Trigger warning: mention of self-harm, and scars. If you will be triggered by any of them, even if you're not totally sure, please do not risk it for my shitty writing. I love you all, stay safe!
It had been twenty-eight hours with no sleep before I finally crashed into a slumber. We didn't move from the bench on that cliff top for hours, it was a beautiful morning to be out – only I never really took great appreciation in it. I was devastated; experiencing the grief and loss that had surfaced – the repercussion of pushing it all away.
I fought sleep for as long as I could; I wasn't ready for the recurring nightmare, the day itself had been enough. From the phone call with my father to the beach where I revealed all, I didn't want to suffer through another reminder of what happened.
We were both so tired, that at nine AM, Ethan suggested we went home. I was so caught up in reality, letting everything sink in, talking through my feelings with Ethan, going through random bursts of emotion – crying, smiling, laughing for some odd reason before sobbing because I felt bad – that the hours passed by, that six AM when I finally told him, turned to nine so quickly.
And as hard as it was through the motion of the car, I kept awake until we got back to his family apartment – mainly because of my fear of anyone else driving but me, not the travel sickness; the pills were still effective. We decided that leaving the dorm as we had planned for the holiday is how it's going to be, and for us to both get some good sleep, his bed was the way to go anyway.
It was eleven AM when I finally closed my eyes, Ethan's arms were loosely wrapped around my waist, the sheets lightly lying across us, my back pressed up against his chest. I didn't bother trying to fight the sleep that quickly consumed me.
It was broken sleep, I kept waking up with a jolt of paranoia, paranoid of the expectant nightmare, which never came at all. Ethan would wake alongside me, hushing me back to sleep, lightly pressing kisses to my shoulder blade.
I'm now stirring awake again, my mind in a sleepy daze when I go to turn on my front, but I'm quickly sucking in a breath when I wince, a reminder of what happened yesterday.
"Hey, be careful." He whispers, and I look back over my left shoulder to see him also awake, his hair messy and a gentle smile on his face. I turn slightly, so I'm laid flat on my back. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah, I'm still tired but I'm rested." I immediately screw up my face at the sound of my voice, it sounds sore, broken and a total mess.
"Do you want me to make some coffee, I'll bring us food as well?" He asks, and I nod slightly, frowning when I see the time displayed on the clock that's on his left bedside table.
"It's eight PM?" I blurt out, shocked that I've slept even one hour nevertheless nine. I feel like I've hardly slept at all.
"Yeah, I didn't want to wake you. You needed the sleep, baby." He murmurs, pulling the sheet up to my chin and I smile in response at the kind gesture.
"Thank you, I appreciate it." I say, regarding everything that's happened in the last two days. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.
"It's no worries, you're welcome. So, Maria made this pork casserole, I promise it's nicer than it looks. I didn't want to wake you and I didn't know if you wanted to be surrounded by the children right now, so she plated ours up for later." He informs me, and I couldn't be more grateful.
"I'll make sure to thank her in the morning because that sounds amazing." I say, and he hums, leaving a quick kiss on my head before he gets up. "You're going now?"
"Yeah, you haven't ate since last night. You also need some water. I'll be ten minutes, max – your phone is on there, I charged it up." He really is just making me fall deeper for him without realizing it.
"Thank you, again, for everything. I'm going to text my friends, see if they're all alive." I say, mentally face palming myself over the word choice.
"Text Felix too, he's been worried about you." He adds and I smile, giving him a little nod before he leaves the room.
No one knows what's happened recently – as soon as we walked through the door this morning, Scar and Maria asked if I was okay; I'm not surprised, I looked a mess. Ethan had told them I wasn't doing great with it being the holiday season and I just needed some rest which was no lie. They didn't question it, they only hoped I was okay before we went into his bedroom.
Felix however followed us and admitted that he heard the part of the phone conversation about the drugs, so Ethan assured him I was okay now, and made him swear to secrecy not to tell Lauren – someone he's been texting quite a lot recently. He wants a catch up with me though, to make sure I'm actually okay – he made a joke that he's a better listener than Ethan. I only smiled as he left, but I know deep down Ethan has been better than I could ever imagine, and everything I've needed and more.
Going on my phone, I mumble an 'oops' under my breath when I see countless message notifications from the group chat between Matt, Lauren, Hanna and me. The last I checked this, I was sending photos of our time in New York, them all swooning over the photo of Ethan kissing me in front of the Rockefeller tree – that feels like a week ago, not the day before yesterday.
