Alice POV
My head was pounding after my phone call with Remington but I finished cleaning the kitchen and got my mental check list back on track with laundry and unpacking.
I wanted to see him.
Needed to?
You don't need him, Lissy... you need rest...
"I can't rest, Clara...." I whispered both to myself and her voice in my head that constantly helped me decided which way to go. The revelation about Remington's ex was not a huge shock. I could understand someone from his past wanting to stay in his life, but his honesty and transparency was refreshing. Laughter rang from Daisy and Benji as they finished loading the dishwasher so I kept myself moving even though all I wanted was to just stop the world and relax. My hands deftly gathered dirty towels from the kitchen before I made my way to the bathrooms while thinking about just how special that phone call actually was.
After a quick run through each room I had a pile of towels but knew one in particular had to be addressed with my dearest, darlingest baby brother. I adjusted the basket on my hip and moved toward the kitchen.
"BEEP!!" My firm voice stopped him in his tracks while Daisy froze a split second before dissolving into giggles. It was the classic "Ooohhhhh" look on her face, an instant realization that he was in trouble and she wanted to just stay nearby to watch everything happen.
"Uhh... yeah?" He sounded scared but I sighed and smiled, shaking my head at him with a playful glance so he could tell I was not near as upset as he may be assuming.
"Buddy, come on...." I held up a still wet towel that he knew was previously left on his bed and let out a sigh. "Seriously. I am not going to nag you, I swear. You know the rules and that I don't plan on bugging you every day about shit. I really don't want to be like that... but this??"
Benji blushed bright red and grabbed the towel from me, hobbling through the house and slamming the bedroom or bathroom door behind himself. I could feel his anger and winced at the noise but knew he'd calm down quickly. I anticipated he would be furious at me for calling him out in front of Daisy, but it needed to happen.
Benji may be only fourteen but he has always had chores and knows better than to leave wet towels on his bed or dirty clothes on the floor. I have never forced him to keep his room spotless but in return just ask that he keeps his laundry organized. That's all I need, just help in the kitchen and keep things a bit picked up so we can keep laundry moving.
His friends always said I took it easy on him. I felt like keeping on top of the rules would help things stay on track here. Benji even got an allowance that was pretty generous and had a paper route plus would help with yard work around the neighborhood for extra cash. He had ways to earn more money for games but I also made a point to reward good grades when I could so he didn't feel like he missed out.
Parenting a teenager was harder than I ever expected.
"Maybe I should go home?" Daisy said quietly.
"Nah. He'll calm down. Don't you worry." I smiled, leaning into her a moment and letting out a sigh. "I knew this would have to happen eventually so figured I may as well bite the bullet."
"Ohhh ... so you figured may as well get the awkward part done when I was here anyway so he knows I won't be a bitch or whatever about dumb stuff?" Daisy's eyebrows were raised and her smile was more amused now, a sign she completely understood the logic of my decision. I was relieved at how perceptive she was, especially since things between Benji and me were so delicate emotionally. We both had a lot of trauma from our parents dying plus the train wreck to process. The last thing we need is someone rushing the process.
I nodded, stretching my arms over my head a moment before sighing, "Okay, so I am gonna get the laundry started. Want to bake something?"
"Sure. Uhh... What should I bake?" She knelt down at the bookshelf now full of Pioneer Woman and Julia Child and Molly Baz and Claire Saffitz, not to mention loads of community cookbooks and journals from Clara full of family recipes and hacks to make cooking easier. Daisy loved pouring through those pages and was taking her time learning about basic methods for braising or cake decorating. Benji spent part of our morning explaining how to make the perfect homemade biscuits just like Clara always did, laminating the dough over and over for perfectly flaky layers. Daisy soaked up each moment, savoring the knowledge and chance to learn.
I grinned, and thought of the perfect idea, hollering yet again toward the bedrooms, "BENJI!! PICK A NUMBER!!"
There was banging and grunting behind his door which caused both of us to laugh before finally I heard a creak and Benji popped his head out.
"Why?" His tone was sharp but I could tell he was more embarrassed at being called out than anything else.
Beep didn't stay angry for long and I knew I could fix this.
"Just do it. Trust me." I looked at him and nodded, deadpan expression on my face.
