Trigger warning!!
// ANXIETY ATTACKS--SELF HARM--BLOOD //
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Grace Evans
It was 10:50 now. We had go to the airport by 11:20 as Lauren had suggested. Its just a 5 min ride from the hotel so it's alright.
I change into more travel friendly clothes. I get into an off white semi formal romper and pull my hair up in a lazy ponytail. As I'm done I apply a thin line of eyeliner and the clear lipgloss. Lastly, I wear my ankle high vans. Being ready, i sit on the bed and call my parents letting them know that we're officially starting the tour and that I'll be busy here on.
It's 11:05 when I get out of my room and locking the door. I needed to go check on the guys and Harry still had to sign the paper.
I reach their floor and knock on Harry's door real loud as I was already mad. He opens the door with knitted brows and without a word i hold up the paper to show him.
"Whatever it is, I'll do it later.'' he says and is about to close the door when i stop it with my palm. He stands there in confusion.
I get in and place the paper on the side table and slam the pen on it. "Now.'' i say sternly
"I don't-''
"NOW.'' I raise my voice a bit.
He huffs and takes the pen signing the paper. After he's done I take the paper and walk out. "Down in 5 mins.'' I state and walk to Niall's room.
He opens the door and smiles at me.
"Hey get down with the guys in 5 mins okay?'' i smile at him
"Sure.'' he nods
I go to the 11th floor and see Ray standing in the hallway with his guitar talking to Archer who's in the room.
"Hey!'' i clap my hand for his attention and Ray turns towards me. "We gotta get down in 5 mins. Inform the others too please.'' I say
"Sure. We'll be there'' Ray nods.
I take the elevator and go down to the lobby. I place my keycard and check out. Next i sit on one of the sofas waiting for the guys. I'm on my phone when i hear Lauren's voice.
"Hey'' she walks upto me
"Hi.''
"Did you make them sign the paper?'' she asks sitting next to me
"Yeah I did'' i say taking it out and handing it over.
"Great. Are you excited for the tour?'' she asks
"I am'' i nod giving a small smile.
"It's gonna be good having you around'' she pats my shoulder a bit to which i just smile.
"I'm gonna go to the car. Come fetching the boys okay?'' she says standing up.
"Yeah okay. ''
I sit there waiting. I see Liam, Harry & Louis appear in the elevator.
"Hey'' i smile and see the guys approach.
"Hey Grace'' Liam speaks walking out.
Next Josh, Archer and Ray come out.
"Oh hey guys'' Josh walks over to us.
"Hi Josh" Liam smiles at him and they get into a conversation as Harry keeps looking here and there.
Louis comes to me. "Can you keep my headphones in your bag for right now? Mine's too full probably'' he says handing me the headphone
"Oh sure'' i put it in my bag.
"Where's Lauren?'' Harry asks but i pretend i didn't hear him as I was mad at him. "This headphone looks really great. Are these the bluetooth ones?'' i ask looking at Louis.
"Yeah. They're so amazing. I'll show you once we reach the airport. The bass sounds so amazing!'' Louis was too excited
"I asked where's Lauren?'' Harry speaks a bit higher as he thought I didn't hear him
"Louis where's Niall. I don't see him?'' i keep talking to Louis. Louis is confused so he raises an eyebrow at me.
"GRACE!!'' Harry shouts at me making me flinch. Everyone stops talking and turns to me.
"Harold what are you doing! That's no way you should talk to her.'' Liam quickly scolds him.
"Mind your own business Liam'' Harry glares at him.
"Harry i don't wanna talk to you. Leave.'' i say trying to stay calm.
"i fucking don't wanna talk to you either. I asked, WHERE'S LAUREN?''
"Go find her yourself and don't talk to me until you fix that shitty attitude of yours'' i say in anger.
"Talk about my attitude when your slutty character is better" he spits in disgust.
That hurt me.
Harry storms off and I stand there in middle of all these people embarrassed and hurt. My skin started to heat up as I get fidgety. My chest hurt as I placed my palm on it feeling out of breath.
"Hey you okay..?'' Louis holds my hand that i didn't even realise was shaking.
"Yeah I'm fine.. i just need some air'' I shake my head swallowing the rock hard lump in my throat.
"I'll be back" I say and hurriedly go to the washroom. Seeing it's empty I lock the door and lean on the counter. I take deep breaths. No matter how much I tried I kept feeling out of breath. My vision was starting to get blurry. I splash some water on my face but it didn't help.
Oh God no.
Not the time right now. My hands shake uncontrollably as I tug onto the material of my outfit for leverage.
I don't know what made me do that but I opened the small private compartment of my bag and fetch the small blade. The shiny metal revealed itself as reality hit my mind.
I know I need to stop right now. But somehow I can't.
"No..'' i shake my head continuously.
I keep flipping the blade between my fingers.
"DON'T. DO. IT.'' I repeat to myself.
But no matter what I did the feeling just won't go away.
Maybe, just a little bit won't be that bad. I think as i keep flipping the blade between my fingers. I felt control lose my body slowly which I didn't want. This wasn't the time for this. It hit me all of a sudden.
I've dealt with this since I was 6. At first it were just anxiety attacks. But then it got worse and worse with each passing year. But right now I didn't have the time to deal with this.
