IAN'S POV:
I had given up on the police for the day. I'd try again later. I'd surely be able to talk some sense into Janel today at some point. There were just too many people at the police station, and too little police taking reports and stuff. And I was just too famous to be seen there. My jacket seemed to be working, but I did get some strange looks, so I gave up. I'd waited a half an hour. I just wanted to get back to Janel. She's all I wanted to see right now. I HAD to fix this mess. I swear to God, if I found out who was trying to tear us up, I'd fucking kill them with my bare fucking hands. I always said that I'd make mamma bears look tame, if someone hurt my Janel. Well, they were hurting her NOW.
I noticed in the building entrance that Janel hadn't gotten the mail yet. Good. Maybe I'd just find the pics, and toss them so she'd never see them.
But then again....I couldn't hide anything. I'd have to tell her about the other texts and pics and calls today, too. So she could see that someone was deliberately fucking with us. I had them all on my phone still, just in case things got out of hand. I should have gone to the police when it first started. I just thought it would stop. I kept thinking this person would give up when they weren't getting any response from me! WHY hadn't that worked this time? I didn't get it.
I took the mail upstairs, and as I walked up, I saw another yellow packing envelope. Great. There's the pics. I didn't even want to see them. If it was something real, sure. But there was NOTHING real it could possibly be. So I didn't even care.
I opened the door, and I could see straight into the kitchen. Janel was down on the floor, leaning on the cabinets. She was breathing heavy and looked like HELL. Looked like she'd been crying for days. I took a few steps in, and her head started to bob and her arms started to jerk and she started falling over sideways. She was fainting I think.
I yelled her name, dropped the mail, left the door open, and ran to her. I wanted to catch her before she hit her head on the floor. But I couldn't get to her in time. DAMMIT!!!!! I cursed myself for not being there for her.
I got there right as her head hit, and I lifted her head in my hands and knealt over her.
My God, she looked terrible. Her face was puffy and soaked with tears. Her eyes were red and swollen, even being shut, they were red on the outside and all around them. She was in her tank top and undies only. Her heart was beating a million miles a minute as she lay lifeless in my hands.
I looked around. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to call an ambulance. I was pretty sure she'd only fainted. But why? I put her head down gently on the floor, and looked on the counter. No medicine or anything there. I looked on the kitchen table. A glass of orange juice. What was that for?
Maybe she DID take something? Maybe she was trying to kill herself? Shit. Shit.......SHIT! What do I do?
Then I noticed my phone on the floor below the table where the orange juice was.
I knealt over and picked it up and opened it. What was she doing with it? Calling 911 maybe?
As soon as I opened it, the first thing staring up at me, was some woman's pussy, held open by her fingers, with two of her other fingers inside of it.
That pic. Yes. That one.
She saw it. She saw them all. She saw all the texts. Maybe the call list.
And I hadn't told her about them to protect her from being stressed. And now......
I jumped up and went to the bathroom cabinet. I looked in it. We didn't usually have any medicine. We didn't need any. Just some over the counter pain relief stuff. One small bottle. And it was always here, in the medicine cabinet.
But where............was it? I frantically looked around. I didn't see the pain relief pills anywhere.
I looked all over the bathroom. In the bathroom closet....I looked in the bedroom. Back in the kitchen....FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!?
Did she overdose on them?
I didn't know what to think. But if I was wrong, and she hadn't just simply passed out, then I'd never forgive myself.
So I lifted my phone in my shaking hands, and called 911.
Then I grabbed Janel and sat leaning on the cabinets, with her limp in my lap, and wept. I couldn't even hold the phone up for the 911 operator. After I had given her the info she needed, I dropped the phone and said into the air, "I'm sorry....I can't.....I can't....." and broke into weeping.
My tears resoaked Janel's face as they poured off of mine.
This was all the worst dream possible. And I was going to wake up any second now. I knew it. I WOULD wake up. And Janel would be laying against me, warm, snuggled, loving me even in her sleep. (Sometimes she'd say my name in her sleep. Not often, but often enough. She even told me she loved me in her sleep a few times. More heart swelling moments I loved.)
I sat there, holding her head up to my face, with my head tilted down towards hers, sobbing. The sobs were getting harder and harder as the minutes went by. I could barely breathe. They hurt. My chest hurt. I knew she wouldn't die right now.....I wasn't afraid she was dead. Or dying. Mostly not, anyway.
