"So what's going on between you and Hemmings?"
I immediately halt while doing my sit ups, looking at Ashton in disbelief as I'm shocked by this question. Did I just hear that right? I couldn't have possibly.
"Excuse me?" I ask.
"Keep going," he says, nodding his head towards me. I abide by his demand and continue with my sit-ups as he luckily continues with his question. "I asked what's going on with you and Hemmings. You two seem to really be getting along."
My elbows tap to my knees as I let out a breath and try to cover whatever it is between us as best as I can.
"I guess he finally decided to stop being so hard on me."
"It seems like he's doing a lot more than not being hard on you," Ashton says, practically making me stop once more.
Is it really obvious? When in public, Luke and I hardly do anything that could potentially cross any lines. Obviously, there was the situation in the cafeteria, that he's to blame for, but I'm certain that no one could've possibly noticed that.
"What do you mean?" I ask, counting the sits-ups I have left in my head.
"I don't know," Ashton shrugs. "He just looks at you with this look in his eyes that is impossible to miss."
I pray with everything in me that my cheeks don't redden at his words as my heart certainly begins to race. Had this been a few weeks ago, I would've laughed it off but considering the connection the two of us have built recently, I'm almost appreciative that someone else is able to see it; just for the confirmation.
"Well, I can promise you he's not looking at me any kind of way," I laugh, pretending like the idea is funny to me. "This is Lieutenant Hemmings we're talking about here."
Ashton still doesn't seem sold as he instructs me that I'm done with my sit-ups and gets off my knees. I take the opportunity to take a sip from my drink and sit up in order to breathe properly.
"I've known him for a while and I've seen the look in his eyes when he hates someone or even cares about someone-- the way he looks at you is entirely different."
I look down, knowing my cheeks are bound to heat up as the words are certainly flattering. It makes me feel better about whatever it is I'm feeling for Luke as someone else is giving me a confirmation that I didn't realize I needed.
"Well, I'm not sure what to tell you," I say, shaking my head. "If you find out what it is, let me know."
Ashton seems to battle with his own thoughts as he was clearly hoping on some answers from me. I refuse to give him anything further as I continue to play dumb and don't falter in the act.
"Do you have any feelings for him?" he asks, taking me by surprise as my eyes practically double in size.
"W-what?" I ask, hoping more than anything that he hasn't caught on to the way I act around him.
Ashton shrugs, getting up from the ground in order to set up my next station. I watch him walk out to a lifting bench, lifting one side so it rolls over towards the two of us.
"I don't know," he says simply. "I just didn't know if-"
"He's my Lieutenant, Ash," I say, feeling guilty for saying what I'm saying but also feeling the slightest bit better because I'm not technically lying, right?
I'm just not answering his questions.
"Sometimes people get feelings that they can't control," he says, his tone serious as his eyes find mine and I freeze for a moment.
A part of me feels as if he's referring to his own feelings that he's openly admitted to me. Unfortunately, I've told him that I'm unable to reciprocate these feelings but I can understand that he's going to hold onto them, nonetheless.
I just wish I could take them away from him.
Due to his words, I can't help but question, "Why do I feel like you're not talking about me anymore?"
Ashton doesn't react to my question, instead, keeping his gaze at a distance as he doesn't seem to know how to respond. It's hard for both of us to revisit this subject as he clearly expected differently from me.
He expected me to feel the same and tell him that we're on the exact same page. Unfortunately, we're far from it though as this place has made my feelings towards him clear.
Not that there are any negative feelings for him, moreso, it's stripped me of any potential feelings I could've ever tried to feel towards him. It put us in a real, life-changing situation that amplified our friendship and reminded me that there's nothing more to it.
He sets the bench down, moving to grab weights for me as I continue to sit on the ground, awaiting his response.
"You can tell me, you know," he says. "If you have feelings for him."
I sigh, not wanting to get into this right now but also not wanting to lie to him. The last thing I want to do is keep secrets and I fear he may already have an idea as to what's going on between Luke and I.
"We're just friends, Ash," I say.
"Friends that have feelings for each other?"
"Where is this coming from?" I ask, my tone overwhelmed as I watch him take a seat on the bench.
This really came out of nowhere and hardly gave me time to think up an excuse. Not only that, but of course Luke isn't here so I can't exactly rely on him to answer for the two of us.
He doesn't respond, instead staring at his lap and seeming to cut himself off. Maybe he'll drop the conversation as he already knows where I stand regarding my feelings for him. I would give anything to avoid this conversation again.
I thought we were past this.