I'm scrolling upwards until I see the photos and take my time as I read through the rest of the messages. There were shared complaints between Hanna and Lauren over being back home. Matt was boasting that he's doing amazing which really is no surprise, he's got quite an easy life when he visits his parents apart from having no friends. Then there's more conversations, I swear all we do is talk even when we're not together. I'm hardly reading the messages, and my thumb stops on the screen when the picture of a baby loads, a pink blanket wrapped around them.
Baby Sallie has been born, let's hope she's the last! I'm already tired of the screaming.
The text below it from Hanna just makes me burst out laughing; I know deep down that she's actually happy. She hates children, like deeply hates them, but she's always happy for her mom. I've seen her with her siblings, I've been on FaceTime when she's with them, and she's a natural with them. She may hate the screaming, but she's most likely enjoying the cuddles right now.
I send a quick congratulations text, happy for her parents' new arrival.
I've not missed much because the rest of the messages are either congratulations, and then talking about the baby. I love babies, but I know they'll never be in the cards for me. I've made jokes and everything, but it truly is one of my biggest fears.
It's why I'm so careful; always using some sort of birth control. Plan B is never guaranteed full protection, neither are condoms, but it's better than nothing at all. It's just over two weeks since I last came off my period – since Ethan and I last had sex in the shower of the gym – and I'm on edge and will be until it comes again. It's always been like that for me though, I've always had paranoia over pregnancy, especially when condoms aren't involved. It's just a waiting game.
I don't hate children; I think babies are cute and I will support anyone who wants to have them. For me personally, I don't think I'd be a great mother, I also don't want to experience pregnancy or birth, and I don't want a whole human being totally dependent on me. It's truly terrifying.
If I were to ever get pregnant, I would speak to my partner about it, but the outcome would always be the same. I wouldn't go through with it. I'm only twenty, but I truly believe my opinion will never change on it.
As I'm about to put my phone back down, I remember that Ethan told me to text Felix, so I flick through my contacts. Ethan gave me his number along with Scar and Maria's when we were in bed on the first night in New York, so if I ever needed him and he didn't pick up, I had back up numbers. I laughed, but I'm secretly glad.
I don't know where Felix is; if he's in the apartment or not, so I send him a quick text before putting my phone back on the bedside table.
Thank you for checking on me, I'm okay now, I'm sorry for worrying you. I hope you're okay too! X
Now I'm back to doing nothing, I need to pee and wash my face, maybe get a shower but I don't dare move, my legs are hurting. They're not too painful, just sore and stinging slightly.
When the door all of a sudden opens, I'm expected to be greeted by Ethan, but it's Felix who walks through, a mug in his hand.
"I got you coffee, Ethan said I could come in to see you if I was nice." He whispers, and I smile, nodding slightly as he walks around to Ethan's side, putting the coffee down on the bedside table.
"Thank you, I appreciate it. I just text you." I say, going to sit up but I wince from the pain, sucking in a breath through my teeth.
"Be careful." He says, helping me up gently and I smile, gratefully at him. "You good?"
"Yeah, thank you." I nod, running my hands through my messy hair.
"Are you sure?" He asks, his eyes squinted seriously, making sure that I'm okay.
"Yeah, I will be." I shrug it off, and he takes a seat in the bed next to me, keeping out of the sheets.
"I'm not going to say anything to Lauren, I already told Ethan that, but I wanted to tell you, so you know that I really mean it. I'm not going to tell her about anything that's happened, not that I know much, I wouldn't and I aren't going to. But, Frankie, I know her enough to know she'll support you through anything that's happening." He says, and I sigh, pursing my lips together.
"I know, and it's what makes me feel guilty. I know all my friends would, they're amazing, and they'll support me through everything, as I would them. But what has happened for me to get to this place, is extremely hard to talk about. I trust Ethan with everything, it's like we have a level of understanding. I'm not saying that I don't trust my friends because I do, immensely, I trust them so much, but I know Ethan understands it to a point. I don't believe my friends will without me totally explaining everything, and I could be totally wrong, I probably am." I say, feeling a little guilty at the revelation, but it's true. Ethan somehow understands everything; my actions which confuses me – whereas I don't think my friends will. They'll try to understand why I did what I did, but it won't make sense without telling them about the accident which I aren't ready for.
"You've got Kane, and as much as I shit on him, I know he's good to you. But, remember you have got Lauren, Hanna, Matt, and me now, as well as him. When you're ready, they'll all be there for you. If it's in weeks or even months from now." He says and I nod, smiling at him.
"I really appreciate it and thank you for not telling Lauren. I don't know what's happening between you two, but I know it sucks to keep things from people." I say, knowing that fact all too well.