But if she'd taken that bottle of pain killers, she'd need help soon to prevent any permanent damage, and or death in the near future. I knew this, because I'd had a friend in England who had taken a bottle of pain killers to get his parents' attention or die. Whichever came first, he'd said later.
And luckily his parents found him in time so he could have his stomach pumped and all, before damage was done. He could have died, they said.
So I knew a little about this.
I couldn't picture Janel going through life, being so strong and amazing, and then killing herself. It just didn't seem like her. But....she loved me "so much it hurts" she always said, so....I knew THAT feeling.
I had thought of suicide many times when the big, drawn out mess of breaking up with my first love was over. I didn't want to go on. I didn't want to hurt anymore. But, I loved my family, so it was only a quick thought a few times. Sometimes I'd wished I didn't have my family's love, so I could just die already and be out of my heartbroken misery.
But things ALWAYS get better. That's what I learned from that experience. And things DID get better. WAY fucking better. I found Janel. The woman I wanted to be with forever and then some.
And now someone out there was gonna be in some fucking trouble for all this.
I thought of this sicko and I couldn't help it. As my rage built, and the tears kept pouring, I yelled out loud. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!"
I didn't care who heard. I didn't care who cared.
And just after that, I heard the faint sirens. Please, please PLEASE let them be for Janel. Let them be coming HERE.
I looked down at her limp body. I checked her pulse in her neck real quick, just to make sure. Yep. Still alive. Good. Good. I could keep on living. This was good. So far. Of course, with the things she saw on my phone, apparently, and whatever pics were in the mail yet unseen, and whatever else this sicko had up his or her sleeve, I wasn't sure how LONG I'd get to keep on living. Because if I lost Janel....I didn't know WHAT I'd do. Especially losing her to something so STUPID. Something I didn't even do. Didn't even ever THINK of doing. I hadn't looked at another woman in over a year, come to think of it. Those pics the psycho sent me....they grossed me out! I had actually felt disgusted by them! Because they weren't Janel! They couldn't even compare to Janel and the beauty of her body parts. This is what my love for Janel had done to me. From the very first day I met her! I had chances...plenty of chances to flirt with and get with many women back in the first months after I met Janel. But I had ZERO interest! I hadn't even realized that until this moment. I was off the market way before I even KNEW I was off the market!
And now.....all this. Over NOTHING.
But I didn't blame Janel one single bit.
I should have showed her every single text as it came in. Told her about every call. Now, my entire fucking phone looked like a pervert's cheat lair.
God DAMMIT! I yelled that outloud, too.
And now, I could hear people coming up the steps. It had to be them. Finally.
I looked down at Janel again and kissed her wet, sticky, salty lips. My salts. Her salts. They were all mixed on her face now.
When I got done giving her a long, still kiss, she came to! I lifted my face and her eyes opened and tried to focus. She saw me, and I gave her a forced smile through my own tears and sticky salty lips.
She looked the opposite direction and then her stomach heaved.
I sat her up so she wouldn't choke if she threw up.
She leaned on me, and for a second, I felt almost normal. Janel leaning on me. It was all I could get right now. As close as I could come to us being "together" right now. I didn't want to end the moment. I said nothing. I just wanted her to stay leaning on me. Leaning on me made it feel like she still loved me. And I soaked in every second I could, until the EMT's got into the apartment, through the opened door with their gurney ready.
She was more awake now, but still heaving like she was gonna throw up. The EMT's asked her questions. "What's your name ma'am?....What year is it?......Did anyone hurt you?.....Did you take any medicines or drugs, ma'am?.......Anything at all?......"
Janel answered all the questions between a few heaves. She was more conscious now, and sitting up. No more leaning on me. My heart sunk when her warm back lifted off of me.
I noticed not once, did she look at me.
And my eyes noticed that too. More tears fell because of that.
Janel had told them she didn't take anything. She tried to drink orange juice because she thought she was gonna pass out, but then threw up and passed out anyway.
They said they needed to take her to the hospital anyway, just in case, because people didn't always tell the truth.
They let me ride in the ambulance with her to the hospital.
And the crowd outside the apartment had been embarassing. We didn't know any of the neighbors, so hopefully they didn't know me, either.
I waited in the waiting room for what seemed like HOURS. Actually, it WAS hours.
I texted the entire story to Stanley. He was pretty much my best close friend the past few years. Sure, I had other close friends, but Stanley knew everything about everything with me, because we were always together. You're always with your manager when you're a musician, apparently.