"I just- I don't know, I figured you'd tell me these kinds of things," Ashton tries. "I know this place is different and we can't exactly be who we were back home but I was hoping that you'd still-"
"I don't know what you want to hear, Ash," I say, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm telling you that there's noth-"
I cut myself off, not wanting to lie to him as there certainly is something going on between Luke and myself. I can't pinpoint it obviously as everything is far too soon for me to try and decide what exactly is going on.
Ashton raises his eyebrows, clearly noticing my hesitation as I probably dug myself a hole for this one. I didn't mean to cut myself off but I also realized that I can't find it in me to blatantly lie to my best friend.
"We just connect more than we used to," I say. "Now that everything happened between us, we have a level of understanding towards one another that's allowed us to grow closer-"
"You're avoiding my question, Lila," Ashton informs me. "I'm asking you if you have feelings for him."
"I don't understand why you're asking," I say, once again avoiding the question.
"Because you know how I feel about you, Lila!"
I'm still confused by this as it doesn't provide me any answers. Does he expect me not to have feelings for Luke because he has feelings for me? Does he expect me to give him these kinds of answers just because he opened up to me about that?
"I know, Ashton," I say firmly. "I understand that but are you trying to tell me I owe you these kinds of answers? Am I now expected to tell you when I do and don't have feelings for a guy that I become close with?"
Ashton seems overwhelmed by my question, as if not expecting this response from me. It seems as if that's exactly how he's trying to pin it so I can't find it in me to take back my words.
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Then, what did you mean?" I challenge, being clueless at this point.
Just as he opens his mouth to reply, the door to the gym opens up, causing us both to look over and spot the person who is the subject of our conversation right now. Obviously, this is terrible timing as we're far from finishing our conversation and we aren't even on the same page about it.
Not only that, but it seems as if all we do around one another is fight anymore. I'd rather find peace in this conversation as opposed to continuing on the day with no resolution and feeling uncomfortable to be around Ashton as a result.
"How's my favorite soldier and trainer?" Luke asks, a confident tone to his voice as I resist the urge to cringe.
Favorite solider; I'm sure Ashton isn't going to be happy to hear that.
Ashton lets out a scoff, just loud enough for me to hear as he turns away from me in order to grab more weights for the rest of my training. I feel nothing short of uncomfortable as Luke's timing is absolutely awful right now.
I stand up from my spot on the ground and dust off my shorts slightly before clearing my throat.
"Just about to start my next set," I say, trying to conjure an excuse.
"How does she look, Irwin?" Luke asks, walking forward in order to stand next to me as he crosses his arms over his chest.
"In what way?" Ashton asks, taking me by surprise as his question is abrupt.
I'm sure Luke won't catch on but it surprises me entirely as the question was incredibly unnecessary.
"What do you mean?" Luke laughs, luckily not noticing the tone in Ashton's words that practically give him away.
As Ashton turns around, two weights in his hands, I give him a look as if silently begging for him to drop it. The last thing I want is all of us discussing this right now. Especially when Ashton and I haven't come to common grounds regarding the solution of our conversation.
"She looks good," Ashton says, his voice drifting off. "Needs to work on upper arm strength; you're working on her combat, right?"
"Yeah..." Luke says slowly, as if challenging him to question his training. I wouldn't put it past Ashton to use the opportunity to try and make Luke feel like he's not doing enough.
What's gotten into him?
"It needs improvement because she's only working off of twenty-five pound weights right now-"
"Her combat isn't going to get better until her strength builds," Luke says defensively as I can tell he isn't happy with this conversation. "She's not going to have a powerful punch if you aren't training her properly in here."
Ashton's jaw tightens as he sees how the conversation has flipped. I resist the urge to sit as I feel like this is going to be a long conversation consisting of the two of them pointing fingers.
"Well, this is something you certainly should've recognized and addressed with me so I could-"
"She's doing the best she can, Ashton. For fucks sake!" Luke says, his voice raising as I can tell Ashton has certainly managed to piss him off in the matter of seconds. "She comes out here everyday ready to give her all and work her ass off. I'm not going to push her to her fucking breaking point, change doesn't come over night."
God, I wish I could kiss Luke right now. Hearing him stick up for me and acknowledge that I'm working so hard and trying to give it my all makes me thankful more than anything that he's here. Obviously, Ashton has some pent up frustration towards me right now and I certainly would be the one suffering that if Luke never arrived.
"Yeah, well the 'best she can' isn't going to be what keeps her alive out there," Ashton says, his voice raising as well as the two are clearly getting heated.
They both go silent, once again being dawned with the thought that this is a life or death situation. I want to step in as I feel guilty and don't want either one of them thinking that they're not doing a good enough job training me. Maybe this is a matter of me needing to work harder as I'm the only one stopping myself from progressing further.