"Something over 200, please!" Daisy called to us and I smirked, wrinkling my nose at Benji.
My brother stared right back at me but his expression softened into a smile as well . "Fine. 233."
"Red Velvet! Nice!" Daisy exclaimed, bringing the first Ree Drummond Pioneer Woman cookbook toward us.
Benji grinned, "I haven't had Red Velvet in forever! That sounds so good!"
"We have cream cheese for the icing and can make brown butter for it also, just for that extra somethin' somethin'..." my voice trailed and I saw Daisy's eyes light up with excitement. She quickly made her way back to the kitchen and slipped into an apron, grabbing bowls and getting all our ingredients prepared for the big bake. The fact that she helped me unpack everything helped immensely but Daisy loved baking and experimenting with food. This was her happy place, and it was fun to watch her work in her wheelhouse.
Daisy knew to make herself at home here. We were not going to be lording over her or forcing manners. She could slip off her shoes and stay in pajamas for all I cared, as long as she was comfortable and safe.
"Benji?" I stepped closer to my brother and lowered my voice, "I am sorry I embarrassed you in front of Daisy. I should not have done that."
He nodded in agreement, "Thank you. I know it's gonna happen I just... I mean..." Benji looked back into his room then back to me, anxiety clear, before continuing, "I don't know. I guess... I know you need to get on my case sometimes but I just don't like it either so I need to not throw a fit either. I'm sorry I didn't handle it well."
I grinned, my hand patting his cheek lightly a moment, "We will figure this out eventually, right?"
"We better." Benji groaned and I saw pain flash in his eyes, "Lissy, my leg really hurts. When is my appointment again?"
I grabbed my phone and scrolled while showing him our calendar, realizing it was two days away and right before an appointment for me and at about the same time as Remi's follow up. "I'll see if we can carpool with Remington for the appointments and maybe see town a little bit. Jesse will be by soon and maybe he can give us a ride?"
He nodded, "Yeah, that works. I know I can take the pain meds but then all I do is sleep. I don't want to miss stuff all the time."
"Same. Why don't we do this, let's just take half one along with some Tylenol so we get some of the good pain medicine with some regular pain meds. Sound good?"
Benji smiled, nodding as I spoke. "See, this is why you're the big sis. You're the smart one."
"I thought it was because I'm older." I laughed at his comment and was relieved at how quickly we got the house back to where it needed to be. Clara taught me how there was nuance in keeping the thermostat level in your household. You can stay calm and remain firm while also maintaining the right vibe overall, even on days when things don't go perfectly.
"And smarter," he added, laughing while he leaned against the wall and limped into the kitchen. I snapped one of his pain pills in half so he could just go with that and a normal dose of Tylenol. I chose to just take an entire pill but stuck to just one instead of two. Daisy had the cake ingredients ready to go so I got butter browning while she put the batter together and Benji chatted about which video games they should dive into next.
It was such a comfortable balance, even though Daisy was still basically a stranger to us.
Doc and I kept up via text message and she was thrilled to see Daisy getting along so well with Benji. She insisted that Daisy was just fine hanging out alone at home but I loved having her presence in our household, especially when she brought so much joy to us. Doc was quickly becoming a confidante and friend to me, especially as she was able to give me perspective on the town from her vantage point.
Her main objective with Daisy spending time around us was simple: her daughter wanted new friends after a rough time at middle school. Benji came into her exam room at a moment when she was feeling unsure about how to guide her daughter.
The train wreck brought us here right on time. Every single day it was becoming more clear how perfect this town fit our needs.
We chose to make cupcakes and after the first batch were slightly overdone decided to sacrifice a couple to the baking gods so we could throw together cake pops. Benji suggested that Doc could take some to the hospital for the nurses which made Daisy gaze at him with a look of adoration that I don't think he caught. The day got away from me but there was a knock at the door as I was elbow deep in cake and icing, mashing the mixture and rolling into balls so Daisy and Benji could dip into chocolate.
I hollered, "Come in!" and realized at that moment that it was half past two in the afternoon and we had not made lunch. "Shit," I muttered, "Ohhhh shit, I am the worst."
"What?" Daisy and Benji said at the same time and gave one another a confused look while I washed my hands and heard someone enter the house.
"Hey guys!" Jesse's voice called out. "How's it going?"
