"I'M SO SORRY, LOGAN."
"What is happening, Faithe? The last time I talked to you, I fucking told you how I felt about you, but now you're engaged? Engaged, Faithe," Logan spat, looking so lost and vexed, frustratedly running a hand through his hair.
I'd dragged the two of us to the backyard where I knew no one would know to find us, but I planned to go back soon, anyway. I didn't want to spend more time with Logan than necessary.
I sighed, wringing my hands together, wondering how I would manage to tell him everything without him letting out an outburst. "I'm getting married, Logan."
"Yeah, I gathered that," he retorted, shooting my left hand a dirty look, making me hide it behind my back.
"Logan, please. Can you just let me talk?" I pleaded and continued to explain despite his apathetic shrug. "Look, I don't know what Aden told you, but our parents fixed this marriage. Our business was in a tight situation a few months ago, and the Haidars — they're our family friends — helped us get out of it. They got us out of court and helped my parents' company so much. So they wanted to join our families through marriage and the most obvious way to do that was get to Zayaan and I married."
He stared at me, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed. "So, they're essentially just selling you off to their son as payment?"
"No, they're not. I wanted to do this for my family. It was my choice — I chose to marry Zayaan."
He started to shake his head vehemently. "No, Faithe. You don't want to do this; I can see it in your eyes, sunshine. They're dead. You're not happy about this at all."
I released an aggravated breath. "What does it even matter if I want to do this or not? It's none of your business, Logan. Don't put your nose where it doesn't belong."
He let out a mocking laugh. "How is this my business? Oh, how about the fact that you're in love with me, sunshine? Isn't that reason enough? You're in love with me, but you're marrying what's-his-name? Zayaan."
I shut my eyes tight, feeling as if I were about to cry. "It doesn't matter, Logan."
"But it does, Faithe. Look into my eyes and tell me you feel nothing for me. I'll leave." He grabbed my hands and watched me pleadingly, making me cry out.
"I can't, Logan! I can't tell you that. I'm so fucking in love with you that I don't know where my feelings start and end sometimes! You're all I see; all I think about. But I can't do this, Logan. I can't," I started to sob, hearing my voice crack through my confession.
"Exactly! Then why are you marrying him? I love you, Faithe. I always have; I can't live without you, sunshine. And with you being married to another man? I'd die." He was an inch away from me and moved his hands up to cup my face, wiping away a couple of stray tears.
"No, Logan. You can't. I'm getting married."
But he didn't listen. Instead, he gripped my face in his hands as if I were made of porcelain, and pulled me closer to him by the waist, starting to lower his face to mine. A centimetre more and our lips would be touching. His eyes traced mine for consent and I just fluttered them closed.
Though, at the very last second, something struck me and made me shove Logan away just as his lips were about to brush over mine. I couldn't do this. It was wrong.
A horrified gasp left my mouth; what had I almost just done? Shit, shit. I'd almost cheated. I'd almost sinned.
God forgive me.
I began to recite the word over and over in my head like a maniac. I'd almost let another man touch me. Kiss me. Shit, shit, shit.
"Faithe?"
"No, Logan, no. That was wrong. That should not have almost happened. It was a mistake," I snapped, feeling my heart pound against my rib cage as if it were held captive. "You can't continue to love me. I'm sorry, but you'd just do better to forget about any of this, Logan."
I started to stumble backwards, feeling like I'd just had a panic attack. With a glance at Logan who was starting to reach for me, I mouthed 'I'm sorry' once again, and fled the backyard. I ran and ran, gathering a bunch of my long dress, hoping that I would fall and hurt myself. Would that be punishment enough? But on the way back to the house, I didn't notice the shards of glass that littered the path, showing that someone had been there.
════════
I FLIPPED THROUGH my phone gallery, trying to pick out pictures with Logan in them.
After the engagement party yesterday, and my near mistake, I'd figured that Logan was a closed chapter of my life. It all needed to be over now. And I figured that it started from deleting small traces of him from my life.