"We're friends... who had sex once at a club. Not that I wouldn't again, I just don't think Lauren wants to. She's a wild thing, isn't she?" He chuckles, and I nod with a little laugh as he rolls his head back on the pillow. "She text me the other day, she had just landed in Korea, and we've been calling, but she's firing so many mixed signals."
"Her ex was a dickhead, Felix, like a massive one. She told me that she told you a little bit, so I'm not going to repeat things that you don't know. But he treat her like shit. You was the first guy she slept with since him. She's going to be guarded, he broke her over and over again." I say, and he sighs, nodding as he runs his hand through his hair.
"Why are girls so confusing?" He mutters.
"Excuse you? Men are the most confusing people on this earth. It could be just me, but I'm very straight forward, if you are confused with me, it's a you problem." I say and he scoffs, shaking his head. "How are we confusing then?"
"Women's emotions can turn, like a fucking switch has been flicked, like you can be happy one second and totally bawling your eyes out the next. And you do this thing where you pretend you're okay with something, then you attack like you hadn't just said it was okay." He's got a point, but that's just being a woman in general.
"Felix, try having female hormones for twenty-four hours, I would love to see you handle your emotions too. Ooh, and handle bleeding as well as cramps for a whole week. It's something I'd love to see you endure." I mutter with a smile on my face.
"I never said anything about periods, you girls handle that like champs. I'm just saying, you're confusing as fuck." He says, and I hum, agreeing with his first point, but not the last. I'm not going to admit to that even though I do secretly agree.
The bedroom door opens again, and I smile comes to my face when I see Ethan holding two plates of food. The smell hits my nostrils, my mouth watering when it does, and only now do I realize how hungry I actually am.
"Get out of my bed before I kick you out." Ethan's first words are spoken, directed at Felix.
"I'll leave you with the angry beast." Felix whispers to me before quickly slipping out of the bed.
"Thank you for coming to see me." I say, and he smiles until he passes Ethan, his eyes widening, mouthing a 'good luck'. I giggle in return, and Ethan just rolls his eyes when the door shuts behind him.
"You have a good talk?" Ethan asks softly, and I smile at how quick his demeanor changes around me.
"Yeah, you should stop being so mean to him, he's a sweetheart." I say, and he rolls his eyes yet again. "You're such an asshole."
"Always have been, darling." He muses, before quickly looking at me and then back to the food. "I feel like the table in there would have been the better option."
"Can I use one of your pillows?" I ask wearily, I don't want to get food on them.
"Yeah, they'll wash, I just don't want you to hurt yourself." He says, and I grab a pillow from behind me, lying it over my legs.
"If it hurts, I'll put it in front of me." I say and he nods, passing me the plate of hot food. And the look and smell alone has my stomach making all kinds of weird sounds. I gently put the plate down on the pillow, and thankfully it doesn't hurt me at all.
"You have the coffee that Felix brought you, but I'm going to get us both some water because you need some, okay?" He tells me, and I grab his hand before he leaves again.
"Thank you for everything." I whisper, and he smiles gently in response.
I don't deserve this man. At all.
It's less than a minute until he's beside me, and we're digging into the meal which without question is amazing. Maria's cooking is always perfect, but every time I eat anything made by her, it gets better.
"You full?" He asks, and I can't even lift my head to nod. I can't move, so I put my thumbs up. His laughter fills my ears, and I smile at the beautiful sound. "I'm glad. How are you feeling?"
"As okay as I can be right now. But overall I just feel all kinds of things." I mutter, sighing slightly.
"I'm here to listen if you want to talk. Talk all night, I'm not going anywhere." He assures me.
"I'm kind of numb right now; in shock that you know everything and you're still here. My heart hurts, I'm experiencing the grief I pushed away. I also feel... free for some reason, like a weight has lifted. I'm feeling guilty because you're stuck caring for me, but also because I'm hiding things from my friends. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, but right now, I can't. I need help because of something I've brought on myself. I also feel disgusting – I need to pee, brush my teeth, wash my face and I want a shower." I look over at him after my ramble, and he smiles sympathetically at me.
"First of all, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. Accept every feeling – if you need to cry; cry, if you need me to hold you; I'm here for you. Your friends will understand why you didn't tell them when you eventually do, so don't feel guilty. And as for me, I'm your boyfriend and I'm helping you because I genuinely want to help you." He says softly, and I nod, smiling gently. "And for the shower; I have a bath in there, if you want to get in a bath? As well as an extra toothbrush"
"It's going to hurt, isn't it?" I ask, anxiously biting my lip.