"We can't let feelings get in the way of things, Hemmings," Ashton says, pointing a finger at him warningly. "The second we get distracted is the second we let people down and let ourselves down. This place isn't a joke-"
"Why are you telling me this?" Luke cuts him off, seeming incredulously baffled by this. "You're talking to me as if I'm not out here working my ass off daily, running this army, and attempting to make sure everyone makes it out alive."
"Because the second we let feelings get involved is the second everything goes to shits!" Ashton yells, once again trying to make sense of what's going on between Luke and I.
I'm exhausted by this as I'm sure Luke is as lost as can be. The only reason I have any idea as to what's going on is because Ashton and I just talked about all of this and now Luke's hearing it too.
"I'm starting to get the feeling that you're scared of your own feelings and that's where this is stemming from," Luke says, his voice calm as he looks Ashton dead in the eyes.
Ashton fakes a look of confusion as he waves him off, going to turn away and walk from the conversation. I know Luke won't let him off that easy though as Luke seems to be finally making sense of this conversation.
"You're in love with the girl in front of you and you're terrified that you won't be able to save her so you're taking it out on everyone to make sure everyone is doing the best they can to make her as equipped as possible."
My heart sinks. He did not just say that.
Ashton freezes, clearly just as shocked as myself as he halts in his footsteps, not daring to move further. I suck in a breath, anticipating what's to come. Luke doesn't say anything either as he stands confidently beside me, not daring to take back anything he said as he clearly feels confident in his words.
How do I leave this conversation?
Ashton turns around, an angry look on his face as his fist curls into a ball at his side. I try to keep my breathing calm as I pray nothing bad comes out of this. Please don't let them get violent. Please let them solve this so we can all walk out of this room and continue on with our day normally.
"You're right," Ashton says, not stuttering in the slightest. "I am in love with her."
My heart races uncontrollably as I don't dare look at him. Instead, my attention drifts anywhere else as I attempt to calm down and not overly react to anything either of them say.
Did he just say that he's in love with me?
"And I know what she deserves," Ashton says, pointing a finger towards me. "I know that she deserves to be prioritized and focused on above anything else and trained like crazy-"
"Ashton, I'm trying to train a whole fucking army here. I'm doing the best that I can to give her as much time as possible."
"It's not enough!" Ashton yells, clearly not anywhere close to finishing this conversation. "I will never be able to live with myself if she doesn't make it out of there."
Deciding to step in as the conversation has turned to talking about my potential death, I place a hand on Luke's stomach in order to prevent him from responding.
"Ashton, we're all doing the best we can. There's no one to blame but myself when it comes to lack of progress. I'm the only one stopping myself and you can't blame Luke when he's got hundreds of other lives he has to worry about too."
"Yeah, well he's not falling for those hundreds of other lives like he's falling for you."
The room once again goes quiet as he finally addresses what's been bothering him. It's obvious that this is where it all stemmed from and I'm glad he's finally making it clear to Luke as I was the only one who knew what caused Ashton to blow up like this.
"Ashton," Luke says, shaking his head. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I've seen it since the day you met her and I absolutely knew it was going to be a problem. I knew you were going to catch these feelings that allow for distractions and-"
"So you're mad at me for having feelings when you admitted no more than two minutes ago that you're in love with her?"
Oh gosh, please make this end.
I bite my bottom lip, trying not to dwell on the fact that Luke just openly admitted that he has feelings for me. What these range from is beyond me as I have no idea what the intensity is. Nonetheless, it sends a warm feeling through me as I'm surprised he admitted this to Ashton.
But this is far from the time to be dwelling on this.
"Well, it's clear you're not the only one," Ashton says, his gaze switching towards me, making me practically suck in a sharp breath at the sudden attention. "The second you two get too caught up in your feelings-"
"Why are you talking to me like I don't know what I'm doing? Why are you acting like I've never gone through an experience like this before?"
"Because you never fell for someone along the way," Ashton says as if it were obvious.
Luke shuts his mouth, clearly taken aback as Ashton's words are intense. How he's put these pieces together is beyond me considering Luke and I have been extremely careful with how we act with one another in public. I guess the problem is, he knows the two of us too damn well than to see past us.
"What do you want me to say, Ashton? Do you want an apology? Is that what this is about? Are you mad that I caught feelings for a girl you love?"
I can see the frustration on Ashton's features and a part of me is convinced that even Ashton doesn't know what he wants. A part of me is convinced that Luke is right and that he is mad that Luke has feelings that I'm capable of reciprocating. At the same time though, I do understand his fear of feeling as if these feelings could interfere with training and preparation for what's to come for all of us.