I smiled to myself and shook my head, "Oh, ya know. Failing as usual." My hands grabbed a dish cloth as I continued cleaning and tried to wrack my brain to think of a good idea for what to make.
I'm not even hungry. Nothing sounds good. All I want is to curl up and sleep for days.
"Hey, now, Liss..." Jess walked forward and lowered his voice, giving me a side hug while I dried my hands. "Okay so I see cake... you must have done something right today."
We laughed and Daisy piped up, '"Yeah, Liss made incredible biscuit sandwiches for breakfast plus hash browns and tons of fruit, so we ate a ton. We've basically been eating all day. Oh, and then Benji randomly chose a number and based on that we picked what I baked."
Jesse chuckled while absorbing all the information she shared, "Dude, you got red velvet from picking a random number?"
Benji shrugged, "No clue, man. Just top of my head and I was glad it didn't end up being some weird real food shit."
"Beep!" I huffed, annoyed at the cursing as well as how he seemed to be so dismissive of Daisy's work. She seemed a bit uncomfortable and it was rude for him to just call everything else we made "real food shit" when I tried hard every day to create meals he would like.
Calm down, dearest.... just breathe.....
I listened to Clara's soothing voice in my head gently reminding my to keep my wits about me and stay in the moment. She always seemed to point me in the right direction. From the first time I met her when I was seven, I knew she would be someone I could trust to lead me.
Benji chuckled at me, oblivious of my actual state of distress, and poked my stomach, "Lissy, why don't we get you fed? We forgot to make lunch since my sister has been too busy getting clothes unpacked and laundry done, Jess."
My face turned red and I was instantly embarrassed at how Benji was acting but Jesse only smiled and rolled up his long sleeved t shirt. "Okay, then. I know exactly what to do." I watched as he opened the fridge and began extracting random containers, spreading them on the counter top. There was some pizza from our first night here plus leftover salad and chicken from the previous evenings cookout.
My stomach loudly growled as soon as the first container landed on the counter and we all laughed at the timing. I grinned, grabbing a drumstick and taking a huge bite which I knew would cause me to get sauce on my face but did not care.
Sometimes you just have to dig in.
Jesse laughed as I grabbed a handful of forks and passed them out, each of us diving into containers and dumping dressing onto salads. It was not lady like or fashionable. I had no manners when I snort laughed and got ranch on Jesse's hand then just continued laughing and wiped it off. Any reason or etiquette seemed to have completely left my brain now that hunger was in the drivers seat.
Benji started making sound effects and even did a "Choo-Choo!" noise at one point when matching containers were butted up against one another. I rolled my eyes but smiled at his goofy antics, aware that he was only trying to help me relax when he could tell I was still struggling. He knew full well how hard it was for my to stop my brain from overthinking when I was in this space.
It's like everything Clara taught me about being a lady and everything daddy taught me about discipline was gone also.
"Wow. This is such a great idea. Can we make it like Train Tuesdays where we pull out the Train of leftover containers and empty them out?" Daisy laughed, reaching for the pasta salad and finishing off the last portion. "Then every single Tuesday we can just go through all the leftovers from the weekend and clear things out!"
I licked barbecue sauce from my fingers after finishing another drumstick but felt a familiar sinking pit settle into my stomach.
This is one I know all too well.
One I was close friends with.
Usually it sinks in when I've been ignoring sadness for too long and need to practice some self care. The crash was something I did not allow myself to consider at all but just hearing that word...
Just the word "train"...
Dear girl... breathe.... Take a break....
I knew it was time to listen to Clara's guidance and stop myself. I had to do shift gears. "I'm gonna take a breather, guys..." my mind was racing and I could feel the panic attack settling in as the undertow of grief started to pull me out to sea. I started washing my hands and face then and shot Daisy a smile, "Help yourselves and if this is all gone that just means more room in the fridge for lasagna prep!"
Benji hooked my arm as I started toward my room and I froze, knowing the second I looked in my little brothers eyes he would see the state I was in.
"Lissy, just breathe please..." he kept his voice low and I felt his hand settle against my wrist.
Fuck... he knows....
I let out a long breath and met Benji's eyes, wiping a tear a moment. He sighed and pulled me into a hug, his cast jamming into my back while he whispered, "Yeah, I kinda was wondering when it would hit you..."
