Chapter 57
After interrupting the silence so many times, there were periods throughout the day where we just gave up on hunting. We talked, joked around, and simply enjoyed hanging out. For how serious Blake initially was, it was flattering that he was willing to give into to my talkative mood. A few times, we headed outside to stretch our legs too. Once, we even took a short walk through the woods. Those breaks were crucial because the plastic chairs made my ass insanely sore. Seriously: fuck those chairs.
That's why later, when we dug into the food he brought, I literally threw the chairs outside. Sitting on the wooden floor, we leaned against the wall and stretched our legs out. Blake grabbed his pack and pulled out chips, water bottles, and some sandwiches he made. I was trying to ignore just how sweet of him that was.
Below the open windows and closer to the heater, it was immediately warmer. Significantly warmer. "We should have came down here hours ago," I said, taking a bite of my sandwich.
"See? That ancient heater does work good. Don't even need my hat down here," he said, removing it and smoothing his messy hair with his hand.
Looking up to the windows above us, I took in the only thing we could see: a graying and gloomy sky. "Should we head back if it rains?" Over the past hour, storm clouds slowly swallowed the sunshine more and more.
"Naw, we can still hunt in the rain."
"Oh boy. That's a relief," I said sarcastically. "I would hate to leave this excitement."
From where he sat to my left, he arched a humored brow while he chewed. "You know, you can hike back and swim home whenever you would like."
"Right, like I would swim in freezing water for miles."
"Then I think you're stuck here with me until we get a deer."
"Oh yeah? And how much longer is that going to take?"
"With your loud ass here? Years."
Our banter tickled my insides with a giddy excitement. "Maybe if someone didn't pick such a retarded spot to build a blind, we would have seen one by now."
Resting his head against the wall, he grinned. "You know, I am so happy I invited you today."
"You ought to be happy," I laughed, snagging a few chips from the bag between our outstretched legs. "I'm a fucking hunting master and you'd be lost without me."
While we ate (and continued our playful jabs), the passing clouds darkened more. Soon, it produced a few slow taps of raindrops against the roof. The light rhythm was quite relaxing and nice background music while we talked.
"Hey, so how are things with your family? You know, since I fucked it all up a few months ago?" I chuckled, taking the last bite of my sandwich.
"You won't believe this, but it's weird how quickly things have turned around with them."
"Really? Like things are good now?"
"Oh yeah, it's like a night and day difference. They are still, you know, the way they are. But they apologized for how they've always pressured me. Their intentions were only to see me have a good life, but they didn't realize how negative of an impact it had on me. So you causing all that drama was actually a good thing."
I raised my brows and caught his gaze. Though there were more serious things I felt guilty over, freaking out on his folks was not excluded. Hearing that drama was resolved lifted a weight from my shoulders. "I cannot tell you how happy and relieved that makes me, because I know that caused kind of a rift."
"It was worth it. Since then, my mom reeled in her strong judgmental side. Or at least stopped voicing her complaints – and that's good enough for me."
"Well, you're welcome I guess," I joked before continuing seriously. "Do they now respect your life and your choices out here in the country?"
Chowing down a second sandwich, his sweet eyes found mine with humor. "I wouldn't go that far. I'm sure they are still not pleased with their unmarried son getting older out in the middle of nowhere. But they stopped pestering and criticizing me."
"Honestly, that improvement is still a huge step. Like you said, they are the way they are."
"Exactly. But they realize it's my life and not theirs. I do think they are at least more accepting. Mom even plans on visiting soon so see all the renovations we did over the summer."
Knowing he was on good terms with his family – and their problems were resolving – was a good feeling. A really good feeling. Blake was just too good and superior of a person to deal with that kind of stress.
"That's really awesome."
"It is," he smiled.
Once we finished eating, I rested my head back against the wall, just... listening to the light sprinkling. I wasn't ready to go back to the chair where I would be in spy-mode again. I loved the sound and the heat... the heat was so nice down here. Good job, ancient heater.
Sitting down here was so cozy, it made my eyes feel heavy. Blake and I continued talking, delving into his work at the gas station and marina. However, that wasn't enough to keep my eyes open or my mind from fading. Head resting against the wall, gazing towards him... it started taking longer to respond.
