on in your life again."
"The most important thing I've learned is, that no matter what you did in your past, there are always second chances lying around, we just need to take them and accept ourselves. We won't come anywhere with hiding who we truly are."
"So thank you, for being a part of this journey. This long and wonderful journey into finding myself and making peace with my mind that will still take some time, but I'm growing and that all that matters to me."
When I'm done my mouth feels dry and sore. I take my wand, place it over my mouth and cast an arguamnti to drink from. The only sound is the water from the lake that is noticeable.
I laugh a bit and cover my mouth with my hand: "Sorry, it just feels so freeing to tell that to somebody without them thinking that's attention seeking or simply made up."
George turns to me: "I would never believe anything like that. Your feelings are valid, doesn't matter how minor they appear to you, they are valid."
"Is it strange when I say, I feel so much closer to you, even if that's hardly possible?"
"Believe me, it makes perfectly sense," he smiles a genuine smile and pulls me closer for a deep kiss.
Just time it feels like we say so much more with that single action than we ever did with words.
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(A/N:
Hello my lovely peeps. This chapter was a bit deeper than usual. Okay that is a bit of lie since most topics I write about here in this book are basically deep and very important topics that I want to educate on or bring a different light and understanding to it. A big goal or rather accomplishment would be if my writing actually helps someone understand or even brings them further along with their progress. Mental Health is for everyone different and Mental Health problems do show themselves differently for every human!! Everyone deals with it differently!! That is very important to understand.
I know that I still simplify Anne's recovery a bit and I'm sorry to everyone that might be bothered with this, though I sometimes struggle with the way how to write that appropriately.
This chapter is therefore deeper because I shine a light on how depression might look for many. How depression isn't just a small sad phase were you feel sad for a short time (because let's face it, everyone has sad episodes in their lives and they are normal and not be ashamed of either), however depression is heavy, brutal and rough. Nothing of it is romantic and it definitely isn't solved with two or three good words and a sudden relationship. That's not how depression works.
Depression is a deep rooted problem, sometimes passed on through biology, sometimes it starts with some serious trauma that was left unsupervised or not dealt with or it may have other factors that started it.
Depression is something you work hard on, for sometimes, even your whole life, it is something like a well-known friend that keeps you company. Just you learn along the way how to keep your friend tamed and not take advantage of you.
Depression is being on survival mode with just having necessary energy that needs to be spent accountable. Simple tasks can be hard to do, washing dishes or even just loading the dishwasher might seem too big of a responsibility to someone. That's not because they are lazy. It's because it takes so much energy, it feels like a burden or can bring up unwanted feelings.
When being the depressed and anxious the mind and the body have so much to deal with, that the slightest intrusive thoughts can be enough to drive someone over the edge.
Though that doesn't mean that every depressed person is the same. There are, in fact, many human beings with depression that work and meet others like they usually would, but once they are at home are unable to move at all.
Depression has many faces and isn't as easy to deal with as with a broken bone. It sometimes takes the person a great deal of facing their fears, of even asking for help because they are way too scared of being a burden or being put down as attention seeking, of not shutting others out that try to help, because they are way too overwhelmed with the situation.
It's important to understand that mental ill people have a lot going on in their mind and sometimes they try to save themselves from further danger with shutting others out or going completely quiet and distant. They never intend to hurt others, they are simply too overwhelmed. Please be patient.
So that is the reason why I created this chapter specifically and I hope all of you are doing somewhat alright or okay. If anyone ever needs to talk, my DM's are always open. You are not alone with whatever you are going through!!
Always remember that for every problem there is a solution and a way. No matter how long it takes you can always get there, wherever you want to be right now. Just as Ginny said: "Everything is possible unless you have enough nerve."
I believe in you and this is your sign to keep going, to continue. Because if Anne could do it, you can do it too and you should be proud of yourself for how far you have come or for still making yourself read or for simply waking up.
You are valid.
Thank you all for reading and have a great day/night.)