"Hey Alice, let's take a walk..." Jesse stepped forward with a warm smile on his face and his hand outstretched. "I'll keep an eye on you and grab a bottle of water. Just go get sneakers on and I can show you the neighborhood. Sound good?"
I nodded while letting out a long breath, thankful for the distraction and a chance to get some exercise.
Benji grinned, "Thanks, Jesse. Exercise and fresh air is a perfect idea for this workaholic. Maybe she'll get some sun and stop looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost."
"I like being Casper. Then I can disappear on your dumb ass." I retorted, crossing my arms and narrowing my eyes even as I sniffled while collecting myself.
After sliding into a thin hooded sweatshirt and jean shorts, I grabbed my sneakers and sat down on the couch to lace them up. Daisy brought me a bottle of water but sat next to me and whispered, "Are you okay?"
Her concerned gaze made me feel bad for a moment, but I let out a long breath and nodded, "I will be. Just kind of dealing with grief when it happens and it smacked me upside the head a bit ago. I try to handle things gradually instead of bottle them up."
"Ohhh okay... I get it now!" Daisy's expression looked as though a light bulb had gone off. "So that's why Benji knew you needed a break and Jesse figured a walk would be good. I promise I'll catch on soon!"
"You're amazing, Daisy, and I would not want you to do anything else. Just make sure that monster doesn't eat more cupcakes and we're square." I laughed, standing and stretching a bit before I grabbed my phone.
A confused look crossed her face, "Wait... but really?"
"Of course, Dais." I put my hands on her shoulders and stared directly into her eyes to be sure she truly listened to my words, "You are so incredible and I'm thankful to have you here in our home. We appreciate you and everything you're bringing to the table... pun kind of intended."
Jesse chuckled at my bad joke while Daisy full on laughed. She blushed lightly and I could tell my words mattered when she answered, "Thanks, Alice. It's good to feel wanted."
"Always, Dais. You always have a place here."
I started toward the door and Jesse tilted his head while putting his baseball cap on backwards, "Okay, ready? You feeling okay?"
"Yeah, my body is good. Took some pain meds earlier so I'm limber now," I wiggled a bit to demonstrate which made him smile.
"Alright, let's go to the right this time..." Jesse and I began our walk down the street and started with just talk of our mornings. He told me how work was going and relayed a funny story about how the chef accidentally made a pan of enchiladas way too spicy so a couple nurses and doctors decided to eat them anyway and still regret that choice days later. I laughed, listening intently and watching street signs and houses as we wandered the streets. My breathing was more regulated now and I was able to sort my thoughts as we walked. I kept myself calm and felt more clear headed even after only a few minutes.
The main feeling I had was just complete sadness for all the lives that were lost... and guilt that we remained.
I've dealt with survivors guilt since my mom died then daddy and Clara died but this felt different. Only three of us lived and dozens perished. I had not yet been able to read any of the news reports or watch any coverage. There were requests for interviews but we declined everything but the basics through the hospital so the public could know the survivors were healing and asked for time to recover in peace.
Remington dealt with this as well after Reese passed, so as we walked I realized maybe this was a topic I could discuss further with him. I made a mental note to bring it up when we had a chance, especially now that I was getting back into therapy and working to heal emotionally as well as physically from all that happened.
After awhile Jesse pointed toward another branch in the road where a shimmering lake and wooded area rested gorgeously under the June sun, "So, that's the way to Baker's pond..."
I smiled at the fields of wildflowers as the breeze danced across the water, "It's beautiful! Can we go take a look?" The pond looked massive, billowing clouds overhead giving the entire landscape such a perfect appearance. I noticed a crop of Tiger Lilies and plucked one, smelling it and staring out at the water as it glistened.
Jesse sighed and sucked in his breath a moment before simply saying, "It's the house where Remington grew up."
My heart sank and I felt my body move closer toward the pond in spite of my instincts.
"Shit," was all I could say as I walked toward the pond, hand gently grazing tall grass before I stopped against a tree on the outskirts of the forest.
"I can almost hear Keith Morrison do the voice over for the Dateline:NBC episode..." I mused, leaning against a tree and staring at the pond. "Quaint town... Glorious landscape... Perfect family... No one would have expected tragedy to strike..."
