a/n: please see the end of the chapter for notes!!
February 26, 2020
Seoul, South Korea
"You're not the only one who feels alone," I say softly.
He still cries, his head falling down onto my chest. I run my fingers through his hair in an attempt to sooth him.
"I told you I live with my grandma. She has dementia so I take care of her and live with her. I moved in with her when I was sixteen because my dad passed away." The emotion from hearing him talk about the past year combined with recalling my dad's death makes me start to choke up. I try to avoid too many details.
Seokjin must be able to sense my emotions. His arms squeeze my body against him to try and comfort me. It only makes me feel more emotional. "I'm so sorry, Ophelia."
"He and my mom weren't soulmates. He actually was born without a tattoo. They started dating casually when they were both in school and she got pregnant with me after they were together a few months later. But not long after I was born, she met her real soulmate and left us to be with him instead. So I've never met my mom before. When I was fifteen, he got really sick and he was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer."
He squeezes me again as I start to sniffle.
"Sorry, I haven't talked about it out loud in so long," I say quietly. "Everyone I know now has known me since back then, so I've never really had to tell anyone about my dad before. But he died only seven months after the diagnoses. It was horrible.
"I grew up with no mom, my dad passed away when I was still growing up, I only had my two friends. I was so lonely after he died. He was my only real friend for my whole life, my best friend. I was a really shy kid and my dad was on the quieter side. We could talk, but I didn't really know how to open up and talk about things I was struggling with. I really regretted not talking to him more after he died."
"You said he was your best friend," Seokjin says softly. "I'm sure he doesn't think you were too quiet with him."
"I just miss him," I sniffle, the tears finally starting to fall. "After he died, I moved in with my grandmother because, you know, she was my only family. Not long after he died, her mental state really started to decline and I took her to get diagnosed by her doctor so I could start a treatment process and give her the best life possible. So now I take care of her and cook for her, make sure she takes her medications, take her to doctor's appointments and things like that. It's been almost four years since we had to start that kind of thing."
"Doesn't that get tiring?" he says as he finally sits up. He reaches up and gently wipes my tears away.
"Of course it does," I cry. "It's exhausting. But if I don't take care of her, who will? I'm all she has, and she's all I have. We're each others' only family. I don't have any other choice and I would rather sacrifice myself than allow her to wither away and die alone."
"What about your mother? Have you ever considered looking for her?"
I sigh in response to that. "Sure, I've thought about it. Her name is on my birth certificate, so I have her information. I've seen her in pictures and things like that. I just don't really have any desire to know her. She didn't want me or want to know me. I've lived in the same house my whole life, I grew up in the house she lived in with my dad. I lived there for sixteen years. If she wanted to find me, she would have. So I can't really bring myself to care enough to find her."
Seokjin's quiet after that. "I wish I could've been with you. You've had it so hard, I wish I could've supported you and helped you through that."
"We've both got our baggage," I sniffle, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. "It's part of when two people come together like this. They've got to sort out their baggage."
"I guess you're right." We're both quiet for a moment, just taking in each others' presence. Seokjin reaches up again and wipes the half-dried tears from my cheeks. I find it in myself to smile at him.
"There she is," he says sweetly. "My pretty girl."
I feel my face heat up at his words. His thumb rubs my cheek gently. I push his hand away and turn away from him.
"Whatever," I mumble. "I'm hungry."
Seokjin smiles at me. "Let's eat then."
—
"I'm studying astronomy. You know, stars and space and stuff."
"Wow," Seokjin mumbles around the fried chicken in his mouth. "That's cool. You don't strike me as the type to study a science. You seem like a psychology person."
My brows furrow. "Psych is still a science."
Seokjin looks up to the ceiling. "Yeah, whatever."
"Anyway," I snort. "My dad was a well known astronomer in San Francisco and he would always teach me about space. When I was little, I wanted to be an astronaut but after he died, I wanted to be more like him. I realized that I preferred my feet on the ground, anyway. I'm in graduate school right now. I work part time as a lab assistant in the research center my dad used to work at. The rest of the time, I'm at school or taking care of my grandma."
"No free time allowed, huh?"
"I want to conduct my own study before I turn thirty. That's my goal. I only have seven years to do it and I still have two degrees to finish before I can do anything of my own."
Seokjin smiles at me. Our heads jerk up at the sound of the front door opening and Jungkook freezes when he sees us sitting on the floor in the living room, eating our food.
"Oh," he says. "Hey, guys."
"Hey," I say as casually as possible.
"Where's Hope? And the others?" Seokjin asks.
Jungkook shrugs. "Hope's staying with Areum, the other guys are staying the night at the building." He drops his massive black backpack behind the couch and climbs over the back of it to sit down.
"JK," Seokjin mumbles.