Stanley was upset. He tried to joke that I'd put her in the hospital twice now, but I had already thought of that, and I wasn't too laughy about it.
I would have called him, but I didn't want people to hear me in the waiting room. And I didn't want to get up and move anywhere, in case they came out to get me.
Stanley said I should have continued to tell her about the texts and pics and calls. He thought I had, everytime I told him about more that came. He said I done fucked up mate.
Great. Like I didn't know this already.
But he said he would've done it exactly the same way though. Not wanting to stress out his wife, he would've hidden it all too.
Blah blah blah......keep me posted as soon as I knew anything, he told me in the end.
I thought about whether to tell Bonnie or not. I decided yes. She'd find out anyway.
So I texted her too. I copied and pasted most of my story from Stanley, to Bonnie's text so I didn't have to write it all again. Same story. Only a few things different, cause Bonnie didn't know already about the harassing calls and texts and pics. So I had to add that in and change a few words.
Bonnie called me right away. I told her I texted her for a reason....heh hemm....privacy in public waiting room. She said oh, right.....and hung up, then texted me that she'd be right there.
And before I knew it, she WAS right there.
When I looked up from my head bent over in my lap in the chair, as more silent tears fell, there was Bonnie. That was quick.
I told her more of a detailed story this time, quietly. Showed her the texts, the nasty pictures, and told her about the mailed pics and the ones we hadn't even opened yet from this morning.
She smacked my head and told me I should have kept Janel informed the entire time.
I couldn't even get the words "I know" out, and I started sobbing again, like a little kid.
Bonnie once again, took my head on her shoulder, and wrapped her arms around me and let me cry it out. She was like my own mum away from mum sometimes. But I didn't want to steal any part of her, so she could be Janel's, instead. Even though she had her own kids. I wanted to save whatever she had left, all for Janel. She's all Janel had besides me. And right now....I wasn't sure Janel even thought she had ME anymore.
That thought lead to another outburst, just when I was getting over my first one on Bonnie's shoulder. She kept patting my head, telling me how I can't always do the right thing. Sometimes you think something's the right thing, and it ends up being the wrong thing....but it's the thought that counts. And Janel would see that. She had to. She knew how much Janel loved me, and Janel would come around eventually. Hopefully sooner than later.
And she said she'd be here for me, even if Janel hated my guts.
I lifted my soggy head from her soggy shoulder, and asked her why she believed me so easily, when she had been cheated on horribly. She said she just knew me, and she just knew I wasn't like that.
She could always tell her husband was like that. She was just in denial the entire time, becasue she wanted someone to love her. So she ignored all the signs all of her marriage.
Yeah. I told her I had done that a time or two, my own self, thinking that ignorance was bliss, as long as I still had the person. But later I realized, I didn't have the person anyway, so I'd never want to be ignorant again.
We talked for what seemed like hours. Maybe it was.
The nurse had come out only once so far, and told us Janel was fine, and she was resting while test results were pending.
I asked if I could see her, but the nurse said Janel requested that no one come see her.
I knew she meant ME. I'm sure if she'd known Bonnie was here, she would have let Bonnie in to see her. I asked the nurse what about Bonnie, and told her Janel didn't know she was here, and the nurse said she'd let Janel know she was here.
That was it.
And we waited more.
Then later, another nurse came out, and said Janel requested that Bonnie come see her.
Bonnie gave me a sad look and took my hand for second, and told me she'd put in a good word for me, and walked back with the nurse.
I waited probably an hour longer. Alone. Heartbroken. Hurting. And trying not to sit there and cry. I was tired of the people looking at me pitifully.
Bonnie finally came out and said I could stay here, or she could take me home because it was a long walk. I said, "so it went that well for me, eh?"
She sighed and tightened her lips. "Janel told me her whole side of the story, and she's absolutely convinced that you cheated on her." So we're gonna have to work on it slowly. Or hope she wises up on her own.
I asked Bonnie if she could take me to the police station instead of home. I didn't want to be there without Janel.
Bonnie said Janel might get out tonight. They were waiting a few hours to see if any medicine showed up in her blood after a few tests. They'd already done some, but different medicines go into your bloodstream and kick in at different rates. So probably one or two more blood tests, if they were also clean, as they all had been so far, and she could go home.
So THAT'S what we were waiting for all this time.
I was sooooo relieved that Janel hadn't actually tried to kill herself. She had merely fainted.
