[please read notes at the bottom in the end]
[TW: MINOR IMPLIED R*PE]
[TW: MINOR IMPLIED R*PE]
—
Hajime is 6 years old when he is sitting on a bench at some train station, his little legs dangling. The trains are so loud. There aren't many people around; It's late at night.
Hana grabs his little hand and squeezes as she huddles him closer to herself. He looks up at her with his wide emerald baby eyes. She's crying. She's crying so bad. She wipes at her snotty nose and shivers.
He doesn't understand.
"Why did mommy leave us here?" He asks her, confused.
She wipes her face with her sleeve and looks down at him. She tries her best to smile and wraps her arms around her brother, "she will come back."
"But why?"
"She— She went to get money for us."
"I'm hungry."
"We'll get some food when she comes back, okay?"
Hajime nods his round head and puffs his cheeks out.
Why does mommy has to go to that hotel? ... Why can't she take them with her? It's so cold.
"Hana, darling!"
He whips his head up to see his mother walking towards them, A man in tow. He is smoking a cigarette. Hajime keeps quiet. He hates the smell of cigarettes.
"He's hungry. Can we go?" Hana is quick to get up.
"Well, honey. . . ," their mother claps her hands once, "Trevor said he'll be an absolute darling and pay us for the whole week... if," she pauses to smile down at Hajime, carefully choosing her words, "if you'll go. . . play with him, Instead."
"Are you out of your mind?" Hana pushes their mother back, her small hands only doing so much. Her eyes are wide as she was wails even louder, "I'm not doing it again! Please! I don't— please! I can't! Don't make me—" Hana clutches her arm tightly.
What's happening?
Hajime stares at them with a surprised expression.
The man (tre... war?) winks at Hajime and drops his cigarette down, smashing it with his shoe. Their mother slaps hana across the face. Hajime gasps. His words are stuck in his throat. She grabs her daughter's arm and drags her into the train. Hana struggles and screams.
'Don't leave me alone!' Hajime wants to shout at her. He can't. He can't open his mouth.
Their mother glances back to nod. He slowly nods back until he realises that she's nodding at the man. Hajime stares up at him. The train zooms past them in a blurring motion. Hana's cries now just a passing sound.
"Hey kid what's your name?" The man is asking. Hajime can't speak. Are they going to come back for him?, "it's Ha-jime right? Your mommy told me."
Hajime shallows, "are ... they going to come back?"
"Oh yes," the man grins at him, "of course they'll come back for you. Do you want to wait in my room until they come? It's cold out here."
He does want to go. He's seen the interior of hotels countless times when his mother made them wait in the lobby. Hana always stole some food for him from the kitchen.
The man is smiling down at him. He runs a hand through his curly hair.
"Hana says not to talk to strangers."
"Aw i'm no stranger! I'm your mommy's dear friend, right? And my name is Trevor. See? Not a stranger."
"..."
"We could play video games?," grin, "and I also have chocolate. And a heater ... it really is cold, you know."
Hajime chews on his chapped bottom lip, "Okay."
Trevor beams at him and grabs his hand.
He's leading Hajime in the train. He's leading him in the hotel. In the lobby. Up the elevator. Into his room. He's Handing Hajime chocolate. Grabbing his T.V remote. Turning up the volume. locking the door. Unbuckling his pants.
—
Hajime is 8 years old when Hana is sitting on her knees, trying to tie a black bow around his collar. He tucks a strand of her hair that escapes from her bun behind her ear. She glances up at him to smile gratefully, "this. This is going to be good, Hajime."
"How can you know?"
"well I don't . . . but at least we'll have a bed. And food whenever we want. I think that man is quite rich."
"Did she tell you that? Have you seen him before?"
"No. Mother didn't have to tell me. I saw the car he was driving. It's worth millions."
"How can we trust him?"
