august 2014
kenzie louise
"come on!! it's been two weekssss, i know your upset still but you have to help me at work, mitch is so annoying" megan said dragging my hand attempting to get me out of bed
i groaned "i'm allowed to be upset!"
"look, i know okay, but your mother would want you to be happy, and sitting in your room and not showering for a week or replying to either mine or anyone else's messages isnt being happy" she rambled
i sighed knowing she was right
"ok fine, go downstairs, i'll shower and come down" i sat sitting up
i rubbed my eyes "what day is it?"
"friday" she shrugged
"fuck sake" i leant my head into my hands knowing we had to work today
after a long few minutes i pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom.
i washed my face for the first time in what felt like forever before hopping in the shower, i didn't even know the time but i took it slow
these past two weeks felt like an eternity. i hadn't been up very much as i spent most my time in bed grieving
i wouldn't check my phone very often; only when i really needed too
ross would facetime me a lot, we wouldn't at very much but he insisted and if course i gave in
i hadn't seen much of my dad, he would still get up most days and cook full meals for everyone and sit down at the table but no one would ever go, he would leave our food outside the door.
of course i felt bad but i had no effort or motivation to get up; it was draining.
after i had showered i changed into another pair of joggers, i felt like i was living in these.
i paired it with an over sized t-shirt that was actually ross' but no one would ever know that
on the topic of ross; him and his bands instagram were now at 500k, which was insane.
they were growing across different countries and it was all becoming one big fantasy
most of their shows consisted of performing in pubs or small shows in town but now they were performing at festivals and actual events; it was crazy to see them up there.
ross has been extra careful around me, he would ask me everyday how i was feeling and if i needed anything which everytime i said the same thing, no, i didn't need anything but i would just say i'm ok.
he knew i was lying and i knew i was lying to myself aswell but if he worried it'll be even worse.
i made my way downstairs after what felt like forever only to see megan and my dad in the kitchen talking
my dad was wiping the side down which wasn't necessary but he still tries, whilst megan had a cup in her with what i'm guessing was coffee
"hey" i said in monotone when i walked into the room feeling bored already
they both faced me
"oh your ready" megan said before taking another sip and placing the cup down on the side
my dad stopped what he was doing and flashed me a smile, like he was proud of me.
i returned the smile before megan walked up to me and grabbed my shoulders from behind
"let's get you out of this house" she shook my shoulder as i groaned
"yes! go" my dad encouraged
i formed my lips into a line before turning around and walking to the door slipping my white high tops on
megan opened the door for me and grabbed her keys as i walked out
we got into her car a few seconds after and she opened all the windows including her roof before blasting the music really loud
it was kind of cold seeing as it was getting to the end of august now and i started college in literally a few days
it wasn't the biggest deal seeing as i wasn't stay there or anything; the college was close in town
we drove off down the road and soon we were at work again.
~
after mitch has shouted at me for what felt like the whole two hours i was there, i was finally free
all i wanted to do was go home, whenever she raised her voice at me it felt like an empty pit in my stomach was just getting bigger and bigger
after debating with megan she finally gave in and was on her way to take me back home again
she tried convincing me to go shopping with her, but i really didn't have the effort
after i got home i slipped my shoes off immediately after waving megan goodbye
she wasn't happy as now she had to go alone shopping but she excepted me to be happy when i lost the biggest part of my life only two nearly three weeks ago.
it may not have seemed like i was very close with my mother but when we lived in colorado every thursday she would take me get our nails done together and after we would secretly get mcdonald's
that ended when we moved here, to california.
we moved here when i was around 5, my brother was always into music as a kid, max would bang any pot he could get his hand on and bash them together
he would create mini concerts for our family to watch like my grandparents when they would come over
my grandparents brought max his first drum set just before we moved, they didn't move with us but always said they would move one
but that day never came as sadly they passed away when i was around 11.
i never really met my dads side of the family, i knew that he used to have a brother, my uncle. but he passed away from cancer when i was only a baby so i didn't really know him that much
i never knew my grandparents on my dads side of the family
i never really asked either, i just assumed they either weren't with us; they passed, or didn't have contact with my dad since the passing off my uncle
i knew my father was close with his brother growing up but i never saw it
i remember when he passed my dad was upset for a few weeks and i never understood why as i was only a baby
when i grew up and max told me secretly what happened growing up i understood more
my dad and his brother, bruce and bailey; my dad bruce and my uncle bailey would always ride motorbikes, or skateboard together
they didn't have a huge age gap so they were inseparable
although my mother? she was an only child, grew up in an all girls school and was never naughty
she was polite and kind, she knew her boundaries and her manners whilst my dad was the complete opposite
you would've never seen them together and married, ever.
talking about marriage, they got married just before we left for california, in colorado just after my fifth birthday
my birthday was around july 23rd and they got married around the 31st
my oldest brother max was around eight at the time as his birthday was in september: the 20th.
we left for cali on september 30th, and arrived the 31st
my parents had been looking at more opportunities for max, and the rest of us
my dad didn't have a job over in colorado and my mum worked in a library so we weren't earning much
but when we moved my dad got a good working job as an engineer, fixing things
whilst my mum kept a job at the library but a much more paying one and one she made many friends at.
it was hard for my dad, having to spread the news around with our family friends
we lost a good heart.
we hadn't even thought about funerals yet. it was too soon, in my opinion
i wasn't ready.
i want ready to say my final goodbyes and it all come back to me, the feeling of emptiness and loneliness in my gut
telling me i didn't say my goodbye to her, i wasn't there to hold to her hand and save her
i wasn't there, i was in seattle with ross.
and i'm guilty for it, i think about it everyday and i pushes me further and further to breaking, and one day i will
i will accept it was me who wasn't there for her
me all along.
i don't even think i would want to go to the funeral, it sounds terrible but i couldn't even imagine seeing her laying so peacefully in her coffin
it would destroy me
and i would have no one there to pick up the pieces, only myself
i understand that megan wanted me to be happy, when i called her in tears after ross left for tour she came straight over
she gave my dad some flowers, well she left them in the kitchen with a note as my dad was still in bed at this point
she comforted me and stayed the night but soon had to go home because of her parents.
she knew my mum pretty well, she would always be to loving towards my mum, as she went to another school it was hard seeing her most days but our family's were close
she had a younger sister, well her mum was pregnant with her younger sister but she sadly passed in the womb
i met megan when i was around 10, we were at the park and we just saw eachother and started playing
it was as simple as that.
our families would go on picnic, family barbecues and eveything but it soon stopped when i went to high school
me and megan would talk over the phone as much as we could but it was always hard
she didn't live that far away but it was a good 15 minute drive
she only wants the best for me, my family too, her parents came found around a week ago with a sorry card and said what they had to say and that was when my dad got up and around again
it was like it gave him some kind of motivation to get up and clean the house, empty the bins, cook us food
we had mainly been eating whatever there was that we didn't have to properly cook
i spoke to maddie, max and mason all separately as it felt like it was needed
my family soon got into art, seeing as the business trip my parents took around my birthday, they kept their side jobs but maddie was also intrigued with art
i missed my mother a lot.
i layed down in my bed as my hair fanned across the sheets that definitely needed changing
i layed there; lost in my own thoughts.
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a/n
i have no effort to write lol
fill chapter
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-katie