"No one did." Jesse let out a hollow laugh while shaking his head. I sensed a depth to his words and emotions that I haven't felt before. "That was the worst part about Reese dying. No one thought anything bad could ever happen here." He used a sing song voice similar to my Keith Morrison impression for the word "ever" which made me chuckle. The fact that Jesse understood my macabre sense of humor was a relief. Most would be turned away by this perspective but the fact he was aware it was a coping mechanism helped.
"Ahh, hubris." I smiled, shrugging lightly.
"It's why I went into medicine." The statement made me pause and look at Jesse. He took off his baseball cap and folded the bill in his hands, his blonde hair falling into his eyes as he stared at the pond and continued, "Alice... I've never been so scared. Remi was my best friend and he had to watch them pull his dead brother out of that pond." Jesse moved closer and leaned against the tree alongside me, "So that was when I decided I never wanted to be helpless. I wanted to know what to do."
"So... this is your origin story?" I grinned, the pure beauty of his career choice so clear due to a tragedy that none of us would ever have expected. My heart was bursting with pride at how generous this choice really was. Jesse took a devastating loss and used it to try to save lives... and succeeded.
Jesse smiled tightly, sliding his hat back on his head, "Nah. Not sure I deserve one of those."
"Excuse you, sir??" I took a few steps from the tree and crossed my arms, then narrowed my eyes for good measure. "So, I know we're new to this whole friendship thing but that's not how.... Okay.... I ...." I let out a frustrated sigh and paused, thinking about how to say what I wanted to say a moment. Jesse gave me a curious look but I continued, "Jesse, I don't appreciate it when my friends are disrespected."
He looked almost offended at my statement, "What? Who did I.... what are you talking about?"
"You're talking badly about yourself. You are my friend. That means you're disrespecting a friend of mine..." I explained softly and slowly then watched as Jesse understood my logic one step at a time. His face melted into a smile, realizing I meant this as an encouragement even though it came across as an admonition.
"So you're saying I need to be nicer to myself?" his voice was deeper now and I nodded.
"Yep. Exactly. Just protect your own heart from your own words. Language is important."
He nodded and was clearly contemplating what I said but I started to feel unsure of myself. Jesse seemed so secure and head strong when I first met him, always certain of his choices in the hospital and apparently confident about who he was as a human being. Something shifted and I felt an awkward anxiety rise through my body. That weird niggling in the back of my spine started to tingle.
The instant that I felt off I took my water bottle and drank deeply to stall or distract or somehow collect my thoughts. My spidey sense with emotions tends to be pretty spot on so I was not sure what was happening but knew something changed.
Jesse noticed the change in my posture and cleared his throat, using it as incentive. "Alice? Can I... tell you... something?"
"Of course."
My answer was instant and clear which put Jesse at ease immediately. He let out a sigh of relief and I could tell he was leaning heavier against the tree at this time as well. I shuffled my weight between my feet and took another drink, enjoying the cold water while he collected his thoughts. My own anxiety lessened as I took a few breaths, allowing him to do the same. There was a definite tension between us but I felt like whatever he was about to reveal had nothing to do with me.
The uneasiness that was lingering was more due to the tension he carried in his shoulders and brow. It was in his body language and tone, not in how he was acting toward me at all.
This was different.
That uneasiness I felt was his own anxiety coming across.
"You... would be the first person I've told that lives here..." Jesse began slowly, "And I say that not because I'm ashamed or think there's anything wrong with me. That's not it at all. I just..."
"It's none of their business?" I offered, eyebrows raised.
He nodded, "Exactly." Jesse sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing, "Alice, I'm gay."
I nodded and offered a warm smile, "Okay. Thank you for sharing with me."
Jesse laughed lightly, then a bit harder while shaking his head in amazement, "For fucks sake, Liss, you have no idea how hard it is to even consider coming out in a town like this. The mentality is so warped..."
"I mean, I grew up in Atlanta so people can be who they are and love who they want. Anyone who wasn't blessed with that sort of upbringing may need some remedial training on the subject." I shrugged, walking away from the pond and back to the sidewalk so we could make continue around the neighborhood for my tour. The day was fading and I decided I did not want to stick around a place that held such traumatic memories.
"So wait... this is... like... it doesn't...." Jesse stumbled over his words and I turned around, surprised at how dumbfounded he looked.