I look down at the blade that stood between my fingers. I close my eyes and take a deep breath pressing my fingers on it.
And in the next moment, it was done.
I felt a sharp pain at mid length of my finger that eased my mind. My breathing rose and fell with the twitching sensation. I look down and see a line on my thumb and index finger. It went a bit deeper than I expected.
It started bleeding.
The blood eased my mind. I close my eyes crashing on the floor as I felt energy getting drawn out of me.
It wasn't until 2 mins that I realised that the blood would stain my outfit so i quickly got up and washed it off.
I keep washing it off but the blood doesn't stop. I hear my phone ringing. I don't know how I'm supposed to pick it up. I let it ring as i kept rinsing my hand.
After almost 5 mins the blood flow comes to a half i grab huge amount of tissue paper and dab it on the wound.
I quickly walk out and see the guys are gone. I timidly make my way when i see a figure approaching. I turn and see it's Josh.
"I'm sorry but i waited cuz was worried about you..'' he said as if he was doing something Wrong.
"N-No don't be s-sorry'' i stutter.
"Um... Your phone's ringing'' he says
"I k-know'' i speak
"Hey wait. Why is there blood on your dress?'' he tugs my arm to stop me from walking. I look down and see that hem of my dress had blood stains. I couldn't say it was period blood as it was at such a place.
"Oh.. um.. i-its nothing.. ''
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?'' he was concerned
"No I'm fine'' i shake my head almost crying
"Grace i need you to-'' he holds my hand and i wince as it hurt
"Oh I'm sorry. Wait what happened to your hand?'' his eyes went wide.
"I-I cut my h-hand in the washroom.'' i spit out a lie
"Wha- how? You need to cover it. It's a deep wound''
"I'm fine.. really...'' it was getting really hard for me to control my crying.
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!'' Lauren shouts making me jump and storms towards me furiously.
"I-I.. was-''
"She hurt her finger so she was searching for medication'' Josh defends me quickly.
"What!?'' Lauren questions, still angry
"Yes.. i cut my finger.. and.. i was just looking for some medication..'' i speak
"Well we have first aid kit in the car. Go there. And Josh. What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with the rest of the music team?'' she was really mad
"Yeah I'm sorry. I was just gonna go.'' he says hanging his head low
"Well now go!'' she scolds both of us.
We start walking. "I'm sorry she scolded you because of me'' i turn to Josh
"It's not your fault. You didn't ask me to stay.''
We quickly walk out and see all the guys staring at us.
Louis comes with me as he was worried.
I go to the car and ask the driver for the first aid kit.
I clean the wound with an antiseptic liquid and apply an ointment. But i couldn't tie the bandage by myself.
"Can I do it?'' Louis speaks
I nod and hold out my hand. He quickly bandages my two fingers separately and I see Lauren approaching
"Hey Louis go back now. Lauren's gonna be mad if she sees us together now''
"It won't be a problem. I'm used to it'' he shrugs casually.
"Louis. What are you doing out of your car?'' she asks with a frustrated expression
"If you can't already see it, I'm helping her bandage her fingers'' Louis speaks in an obnoxious tone.
"Behave'' she raises her voice and Louis doesn't say anything.
"I'll see you at the airport okay?'' he pats my hand softly before turning around and leaving ignoring Lauren.
I quietly get in the car with Lauren and we leave for the airport.
"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have shouted at you'' Lauren speaks after a while
"No it's okay.. it was my fault I wasn't picking up the phone.'' I say quietly. I really didn't have the energy to speak a lot.
"How did you cut your fingers tho?'' she turns at me.
Oh boy.
"Um.. there was a sharp object..in the washroom..''
"You sure it won't be infected?'' she questions
"Yes I'm sure. Don't worry.''
We reach the airport and do all the required formalities and take a seat. I see Niall sprinting towards me.
"Hey i heard you hurt yourself'' he says approaching me.
"Yeah but I'm fine now'' i nod giving a half smile
"Here. Have this'' Niall hands me a chocolate
"You didn't have to..'' i say
"Just take it. And do share with me. Don't have it alone. You won't look good if you get fat'' he chuckles and i laugh. He always manages to make me feel better.
"Just kidding. You'd still look so cute.'' he assures me.
I try to open the chocolate but I'm unable due to the cuts.
"I'll open it'' he says taking the chocolate and opening it for me. He breaks a piece and gives it to me. He looks at my right injured hand and left hand holding the phone.
"Should I..feed you?'' he clears his throat blushing.
"No that won't be necessary.'' i chuckle keeping my phone on my lap and holding out my left hand.
"It's not like I would mind but I don't wanna bother you. Liam asked to be on my best behavior'' he says laughing
"What? Liam did that?'' i asked surprised
"Ya..he wasn't letting me come but I wanted to know what happened so he said that i shouldn't bother you'' he says looking around for Liam
"Well you didn't bother me'' i smile
"That's great news.'' he smiles widely
We have the chocolate and Niall goes back to the guys.
I don't know what would happen next. But I wasn't feeling right about it.
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Hey people. I hope y'all are doing okay <3. I know this chapter was a bit triggering as I was feeling so while writing it because of my past experiences.
Also I'm sorry for anyone who has experienced this. I love you so much. You deserve the world, love. <3
I'll be updating soon :)
Stay safe and happy loves.