Suicide attempt🔞
Gulf-Pov
After he was gone, I sat there dumbfounded. The seatbelt and car doors automatically opened after he was.. gone.
But I didn't have the strength to get out. I didn't function what was happening. I don't know the time. I don't know my surroundings. The only thing I know is.. he is gone.
I pushed him to his limits. He couldn't handle that much secrets of me. I kept telling him that I love him so much, but he not only wanted to be loved.. he wanted to be trusted too.
I drove him to his edge of leaving. I couldn't make him stay. My love was not enough but my trust would be enough for him. He kept his cool till the end but in the end he had enough of my shit.
He stayed patient with me but at last he gave up. He gave up to his hope that I will be trusting him.
Now that I think of it.. what was the worst that could have happened? What is the worst he could do to me? Kill me at that instant?
I was never one of a person that was afraid of death. I am not afraid to be killed by him. I am afraid to be hated by him. I am afraid that we would not be able to live together like I thought.
But.. that's what I did, right? The reason I was not telling him the things was because I didn't want to be apart from me, didn't want to be hated by him. But that's what I did at the very last. It's the reason I was not telling him.
This was not supposed to happen. I thought we still had some more time together. Why.. why did he leave me?
I remembered him telling me once, 'If we ever have to be apart or have to break up.. I don't think I will be able to live without you, Gulf. I can't live without you anymore.'
I guess that apply to me too? I can't live without you, too. I don't want to live in a world that you are not a part of it anymore.
Thinking that, I switched the seats and started driving. I am not even crying anymore.
I drove and drove till I reached the edge of valley. I heard that the valley here is deep.
Good for me.
I pushed the acceleration all the way and prepared to fall in the valley. But when I reached the edge, the car automatically stopped.
What the shit is this?
I tried to give more acceleration but the car won't move further. C'mon, just a foot and we will be done.
"Ugghh.. what the fuck!?" I stomped my hands on the steering wheel, frustrated.
I tried again to be fell in the valley, but nope. This mercedes won't budge.
Then it hit me.
"You can't kill yourself. I won't let you."
"ASSHOLE!? WON'T LET ME DIE IN PEACE." I screamed in the calm atmosphere.
And I started crying. I cried so hard. I miss him.. I miss him.. I miss him so much..
I can't breath anymore.. I started sweating heavily. My eyes got blank and I couldn't see anything but black dots.
I don't want anyone's help but I need someone. I need anyone's presence.
"Eva.." I closed my eyes after that.
What it felt like days.. I opened my eyes slowly. I stared at the ceiling above my head. It's HIS house. The one's whose name I refuse to speak anymore.
I blinked many times and groaned. My head is killing me. What time and day it is?
"Oh.. you are awake.. how are you feeling?" An angelic voice spoke softly and I turned my head in the voice's direction.
"Evangeline? What are you doing here.." I managed to ask with great trouble as my headache was killing me slowly.
"You called me, remember? How are you feeling?" She came by my side and put her hand on my forehead. Measuring the temperature.
"Good? Feels like I fell in an valley." I said closing my eyes.
She chuckled and said, "You almost did, human."
Yeah, I remember.
"Want to elaborate your thoughts, Gulfie?" She sat beside me.
"Not.. really. What time is it?"
"Past the dawn. You were sleeping for hours." She said giving me a glass of water.
I gulped down the whole glass.
"Why is it raining?" I asked seeing the lightning from the window, it's raining like crazy.
"Why don't YOU answer me that? Did you upset King Lucifer?" She gave me her knowing eyes.
And then all went down.. he has left me.. he is not with me anymore. He broke his promise of not living me. He.. left me.
"Evangeline.. it hurts. So much.." I said closing my eyes as tears started falling down from my eyes effortlessly.
"Why didn't you just tell him?" She asked.
"I couldn't. I didn't want to. I was afraid to loose the remaining time I had with him. But turned out, it did happen exactly what I tried to avoid. Why don't you solve anything? You are literally God. You should do something." I said looking at her with teary eyes.
She wiped my face still smiling.
"It's not my job, Gulfie. I can't do anything. I just guide you to your path. It's your job to achieve the goal. Have faith in yourself."
She is giving me this Godly talk. I can't think anything besides.. him.
"Should I give up, Eva?"
"You already decided to give up, love, didn't you? If you didn't, you wouldn't have tried to take your life."
"I can't live a life that he is not a part of."
"He is not the centre of universe."
"He is my whole universe."
"You can live without him."
"I don't want to."
"If you don't stop, I will wipe the entire human kind and it will be your fault. Don't push me, human." She also become tense.
The first time I see her tense. She is usually always smiling. No matter what. But I managed to give a foul mood to a most happy, devine, God being.
"Don't be mad, bestie. Smile now. You don't look pretty when you frown."
"Are you calling me ugly?" She smiled at last.
"Nope. You are so beautiful. Not more than.. him, though. He is the most beautiful being in my eyes."
