Ever since I agreed to that date with Jude, I had been having dreams about Kieran. Well, nightmares would be more accurate. In each one, we are back in my apartment living room, the glass shatters and sprinkles itself in my hair and all over the floor. Kieran lunges at me, gripping my hands harder than he did before. In each dream, I kept waiting for Nathan to come in as he had in real life, but he never did. Instead, Kieran pushed me to the ground, causing my head to hit the floor and shards of glass to cut into my shoulders and back.
"This is what you deserve," Kieran spat as he raised his fist, but just before it could connect to my face, I woke up.
Out of breath, I positioned myself upward and tried to regain my breath. I looked at my phone on the nightstand and pressed the button. It was only ten at night. I must've fallen asleep early. Getting out of bed, I padded over to my closet, changing out of my pyjamas and into my sweatpants and a hoodie. Before I opened my door, I grabbed my phone and earbuds.
The apartment was silent. I knew Darian was likely in his room watching some obscure film that nobody has heard of. Walking by Nathan's room, I peered into it, knowing he was most likely not even home. When my suspicions were confirmed, I kept going until I reached the front door. I slipped on some Nikes and once they were securely on my feet, I walked out.
Outside, it was incredibly cold and I kicked myself for not bringing a jacket. It was winter in Canada. How dumb could I be to forget a jacket? Nevertheless, I walked along the sidewalk, it being fairly busy despite it being a Wednesday night. Tucking my hands in my pockets, I quickened the pace, desperately wanting to get to my destination before I got frostbite. I passed the convenience store Nathan went to a few days ago and I turned the corner. The street lights hardly lit up the street and I found myself wincing in hopes that I would be able to make out shapes better. I kept walking when I eventually found the familiar building and walked down the creaky metal stairs. I pushed open the door and walked through the crowd, luckily, not many paid any mind to my entrance because they were too busy watching a match in the boxing ring. I got onto my tippy toes, peering over the heads of the people in the crowd so I could see the boxing ring. Nathan wasn't in it, just one being that creepy guy Hank and the other being someone I had never seen before. Silently, I made my way to the back of the room and into the exercise room where I had found Nathan a few days ago.
Thankfully, he was there demolishing the punching bag, sweat pouring down his forehead and glistening across his naked chest. His sweatpants hung loosely at his hips. I inspected him as he attacked the bag, he was clean and precise with his movements. The door slammed shut behind me and I cringed inwardly. Nathan stopped hitting the bag and his eyes snapped in my direction, his expression surprised. He walked over to me, taking his gloves off and dropping them on the floor as he did so. His eyebrow cocked upwards. "What are you doing here?"
I shrugged. "I couldn't sleep."
"Oh?" He tilted his head to the right. "Why's that?"
The nightmares of Kieran clouded my mind and I felt myself pale, doubting ever coming here. Nathan furrowed his eyebrows as he took my shaking hand in his. "What's wrong?"
"I-I-I j-just," I started, my voice wavering. I paused before I began to speak again, feeling embarrassed that I just showed up here spontaneously and started stuttering like an idiot. Trying to calm down, I loosed a breath. "I couldn't sleep because of nightmares."
"Nightmares about what?" He asked, looking incredibly concerned. When I didn't answer, he took a guess. "Kieran?"
I nodded my head, not looking him in the eyes. "I just hate that I felt so helpless that night. And every night before. I never want to feel like that again, you know, feeling out of control."
Nathan moved his face so he could look at me fiercely. "Then take control."
"Okay," I say with false confidence. I looked at him and then to the punching bag behind him and pointed. "Then teach me how to fight, to defend myself."
Nathan looked back at the bag and then at me. "You want to know how to box?"
"You said to take control," I began. "How can I take control when I don't even feel safe?"
"Alright," Nathan agreed, nodding his head. He walked over to a box of gloves that were in the back corner by the equipment. Digging through them, he pulled out a pair of wraps and gloves. He inspected them and when he looked satisfied, he patted the bench. "C'mere." I sat down beside him and he started wrapping my hands like how he wrapped his. "First thing you're going to have to learn is how to wrap your hands properly, if you don't you could risk breaking your knuckles or at least bruising them."
"That sounds painful," I grimaced.
Ignoring my statement, he pulled me up, leading me to the punching bag. He strapped on my gloves and said, "The thing to remember is to keep your body weight evenly and stay on the balls of your feet."
I spread my legs shoulder-width apart and bent my knees slightly like I had seen him do as he was practicing before I had interrupted. "What do I do what my hands?"