The combination of waking up early, our busy day, the gloomy weather, and the heater... it was the perfect recipe. Before I knew it, I unexpectedly fell asleep like a loser.
***
The music of pattering rain reached my consciousness. My eyes started to open... and they angled up to see the calm downpour through the windows. Skinny streams of water ran off the roof, the open window catching a few stray drops. I fell asleep.... Fuck, I fell asleep!
How much time passed? I was still sitting up against the wall, but it was raining harder and it was much colder now. Then, I realized my side was against Blake's. with my head nestled in the crook of his neck. It was wonderful... feeling his warm body and his scruffy neck against my forehead. There was also a blanket draped over me, keeping everything except my exposed face warm. He felt like home.
Blinking more awake, I immediately felt embarrassed and guilty. I hated that I fell asleep and wasted part of his hunting day. The guy hardly goes hunting and even took the day off for it. I craned my head back and glanced up, able to see that he was awake. He actually had his arm draped behind my shoulders, holding me to his side (which only made my heart leap higher). I would be happy never moving from this spot again.
Our faces were so close, he had to cock his head back to meet my eyes. With my cheek still against his shoulder, I couldn't look away. The blue is his eyes was deep and bright compared to this dull shack and gloomy surroundings. He had a casual smile at seeing I was awake... but it slowly faded as seconds passed. His brows, the dents on the ends of them, smoothed out as he... simply stared back.
That pain that we shoved away all day – that pain I dreaded – finally arrived. I did well not thinking about it, not thinking about how I lost him, not dwelling on all the things I loved about him. Now, that's all there was.
Gut twisting, I looked away. "I'm sorry I fell asleep," I whispered.
He cupped my cold cheek with his warm rough palm, coaxing my gaze back to his. He calmly just searched my face with his eyes. Though he was the one that ended things... I could see he was going through the same torture. It's why we just... stared at each other for the longest time.
The sound of the pattering rain seemed to isolate us in this long staring spell. As if it was natural and okay. But the longer we just gazed into each other's faces, the more painful the tease was. My insides started to plummet. He was so wonderful, so beautiful, and it was so upsetting and frustrating. I took in his beard, the freckles on his upper cheeks and nose, the creases in his expression. Took in the smoothness of his expression, showing just how simple and straightforward of a man he was. Jesus Christ, why was I here? To torture myself?
"Why in the world did you invite me out here?" I whispered.
The calm air between us remained silent. Finally, he responded. "Why did you agree?"
"I don't know."
All day, we didn't acknowledge our past short-lived relationship. However, as we looked into each other's faces, I started to see the deep pain creep into his eyes. The deep pain he managed to hide. I had a feeling he could see how much my heart was twisting in my chest too.
Seeing the mutual pain, he offered a sad half smile. "This was a dumb idea, wasn't it?"
"It was. But I still loved it."
We didn't move, didn't want to, for a long moment. Though it was a blast, the temptation and torment caught up to us now – and this new and vivid memory would slow our progress of moving on. It wasn't healthy. Yet, it was hard not to indulge our selfish emotions. I didn't want to move, didn't want to leave this spot... didn't want to be away from him again. Each minute though was making our torment hitch.
"We should probably head back," I whispered in the small space between our faces.
"Yeah, we should," he said huskily.
We slowly shifted away, ending that raw intimate moment. But that moment stained the air between us with a sad tension.
The sad tension lasted as we packed up. It lasted as we gathered our things. Thankfully, the rain lightened up enough for us to walk back to the canoe, load it up, and start heading back across the bay. All the while, not much was said. The only sound was the soft rain against the water and our jacket hoods above our heads.
As he rowed us across the bay, I couldn't help but think about how terribly I still wanted him. How much I still loved him. I knew in my gut Blake still wanted me. That's what was so heartbreaking. That we still wanted each other, but he could no longer trust me. So, moving away was the only solution. It had to be. If we're out of each other's lives, maybe the pain would finally fade away. It sure wasn't fading on it's own and today justified that.
I was blankly staring at my damp knees when he jolted me from my emotional mind.
"Have you forgiven yourself?"
I looked up to him. "What?"
As he continued rowing the wooden oars, his gaze remained neutral. "Have you forgiven yourself yet for all the things you've done?"
