『Perfection isn't achieved when there is nothing more to add but when there is nothing more to take away.』
Day thirty-one: triggered memories
Izuku shudders in his sleep feeling a strange sense of danger wash over him. He feels scared being forced into a dream state when his father was so worried about his condition. He knows his father did this, his father has done this almost every night, but why he did it is still unclear. And that's what troubles his dreams.
He knows he is unwell he has a strong urge to follow a pull whenever his eyes slip shut. He feared the pull was death itself trying to lure him away for the rest of eternity, but if felt too warm and caring, in every thing he's heard and read, death was a cruel cold hearted monster.
Death would take him away from everything. His family and his friends, his home and his life. Well maybe not his friends, he has no friends. Maybe that kind lady at the coffee shop could be his friend?
But he's just distracting himself. The darkness closes in on his mind and he feels time slow down. Last time he was brought into this dream he saw... what should he call that voice? His friend? His insanity? No that sounds informal and rude. Did they have a name he could call them? And that other one. A boy? The voice was arguing with him over that hero? It's all so dark and fuzzy. When was that? The same day as the coffee shop? The voice was yelling at him. His father was yelling for him. And the hero- the same boy as in that memory he was forced to watch. The boy who talks to him in his mind trapped him and made him watch that awful seen of a boy trapped by smile. That was the same blond as the one who was yelling at him! What was he yelling?
Was it deku? Dekiru? Dear... darling! That's what he'll call them, darling. His body warms at the idea of having not one, but two darlings. He finds the word so memorable. So easy to say. It's familiar like so many things, Like he's heard it some where. His mind agrees persuading him to investigate.
He focuses hard on the thought digging through thousands of clogged memories and hazy dreams. He floats through the dark plain aimlessly, looking for something he can't see. He feels something cold settle against his chest a press down, it repeats the motion in different places successfully making Izuku loose track of thought. He looks down but sees nothing on him.
The boy sighs knowing it's something that must be happening in the real world.
The real world sounds nice. Izuku can't help but wonder what a life in the real world would be like. Able to go anywhere and meet new people anytime. A loving family that go out together on the weekends. School, college and even work! Meeting strangers in the park at night or late afternoon study sessions in a coffee shop. All the things he's read and heard about.
That time he took Eri to a coffee shop was so nice. Walking through a park with a cool winter breeze. Mittens and coats with the smell of coffee, burnt sugar and crisp mint.
Izuku subconsciously relaxes in to the familiar sents his mind brings back. That was such a nice day but how did it end?
Why does his memory of that day end abruptly as they left the coffee shop. How did they get home?
What did they make for dinner? Did he tell his father and brother about their day, as Eri bounced happily in her chair adding in exited noises.
Even the little things of why can't he remember brushing his teeth, or getting into his pyjamas. He can't remember trying to fall asleep either. He usually has such strange dreams too.
Oh izuku~
"Who?" Izuku's mind goes blank and when it's back he's standing in the dark void not floating. "Not again." He complains, looking around. "I just had to jinx it."
Izuku listen to me okay, this is important.
"No I don't wanna! My head hurts and I want to sleep!" Izuku argues still looking for an escape.
Izuku you are already sleeping. Your father put you to sleep. That means it's my time to talk.
Izuku groans. "Fine, what do you want?" I want you to realise you're not izuku.
The white haired boy laughs. "But I am izuku?" NO! Izuku freezes at the loud voice.
You are a clone! You are not me! I am not you! We are different. We aren't the same! Izuku backs up the voice echoing around him. But he never escapes. It just follows him. "I'm Izuku Shigaraki, that's my name. What's yours?" He asks hopefully. Wasn't one of his ideas, to find out the voices name?
I am the original. I am izuku Midoriya. I look nothing like you. I act nothing like you. But you are still my clone.
"Right because that's not confusing in the slightest." Izuku mumbles. "So you're saying you're me?" He asks. No! The voice shouts. I came first! I'm the original! You only exist because I did first!
"Where are you mi-" Izuku freezes. Can he call the voice by its name? Go on say it. The voice demands. Say it and I'll show you. Izuku shakes his head. "I can't believe I'm indulging you. Fine. Where are you Midoriya?" He says.
Finally.
FINALLY!
FINALLY!
A cold hand snakes around Izuku's face from behind. The other circles his waist. He's trapped again. "It's nice to be back, is it not?"
Izuku can't speak. The hand on his mouth is suffocating him. He can't move. "Aww can you not speak I-zu-ku?" The voice lulls. "A shame, do you want my help? I can help you, but you'll need to do something in return." The voice says pressing into Izuku's back. "It's simple really." They whispers into the others ear. Izuku stays still and the voice laughs.
"They were Telling you to watch out and to remember. That they know you and want to help you. The called you sweet names and reached out to you. Someone reached out to you." The voice sighs grip loosening. "Do you know why?" They asks getting no response. "It's because they think you're me!"
Izuku tries to speak but it comes out muffled. "What's that imposter? You wishes they'd come visit you now?" Izuku shakes his head muffling more words against the cold hand. "Here you're all alone aren't you? It's okay izuku." The voice says stroking the boys face. "I'm here now. I can always be here."