Nathan went up behind me and brought my arms in front of my face. I could feel the heat of his body behind me and my breath hitched in my throat — he was so close I could also feel his heart beating. Nathan must have realized how close he was to me because he cleared his throat awkwardly and let go of my wrists. "Keep your dominant hand in the back. Elbows down, hands up, but don't block your eyes."
I nodded my head and he went behind the bag and held it. "Okay, punch."
As hard as I could, I punched the bag starting with my left hand, as it was my dominant one and I had hoped it would cause some sort of deep impact. But when I did, Nathan nor the bag budge.
Nathan watched me punch the bag repeatedly until he let go and said, "Don't waste all your energy on trying to throw your hardest punches, you'll tire yourself out."
I dropped my hands to the side. "So what do I do?"
"Be patient, princess," Nathan chuckled. "It takes time to develop solid hits without dishing out all you have to offer. My best advice? Go slow and practice as much as you can."
He went back behind the bag and gestured for me to begin hitting it once again. Listening to his advice, I went slow, making sure not to tire myself out as Nathan had warned. After a few minutes of doing this, Nathan nodded his head in approval. "You're doing good, but I think we should head home."
"Aw, why?" I whined, enjoying unleashing all my pent-up anger and frustrations.
Nathan chuckled as he unwrapped his hands. "Because you look exhausted and there's more to boxing than punching. If you're serious about this, we're going to go about this the way I learned it."
I rolled my eyes and put my hands on my hips. "And how did you learn?"
Nathan ignored the fact that my hands were on my hips and pulled on my wrists so he could help me get my gloves off. When he slipped them off he smiled at me, mischief evidently across his face. "Lots of hard work and exercise, princess. By the time we're done, you're going to hate me."
I could never hate him, I thought to myself.
"Noted," Nathan said, clearly satisfied. My face reddened and I felt like a complete moron for saying that out loud. Looking down, I unravelled the wraps on my hands but was stopped when Nathan took my chin in his hand. His hazel eyes landed on mine and stared at me intently. "You're taking back control, Audrey. Be proud of that."
Once Nathan and I finished at the gym, we got home and went straight to bed. Despite not boxing as much as I would have liked, I was incredibly tired which was probably due to the overflow of emotions I felt tonight rather than the little exercise I had done. It was the next day and now I felt myself pacing around my room, panicking about what was about to happen tonight.
***
"Samara I'm freaking out!" I screamed in her face, shaking her shoulders like a madwoman. "I don't want to go on this date!"
Samara rolled her eyes and sighed. "Then why would you say yes?"
I took a step away from her, looking at the messy floor, afraid to look up. Samara may be one of my best friends but she is super intimidating. Sometimes, I feel like I'm talking to my mother rather than my friend. "Because I felt guilty if I said no and he is a friend, I didn't want to hurt his feelings and-" I swung over to my right, where Darian was sitting in the chair by my desk, eating Ramen noodles, not paying attention to mine and Samara's conversation. "-he told me to!"
Darian stopped eating his noodles and slurped up the noodle hanging out of his mouth. "Sweetie, you're just nervous."
"I agree with Darian, you're just nervous," Samara said. She took my hand and led me to my bed. "You sit here and I will find you an outfit to wear for tonight."
Samara searched around my room, attempting to find me the perfect thing to wear for the date. Even more, clothes were thrown on my floor by the time she was through with all my clothes. "Aha! Perfect."
She held up a pair of black leggings, a white sleeveless blouse with lace trailing from the chest upwards, and my black leather jacket. "Voilà!"
I gave my friend a sheepish smile. "Thank you, Sam."
She shoved the clothes in my arms and spun me out of the room. "Get dressed and wear your black lace-up boots!"
An hour later, I was ready. Darian took charge of my hair, curling it and then putting it in a high ponytail. I've never really enjoyed having my hair up, but the way Darian did it, I didn't mind. Samara helped me with my makeup, making my eyes pop with colour and tinting my lips slightly with some gloss. As I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked good, pretty even. But I worried I was overdressed for a dessert and a movie.
A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts and I immediately felt light-headed. This is such a mistake. Maybe I could pretend to faint and I could get out of this, but I was too late, Samara swung open the door and said, "Hey, Jude! Here's your girl!"
She pushed me out of the door and I smacked my head on Jude''s hard chest.
"Ouch," I mumbled as I rubbed my head. I looked at Jude and gave him a smile. "Sorry about that."
Jude put his arm around my shoulders and brought me close. For whatever reason, his action reminded me of Nathan. Guilt consumed me and I tried to shake it off as he gave me a smile and his blue eyes lit up. "No worries, ready for our date?"