I smiled, handing him the Tiger Lily I still carried, "Jesse, you're an amazing human being that has stepped up and been an incredible friend." I began walking again and turned my head, calling toward him, "That's all that matters to me."
He caught up a moment later and we continued walking down the road and away from Baker's pond. Just being near the site of so much sadness made everything inside my heart grieve. We quickly eased back into casual conversation which was a relief. It was already a heavy day of grief and realizations, so Jesse instead pointed out which houses do the best Christmas lights displays and where the best garage sales are held.
We walked slowly and chatted about anything and everything surface level. It was almost an unwritten goal to make our conversation as basic as possible now that we had covered such a huge moment for him. He started quoting Vines and random internet memes which caused new avenues of inside jokes, one after the other as we continued to just get to know each other and explore the neighborhood.
Our walk continued and I was beginning to get tired. "Hey, so what sounds good for dinner?"
Jesse grinned, "Oh, I've got that covered."
I gave him a quizzical look but nodded, "Okay. I trust you." We had both been texting throughout our walk to various people but nothing had been said about any official arrangements. I just knew Daisy and Benji were deep into a Kingdom Hearts video game marathon and she had to lock the finished cupcakes in my bedroom so he would stay out of them.
"Benji knows the plan so he's on board. Don't you worry your pretty head about a thing, Alice. We have this covered and you get the night off of thinking duties." Jesse laughed, turning left down another street that was lined with even more trees and whose houses seemed smaller and further apart. "We're more on the outskirts of town now, but as you can tell that doesn't mean much. Still lots of houses and we are barely a mile from your place."
Barely a mile.... He's taking me to Remington, isn't he....
I froze near the corner and stood staring at Jesse with my hands on my hips a moment. He smiled and nodded toward the road, "Coming, Liss?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, Jesse."
Jesse paused, "Come on, just this way..." and continued walking.
"Maybe I'll just head home. I'm super tired." I yawned and stretched, playing coy and patting my mouth dramatically. "It's not like we're close to Remi's house so I can visit him or anything..."
His face instantly went beet red which caused a wave of laughter to wash over me. "I cannot believe you figured it out. I really didn't think you would and Remi was sure it would be the perfect surprise..."
I cackled but my heart was warmed by the care they obviously put into attempting to make this a great day for me. "Okay, one, I hate surprises, but that's really really sweet of you. Lead the way, Jesse!"
Jesse was now someone I knew I could trust. Even in the moments earlier where I felt uncomfortable on our walk, I never felt unsafe. It was more a feeling that something shifted emotionally and I could tell he needed to open up but wasn't sure how. Knowing he was comfortable enough with me to come out and share his true self meant the world but also opened up a new question in my mind. The early days of a friendship are always a minefield of determining how those moments work, so the fact that we made it through such a massive talk meant I could now consider Jesse a friend and ally across the board.
"Hey, Jess? What made you decide to come out to me?" I asked quietly as we walked, careful of listening ears that could lurk around any corner in this small town.
He smiled softly, "Well, I had considered it for awhile. It just hasn't been something I had to worry about. My love life..." Jesse leaned into me and nudged my shoulder with his elbow, "Or lack thereof... just never was a priority. I wanted to focus on finishing school and establishing my career."
"But?" I asked, stopping to force him to also pause before we kept walking towards what I was assuming was Remington's house down the road. I spotted a car parked a few houses away that looked similar to Doc Eddie's Volkswagon and smiled to myself, realizing how much time and effort they much have gone through to make this happen.
Jesse sighed, "But I chickened out. Every time. Til you." He smiled and rested a hand on my shoulder, "Please take this the right way. I think you're going to become one of my closest friends. Remington is already a best friend and you're perfect for him... but it's going to be a journey. I just.... Liss, I felt like if you knew exactly who I was and I shared something so huge with you that you'd get it, I guess?"
"That I'd see how serious you are and why this means so much to you?" I offered, nodding along. "You wanted me to know something big as a show of respect."
"Well, and because I just needed you to know. You're stunning and all but I just... ya know.... Different plumbing."
Jesse made a face and blushed lightly at his insinuation but it made me burst into giggles. "I'm so sorry my bathtub isn't what you needed, Jess. Let's find you the perfect kitchen sink, shall we?"