"Maybe, but we can stop if it gets too much." He says.
"Can you get in with me?" I whisper.
"Of course." He nods.
"I need to pee, but I don't want to get up." I mutter with a groan, speaking my thoughts, my belly actually hurting from the fact that I've held it so long.
"You're going to have to though before you make yourself ill." He says with a raised brow, and he's not wrong. "Come on, I'll take these plates in and help you up."
"I'm going to continue thanking you but know that I really appreciate it." I say, stressing my point because I hate feeling helpless like I currently am.
"You don't have to thank me, seriously babe, stop thanking me." He says with a smile as he gets up, taking the plate from me.
"Well, I do, so thank you." I say, stretching out and I wince slightly when my legs feel tight and sore.
"Be careful, I'll help you up in a second." He says, and I smile briefly before he leaves.
I'm combing my hair with my fingers whilst he's gone, trying to tame it as much as I can, but there's parts that are fixed together with snot – honestly it's disgusting. I'm surprised Ethan hasn't brought up the offer of a bath because I have no doubt in my mind that I don't look like a homeless person.
When Ethan comes back into the room, he walks around to my side of the bed – the left side as you walk in, my right side where I'm currently sat – and he pulls back the sheets, kneeling forward onto the mattress. He gently lifts under my calves, moving my legs around which only hurts a little, so they are now draping out of the bed before he picks me up under my arms, holding my full weight.
"Are you okay?" He checks.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to pee." I say with a little laugh.
"You should have said earlier." He chuckles, and I look up at him, missing his face when there were no worry on it. I've done this, and I just wish I could take it all away. Just for him to look at me the same again. I know there will be, in time, but right now he's trying to mask his true feelings to support me, and I can see right through it.
Ethan keeps his arm around my waist as he leads me into his bathroom; slowly as I walk through the little bit of pain. He switches on the light before quickly dropping down into a crouching position, my eyebrows flying up, and he chuckles at my reaction. He searches my face seriously this time, and I nod for him to go ahead, and that's when he reaches for the waistband of my lounge pants.
"I'll get you a pair of my gym shorts and large shirt for after, is that okay?" He asks, distracting me as he gently pulls down the fabric, over the bandages.
"Yeah, that's perfect, thank you." I whisper, keeping my eyes on him.
He taps my foot, gesturing me to step out of the pants, and so I do. He pushes them to the side, and then reaches for the waistband of the boxers, dancing with the hem, hesitating again and looks up at me.
"Is this okay?" He asks and I nod immediately, the urge to pee being way more important than the fact I haven't shaved down there in nearly a week – I know that's not why he asked. I usually shave every time I go in the shower, but every time I was in the shower during our visit in New York, he was with me, and we're not at that level of our relationship yet. In fact, I don't think I could ever do that.
He senses my eagerness, and so whilst also been careful, he quickly pulls the boxers down my slim tanned legs, and I step out of them. His hands curl under my arms, holding my weight as he eases me onto the toilet before he turns away and starts running the faucet on the bath, so I can have some privacy.
"Are you even peeing?" He asks after a minute, and the simple answer is no.
"Jesus." I groan, and he laughs, shaking his head, his back still to me. "I'm pee shy, you're not helping."
"You haven't peed since yesterday afternoon, and you're too pee shy to pee whilst I'm here?" He asks, and I nod, only realizing after that he can't see me.
"Yes, always have been." I mutter, looking anywhere but him.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asks.
"Nope, just give me a minute." I say, stifling a laugh as I close my eyes.
"You're also orgasm shy, so I'm not even surprised." He says, and I splutter out a laugh. "I'm not lying, you always try to push them away and fight them. Like you're honesty scared of them"
"Having an orgasm and peeing are two completely different things." I say, and he hums, and I finally open my eyes, to see him still stood there, staring at the bath. "It is!"
"You do fight your orgasms though." He mutters, and I don't answer because it's true, I do. I do it because it's a total moment of vulnerability for me, and it's scary. I've never really received an orgasm by anyone but myself, and with him, the sex always continues after. Even with my ex, I always was the one to make myself orgasm during the sex we shared. I'm scared of it all coming to an end, but also hate how weak and vulnerable I get after. "That'll come in handy when I withhold you from orgasms in the future."
"You wouldn't." I blink at him.
"Darling, you don't know the half of what I'm capable of. Seeing you squirm until you're begging me to let you cum, but I won't let you... and if you did disobey me, well, it's not going to be a pretty punishment – that's going to be one my favorite things to do with you, if you'd let me." He says so casually, and I quite literally gape at the man. I'm genuinely curious if he would do it though.
