WHEN LOVE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH
✩
I tried to take pills less often but it was proving to be exhaustingly difficult.
Not even for the world or what surrounds us but what we hold inside us, that is what traps us.
"You make a rather-enchanting plaything, dearie."
Samael Hadeon, although dead, lived on in my head. He sat in my psyche and tormented me-and the only way to get him to stop was to take enough drugs to numb him out. It no longer mattered who I was with or what I was doing, he was always just there. I couldn't escape him.
I peeked my head into Pansy's room door. She sat on her bed, reading a muggle magazine. "Hey, Bubba." Her gaze lifted when she heard me open the door. "What's up?"
I dragged my feet over to her and crawled under the blanket beside her. My head rested in her lap, one of her hands stroking my hair while the other held her magazine.
"Muggle tabloids are so interesting," she mused. "There's so much drama. Someone's dating someone, someone else is cheating, someone's getting divorced. There's a whole article theorizing who someone's baby daddy is."
I laughed faintly. "People love their gossip."
Ever since Samael took me, I happened to be the centre of Hogwarts rumour mill. However, with the transfer of the twins, now Mara seemed to be the focus for which I was actually grateful.
Pansy placed the magazine beside her and looked down at me. "Are you doing okay?"
I nodded as I picked off fluff from her blanket. "I just needed a snuggle."
Samael's bony, long fingers ran through my hair. My body was still shaking in so much pain, I couldn't jerk away from him. "Killing you would take away all the fun, dearie."
Pansy frowned. "I feel like I've hardly seen you since we've come back to Hogwarts."
"I know." I sighed. I had been so busy, lost in an abyss while being high that it was hard to be present, even when I was surrounded by all my friends. "I miss you."
"I'm right here." Pansy laughed quietly. "You can come to me whenever, you know that."
"I know."
Pansy ran her fingers through my hair. "Are you okay, Lys? Like really okay."
I was in a mostly empty concrete room-my hands chained to the ground. It was airless and cold. There was a tiny window on the far wall with nothing to be seen outside. Nothing at all.
"Yeah, Pans." I sighed faintly. "I'm okay."
-
"Okay, wait a minute. I have this one. Are you a dementor? Because you take my breath away." With a beaming smile, Ron nudged Hermione who rolled her eyes in response.
"Are you saying that I bring despair to your life?"
Ron's eyes widened. "What? No!"
"That was bloody terrible." Hermione shook her head but failed to hide her smile.
"I thought it was bloody brilliant." Ron huffed a breath before he continued stuffing his face with potato crisps.
"I reckon someone should try that line on Professor Snape. You know, I don't think I've ever seen him smile." Luna mused in thought, her head resting in the palm of her hand.
"I actually haven't either." Hermione frowned. "It's a little sad, really."
Ron scoffed. "The man is a bully. Who cares if he smiles or not?"
Ron's comment caught my attention. I lifted my gaze from the piece of parchment I was folding into a paper crane. "I like Snape."
Ron gawked at me. "You do?"
I shrugged, looking back down at my half-done paper crane sitting on the library table in front of me. "He tried to help me. He used a healing spell to lessen my hand tremors after-" I paused, blinking as I stared blankly at the parchment. "After all the Crucio."
The table fell silent at my mention of my torture. Evidently, it was still an uncomfortable subject to bring up.
"Crucio." A scream escaped my throat as I withered out on the ground, my body shrinking into a ball. The effect was mind-numbingly painful. The pain went on and on, never-ending, until I eventually felt like my entire body would detonate into liquid matter from the pain.
I resumed folding the paper crane. It was a more difficult task when my hands refused to stop trembling. I wished more than anything I was high right now-but I knew I needed to stop. I had to at least try. It was the least I could do for my friends. Try. Just try.
Fold the top down.
Crease.
Lift the top flap.
Petal fold.
Push in the sides.
"Hey, love." Luna leaned into my side. "Are you okay?"
I nodded thoughtlessly. "I'm fine."
Keep folding. Keep repeating the steps. If I stay focused, my mind will shut up.
"I didn't know-that Snape did that." Hermione's voice was quiet, almost hesitant.
I shrugged, not looking up. "He cares more than he leads on. He didn't have to come out there and help fight-" I flinched involuntarily before I could even say his name. "You know. Him."
An uncomfortable silence lingered above our heads and I knew it was my fault. Samael Hadeon wasn't exactly an easy subject to talk about, for any of us.
Ron cleared his throat. "It's almost dinner. Should we head down to the Great Hall?" As the three of them packed up their things and got up, I stayed seated and finished folding my paper crane.
"Lys?" Hermione peered down at me, her voice wary. "You coming along?"