Probably after seeing the contents of my phone. I'll never, ever forgive myself for that.
Bonnie took me to the police station and she came in with me. I wondered if she had ANY doubts about my story, and just wanted to make sure I actually reported it all to the police.
The police took my report, printed out copies of all my texts, nasty pictures, and even my phone records with each number. They said they saw temporary number apps being used all the time. It was the perfect anonymity for psychos and stalkers and ex's, etc......
They said it takes quite a while to contact the app people and trace what numbers were used with what phone. They said they couldn't always do it, either. But they'd try.
And since Janel put herself in the hospital by fainting and even if she'd overdosed on pain killers, that had nothing to do with the psycho sending all the stuff. That was Janel's own choice or own bodily function, so we couldn't get this asshole for attempted murder or anything like that.
It just never works out for Janel in that way, I tell you. Or me.
Most we could get this person on was harassment and stuff like that. Maybe a few counts and a few different charges. But again, it'd take a while.
My heart didn't have "a while".
My heart was aching NOW.
Bonnie saw my heartbreak as we walked out of the police station.
"Oh Ian.....she'll come around. She's got to. She loves you." she reassured me.
"Well, right now, she doesn't.' I said, pitifully and tearfully.
"I'm sorry Ian. Had I known Janel would hear all of my man hating gossip over the years....I wouldn't have bashed men so badly near her." Bonnie said to me at the car.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"Bonnie told me today that she'd heard me bashing men and telling other employees how evil and cold hearted they were. How they ALL cheat, and if they didn't, they would eventually, etc......all the nasty things I said, when I thought no one was listening, when I poured my heart out at work, going through my divorce years ago. I was venting. I was hurt. I was cheated on sooo badly. Treated so horribly. Abandoned with my kids. Lost my family life. My home. Everything I had worked so hard to build.
And it was a really bad situation, Ian. It was BAD. You know that. Janel has told you.
I was used, abused, cheated, and abandoned by a man.
And Janel heard me talk about it all, she just revealed to me today when I saw her in the hospital.
I didn't know that. So I'm sorry that everything she heard from me, and from other employees experiences too, taught her that ALL men cheat. And that helped to make it more real in her mind.
That helped to make it possible for you to cheat on her, I suppose.
I'm so sorry Ian." Bonnie's voice trailed off, and she was the one to burst into tears this time.
So I repayed her with my shoulder and supportive hug.
I told her it wasn't her fault at all. And she never could have known.
And yes, most men cheat. My own dad had gone through some "iffy" times a while back, which I'd written a song about, and going through that as a young teen, cemented my mom's heartbreak and crying at night and all her pain, into my head. And I knew then, that I could NEVER do that to someone. I could never treat them like that, and hurt them that way. Now if only Janel knew this about me. Would it help? I wondered.....probably not.
I was in for the fight of my life.
And I would NEVER stop fighting it.
EVER.
I decided right there, in that parking lot.
Bonnie offered to drop me at the apartment, but I told her I needed to walk. I could'nt just sit there in the apartment, waiting for Janel to come home and hate me and throw me out, most likely.
I didn't know where I'd walk, but I just needed to walk.
She understood, and she gave me one last glance to check my decision as she pulled away.
And I walked.
I ended up at the park, right away. I didn't even mean to. I just....went there. And I sat under the walking path tunnel. Our rocks were still in place. I wondered if anyone else had sat upon them in all these months. I sat there on my rock, and I pictured Janel sitting on hers. Stretching out her finger, to touch mine. Touching a human being for the first time in......who knows how long. And before that, the only touching that had happened to her was violent. Painful.
I remembered her getting brave and moving her fingers across my palms. And up my arms. And inspecting my sleeve of tattoos. I remembered how good it had felt. And how I felt guilty when Mini had moved in my pants from her touch.
It all seemed like sooooo long ago. I almost couldn't remember Janel as that shy, quiet, slow talking, highly observant, innocent girl anymore. She was just Janel now. And I loved the hell out of her. I loved who she'd become in the past year. Her true personality was able to come out. Her humor. Her sarcasm. Her love........
I felt hot tears getting ready to spill over my eyes. I had cried so much today, surely there couldn't be more to come. But I was wrong. I loved this woman with my entire heart and soul, and I was on the verge of losing her, for no good reason at all. There HAD to be a way to prove to her that I hadn't cheated on her. Ever.