Since he was my brother's best friend, if they still were, I knew that there was no way I could permanently erase him from my life, but this had to do for now. Each picture I deleted made my heart grow heavier, feeling like I was tossing away pure gold. But I continued on.
I sighed when I noticed the photo of Aden, Logan and I during his birthday celebration. He'd gotten completely trashed while we both watched on in amusement, but the energy of the day and the pure happiness had also made us completely crazy.
In the picture, Logan had his arm tightly wrapped around both my and Aden's necks, but I just realised that his eyes were completely focused on me. Oh, God. Now that I thought about it, he had dropped some hints and signs about having feelings for me. But I'd been so hurt from thinking that he didn't, I completely missed everything.
I shut my eyes and shook my head. "Stop, Faithe. Stop thinking about what-ifs."
And now, I was talking to myself. Great.
I carried on deleting every single trace, even going as far as also removing it from my recently deleted folder, feeling nostalgia overcome me; why couldn't I go back to the days when life was significantly easier? But, as if to mock my thoughts, my phone started ringing, awaking me to a start.
"Hi, Aden," I said into the phone, putting it on speaker and lying back on my bed.
"Hey, Faithe. I have some news." His voice came through, and I wondered why my mother preferred to tell him news rather than me.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"The date for the wedding's been set. August 2nd."
"Oh," I responded, "That's still four months away." I was relieved that I still had some time before the wedding but also confused as to why they pushed it back later than I thought they would.
He laughed. "Is that disappointment I hear? Are you really eager to get married, Faithe?"
I scowled at his joking tone. "No. I was just confused since they all seemed so eager to get the wedding done as soon as possible."
I heard some shuffling in the background before a door closed and his voice came through strikingly clear. "Well, yeah. You're graduating near the end of June, and Reza and Nafasat possibly want you to stay with them for a couple of weeks in Iran. Oh, and both you and Zayaan are also going to Turkey to give invitations out to some relatives face-to-face."
"Why does no one ever tell me anything?" I complained with a sigh. "I'm always the last to know everything, and last time I checked, I was the bride."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry, Faithe. But they just seem to think that elders know better, and that the youngsters should find out after all planning is complete. Can't really change our mother's mindset."
I huffed, telling him to give me more information.
"Alright. So you're graduating June 22nd, and if you're going to stay in Iran, it will possibly be till mid-July. And then, you'll both go to Turkey for a week or so. You also have the kina night, which happens either a day or a week before the actual wedding. And July 31st is Zayaan's 25th birthday; they wanted you to get married with everything out of the way in peace. You're turning 21 next month, so every celebration is clear, and the wedding will be everyone's focus."
Damn. They fully planned out every single detail, didn't they?
"Wow." So, Zayaan and I had a four-year age difference. I should've thought to find that out earlier, but now that I had, it wasn't too terrible.
"Yep. Mum didn't really say to ask for your opinion, but is everything okay with you, Faithe? If not, you can tell me. I promise I'll bring it up to our parents."
I smiled at his concern. My brother was the only person that I could completely and utterly trust; the one person who has had my back since I could remember. "It's all fine. But Zayaan and I are going to Turkey alone?"
"Yep. All alone, little sis. They trust you."
"Uh huh. As if we're going to be doing anything inappropriate; that man is a saint, Aden. And you know that's the last thing I'll do," I chided, rolling me eyes at his silent insinuation: don't do anything to break their trust. I was pining over someone else; I wasn't exactly going to make a move on Zayaan.
He laughed. "Alright. I'll see you later, then. Oh, and do me a favour and tell Evie that if she ever makes those toffee cupcakes again, I won't mind receiving a couple, will you?"
I laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Sure. See you later."
"Bye." Click.
I looked up at the ceiling, and after a few minutes, I continued on resuming my earlier activity of deleting traces of my brother's best friend from my life.
This was it. We were done.