I arched a brow. "Of course I haven't." Was he curious or just trying to taunt me?
Though he brought it up randomly, I settled on he was just curious based on his thoughtful tone. "Not even a bit? You've done everything to better yourself, right?"
"That doesn't mean anything. Doesn't change or fix the damage I've done. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself – and I'm okay with that. I'm content with trying to do better."
"Well, that's good. But contentment isn't happiness."
"No, but being content is all I can do for now. I can't just... be happy. But I can be content and that's all I can handle being. It's all you can handle too. There is nothing wrong with being only content with our lives right now."
"That is quite an assumption you just made," he chuckled humorlessly, tightening his jaw.
My heart twisted. "I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that I know what you can or can't handle."
"No, you assumed I'm content. I'm anything but content."
He spoke so casually, but that sharpness in his eyes made my heart twist even more. The poor guy I loved wasn't just unhappy, he wasn't even okay with his life at this point. That... that's just not how it should be. Blake deserved nothing but to heal and to be happy, and knowing he was far away from that, was damn painful. It was the most painful thing about all this. Seeing his struggle hurt more than my own.
By the time we reached the dock and hauled the gear back up to his garage, the sky was more gloomy and the rain turned into a mist. I was desperate to go home – and I think he was ready to be alone too. So, the guy took his boots off and went to retrieve my purse from inside his house. Waiting for him on the porch... all I could think was how terribly I wanted to take away his pain. The least I could do was try to end today on a better note.
When he walked back out and handed me my purse, I slung it over my shoulder. "Thanks."
"Sure thing. You get home and get dry. And hey, even though it was a mistake, I still had fun too," he smiled sweetly to me.
"Um," I sighed, already blushing. "Listen, all I want is for you to be happy and I don't want to hold you back from that. That's my one selfish wish – just for you to be happy no matter the cost. You deserve nothing but the best. And I'm sorry for being stupid and awkward. I don't know what you're going through and didn't mean to assume I do."
My words were meant to ease the underlying tension. All it seemed to do for him... was bring it to the surface. His body stiffened and his eyes focused heavily on mine, as if my words caught him off guard.
"Wow, uh, yeah, thank you," he finally said, looking down. "That's really sweet of you to say."
"Well, you... have a goodnight, mister deer hunter," I said lightly with a smile, turning and heading down the steps.
"Yeah, you too."
My house in sight became blurry from the tears I've been holding in the past hour. It was a wonderful day... and that made it worse! It was so wonderful! I wanted to remember it forever. Wanted to relive it in my memory like all the other moments we shared. My mind already played back all the sweet moments, everything we talked about, every glance, his eyes, face, his laugh. If there was one thing I wouldn't forgive myself for, it was losing him. I would never forgive myself for that.
I meant what I said: he deserved to be happy. That's honestly what I wanted. And if it means he finds another girl, I will be happy for him. And me sticking around here wasn't doing us any favors. Hell, the guy admitted he was even more of a wreck than me basically – which I didn't think was possible. He didn't elaborate on why he wasn't content with anything. Maybe it was a good thing to not know.
Heading inside, I kicked off my boots and made my way to the bathroom. Christ, I bet I looked like pure shit after being outside all day. Flicking the lights on, I wiped away my tears, but my make-up was already faded from the long day. Removing my hat, the ends of my messy hair were damp. Thankfully, this ugly ass jacket—
"Fuck me," I groaned and sniffled, marching back to the door.
My desire to strip down, shower, get warm, and cry was delayed. Sliding my boots back on, I walked back into the cool misty evening. Taking off his jacket, I crossed the street and walked up the porch. With a sigh, I crouched down and set the hefty camo jacket next to the door.
Then, the second I straightened back up, the door flung open to my surprise.
Immediately, I wanted to kick my own ass. All I wanted was to mourn my relationship tonight like a loser and here he was again. Avoiding his eyes from where he stood in the door frame, I sighed. "Sorry I forgot about your jacket. You're lucky I didn't burn the ugly thing while I had the chance—"
"Do you know why I'm not content like you, Ruth?"
His sudden question made my mind trip and my eyes meet his.