Fold.
Crease.
Lift top flap.
Petal fold.
"I'll catch up with you guys later."
They all hesitated until eventually murmuring goodbyes and heading out. I couldn't move. I couldn't get up. I couldn't stop folding paper cranes because I was afraid if I stopped mentally repeating the steps, other thoughts would become too loud.
Fold.
Crease.
Fold.
Crease.
Flip it over.
I didn't know how long I had been sitting there. I was entirely zoned out with no sense of time. My hands continued moving until it became an unconscious act, folding one paper crane after the next. I had gotten a few paper cuts. There were over twenty paper cranes sprawled on the table in front of me. I continued making more. I was sure I could easily make a thousand in one sitting. Maybe then I could get a wish.
I don't even know what I would wish for anymore.
"Is she okay?" Hermione.
"Why-why is she making so many of those?" Ron.
"Maybe we should leave her." Luna. "She seems... peaceful?"
"It's not peaceful, it's borderline deranged." Harry.
"Shut up, Harry." Ginny.
"She's been-off for a while now." Fred. "She won't talk to me about it."
"Should we-"
"I can hear you lot." I shook my head, not looking up or stopping my paper crane creations as I yelled out. I could hear them quietly murmuring somewhere behind me in the library that had been empty for some time now.
"I got this." Draco.
Multiple sets of footsteps withdrew while one set made its way towards me. Draco slid into the chair across from me. He folded his hands on top of the table, leaning forward. "Elysia, are you doing alright?"
I nodded blankly. "Yes."
"What are you doing?"
I lifted my gaze for only a moment to look at him. He seemed equally worried and intrigued. "What does it look like? You're the one who taught me how to make these."
A ghost of a smile danced across his lips. "Oh, I remember. Why are you making-so many?"
I shrugged as I pushed aside another completed crane and pulled out another piece of parchment. "It helps me."
"Helps you with what?"
I paused for a moment. "Staying sane."
Draco nodded slowly, his eyebrows raising. "Oh. It looks almost the opposite."
I rolled my eyes. "It helps me not think about other things, Draco."
Draco fell silent, wincing at himself. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
He hesitated, at a loss on what to say. "You didn't have dinner."
"I'm not hungry."
Draco sighed. He stood up and walked around the table, pulling out the chair beside mine and sitting. "Elysia. Can you look at me?"
"I'm busy."
Fold and crease.
Fold again.
Open the top flap.
Crease left.
Crease right.
Draco's hands clasped mine as I was folding the paper, forcing me to stop. I closed my eyes, taking a moment to breathe before turning to look at him.
Draco smiled softly. "I think you've made plenty."
I pursed my lips. "There's always room for more."
Draco nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "Right-but how about we call it a night? Do you want to come with me? Please."
I didn't want to. I wanted to sit here and fold paper cranes until my hands fell off. If I wasn't high, paper cranes were the only thing that would occupy my mind enough to have everything else stop.
But Draco. The uneasiness behind those grey eyes made my heart ache, knowing undoubtedly that I was the cause for his worrying.
I sighed, my shoulders sinking. "Fine."
Draco squeezed my shaking hand as we stood up and he guided me out of the library and through the empty corridors. I stopped, turning to face him. "I can head to my room, Draco. You don't have to-babysit me."
Draco's eyebrows drew together. "I'm not babysitting you, Elysia. I want to-to be here, with you. I-" he grimaced, avoiding my gaze. "I miss you."
My chest tightened. I nodded my head and let him guide me to his room. The dungeons were so cold. So dark.
"Crucio." My screams filled the cold, dark basement, every part of my body feeling like it were being set on fire. I felt like I was being split apart. My bones burned deep in their core. It felt like my flesh was being teared apart.
My hand squeezed Draco's hard, as we walked through the dungeons. I could feel my panic swirling in the pit of my stomach, making me forget how to breathe.
Then, I stepped into Draco's room. It was like finally stepping into the sunshine after being trapped underground. So warm. His room was a safe haven, one I spent every night in for months. Being back in his room instantly made my body relax.
Draco peered at me carefully as he closed the door. "You haven't eaten."
My eyes roamed around his room, the same room he had last year, the room that felt like home to me. Everything was just the same. I liked that.
"I told you, I'm not hungry."
Draco grimaced. I could tell he wanted to comment on my lack of appetite but he didn't.
Draco sighed as he came and stood in front of me. "Elysia, what is going on? Please, for the love of Merlin, talk to me."
I reluctantly met his eyes, my hands gripping the sleeves of my robe.
And there it was.
The same look in his eyes. The look of worry, hurt, distress-and it was all caused by me. He needed me to be okay so badly. He was desperately trying to help me navigate my way through the darkness. He held on to the hope that I would be okay.