A feeling shakes izuku to his core. He hates to be alone. So many fuzzy memories of his mother leaving him, or loved ones who go. His father promised he'd never be alone but that promise was broken many years ago. It's as if Izuku was too blind to see it. Or admit it. That or he's too forgiving, making excuses to accept why his father really isn't there for him.
But his father would argue with him. Defending himself to the end. Speaking softly with harsh words. Making Izuku understand. Because Izuku will always understand.
"Except you won't." The other Izuku says letting go of the boy.
"look at that. After all this time Izuku is still that confused little boy sitting alone on a park bench, swinging his legs back and forth waiting patiently for someone to collect him. Waiting for the familiar tune. The warmth, the love. Listening for the footsteps that come running back for him. His mother didn't mean to leave him, she didn't realise! No way, she loved him to no end, wanted to keep him close to her! There's no way she wanted him gone! Not forever at least... surely not forever!" The boy screams from behind the white haired boy.
"Watch this." The boy whispers.
"Won't you sit with me here in the quiet of times,
Waiting for morrow that temps you and I."
The soft lullaby starts to chime somewhere far off. It's quite and sounds like a low buzz if you don't know the words. The white haired boy feels the grasp of the black whips that bind him.
【Mama why did you have to disappear on me?】
"So won't you stay with me darling, don't whisper goodbye.
Stay right here, forever by my side."
【Mama please come back! I thought you wanted me! I-I don't want to be here, please I'm so lost! I don't know what to do. I'm scared I need help I want you back! Please just take me back!】
"So hold me close to you darling
And kiss me goodnight
Smile for me one last time
And give me the chance,
To memories all the things that I can't understand."
The words get louder as Izuku frantically wipes away tears that seem never ending. He wishes he could run. His younger voice cracks and he sounds so painful when he speaks out. It's painful to hear.
The words seem to flow as if his inner most thoughts are melting away. They make no sense to him but he can see the light spot on the horizon that brings the sound closer.
"What's that?" He asked the other.
【I don't understand! I can't remember anything!! Please mama, Kacchan, shochan. Please just find me! Find me my darlings】 The voice grows older sounding like he does now.
"So sing this song like I do
And be back in my arms
please don't wave goodbye.
I see you the next sunrise."
The light acts like the sun raising higher and higher, becoming bigger and brighter. Words slip through the other boys lips and Izuku tries to holds back his tears. Why is he reacting to this? The light covering the dark mass like a sped up version of night to day. "Midoriya what is that!" He asked again more panicked.
The lyrics seem to match everything too closely and it only distresses Izuku further. Every word has him longing for his mother's embrace. A gentle head pat from his father. His real father. The one who smiles comically, the one who smells of coffee. The father who cares about him and never left. "I don't know him!" Izuku defends looking to his left. "Midoriya!! Midoriya answer me!" He begs the greenett.
"Watch as the sun shines and I start to cry." The voice merges with a woman's. It's his mother's.
The white light surrounds the boy. He shields his eyes in fear of being blinded.
"So let me sing to you darling my last lullaby,"
He opens his eyes. A beautiful woman sits happily singing to a bundle of joy she calls her son.
"Tomorrow brings a new day that hold brighter skies."
Her hair is mossy green and tied half up in a bun. Her eyes shine like emeralds and crinkle as she smiles. She looks down to her son who has the same emerald eyes flecks of gold catching the sun and glowing warmly. They seem so happy and content. Just the two of them together. The mother strokes through the younger boys hair singing softly.
"I'll trust in you so that we both get to fly,"
Izuku finds himself reaching forward towards the projection. He breaks through the black binds to take wobbly steps forward. His hand is shakily outstretched as his feet start to run towards them. No matter how fast he runs he doesn't seem to gain any ground. Izuku.
"Out of this place we suffer it will be our demise."
Izuku.
The lady lays a kiss on the young boys forehead and Izuku feels it. A lingering warmth right on his head. It spread through his body creating a drive like no other.
"So just abide a bit longer
As it all will pass us by"
"Izuku!"
Izuku stumbles as he's grabbed from behind. "Izuku don't. It's over. We lost her. We both did. It's not our fault but you can't-" the voice breaks. "We can't go after her."
The memory fades. Disappearing like a star in the sky. A smoke screen vanishing when a strong draft hits it.
"No!" Izuku screams out. He bearly processes his reactions. Grabbing at the fast darkening dream. "Please bring her back! Bring my mother back!" He begs. Over the sound of his desperation his mother's voice still sings out. A soft calming ringing that's left. "Izuku don't-" the greenett says softly.
"I know in the end.
I'll see you again..."
The lullaby fades away into quiet peace. Izuku let's out a sob feeling so trapped and abused. Through his crying a whispered phrase is spoken.
"I'll always see you my darling, Mama loves you so very much."
The words seem to linger just a tad too long, bringing more pain.
Izuku falls to the ground watery green eyes looking up. "It's okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far. You are still a part of me." The other boy says looking down with matching watery green eyes.