I sat on the rock and wracked my brain. But all I could come up with was waiting for the police to find who was doing this to us. Janel's life had been heartbreak from day one. She didn't deserve another second of it. And now....she was heartbroken. She had seen my phone. She had been so severely hurt by it, that she passed out! I sat there, with my head in my hands and stared at the small rocks between my feet.
When I finally got up, I walked out of the park. And I ended up sitting on the wall I had sat on when I first saw Janel. Across the street. By the light pole. Touching it. Touching her face. Just trying to survive with any form of human touch she could get.
And now, she's in the hospital room, alone, with a broken heart.
Why did people keep fucking everything up for us? Johnny in LA, now this psycho stalker....
I walked more, and after a long time, I ended up at the hospital. I didn't even know if she was still there or not. She could be home already. But I thought she might stay till tonight or tomorrow morning.
I waited in the waiting room, then I decided fuck this. I went in the direction I'd seen Bonnie go when she visited Janel earlier. I'd check every room in the hospital if I had to, to find her.
But I didn't have to. After making the left at the end of the hall, the third door on the right, was Janel.
Her room was getting dark with the setting sun. She was asleep in the bed.
I walked in as quietly as possible and stood at her bed.
She looked beautiful as usual. But for me, today, she looked even more beautiful because I hadn't gotten to see her most of the day.
I knew at any moment a nurse would come in and catch me here, so I soaked in every detail of her hair splayed around her head on her pillow. Her lips open ever so slightly. Her eye lashes facing down towards her cheeks....
I couldn't help it. I reached down and touched her hand lightly. She didn't move, so I went further. I picked her hand up in my hands, and cupped it over the top and bottom. She was right. People heat felt great. I bent my head down and touched my face to her hand.
And before I lifted my head back up, I left a kiss on the top of her hand.
And a tear. By mistake.
Then she moved. She breathed in deep and moved. I was afraid to look up. But I did. And she was staring at me.
"Janel baby....I love you so much it hurts." I whispered to her and gave her a slight smile as I tried to blink back my tears.
"Ian...." she began. My mind was reeling with just her saying my name. Every ounce of my body was anxiously waiting for her to say "I love you too" or something like it.
"Why are you here?" was all she ended up saying.
My smile disappeared, into a pathetic frown. My entire chest crushed into my heart, squeezing it.
"I had to see you." I told her quietly.
"Well you had to see a lot of people. So you don't have to see me." her words stabbed my ears, then went through them and down into my heart to stab that.
Ouch.
"Baby....What will it take for you to realize..." I tried to talk sense into her, but she cut me off.
"Please leave. Just leave. You might as well go back to England. Go home, Ian. Tell your parents I enjoyed meeting them. They were so great. Tell your friends what you did. And throw that blanket away in your house." she said coldly. But when she got to "blanket", her voice cracked and tears fell down her cheeks.
She was hurting. Bad. Maybe worse than me. I didn't think it was possible to hurt worse than me, but she probably was. I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her and take away her hurt. Replace it with my love. But she didn't want my love.
Her words had made me flinch in pain. And a single tear rolled down my cheek.
When she saw it, she looked away quickly. "I said LEAVE, Ian. GO." she told me again.
I was glued to that spot, though. I couldn't go. I couldn't leave. I couldn't move. I couldn't walk away from her side.
"Please Janel. My God, pleeeeease." I mumbled.
I couldn't not touch her anymore. She was MINE. I was HERS. Dammit. I COULD touch her.
And I bent down over her, and put one knee up on the bed by her side, and leaned in to hug her.
Miraculously, she let me! She didn't push me away as I scooped my arms around her back and put my face close to hers. She didn't move into my hug, though. Even when I buried my face in her neck. She stayed stiff. Cold. Mean. Broken.
"I said GO! LEAVE!!!!" she said a little louder than she probably should have.
I stood straight up quickly, and opened my mouth to say something, but I had nothing. I didn't know what to say. Nothng came to mind. Nothing came out of my mouth.
She lifted her arm and pointed towards the door.
Ouch again.
I sighed a helpless, jagged sigh, and looked at her for a few seconds longer, as more tears rolled out of my eyes. She kept her arm up, pointy finger aimed at the door, giving me a stern look, but not looking AT me. I could tell she was trying with all her might to be tough, but I knew she was ready to explode into a ball of emotion. I could just tell. But there was nothing I could do.
