Heyy, so for this chapter im probably gonna cry writing this lol. Im on my period and it feels like im getting stabbed with knives in my back and stomach DKHJKFL
Anyways, this chapter will be based of what i want and feel like right now :)
My mental health is killing me lol
Anyways im writing this on my laptop so dont come after me for any spelling mistakes
Enjoy reading this <3
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!!!! suicide, self harm, depression, anxiety, blood, panic attack !!!!
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It's currently 3 AM, and i'm still not asleep. I'm tired asf, and i have school tomorrow but i feel numb and down all the time. I'm scared to go to school because people make fun of me. My anxiety is worse then ever. But i cant tell anyone. I cant tell Zoe, or Lisa and i can defenitly not tell Helena. She's always been the best for me since i got adopted, but i dont want her to tell about my current situation. Helena is already anxious enough and i dont want her to be scared because of my mental health. She's defenitly worried, cause she asks me all the time if im okay.
Right now i havent slept for 3 whole days. Im so tired but i just can't.
10 minutes later i heard knocking on my door. I thought it was Helena making sure im okay again, so i pretented that i was asleep. I heard someone opening my door.
FUCK i forgot to turn of my led lights
I heard footsteps coming closer to me, untill i heard a voice that wasnt Helena's. It was Nell's.
'y/n, i know that your awake, do you uhm.. do you wanna talk?'
'Nell, please go to bed you should be asleep right now, if mom finds out about this she's gonna kill us..'
'No, she alreadys knows. She knows about everything. About cutting yourself in the bathroom.. About you staying awake every night, crying while sitting in the window, crying and thinking about if you should jump or not..
The cold wind flying around you, making your hair dance in the pale moonlight.
She knows about almost everything, and she is so worried about you y/n.. And i am too..'
Your younger sister worrying about you.. you have never experienced that. Well maybe because in your first household, you were a only child.
'Please, Nell dont worry about me and tell mom that too, now please go to bed you should be asleep.'
'No y/n, I dont want to lose you, okay? Even if we dont carry the same blood in our bodies i love you. I always wanted a sister and now i finally have one. Please can i maybe stay with you tonight? Im so scared to lose you and i just cant.. I cant lose you y/n. I cant..' She said sobbing into your shoulder.
It broke your heard, but it gave you more reasons to stay.
The words repeating in your head while Nell finally fell asleep in your arms hugging.
You placed her next to you, so you could finally breath again and think about what all just happened.
How did they found out that i cutted my arms open in the bathroom? Are there camera's in there? No of course not its a bathroom y/n dont be stupid. But how.. How did they find out? All you wear are oversized hoodies and sweatpants. There is no possible way for them to find out. But still.. they did.
Flashback
It was 2 days ago. On a saturday. All you did was cry in your room thinking about your life. You went to the bathroom to take a shower. You walked into the bathroom, whenyou see a pair of scissors. Should i? you think. Without anymore thinking you reached for the scissors and immediatly you cut yourself open. Tears fall down your cheeks. Blood is all over the place. You dont want to stay here. All though you love your family and friends you hated your life. You just want to end it all.
Helena's POV
It was 2 AM and i havent slept yet. I was so scared about y/n. She was mentally in so much pain but i have no idea how to help her.. She doesnt accept it. Im not allowed to be in her room anymore or help her with homework. The only time when i see her is when she's eating breakfast and dinner. But even then, she's on her phone all the time with smudged eyeliner and mascara under her eyes, biting her lip trying not to breakdown again. If i could i'd just run up to her and hug her, but i dont want her to feel uncomfortable.
I heard sounds coming from the bathroom. Crying sounds. The lights where on so there has to be someone inside. While walking towards the bedroom i see Nell standing there also crying and being afraid of what is going on with y/n.
'Hey, shhh, shh, honey, its okay. shhh' I try to calm her down. I give her a big hug and sent her back to her bedroom.
I listened very closely and leaned an ear on the door. She was mumbeling something to herself but i couldnt understand what. I decided to just leave her alone and i went back to bed. I was exhausted and i needed more sleep. I walked to my room and fell on my bed. I had a terrible headache. I heard footsteps again and it was Nell still being upset, asking if she could sleep with me tonight. I hugged her again and we both fell asleep right after. But i really need to talk to y/n and help her, or find her some help. Cause this isnt okay.
y/n POV
End of flashback
I sobbed again thinking about all this. I feel so bad for everyone, and its all my fould. I hate myself.
Finally i fell asleep.
The next day was the exact same as all the others. I followed my online classes. Called a little bit with Zoe. Laughed and snorted. Tried to do my homework but ending up getting angry because you didnt understand it. Went downstairs to pick up my lunch. Answered Helena if i was okay. And went back upstairs to my room to sit on my window with my Nutella sandwich, listening to my favorite music, thinking about life. Seeing how the birds were making out together. At that moment life was beautiful, but very very painful.
A couple hours later
It's 11 PM, which means time to go to bed. But of course i wouldnt go to sleep. I closed my eyes listening to the beautiful words and melody of the song. I fell asleep at 1 AM. finally pretty early for the first time in weeks.
Helena's POV
Of course i also couldnt sleep again, so i finally got all my power and walked to y/n's room. She was sleeping as a angel that had finally found her peace. Wait does that mean she died? No of course not Helena dont be so weird and stupid. Go back to bed its late. You shouldnt be doing this. Helena go back to bed. A million thoughts were flying trough my head, but i got all my power againa and walked to y/n.
'Mom what are you doing here please go away. PLEASE' she screamed to me. Gosh i could feel all her pain in her voice..
'Hey, y/n. shhh.. its all going to be okay, okay? Just breath with me okay.' She was shaking so badly. She was scared. So scared of what was happening. Im also scared. Very scared. but i couldnt show y/n, cause i need to help her. Her health is much more important then my health.
I hugged her. She sobbed in my arms. Shaking.
'Im so scared mom... Im so scared.. Im.. So.. Scared..' she said crying on my shoulder.
'Hey, sshhh.. Its okay y/n its okay. You know you can tell me everything.' I was stroking trough her long wavy h/c hair. Gosh she's so pretty. I wish i was this pretty.
She was still sobbing on my shoulder when she finally began to speak.
'I'm so sorry mom.. I shouldve told you everything. Im so sorry for hiding everything mom.. Im so scared. My life is pointless. Im pointless.. I dont know what to do.'
'Its okay baby.. its not your fault..'
We fell asleep still hugging. With make up all over our faces. All smudged. Gosh i love her so much.
y/n's POV
All i can remember from last night, was hugging the person that i loved the most. She was my whole world and i love her. Maybe she's the reason to stay..
hopefully..
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Well that was that lol.
This is a quite long chapter then normal lol
Most of all this is true, and i just wish i could cry in Helena's arms one day. Hugging her.
This story is kinda based of me having a panic attack last night, and my sister coming to hug me. She saved me :)
I love her so much but im always so mean to her. And now i feel so bad.
Anyways i hope you enjoyed reading this :)
If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to dm me on instagram bliss.blackk
I love you, have a great day/night <3
(please ignore any spelling mistakes or anything else. Im so tired so yeah lol :)