He continued before I could answer. "It's because I'm constantly pissed off." Still wearing his under sweater and camo pants, he slid a tense hand through his hair. "I'm pissed at you and what you fucking pulled. Pissed at myself for allowing that one thing end everything. And I am fucking livid over the fact that I can't get you out of my fucking head and don't know what to do anymore! You're at least 'content' while I'm over here losing my mind."
His desperate but aggravated words captivated me – until that last part pinched a nerve. "You don't think I'm not dying on the inside? You're dead wrong if you think each day isn't torture for me. I'm content with the choices I made to change my life. I didn't fucking choose to lose you. So don't even think for a second I'm at peace and living my best life because it sucks right now."
Crossing his arms, his troubled eyes searched mine. "And me being happy will somehow make it all better for you? Even if it means finding someone else that makes me smile?"
"It won't make me feel better, but if you're happy, that's still what I want. That's literally all I want. It kills me knowing you're hurting."
"Well, lucky for you, it's not exactly that easy for me to be happy right now," he said with an exasperated chuckle.
"I know you're still pissed at me. You should be. But you shouldn't be conflicted. You did the right think by letting go of someone who betrayed you. You deserve better than that."
He studied me for a long second. I could feel the intensity filter away as the seconds passes. "Well, I'm sorry for inviting you out today. It was my mistake and didn't help us in any way. I didn't intend to blow up at you either; I just couldn't stop it. I've been really... pent up."
"It's okay. I can relate to being impulsive sometimes. I agreed to go with you which was just silly of me." Then, without thinking – I guess rather impulsively – I stepped closer and gave him a hug. A warm and supportive hug. "We just need more time." Time and a moving van. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that though.
The second he slid his arms around my back, I regretted even giving him a hug. Resting my chin on his shoulder, holding him to me, my insides tumbled. His warm body, simple scent, his thick facial hair... it made me close my eyes tightly.
We stayed there for a long minute. Neither of us wanting to move apart. When I didn't move back... he did – only enough to stare down into my face. The blue hue of the late day lit his face. And staring up into his eyes... feeling myself entirely wrapped in his arms... it made my heart crack open.
My fears, desires, sadness flooded out and into my veins, making me almost shudder as I stared up into his beautiful face. I didn't want to leave or look away. My willpower drained away and I felt completely lost.
I pressed my weight against his in a daze... until I backed him slowly against the frame of the door. Our eyes never wavered; just our hitching breaths. I could see the longing in his face. I could see he wanted it. Wanted my lips on his. Could feel him hold me tighter to him and his eyes bury themselves in mine.
I managed putting aside my impulsive tendencies these past few months. I guess Blake was the exception. Trailing my index finger over the ends of his hair, I leaned up towards his lips... and when he craned his head down too... I just couldn't resist and softly connected our lips.
A warmth bloomed in my chest. Oh, I missed this. Needed this. I knew I fucked up by kissing him, but honestly, this whole day was a big fuck up. And it was worth it. This was worth it. The contact brought nothing but pure relief and a kick to my broken heart. Gliding my lips gently against his, the wiry hairs brushing against my face sent tingles down my spine. With an exhale deeply through his nose, he returned the soft motion, following my lips with his.
When I pulled out of the gentle kiss, I opened my eyes up to his. I didn't know how he would react, but I searched his eyes, able to see the mutual desire. His eyes caressed my face, my eyes, my mouth. Then... his lips slowly dipped back down to mine, lightly kissing me.
He kissed me gingerly and sweetly once, then twice, three times. The short locks of our lips were smooth and gentle. When he reconnected our lips for a fourth time, they lingered on mine for longer. His fingers on my back spread wider, pulling me in tighter. I could feel the care and warmth in his lips as they parted mine wider, making my heart plunder and spin.
Through the heavy ugly fabric, I could feel how warm he was. I removed a hand from his back to clasp his neck, holding his loving lips to mine. Yes, there was a lot of love in them. His hands gently moved up and down my back as he nipped along my bottom lip. God, I missed this... missed how he felt.
Then, he suddenly turned us and pushed me inside through the ajar door. Our lips detached for a small second. Enough for him to slam the door shut and for me to see the intense love in his eyes. Cupping my face and pressing me against the closed door, he swallowed me in a passionate kiss.
Then, within seconds... all of our pent up emotions and desires surfaced – and it was fucking explosive.