"You are smitten. I can help you reach him, you know? I can't solve anything but I know where he is."
I thought for a moment. I thought that once I have the opportunity to take him back, I would immediately jump to it. But now that I think of it.. I am tired. I am tired of fighting and tired of constantly explaining myself.
I don't have strength to face his wrath. If he has left me.. he decided to leave. He chose to do that. And if I find him, I will not be able to give him the space he deserve.
Maybe then.. I can try again to take my life.
"Don't you dare, human! I won't let you pull that stunt anymore. You are the first human I talk to, the first friend I made. I won't let you die out of heartbreak." Evangeline suddenly snapped. She must have heard my thoughts.
I smiled sadly. We will see.
"Even if I try, he won't let me die." I exhaled deeply.
"That's good!" She smiled happily. I rolled my eyes.
"Can't you.. calm him down? At this point, the earth will be drowned in flood because of the rain." I stated worriedly.
"Only you can calm him down and you refused to meet him."
"Hmm." I don't want to meet him, ever. At least not till I sort myself out.
"By the way... Your communication device was making so much noise, so I broke it."
She handed me my broken phone.
Perfect.
I gave her 'are you kidding me' look. She just shrugged and smiled her amusing, charming smile.
I shook my head in disbelief and tried to fix the phone. But she has broken it beyond reparation.
"Evangeline, behind your back in the closet, there is a second communication.. device, hand me that."
She gave me and I assumed that Bright and Haii must have called.
I remembered Bright's number and I dialed.
"Bright. Gulf here. I am sorry, man. I won't be able to join you for dinner. I am not feeling well." I said.
"Actually, I tried to tell you that beforehand. The thing is.. all the roads are blocked due to heavy rain. I am stuck in the hotel." He sounded apolitical.
I sighed. What are you doing, baby? You will kill everyone if you stay angry like this..
"Yeah. It's raining heavy."
"Dude, it's like crazy.. it's been many hours and it hasn't stopped. The government is also going crazy."
I felt like apologising but didn't.
"Um.. yeah. Okay, I will talk to you later."
"Take care, man." He cut the call.
I took out the PI's card from my wallet. And dialed Haii's number.
"Hello, P'Haii. This is Gulf. I am sorry I didn't come to our appointment. I was stuck with some work."
"It's okay. I called you earlier to cancel it anyway due to rain. I E-mailed you the copy of my report of what we were about to talk about. Take a look." He said.
"Thank you, P'. I would still like to discuss it in person. If it's possible?"
"Of course. Let's meet after the rain calm down."
It won't calm down if I don't wish to.
"Yes, sure. Goodbye." I said and hung up.
Did anybody else call?
I looked around but couldn't find Eva. Now, where did the Goddess do?
I got up from the bed and wandered in the house calling for her.
"Evangeline?" I called.
But I didn't find her anywhere. I roamed in every room of the house. I visited pool, theater, garden, playhouse. But she is not anywhere.
"For fuck's sake, Eva! Don't leave me like that, too.."
"Don't be melodramatic, human. It's my first time on earth. Let me see around a little bit." She appeared out of nowhere and wrapped her arms around me to stop me from falling to ground.
I hold onto her and let her drag me with her to the room. I am fucking tired of everything.
She layed my head on the bed and tucked me in.
"Will the pain never go away, Eva?" I asked closing my eyes, wrapping my arms around her hand.
I felt her soft hand caressing my head.
"Everything will be alright, Gulf. Have faith. Trust your love." She kept swaying her hand in my hair like a mother does and I drifted off to sleep.
Meanwhile somewhere else..
"You can't hide from him forever."
"I know. I will try anything to find out the truth."
"What more is remaining? You know everything now.."
"No, I don't. But I am about to."
"Will you kill him?"
"Probably, yeah."
"He will think you betrayed him."
"More like he betrayed me since the beginning. My whole life has been a lie."
"Why did you think he did what he did?"
"I actually.. don't know. I can't find a reason he had to scoop down to this low level."
"Do you want to talk about this to higher ups?"
"It's no good. They don't help."
"What are you planning to do?"
"First of all.. what the fuck he did behind my back and why I never knew about it."
Suddenly, the ground stumbled and lighting in the sky became more intense.
"Um.. how about you calm down first..? you will kill everyone at this point."
"You think I care about these useless humans?"
"You care about him."
"......."
"What will you do now.. regarding him?"
"Nothing. He wasn't supposed to be in the celestial matters in the first place. I have to do what I need."
"He will never forgive you, you know.."
"I don't have any choice."
"We always have a choice, King! You don't have to do this! Please.."
"I really don't have any choice.." He closed his eyes and let the tears fall.
"He doesn't deserve this.. please, King!"
"Neither do I. I don't deserve this either."
"You can solve everything without hurting him."
"Then what? Everything has been a lie.. My whole life has been a lie.. we don't deserve this!?!"
He swung his mighty white wings open and flew up in the sky, leaving the angel dumbfounded in sorrow on the cliff of the mountain.