I nodded my head and we began to walk to the elevator and out the front entrance. We didn't talk much, however, Jude kept his arm around me which made it difficult to walk and part of me wanted to shrug it off but I didn't want to seem rude.
***
Once we reached the restaurant, part of me was relieved, at least we could talk about the menu or something other than the weather I lamely brought up five minutes ago.
We sat at a table near the window and I glanced around the restaurant, studying my surroundings. There wasn't anything special about the place, it had nice red booths and tables with pictures hung on the walls of different areas of Italy in various kinds of frames.
Jude looked at me as if he were studying every little detail. "You look nice."
I gave him a shy smile. "Thank you."
He gave me a nod and continued to look at the menu. "Wanna split the brownie?"
"Sure," I replied, not saying much else. When Jude and I were just friends, we could talk about books or movies, no problem, but now everything felt strained and horribly awkward.
We ordered the brownie and when it came, we talked as we ate. At first, we talked about little things like our favourite movies, books, or food— which we already knew about each other. We talked very little about our families, but that's how I liked it. Nothing to bring down a date than two dead parents and an absent sister who provoked this dinner in the first place.
"So, what do you want to do when you get out of uni?" Jude asked. We had just finished our brownie and we started to head to the theatre after we paid for our dessert.
Jude threw his arm over my shoulder again and I wanted nothing more for him to move. I took a small, unnoticeable step away from him as I said, "I want to be a writer."
"I mean, for a real job, what do you want to be?" He questioned, oblivious to the fact that writing is what I wanted for a real job. "Why wouldn't you want to pursue a career as an English teacher, seeing as that's what you're basically majoring in?"
I looked at the night sky, letting out a deep breath. "I don't know."
Jude's mouth turned downwards in a slight, disapproving frown and I felt myself getting incredibly uncomfortable with his disapproval. After that, it was safe to say the date pretty much sucked. We barely spoke before or after the movie and during the movie, he kept trying to bring me closer, if it were even possible. When we reached the door, I thanked the Lord silently for bringing this date to a close.
"I had a good time with you," Jude said with a cheeky smile.
"I did too," I replied quietly, afraid that my roommates would hear our conversation, and hating myself for lying to Jude about what I felt about the date.
Jude brought his head down for a kiss. His lips just grazed mine as I turned my face quickly, opened my door and said, "I should probably get-go-"
"It's Nathan, isn't it?" Jude asked, his bright blue eyes turning stormy.
"I-I don't-"
Jude rolled his eyes and then rubbed his jaw hard. "You have feelings for Nathan, that's why you've been acting weird all night."
Not meeting his gaze, I said nothing. I wasn't sure why I didn't deny it, nor was I sure why I didn't bother to say anything as Jude walked down the hallway and disappeared into the elevator.
I quickly went into the apartment and slammed the door. I leaned against it with my eyes shut, feeling ashamed about going on this date when I knew my heart truly wasn't in it. Alex was right. I needed to be more honest with myself. When I opened my eyes, Nathan sat on the couch, arms crossed. "How was your big date?"
"How did you even find out?" I snapped, feeling irritated at everything at the moment. I knew it wasn't right, but I was just so frustrated with everything that all I wanted to do was go to my room and sleep. When I noticed the upset look on Nathan's face, I shook my head and plopped myself on the couch beside him. "I'm sorry, it wasn't nice of me to snap."
"No worries," he said, though I could tell he was still upset. "Anyway, I was going to text you to see if you wanted to go to the gym but Darian told me where you were."
I nodded my head, more guilt attacking me. Not only did I agree to a date I wasn't completely invested in, but I kept it from Nathan. I don't even know why I did it. No, that was another lie. I didn't tell him because I was scared he would get upset. He seemed so mad when Alex said I liked Jude, I just assumed he didn't like Jude and therefore wouldn't like the idea of us going out on a date. Putting a halt to my overthinking, I turned my head to face Nathan, who was staring at the floor. "If it's any consolation, I don't think there will be another one. I kind of made him upset."
Nathan looked up, his eyes gleaming. "What did you do?"
"He just-" I stopped and shook my head, unsure how to continue.
His eyes narrowed and I noticed his fists beginning to clench. "Did he hurt you?"
"No!" I gasped immediately, shaking my head vigorously. "No, not at all. He just knew, I mean, thought that I had feelings for someone else."
"Oh," Nathan replied, relaxing his fists and looking at me strangely. "Okay."
"Yeah," I sighed. I paused for a moment and glance at the clock hanging above the television. It was nearly midnight. Getting from the couch, I said, "I'm going to bed."
Nathan nodded his head but didn't meet my gaze. "Goodnight, Audrey."