"You're too greedy, you're basically demanding me to cum when we have sex." I retort.
"Yeah, well there's the greedy side of me, and then there's the teasing mastermind side of me. You haven't met the devil just yet." He says, and I purse my lips, glad that he can't see the blush on my face.
"How far would you take it?" I ask curiously, and he turns around now, me firing glares his way.
"You've seriously not peed yet?" He asks.
"No, turn back around, but still talk." I say, and he rolls his eyes before quickly turning around.
"Fine, so there will always be boundaries as there is with sex, but we can make our own. I would try anything with you, but if there were anything you would never try, you'd tell me, so we would never get to the point you'd be scared or anything." He says before trailing the sentence off, and I nod, processing the information. "Like, I know you like being choked... I saw your eyes sparkle, that time in the shower, I didn't intend to do it without talking with you, but your eyes spoke louder than words could. I have a feeling you like spitting – that one time, I did it down to your clit, you were more turned on by that action alone than anything I did to you. And I know, you like being both on top, in charge, and on bottom, being submissive to me."
I'm speechless, totally and utterly gob-smacked.
"You're quiet, have I said anything wrong?" He checks, his voice gentle and in no way teasing.
"No, nothing wrong, I'm just surprised. I didn't realize you noticed." I say, and he chuckles.
"I notice a lot." He says, his voice soft.
With my eyes closed, the faucet still running, so it's quite loud, and him silent in the corner, I finally pee, but it wasn't easy, I really am pee shy.
Needing some independence, I help myself up after wiping, and I then flush the toilet before walking over to him, him spinning around straight away at the sound anyway.
"You feel better?" He asks and I nod, smiling slightly. "Good. I won't make the temperature too hot, but if it is, just tell me and I'll put some more cold in."
"I'm a pest, aren't I?" I say, and he frowns at my words.
"Shut up, Francesca." He says, and I giggle in response as he moves around me, towards the sink basin that's next to the toilet. "I've got a toothbrush in here, but that's it. If you need anything like makeup wipes, or hair ties, you may have to ask Maria because you're the only girl I've let in this apartment nevertheless this bedroom, and I haven't got anything."
"I'll be okay, I do need to brush my hair though." I mutter, and he smiles as he takes out one from the cupboard underneath.
"I don't know if it's any good-" I cut him off.
"It's perfect." I assure, walking over to him. "Thanks."
I brush my hair and he quickly takes over, brushing the back of it, being careful when it pulls. He makes sure the temperature is cool enough for me yet still warm for us both to relax. I really appreciate how he's taking care of me; it means a lot. He knows how much guilt and regret I'm holding over harming myself, so I'm just glad he's here and supporting me through it.
I was scared to even look at my thighs, so he undressed them, distracting me with odd questions about food – weird topic, but I went with it. He admitted to not liking apple pie, which ended up with me firing the pineapple on pizza in his face. I still won't ever get my head around the fact he likes pineapple on fucking pizza.
"Pass me your shirt, I'll put it over here, so it doesn't get wet." He says, looking at me through the mirror above the sink. I've just finished brushing my teeth, and I feel so refreshed now.
I hesitate slightly before pulling the shirt above my head, and I pass him it. My eyes are back on my figure in the mirror, and I tilt my head to the side as I wearily bring my right hand to my chest. I dance my fingers over the skin, trailing down to my sides until I'm met with the scar on my right rib cage. It's small, but it's still there.
"You're beautiful – scars and all." He whispers, walking up behind me totally naked, his hands gently coming to my waist.
"It's a constant reminder." I bite down on my lip, glancing down at my thighs in the mirror and I choke on a sob. "So are they."
"You've been through so much, Francesca." He says with a little sigh. "But you're still as beautiful as the day I met you. Through everything this month, you've never looked less beautiful. These scars don't define you."
My heart swarms with butterflies – feelings that are on the verge of exploding, so eagerly wanting to come out, but as I always do, I push that urge down to tell him. I don't know what I feel because for so long, I didn't even know there was a feeling of total adoration and consumption, not like this. There's a lingering word, but admitting that to him and myself, means that I never felt it before, not with anyone but him, and it's somewhat terrifying.
"You're so beautiful, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." He murmurs.
"Ethan." I'm breathless, trying to think straight. "Kiss me."
He carefully cups my jaw with his right hand, tilting my face up to reach him halfway, and he softly molds our lips together, before they're moving in sync at a slow pace. This is the first kiss we've shared since just before we left New York – I've missed the simple pleasure. A low moan escapes me, and he's pulling away, pressing his lips together into a line.