She finishes tying his bow and stands up. She puts her hands on either of his shoulders and looks down at him. She's grown quite tall, "we can't. I'll protect you. I'm never going to leave you alone. He wants an heir to his company. Nothing else. He didn't even want me but mom told him she won't marry him until He accepts me too." She sighs. He frowns at her,
"Whats an heir?"
A pause.
"You are."
-
Hajime is 10 years old when someone is shouting his name in his sleep. He can't wake up. Why can't he open his eyes? He's back in that hotel room, struggling. He can't wake up he can't—
"Hajime!"
Hajime gasps and sits up in his bed. Sweat lines on his forehead. His shirt is clammy. He shakes his head.
The large chandelier above his head casts shadows on the man sitting in front of him, "are you alright, son?"
"Yeah ...yeah," his voice wavers, "i'm fine."
He hands him a glass of water. Iwaizumi accepts it gratefully and chugs some of it.
"Was it a nightmare?"
"Sure, Mr. Iwaizumi."
"It's been two years, Hajime," he smiles kindly, "you can call me dad."
Hajime doesn't answer and keeps his gaze downwards. His hands keep shaking slightly but continuously. He grips the glass even tighter.
"You wanted to take my name, did you not?"
"Yes. I don't regret it."
Mr. Iwaizumi nods with a soft expression, "I love you. Iwaizumi Hajime. You're my son."
Hajime nods at him. This man cares about him. He genuinely cares for his wellbeing. Hajime will never understand why he's in love with someone like his mother.
-
Hajime is 13 years old when he witnesses what a badass Agata Sakura is.
"You're getting married Hana! And that's final!" Their mother is threatening her. Is that even legal?, he wonders, she's only 18.
He hates when she yells.
He looks to his side. Sakura is sitting beside him at the dining table wearing razor sharp eyeliner and sipping a juice box. She's holding his hand under the table, 'Your mothers a bitch' she mouths at him. He snorts quietly. 'I know'
"No! I don't have to do what you say anymore!" Hana is yelling back.
"If you don't want to be married off then maybe don't fucking sneak around with girls!"
Sakura let go of his hand to run to the main room. 'Where are you going?' Hajime asks after her quietly but she's already gone.
"I'm gay! What do you expect?!"
"Do you want to go to hell?!"
"I'll go if I fucking have to!"
Their mother tries to hit her. Hajime runs towards them to stop her but before she could hit her daughter, someone whacks a bat on her head. She stumbles and falls down.
Iwaizumi and Hana stare at Sakura with wide eyes, "are you absolutely insane?" Hana shrieks at her in disbelief.
"She was going to hurt you."
"I'm used to it! What the hell am I supposed to tell father?"
Sakura frowns at her, "you shouldn't be used to it."
Iwaizumi shakes his head, "tree house, now please."
Hana throws up her hands, "we can't always hide! I am the one who has to bear the consequences every single time you two do something stupid and then run off to wherever you want."
Sakura raises an eyebrow at her, "so you're not coming?"
"OFCOURSE I'm coming. My God I hate you guys so much."
Iwaizumi and Sakura grin at each other.
-
Hajime is 16 years old when he realises he's incapable of feeling anything past attraction.
It's 2 am and he's wide awake, staring at the ceiling. He can still hear her mother yelling downstairs at her husband. When will this stop? He can't wait to leave this house.
"It's not that big of a deal man," Sakura's says from where's she's cuddled up in a sleeping bag on the floor, "I mean, lots of people can't feel genuine romantic love."
He sighs, "you don't understand. He told me he loves me. We've been together for almost a year. I like him a lot but I just. I can't feel safe around him."
Sakura slips out of the little bag and stands besides his bed, "scoot." He purses his lips, "mom will kill us if she sees."
Sakura rolls her eyes, "she's such a disgusting sick fuck. You're my little brother, you know that. She's so homophobic. Remember the time I said I'd like to be buried in boobs. " Hajime laughs loudly, "how can I forget? her reaction was priceless!"
"Cmon scoot scoot." She flaps her hands at him. He makes space for her and she lies down next to him. They lie side by side and stare up at the ceiling, glow in the dark stickers stuck to it.