He laughed so hard he had to brace against his knees and wheeze after a moment. We let our laughter linger as almost a promise. This was an important moment for him and this brand new friendship. The first big secret.
"Why kitchen sink?? Liss, I gotta know," he asked while still collecting himself.
"Cause I have everything but the kitchen sink, of course," I answered matter of factly. Jesse roared into another round of laughter and I found myself now just laughing at him instead of the joke.
After a few moments we were able to collect ourselves and continue walking. I let out a sigh and looked toward Jesse, "So, there are a couple things I want you to know about me as well, then."
"Bring it on. I've got your back, Liss." Jesse had a smile on his face and seemed lighter after his admission. I considered asking if Remington knew but since he said I was the first resident of town to know then it would make sense for his best friend who actually lives in Atlanta to be aware of something so huge.
I cleared my throat, "Okay, so the big stuff... I've never even been on a date much less anything else so the affection I've gotten from Remington is... well... it... for me."
"No shit!" The shock in his voice made me laugh in spite of how nervous I was to truly share pieces of my soul that usually stayed under tight cover.
"Yeah, well I started raising Benji when I was sixteen so I haven't really had the opportunity."
A look of understanding crossed his face, "Beep came first?"
"Always has, always will."
Jesse hummed, walking forward and pointing to a house further down the street, "They're all in the backyard probably. Doc said she would plan on grabbing stuff for burgers since Greg is known for doing the best propane barbecuing out there. Seriously, their family had such great cookouts every summer... we called him Harold Hill, even."
I snickered at the "King of the Hill" television show reference and noticed how quiet the neighborhood appeared. No kids bikes in driveways or laughter echoing around the yards.
He looked behind us toward Baker's pond and sighed, "I hate what they've gone through. I hate what they lost." Jesse looked back to me and smiled, "But then you came into town on an actual literal train wreck with your brother in a camo cast..."
I laughed at his explanation and the way Jesse's expression showed me the relief he felt in my presence. It felt wonderful to know that even though everything started so horribly, maybe we have a chance to really start a life and have happiness.
Maybe we can truly start fresh here.
Maybe even after this afternoon and feeling the undertow of grief that I can swim harder and break through, making my way to shore.
"So... maybe I can be like their Clara?" I asked with a smile. Jesse gave a confused look and I laughed, "Oh, shit. I can't remember who knows what anymore. What do you know about Benji and my family?"
He shrugged, "I mean, that your parents died so it's been just the two of you for what... six years. I think you said?"
"Getting closer to seven but yes, correct," I smiled, continuing to walk slowly down the sidewalk as we neared the house I now knew was Remington's. "So, my daddy and mama had me but my mama died when I was a toddler."
Jesse instantly made an "Ohhhh" noise and I shook my head continuing the story, "It's okay, I know... just one of those things. Anyway, Daddy was military and stayed stateside then and worked office jobs. It was lonely but I kept myself occupied."
We strolled a bit further and I reached up, snagging a leaf from a maple tree and waving it around as I spoke, "Back when I was seven my dad met a woman while he was at a restaurant. She was a waitress and just had a quiet life but was single and expecting. Now I know they met back when she was super early in her pregnancy, but I did not get to meet Clara until she was around six months along."
I looked toward Jesse now and saw recognition on his face, "Benji?"
"Beep was a year old when they got married. They moved in earlier of course but the real wedding was after they had time to get settled. We even had a nursery set up for him before they officially moved in just for the times that she would come over."
Jesse chuckled, "Wow, so Benji isn't your blood brother? So who is his real dad?"
"No clue. Clara just said he told her they could have no further contact. She was shattered but moved ahead anyway." I paused, across the street from Remington's house now, "Daddy loved her so deeply and I know she loved him. Clara was incredible at slowly easing him out of the routine he was so used to and just opening up his world."
"She sounds like she was amazing." His wistful voice made something inside me crack and I nodded, tears forming as my throat grew tight with emotion. I sniffed and wiped my eyes then pasted on a bright smile to show him clearly my heart was broken at her loss but there's so much joy she also helped me gain.
"Clara is now my Jiminy Cricket. When I have anything going on, like earlier today when I got super overwhelmed and felt grief smothering me, I talk to her and she coaches me through. Benji never knew otherwise so I'm thankful she's always been his guide as well."