"Missed you, baby." He whispers, and I close my eyes, nodding gently, agreeing with him. "Let's get in the bath, yes?"
I'm nodding again with a small smile, taking his hand and I'm weary as we approach the clear water, no soap or bubbles in sight. Holding onto his hand, I step into the water and I let out a shaky breath, thankful that the water is just perfect. It's not too hot, but it's not too cool either. He grabs my under arm, and helps me as I crouch down, the wounds on my legs tightening and eventually starting to sting when I settle into the water.
"Is it okay?" He asks and I let out a shaky breath, still giving him a nod. "Are you sure?"
"Stings, but it'll be okay." I grit out. He takes that answer before he steps in, sitting opposite me, so his back is near to the faucets, his legs coming to the side of mine, the big tub really coming in handy.
"Want me to distract you?" He asks.
"Please." I'm eager, anything to keep my mind occupied.
"What do you want to do after college?" He asks and I immediately groan. "No?"
"Something that won't make me fall asleep or depress me." I say, seeing a smile turn up on his face.
"Sex? The conversation from before was left in the air." He reminds me.
"Okay, I don't mind that." I whisper, because in all honestly, I've wanted to continue it.
"I want to know what you'd like." He says cautiously.
"You give me everything I need already." I tell him, meaning every word.
"No, I mean what you'd like to try. If you're totally satisfied with what we have already, I am too. But if there is anything you would want to try, I'm all ears." He says.
"Um, I guess I've always stuck to the basics. It's always been vanilla, even the sex we've had. What you had said before about the... choking and the spitting, I agree, I like them. I was surprised because no one ever has done that." I say, feeling more comfortable as I speak with him. I'm no prude, but I'm not one to speak about sex so openly like this, especially around the guy who I'm doing it with.
"Let's do a round of twenty-one questions – I suggest something, you either turn it down with a 'no', if you're intrigued you say 'maybe' or 'yes'. Okay?" He asks, and I nod, liking this approach. "Blindfolds?"
"Yes, I like excitement, something to keep me on my toes, so blindfolding would be okay." I answer, and he smiles, taking a mental note – I can tell.
"Restraints; like handcuffs, rope?" He asks.
"Yes." I say, the butterflies in the pit of my belly erupting even thinking about it.
"You're okay with choking, yes?" He checks.
"Yes." I nod.
"Gagging?" He asks, and I frown, unsure. "You don't have to like it, and besides, I like your pretty mouth."
"Okay, I'm not saying no, I just don't know." I say, and he nods with a little smile.
"Anal?" He asks, my eyes widening in response.
"Your dick is not going in my ass, it's just not." I say, and he chuckles at my reaction.
"What about sex toys, my fingers?" He suggests.
"I don't know, would it hurt?" I ask.
"It would be a little uncomfortable, but the orgasm would be amazing." He tells me, honestly.
"Maybe then." I answer.
"There's literally no rushing into this anyway, Francesca. At all." He assures.
"I know." I whisper.
"Spitting is okay?" He asks.
"In my mouth?" I double check, and he nods hesitantly. "Yeah."
I think he's surprised by answer because it takes a few seconds for him to recover.
"Spanking, slapping or hitting of any kind?" He suggests, and quickly adds. "I aren't comfortable with anything above the boobs, I'm not hitting your face."
"I've never done any of it – I really did mean it when I said my sex life has been dire." I mutter, rolling my eyes.
"That's okay, you know that, right?" He asks, and I nod, but I wish I had this before now. At the same time, I'm glad I'm this age.
"I'm saying yes by the way, to the hitting thing, but there has to be boundaries." I say.
"Of course, there will always be communication with us, verbal or not, you hear me?" He smiles.
"Yes sir." I smack my hand over my mouth, shaking my head when his eyes twinkle. "No, no, no!"
"I'm not opposed to that." He says, my lips pursing in response.
"If I say it in the moment, we never talk about it again, yes?" I ask.
"Maybe." He shrugs, and I glare playfully at him. I know for sure if I ever say that, he will bring it up at some point to embarrass me.
"Next one." I push.
"Overstimulation." He says, and I'm quick to frown again. "When you have an orgasm, I stop what I'm doing to your clit because it's sensitive, right?"
"Yeah." I'm unsure where he's going with this.