"When you have a nightmare just stare at the stars, Hajime, they'll calm you down." His father had told him. sometimes they do.
He holds her hand, "Why can't I just feel safe?"
"Why are you forcing yourself?"
"Uh," he scoffs lightly at her, dramatically offended, "I'm not. I'm just. You know. Okay so if we're sitting in his room, totally happy. We're listening to music and suddenly I'm looking at the the door, counting windows. Just thinking about routes to escape if he tries something... is that normal?"
"I think that's your trauma response, that's normal. But," she turns, facing his side profile, "maybe you don't feel safe around him for a reason. Has he tried anything?"
"Well no. I mean. He sometimes doesn't stop when we're kissing. When I ask him to. But that's it."
Sakura slaps his shoulder, "drop him dumbass. That's the reason you don't feel safe."
"But, Saku, isn't it normal sometimes? Like I don't know, are people just supposed to stop when you say so even if they want more? I mean we're together."
"Yes. Even if you're together that doesn't excuse it! you dumb bitch. Hajime. I love you but please stop seeing shitty boys."
"Yeah you're right." He sighs dramatically and slaps the duvet. It fluffs up around around them, "how come you don't care about getting a girlfriend?"
"Duh. I'm in love with your sister."
He rolls his eyes as if to say this again.
"But she doesn't pay any attention to me! It's so not fair."
Hajime kicks her foot and gives her a look, "hmm I wonder why that is ... Oh, I know! maybe because you're a child?"
"Chill I'll be 18 next year."
"And she still won't pay you any attention." He snorts.
Sakura frowns at him and kicks his knee. He smacks her in the face with a pillow and then it becomes a wrestling match.
-
Iwaizumi Hajime is 18 years old when he watches Oikawa Tooru stuff his face with chocolates as they sit on a bed side by side at a mental hospital out of all places.
Oikawa lifts one piece of chocolate to Iwaizumi who smiles and shakes his head. He fully excepts him to shove it in Iwaizumi's mouth anyway but Oikawa eats it himself instead.
When he finishes the chocolates, he puts the box aside and stares at Iwaizumi with wide eyes, unblinking as if he's absorbing his face.
"Your face is adorable, Iwa-chan." Oikawa smiles at Hajime and kisses his cheek. Iwaizumi freezes, his face heating up.
"Oh my god, Are you ... blushing?"
"What? No." Iwaizumi scoffs. Oikawa laughs and teases him.
He runs his long and slim fingers through Iwaizumi's spiky hair, softening the locks and breaking the hair gel apart. Iwaizumi buries his face in Oikawa's neck.
He drops a light kiss on his neck then lifts his head to look at Oikawa's beaming face and his twinkling eyes.
He looks at him and suddenly he isn't thinking about anything. He isn't thinking about the door. He isn't thinking about how many windows this room has.
He's thinking about the boy in front of him. The twirl of his hair. His lips. His smirk. His hands cupping Iwaizumi's face.
Iwaizumi runs his thumb along Oikawa's bottom lip. He kisses him. He kisses him deep as the other crawls into his lap without breaking the kiss.
He feels safe.
Finally. He feels safe.
So what if he still has to think about those glow in the dark stars to calm down sometimes?
So what if he sometimes can't escape that hotel room?
So what if his mother thinks he's going to hell? He'll gladly go to hell. Because the closest thing to a god he will ever feel is loving Oikawa Tooru more than himself.
——-
To anyone who's a survivor. Who got s*xually assaulted. Those who believe their trauma isn't ' enough' because it "wasn't even the full thing" (my 'friend' legit said that to me) those who still can't escape. This is for you. I love you. I love you so much. I'm so fucking sorry you had to be 'brave' and 'strong' fuck that. I fucking hate when someone says that me. I didn't need to be brave and strong I needed to be safe.
Thank u for reading guys I love you all. This was like 2000 words and my hands hurt so much
[inbox is open if any of you needs to talk. I'm here for you]