Everything...
It happened so fast...
Nurse Julie and Bethany had both urged us to go... Us taking the truck being the fastest option... Silas had taken almost no time to double-check that Bethany would be safe in Nurse Julie's care before I was lifted into his arms and run out to the truck... Which is where we are now... With Silas speeding... His grip on the steering wheel frightening while I hold my tummy and pray to the Goddess that our little nugget stays exactly where they should be... The clinic coming into sight much faster than it would have if Silas had been paying any attention to the speed limit at all... Not that I'm objecting to his hurry...
It's his silence that's scaring me... He hasn't said a word since buckling me in... He hasn't even looked at me...
I know he's not mad... But it feels like he could be... And I wish he would say something... Anything... I wish he would hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be okay... But he's focused on the road... And dealing with the situation at hand... I know he just wants us to get there... And get me seen... Get me help...
But I'm scared...
And I want comfort...
Because it hurts...
And I'm worried...
...
Silas
...
Try as I might to convince myself to slow down when we whip into the parking lot... We end up slamming to a stop in front of the entrance in a way that makes me throw my arm out in front of Addy to make sure that the seatbelt doesn't hurt him... The keys being left in the ignition after just barely taking the time to shut the truck off, the door to the driver's side of the cab being left open in my rush to get over to the passenger side to get my Addy out...
I know he's fucking terrified right now... Shaking like a leaf with tears streaming down his cheeks while he holds his belly as if trying to hold himself together while falling apart... Trying to be strong and not lose his cool because Nurse Julie told him that panicking will only make things worse...
Which... We both know she's right... It just hurts... Having to shut myself down emotionally so that he can't see how fucking terrified I am right now... Because right now he needs me to be strong so that he can be weak... So that he can focus on himself instead of worrying about me... Or how I'm feeling... Like he was doing at Ma's house...
Part of me can't believe he didn't say anything... But part of me understands why because I know him... He won't ever cause a fuss if there are things he deems more pressing at the time... He was worried that I was already stretched too thin emotionally and stressed out to handle the thought of him possibly losing our baby on top of everything else that had happened today... He was trying so fucking hard to keep himself together...
And he shouldn't have had to... I should have noticed... I should have made him stay at home in bed with his feet up after the situation with Pop had been handled... But instead, both of us seemed to completely forget the warnings Dr.Paxton had given us about keeping Addy's stress levels low and making sure that he takes plenty of time to rest...
It just hadn't been at the front of our minds... And it should have been...
And if something happens... To him... Or to our baby...
I don't know how I'll ever look him in the eyes again...
I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for not paying attention...
I don't know how he'll ever forgive me for not realizing just how stressful the situation was on his end as well as mine...
I had been thoughtless... And overwhelmed...
And now it could cost us the baby we've both been trying so hard to bring into this world...
...
Adrian
...
There is no hesitation from the staff when we burst through the door... Nurse Julie having warned them of our arrival paired with the serious look set on Silas's face as he carries me in turning the nurses around us into a storm of caring words as they do our best to assure both me and my mate that they'll do everything they can to protect both me and the little life I've been carrying around in my belly...
The check-in is barely a check-in at all... There is no waiting for us... We're taken back into one of the rooms without any hesitation, the setup of it looking as though they had just barely finished getting all of the machines situated around the bed just before we arrived... The monitors starting to get attached to me before Silas even has the chance to set me down... One of the spare Doctors not working on Mason having been waiting in the wings with an ultrasound tech and a few nurses that seem to have no other purpose but to make sure I'm calm and somewhat comfortable while they ask the questions that would have normally been done at the "intake" stage...
It's overwhelming... The feel of having so many different sets of hands touch me while my temperature is taken... One arm being commandeered in order to start an IV for fluids while my other arm is pulled on while someone straps a blood pressure cuff on me... An oxygen and pulse monitor being clipped onto the end of one of my fingers... My shirt being lifted up until it's nearly under my chin while my jeans are inched down just enough to give them the space they need after popping the button of them open in order to squirt the cold ultrasound jelly onto the skin of my lower belly...
So much is happening... And so many people are touching...
Everyone but the one person I want to hold me and cry with me and tell me everything is going to be okay...
All of it happening while Silas gets pushed back into the corner of the room... His eyes on me as he remains silent... His arms crossed over his chest while he chews on his lips... The one emotion I'm feeling from him being...
Fear.