"I keep going, it overstimulates the sensitivity and will continue to do so until you have multiple orgasms in a row." He says, surprising me, and I feel like there's been a shield over my eyes for so long. "Like I said before; I'm greedy sometimes, where I'll want you totally spent, but I like to keep you on the edge also, which bring me to my next suggestion – edging."
"Ethan, seriously?" I groan.
"It'll make the orgasm better in the end." He bargains like that's all I care about... which isn't exactly false.
"Okay fine, but it works both ways." I say, and he nods, smiling yet I don't think realizes what he's just agreed to. I can have sex with him, not get him off and walk away. I feel like that's a great plan.
"Temperature?" He asks and I'm frowning again, I'm so clueless to all this. "Ice, chains, anything that's cold really."
"Okay." It's exciting me by only thinking about all this.
"Degrading." He says, and he's quick to explain yet again. "Nothing that I'd say would I actually mean, I would never call you a slut or a whore or anything remotely like that, not with meaning it. It would simply be just degrading – praising really. If you don't like that, it will never be something I'd say."
"Okay, but if I don't like it and cry, you know why." I say, joking but I don't think he caught on. "I won't cry, I'd tell you though."
"That's all I want." He says, letting out a breath. "I really don't want you to cry, not from my words anyway."
"So, you want me crying other ways?" I quip, catching on very quickly to what he's insinuating. He only smiles in response.
"The next one is something you can immediately shut down." He says, his eyes wide and I nod in understanding, but I'm not prepared when he actually says it. "Knife play."
"What?" I blurt out, smacking my hand over my mouth as a laugh bubbles out. "I know what it is, I'm just surprised."
"When I say knife play, I don't mean I'm actually going to harm or mark you with the knife like some do, I mean just teasing carefully." He makes sure the last word comes across as serious as he can.
"Um, I guess. I never really thought about it before, so I'll say maybe?" It comes out unsure.
"Hey, that's totally fine. You really don't have to agree to anything you don't want to." He says, taking my hands in his.
"I know." I nod.
"Okay, that's good because I know some of these aren't exactly everyone's thing." He says softly, and I smile in response. "Is there any you'd like to suggest?"
"I know you mentioned it with the anal thing, but just toys in general?" I'm weary, not confident in this at all.
"Anything you want." He says with a nod.
"Um, I like being on top, so like the restraints and stuff, are you agreeing to it all, also?" I ask, looking him in the eye.
"Yeah, mainly everything I've suggested, I like myself. I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with anal play though, I really don't." He says, and I nod, understanding that. It's not everyone's thing.
"How do you know all this? Have you done all this before?" I need to ask; it's been a burning question.
"No, not really; I would never feel comfortable with anyone else. It's always intrigued me, but everyone that I've slept with was quick and useless – I never wanted them to stick around, I didn't want to do those things with them. It all started because I did sleep with this one girl, she was very dominant and I hated being dominated... well, you're kind of the exception with that. But, it opened up an array of things, and I went down a loophole on the web. Some interested me whereas some didn't at all. If we did anything, we would be both trying it out together – that's why I want you to be totally sure." He murmurs, and I nod, smiling at him, understanding that. "Anymore suggestions?"
"Threesome or foursome?" I ask, not as a suggestion like he asked, just curious as if he was open to it.
"Seriously?" He blinks, and I nod for him to go ahead with his answer. "It's something that's intrigued me, and something I have wanted to do, but I'm too possessive over you. I couldn't see anyone touching or kissing you; not a woman, a man or a person, no one that isn't me."
"Likewise." I'm glad we're on the same page.
"You'd like to do it though?" He checks.
"I think it would be fun. A foursome seems better though." I don't know why, but it just does.
"Yeah, I agree." He mutters, smiling over at me. "Is it okay if I ask you something, and you can kindly tell me to fuck off if I'm out of line?"
"Of course." I say with a nod, intrigued by what this question will be.
"Has there been a reason why you haven't done oral, or is it simply because it's just not happened?" He asks, and it's a very valid question.
"It just hasn't happened. I want to, I've wanted to but with everything that happened at the club, it feels like everything just ruined what we had going. I know it's only momentarily though. But please know that I do want to – everything with sex is just a massive question mark, I still don't know how I'll react when you touch me for the first time nevertheless fuck me." I say, and he gently cups my jaw.
"I'm not going to fuck you, not that first time, you're going to fuck me – you're going to be in charge always, you hear me?" He asks, and my heart jumps, warmth spreading through my heart.
"Your words are dirty, but I really appreciate them." I whisper, giggling slightly.
"I want you to be fully comfortable – it will always start off with you on top, but we can always switch positions, but that first part will just be you." He says, and I smile, leaning into the hand that he still has cupping my jaw.