I don't even think Ashton knows the answer as he just waves off Luke, once again going towards the exit in order to leave the room.
"Just forget it."
Luke slumps his shoulders, clearly displeased by this, "Aren't you the one letting your feelings get in the way? You held up your whole session by having this conversation and now you're walking out when you know you're not done with training Lila."
I expect a response considering Luke makes an excellent point but we shockingly don't get one. Instead, all we're met with is the sound of the door slamming shut behind him, leaving the two of us alone.
He really left on that note?
He stood here yelling at Luke about his fear of Luke not properly training me when Ashton is willing to give up the rest of the session with me? How does that make any sense?
"Jesus fuck," Luke starts, turning to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "Where did that come from?"
I shrug, as I'm just as surprised as him due to Ashton's outburst.
"We were in the middle of training and he asked me what's going on between us," I say, Luke shooting up his eyebrows. "I didn't tell him anything but he was very adamant about knowing."
Luke lets out a sigh, taking a seat at the bench below him and resting his elbows on his knees. I follow his lead, sitting down beside him as I feel overwhelmed and exhausted by what just happened.
"To me, it just seems like he's pissed that there's something going on between us," Luke speaks, shaking his head. "I think he was searching for excuses along the way and just got caught up in the web of it all."
I nod my head, agreeing with Luke as it certainly seemed as if that were the case. He focused a lot of attention on the subject of feelings and I truly felt as if it were his way of letting out his own.
"I feel bad," I say honestly, my tone laced with guilt. "I don't want this to get in the way of our friendship."
Luke is quick to wrap an arm around my shoulders, tugging me to rest my head on his shoulder as he must notice the scared tone to my voice. Ashton means a lot to me and he's my only sense of home out here and Luke knows that.
I hate that this place has done nothing but make us constantly fight and I fear it'll never stop. This place is already hard enough and fighting with your best friend constantly along the way just takes that much of a toll of you.
"It's Ashton, he'll come around," Luke says in a promising voice.
I let out a sigh, not so sure of this as it seems every time he comes around, he turns right back around and comes back angrier than ever. I wish I could give him the reassurance that he needs but it doesn't seem like anything will ever be good enough.
I wrap an arm around Luke's stomach, leaning into him further as I soak in this moment of comfort.
"This place ruins people, huh?" I can't help but ask.
I don't doubt that he's so heated because of the environment of it all. It's a stressful environment that no normal person should ever be placed in. As a result, it changes people and makes them act nothing like themselves. Hell, Ashton would never speak to me this way back home.
"Unfortunately," Luke says, rubbing my shoulder gently in a comforting manner. "But I want you to know that you're always going to be able to find security in me."
I turn to Luke, wanting to look him in the eyes as I hear this and see the sincerity in them. Even though I trust his words entirely, a part of me begs to see the reassurance.
If I'm losing Ashton to the environment of this all, I don't want Luke to slip away as well. Them, plus Michael, are the people that keep me sane here and the second I lose that all is the second I lose myself as well.
I can't let that happen.
"Promise?" I ask, regardless of the fact that it's a daunting question.
It's hard to ask someone to promise you that they won't change but it's a sense of security I'm currently yearning for as Ashton's episode hit me in the gut. It's hard seeing him like this.
Luke doesn't hesitate to nod as he places a kiss to the top of my head, sealing it off in a physical manner.
"I promise with everything in me."
I listen to his words and accept them as I hope more than anything I don't regret doing so. I just know that's what I need to keep moving along and fighting every day physically and emotionally.
And I know more than anything that I need Luke by my side.
a/n
hi loves!! how are you all???
is everyone still alive??
i feel like all my reads have dropped immensely throughout my stories and im scared im losing my crowd??? are people still here?
i appreciate everyone whos stuck with me and interacts with my stories and reminds me that i do have people that read them lmao but im hoping that if you're hiding in the shadows you can pop in every here and there as i feel like writing is getting harder and harder
theres so much i want to write and i have so many ideas but when there's little interaction, it makes it near impossible to be excited about writing and posting ): especially bc i get nervous its the book/plot so i feel like i need to take it down and try again with a new concept/different story bc i get insecure lol
anyway i dont mean to make anyone feel guilty or as if youre not doing enough but im just hoping to gain some sense of normalcy back on here. i feel like im back at square one, posting my first story with no followers and just waiting for reads to come in
on that note, i also started a harry styles story in hopes of bringing in a new group of people/audience/broadening my followers so if you want to check it out, please do!!! id love to hear from you, it's called "Vindicate"
thank you ALL for reading and being so good to me. i appreciate you all dearly and cant wait to hear from you! love you!