"How?"
The question was so simple and I chuckled, shaking my head and shrugging.
"Jess, I don't know. She just does. Clara is my North Star. She's the person who helped guide me toward who I am." I grinned, sliding my phone out of my pocket and swiping to a favorite pic showing the two of us as Clara helped me prepare for a Choir concert in high school. I was seated on the bathroom counter while she focused on curling my hair while my dad's reflection in the mirror showed off a huge grin as he held toddler Benji to keep him out of our way. The horrific fuschia dress with puffy sleeves was cringe worthy but all four of us were clearly just happy.
"She's gorgeous, but in that natural way just like you. Doesn't need tons of makeup or fancy clothes... just so secure in herself that the other stuff does not even matter," Jesse's remark made me smile and I blushed.
"Thank you. That means a lot... I just always feel lesser than around women who dress fancier or have money and time for makeup and all that..." I looked to him again with a smile, "But even though we keep things simple we still like to be fancy. Like, if we did picnics the way Remi did as a kid, Clara would probably request some kind of fancy flavored lemonade. We'd try something new each time I'm sure like blackberry or maybe she'd try a chili limeade or something crazy."
He laughed, "Wow, so she thought outside the box?"
I nodded, letting out a content sigh, "I want to be the same way. That's why I went into environmental studies. That's why I want to make a difference in our actual world and in stuff that matters."
He smiled, "You may feel less than around other girls... but they can't throw a fast ball that made my hand sting so bad I was using icy hot the next day at work."
I burst into laughter while we walked across the street, "You are shitting me."
"Nope. Not at all. My hand was killing me. You are way stronger than you look."
"Oh yeah?" I challenged, ducking into a boxing stance and throwing a few jabs.
"Watch yourself there, Rocky.... But make sure you scream "REMINGTON!!" when you win!" Jesse raised his voice and I quickly slapped my hand over his mouth to shut him up when I could tell he was about to loudly tease me right in front of Remi's house.
Benji hobbled with his crutches out of the house and waved, "Guys! Perfect timing! Greg just got done setting up games in back!"
I waved back and approached Benji, hugging him tightly. "Thanks, Beep. You good?"
The smile on his face and easy nod he gave told me all I needed to know. "Oh, also, Remington has been scrambling to clean the house cause he was so scared you'd be horrified. It was already clean."
We laughed and Jesse shook his head, "I was expecting that. Oh, make sure you check out his bedroom. Lots of old gems posted there. Look at his yearbooks and all the notes people left him. In his junior and senior yearbooks there are girls who took out ads and paid so they could have printed notes in the yearbook just for him."
I laughed and rubbed my palms together with eyebrows raised, "You mean to tell me you brought me on a long walk so I could get out of my head for a bit, and now we're going to have a cookout and I get to embarrass Remington?"
Benji and Jesse laughed at my explanation while Benji led me toward the house.
Jesse was right. It was time to start focusing on how to move forward. The past has held Remington and Greg hostage for far too long. Living so close to the pond has to be horrible but maybe... maybe I can be Clara to them and show some optimism and hope.
Maybe I can add a little color to their world.
Author's Note
Pfizer vaccine left me with only a sore arm so far, thankfully! I've heard the second one is really rough but I can plan accordingly, of course. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get vaccinated by choice and to know it can help others as well as myself.
Thank you all for your patience! My chapters are getting longer as I go (this one is over 7300 words) so even if I only post once or twice a week it's still a good amount of content that I'm re-editing a number of times to ensure it comes across the way I need it to. I have a lot I am trying to do with this story and so far I'm really thrilled with the feedback so your comments and DM's and everything mean the world.
Thank you again - I'm still in self care mode and working out my allergies and migraines but that's how all of us should be. Every single one of us should know when we need to step away. Know when to set aside our phone and just cuddle with our dog or spouse or kid. Know when to take a walk without a podcast and listen to the birds.
I hope you all take some time today to really just be at peace and let your mind rest like Alice did on her walk with Jesse. I've done that a lot lately (our puppy, Harvey, is obsessed with playing soccer so we are outside constantly!) and it has been revolutionary in helping me stay focused on what is actually important in my life.
Love you all,
Lizzy