Jungkook looks between the two of us. "Oh! Oh, sorry, you guys. I'm stupid, I'll go on to bed. It's late anyway—"
"No, no, it's okay," I say. "You're right, it's late. We were finishing eating anyway."
I stand up and stretch my arms. Seokjin reaches for my hand and, after a quick goodnight to Jungkook, we make our way back into the hallway. Instead of going into the guest room, Seokjin pulls me down the hall toward his bedroom. My eyes widen, but I follow him anyway.
He closes the door behind us and I sit carefully on his bed. He sits beside me, taking my hand.
"I wanted to ask you before we go to bed, since we were talking about your family and everything," he says. "Do you think moving you and your grandmother out here with me would help take some of the burden off your shoulders?"
I'm shocked by his question. "What?"
"I don't want you to feel alone," he continues. "If it would help, I want you to move here. After your semester ends, of course. She could live with you or...with us if we decide to live together. Or there are lots of senior memory care places here. We could probably find one that speaks English. That way you don't have to feel responsible for taking care of her by yourself."
My heart melts at his suggestion and I lean over to rest my head on his shoulder.
"I would love to," I say. "But I already talked about moving with her doctor and he said changing her everyday could cause her to decline even faster since she's already so far gone into her dementia. Last year I suggested relocating her to a memory care facility and her doctor told me that would probably be a bad idea. Honestly, me being here at all is probably a bad idea, too. Rose's husband has been staying with her, which is a big change for her not to have me there for the first time in seven years. When I get back, she'll probably need a lot of time to recover. To keep her from getting scared because David was there, we told her she needs to help him take care of their daughter until we get back. I haven't even been able to call her properly since I got here. She's been in the same house for forty years, it's all she knows at this point. I can't take her from there. It's not a good idea."
"Well, what can we do?" I appreciate his gentleness in this conversation. He's not pressing me for a solution, he's not pushing me to leave my grandmother behind for him. He wants to help me. "Do we have to put this on hold?"
"I don't know." My eyes start to sting, preparing to cry again tonight. He seems to bring out the more emotional side of me. "I don't want to say I'm waiting for her...to die. I'm not waiting for that, I don't want her to die. She's my only family and I want her with me forever. I just don't know what to do because I can't do anything or I'll risk the little bit of my Nanna I have left with me."
Seokjin hugs me, his hand rubbing soothingly over the back of my head. "It's okay, don't cry," he says softly.
"I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I just keep crying, these aren't normally things I talk about or have to face."
"Don't apologize," he says. "We don't have to know what to do right now. We'll work it out. Take it one day at a time."
"I don't want to have to do it like that," I protest childishly. "I wish I was able to be here without anything holding me back. I don't want to have to spend another second without you because our lives are already so short. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Ophelia. You have me," he promises. "You have every part of me, whether you like it or not. I'm not going anywhere; no matter if we're together or apart."
My eyes shut tightly and more tears force their way out. I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. He seems to be caught off guard for a second but he doesn't hesitate when he envelopes me in the warmest, most comforting embrace I've ever felt. It's more comforting than a hug from my friends, my grandmother, it's almost more comforting than feeling a hug from my father. In Seokjin's arms, I feel safe. I know I'm home when he holds me. Knowing that eventually I'll have to leave this feeling that I haven't felt since my father passed away, not knowing when I'll feel it again, makes me cry more.
I love this feeling. I would give anything for this feeling.
I love him.
—
so it was brought to my attention that I know nothing about my own book :P
ophelia's father died from colon cancer. I know that a few chapters earlier I said he died from genetic heart complications but I was wrong :,) thank you so much to the reader who pointed it out to me.
mostly, I wanted to bring to attention ophelia's relationship with her dad. I've seen a lot of people bashing her dad for the way he raised ophelia and blaming him because she grew up to be more shy and reserved and I guess you could say modest than other people her age.
I wanted to say firstly that there's absolutely nothing wrong with people being more shy/modest/private/reserved with themselves. it's the way ophelia is as a person, it doesn't really have anything to do with how her father raised her. I think that's clear in this chapter.
secondly, I wanted to say there's also nothin wrong with people raising their children to be this way. being private and reserved isn't always a bad thing and no one has any right to shame anyone for who they are or who they were raised to be. there are many religions (although my characters are generally non-religious) that believe people should live this way. people can live how they want. there's nothing wrong with being private, just like there's nothing wrong with NOT being private. no one should be shamed for the way they live their life.
ophelia's father was a quiet, private, reserved, and relatively shy person. ophelia's the same way and always has been since she was a child. it doesn't mean her father raised her wrong, or put rules on her or whatever. it's just the way they are as people. now don't speak ill of the dead >:( let's enjoy the book instead of bashing people for the way they are, okay?
cay
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