I turned slowly, my head facing down and started walking towards the door. Bonnie walked in just then. I looked up at her one quick second, then my head aimed back at the floor and I kept walking, right past her and out of the room, where I wasn't wanted.
I got out of the hospital and didn't know where to go now.
Janel didn't want me at her apartment. Stanley was in the UK still. My parents were in the UK. My good old friends were in the UK.
I suddenly realized how alone I was in this huge ass country. I was totally alone.
I had no one at this moment.
I went to the hotel I used to stay at last year. It was another lonnnnng walk to get there.
I checked into a small room, and layed on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Somehow, I drifted off to sleep. Probably exhausted from stress and heartbreak.
JANEL'S POV:
I couldn't breathe. I told him to leave. I told him to leave. Why did I do that? HOW did I do that? I just couldn't. I couldn't deal. I couldn't have him there when I was hurting so badly. Because having Ian there was making me melt and making me lose my stance on the whole situation. And my stance was that he cheated on me. He was messing around with other women. Or woman. Whatever it was.....he hurt me. All the evidence was there. And believe me...I was TRYING to find a way to believe HIS side of the story! I WAS!! I wanted it to be not true. But there was just too many facts against him.
My mind was in constant thought. Trying to remember when he could have possibly cheated. When I was with Martin, probably. I went there a lot, in preparation for getting a job in the group home kitchen. Ian went with me a lot of times, but sometimes he just stayed home to "make calls and deal with music stuff".
And the pictures....no one could fake a picture that well. There was nothing fake about it. I went over the pictures in my head. Over and over and over.......everything just pointed against him.
But I wanted it to be HIS side to win, so badly.
This was so painful. I went over the evidence in my head more than I needed to, just to give my brain something to do so I wouldn't hurt. Because when I thought of not being with Ian anymore, I hurt. SOOOOO badly, I just wanted to die. It hurt just to LOVE him in general. So NOT being able to love him?
IMPOSSIBLE PAIN.
And seeing him cry. Seeing him so sad.....that hurt me worse than anything. Even though it was his own fault. Why should I feel bad for him?
I couldn't help it.
He SEEMED so innocent.
Was he innocent? Was it a trick? But all the evidence.....all the things he's said in the past about men needing women, sex not being special if it's just sex.....always horney......women manipulating men with sex.....
Gaahhhhhhhh! See? There I go again.
I thought of how pathetic and broken Ian looked as he left my hospital room. It was all I could do to keep myself in this bed and NOT get up and run over to him and crush him into a hug and tell him I loved him and not to ever go. My body actually jumped a few times...like those weird jerks you get at night sometimes when you're falling asleep? Yeah. Those. My body did that, because it kept starting to get up to get Ian back. I actually found myself holding on to the bed rails so I could keep myself there, and not crawl back to him.
I mean...if he cheated already, he'd cheat again. Bonnie and her employee friends had said that over and over again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater".
Could I deal with this again?
No.
And then my brain started making excuses and trying to convince me that "well, you COULD just have Ian, and ignore him cheating...at least you'd still have him, right?"
NO.
NO, brain! NOOOOO.
That's not what love is.
Unless you're like those people who have sex with other people...together. I'd seen that in movies, and Ian told me a little about them. Swingers, I think he called them. That just seemed weird. How could you watch your loved one have sex with someone else? Wouldn't you be jealous???
Anyway.....no. I don't want Ian if I don't have ALL of Ian. To mySELF. And if he can't give me that, then I'll just have to be without him.
God, it was so hard being 'tough'.
Being tough was really painful.
Bonnie came into the room as Ian was leaving, which was probably good, because my mind already had me up and running to Ian in my head. It could have happened. But luckily, Bonnie distracted me.
I saw him look at her, then look away. Was she mad at him too? Did she find out more evidence?
Because she was on HIS side, last time she talked to me. Trying to talk me into going back to him, saying it wasn't his fault and he didn't do anything.....which also messed with my mind, because SHE knows guys cheat, so why was she sticking up for Ian so much?
Huhhhhh. So confusing.
What if I have it all wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if Ian IS innocent?????
No. The evidence. All around me. And I haven't even seen the newest envelope of pictures yet. They're still in the mail at home.....
"You let Ian in finally?" Bonnie asked me when she got to my bed, and leaned over to give me a hug.
"No. I don't know how he got in here. But I told him to leave. He was distracting me." I said coldly.