"Thank you for distracting me, I'm okay now. And I learnt quite a lot." I murmur, not sure if we reached twenty-one questions/suggestions or not. I don't think we did, but we still got through a lot.
"Everything that I suggested, there's no rush into trying any of them out." He assures me.
"I know, and I appreciate that. Also thank you for explaining some of them. I may have slept with my fair share of guys, but I haven't been involved or exposed to hardly or if any of those things. I won't lie and say you haven't intrigued me though." I say and he chuckles in response at the last sentence.
Having sex has never been a massive thing, not up until recently when it's been made to be. Trying new things, experimenting has always been something that I've wanted to do because I've always felt quite empty and lost when it comes to sex. Ethan has never left me unsatisfied, but just in general, sex has always been very simple – not boring as such, just vanilla. Which is okay, I like that, but I am interested in the other stuff as well, so I'm just glad we've had this conversation.
"How are you feeling? I know I keep asking, but I feel the need to check on you." He asks gently.
"Right now, I'm feeling happy; I'm with you. I'm feeling good now that I've ate, brushed my teeth, peed, and this bath is somewhat relaxing. I'm still tired, so I don't think I'll be staying up again tonight, but everything considering, I'm good. Um, I'm kind of dreading Christmas in a day's time though, but I know that when time gets tough, we've got each other. You still know that, don't you?" I check with him.
"Things turn to shit; we'll go and celebrate our own way by not celebrating at all?" He guesses, a twinkle in his eyes, and I nod confidently.
"Exactly that." I laugh.
"Christmas isn't ruined yet though – I haven't had my breakdown." He's smiling like a proud child, but I'm sensing his real emotion from here.
"It wouldn't be ruined anyway." I whisper, assuring him that if things do turn for the worst, it's not going to be ruined because of that.
He's silent, thinking and staring into space, so I start another topic, filling the silence, pulling him of his own head – something he always does with me when I always need it. He gives me a thankful smile before the conversation takes off, him replying, snapping back into reality.
He has problems too, and that's why him being here with me makes me feel more and more grateful.
We're each other's anchors.
~~~~~
A/N
LONG CHAPTER! WOW.
This was supposed to be a filler chapter, and every filler chapter somehow turns into one of the longest chapters that I write.
All of those sexual suggestions in their conversation, are things that may or may not be making an appearance. Whenever I've wrote smut, the 'kinkiest' I've ever wrote in, was a vibrator (last book), or the ice cubes (also last book). I've always stayed in the safe zone because I knew my sister was always reading, but I'm growing up and to be quite honest, she as well as anyone else that isn't comfortable with it, can skip.
They're all things I am comfortable with writing, but if you're truly not comfortable reading it, there is always chances to skip out on things. To be clear, there is no more smut in this book – it wasn't ever going to be an extra sexual book which I am kind of sad about. But my next WIP definitely will be.
As you could probably tell with this chapter, that I'm trying to lighten things back up again – I am not, in any way shape or form, ignoring what happened with the incident by not having her talk about it like she has in the past. Francesca is a very closed off person. Ethan is giving her the time she needs to not only process it all but experience the grief she's going through. Every single person grieves differently, she doesn't even know how to, not fully. He is helping her, not by the same kinds of distractions that she originally started, but just easing her back into life again, making things normal, and distracting her with those kinds of topics, so she isn't stuck in her head.
The lighthearted conversation about sex is just them as people – just because something massive was revealed, didn't mean they surprisingly vanished. Grief can comes in waves, in that moment, it was just them being Francesca and Ethan. The incident was at the back of her mind, everything at the club was still present in moments but pushed away – healthily.
Anyway, sorry about the long author's note. It's fitting to the long-ass chapter.
Life update: I went to a farm yesterday, touched a sheep, saw some lambs, piglets, kids and calves alongside their mums. VERY CUTE! I'm back at work tomorrow, I'm extremely tired, so I'm going to go to sleep now.
Question of the chapter:
What makes you immediately exit a book on Wattpad?
(1) the whole chapter is in one paragraph.
(2) the author romanticizes or glamorizes r*pe, p*dophilia, or mental health.
(3) no plot, the whole book being pure smut – it makes me lose interest.
(4) no side characters – I need more than just the MC and LI. I want to see strong friends, and some extra story lines, it adds a lot to a book.
(5) I love a good strong female lead, and I really don't like books where the girl is a virgin – it kind of puts me off.
I hope this chapter was okay!
I love you all, only three chapters left!
Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx
7550 words!
~B