"Janel, honey......you shouldn't be so hard on Ian. You KNOW in your heart that he didn't do these things. I know you know it. I don't even love Ian like you do, and I know in my OWN heart!" Bonnie blabbed on, trying to help Ian's case.
"Why are you on his side? You of all people KNOW how men are! Why would you want me to be cheated on and just forgive it?" I asked her sort of with an attitude.
"Because I KNOW he didn't do anything, Janel. I KNOW IT." she still kept her own stance.
"Because you don't want to see me lose him? Because he's rich and famous? I don't get it. Why do you know? Is there something that proves he didn't do it? Because let me know if there is! I'd LOVE to change my mind! I'm in so much pain, I can't eat. I can't drink. I can't even barely MOVE. But I will NOT go back to someone who lied and cheated like this. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right? That's what you and your friends always said." I told her.
"No. There's nothing that proves he didn't do it. But just knowing Ian. Seeing the way he looks at you when you're not looking. Seeing the way he's cared for you this past year and a half. Seeing how much patience and understanding and concern and thought he's put into you every single day....seeing how he read your chart but still came back the next day, and didn't give up on you.....seeing the way he smiles at you when you're not looking and he thinks no one else is looking.....there's NO WAY in HELL that this man did anything wrong to you. I'd bet my LIFE on it, Janel. And I can't see how after all he's been through with you, how you can't give him the chance to at least TRY and prove whoever's doing this, wrong! How could you give up on him so quickly?" Bonnie said, getting more and more...annoyed at me.
Hearing all that....about Ian smiling at me when I'm not looking....and everything he's done for me.....I burst into tears.
"Did you even see the pictures someone mailed to us? Because until you do, please don't tell me anything else wonderful about Ian, ok? You're making it hurt so much more!" I sobbed into my white hospital blanket covered knees.
"I didn't see the pictures. I heard about them. And believe me. People can REALLY photoshop pictures to make them look totally real. It's so easy nowadays, people can do them with their cell phones, even!" Bonnie told me.
I just sat there, head into my knees, crying. Sobbing. Gasping. Bonnie didn't even come hug me and hold me like she usually would have, like a mom. She must really be brainwashed by Ian and his story.
The doctor came in just then, and asked if I was ok and feeling ok. I told him yes, I just had some issues going on. He told me that the last set of blood tests were back, and they could safely say there was no medicines in my system, besides birth control pills, and I would be released in a few minutes. A nurse would be in to give me my discharge papers, and I could go. I could even get dressed now, he said.
Yay.
I could go back to my apartment that is full ONLY of Ian memories. First kisses, first body touches, first orgasms. Dinners together, cuddling on the couch.......
Great.
Shit. Is Ian gonna be there when I get home? I didn't even think of that. He has nowhere else to go, so he's probably sitting there right now. Waiting for me to come home, so he can try and convince me more, that he's innocent.
Bonnie drove me home after I got out. I asked her to wait in the car, because if Ian was there, I was gonna spend the night at her house.
I ran upstairs and checked. The door was unlocked. I walked in, and everything was dark.
The evidence pictures were still on the coffee table. The glass of orange juice was still in the kitchen.
No one in the bathroom, and no one in the bedroom.
I guess he's not here. I guess he's.......probably with whatever whore he's been messing with behind my back. My entire body shuddered hard at that thought. The thought of Ian with someone else. Him being close to her. Touching her. Her touching him.....
The pain of those thoughts was so bad, I had to balance myself on the nearest wall, and stop and get myself to breathe right again. I was dizzy. I was weak. It was just like when I fainted.
God dammit, Ian. WHY???????????
Bonnie. I forgot Bonnie was waiting for me. I found my phone in the bedroom and texted her that he wasn't here, thanked her for bringing me pants and shoes and taking me home. And I thanked her for trying to save my relationship with Ian, but that I just couldn't see how he was innocent.
She texted back to call her if I needed her. Or if Ian showed up later and I needed to come over.
I thanked her again.
I closed the door, locked it, and went to bed.
As soon as I layed down, I started crying.
And I didn't stop for a long, long, lonnnng time.
Long after my tears ran out, I was still sobbing and whining and making pitiful sounds, from the pain of the heartbreak. The pain of wondering what....or WHO he was doing right now.
When my voice was hoarse and dry, and my eyes were past the point of burning, I fell asleep. It was bed time anyway.
Worst day of my entire life. I'd rather have gotten beaten every single second of this entire day, than to have the day end up like it did.