But I'm not and I won't be.
Seeing the anguish in his eyes broke my heart and made me hate myself all the more.
I can't be what Draco needs. The tighter he held onto me, the further I would pull him into the darkness with me-and he did not deserve that.
Draco watched the rain and smiled at the thought of a rainbow soon appearing.
I watched the rain and saw the world crying alongside me.
I took a step back. "I think-I should go. I should get back to my room, it's late and we both probably need to get some sleep."
Draco shook his head at a loss, his eyebrows furrowing. "Elysia-what? Why are you pushing me away?"
"I'm not."
"You are." Draco's voice cracked. So did my heart.
I looked down at my trembling hands. "Draco, please don't."
Draco ran a hand down his face, exasperating. "I don't understand why you're doing this, why you keep pushing me away and hiding your pain from me. I thought-"
"Draco," I exhaled his name in a pained breath. "Can we please not do this? Can we not get into this-I-I can't do this right now." My voice pleaded.
I can't feel more pain right now.
Draco shook his head in disbelief. "Is this because of Silvius? You found a new boy toy to use to-whatever it is you need. Comfort. Affection." He scoffed. "You found someone else to give you that so you push me aside."
I stared at Draco, stunned and speechless. How could he ever think such a thing?
I did this. I make him feel this way-and if that didn't confirm to me that Draco was so much better off without me, I don't know what would.
I gaped. "Draco-why the fuck would you even say something like that? Enzo and I are just friends."
Draco's jaw clenched and unclenched. "It doesn't seem like that."
I was bewildered that Draco could suggest such a thing. A boy toy? That was a low blow, even for him.
"Merlin, I can't stroke your ego right now." I winced as soon as the words left my mouth, my apologetic gaze snapping up to meet Draco's. "I'm sorry. Fuck. I didn't mean it lik-"
"No. It's fine." Draco cut me off, his voice cold. "Just tell me, Ambrose, what do you want to do? Are you just done needing me now? Are you done with me?"
My heart felt so heavy that it physically hurt. "What? No, Draco. I just-"
"What?" He snapped. "Go on. Please do tell me why you've been acting weird as fuck since this we've come back to Hogwarts."
"Draco, I just-" I cut myself off, sighing in defeat. "Maybe I should just-"
"You should just go?"
"Yes."
Draco clicked his tongue, nodding slowly. His eyes had grown distant and cold. "Are you saying you should go right now or go for good?"
I fell silent. I could almost hear my heart breaking.
Draco scoffed, disbelieving. "Oh, okay. That's just great then. I see how you feel." Draco turned away from me, shaking his head tentatively.
"Stop-fuck!" I tugged at my hair, frustrated. I felt so many emotions, I couldn't think straight. "I just-Merlin, Draco. Why can't you see that I keep hurting you?"
Draco turned back around to look at me. His features softened. "You don't-"
"I do!" I felt like I was close to exploding entirely. "Caring for me the way you do, as much as you do, it hurts you, Draco. I am broken-and that hurts you. You can't-" my fists clenched and unclenched as I struggled. "God, Draco, I know you want to but you can't keep thinking you'll be able to hold both yourself and me together."
Draco exhaled sharply, an insurmountable pain swirling in his eyes and he stepped closer to me, taking my shaking hands in his. "I can, Elysia, and I will." His voice was firm. "I told you, I am here, I'm not going anywhere."
My vision grew glossy. "Maybe you should."
"What?" He staggered.
I sighed deeply. "Come on, Draco. How much longer can we keep pretending we'll come out the other side? I'm stuck in here, I can't get out anymore. But you can-so you should."
Draco stared at me with the utmost disbelief in his expression. "That is not true."
I smiled sadly, squeezing his hands. "Even if I can get out, I'm not sure there'll be anything left of me."
"Elysia, don't."
I pulled one of my hands out of his, reaching up to cup one side of his face. His skin was warm under my cold hands. Soft as ever. My thumb brushed over his cheek as he leaned further into my touch. "Draco, you are the kindest, warmest soul I have ever met and you deserve so much." My voice cracked. "You deserve normal, someone you don't have to cradle. Someone who you don't have to constantly be worrying about as though they'll vaporize into thin air at any moment."
Draco placed a hand over top of mine that held his face, shaking his head softly. "I don't want that." His voice was gentle as ever, quiet, vulnerable. "Whatever there is with you, even if it's nothing more than fighting to stay afloat, I want that. I choose that. If it's with you, it's what I want."
My bottom lip quivered as I fought back tears and sobs. "We only hurt each other."
Draco's eyebrows drew together as he adamantly shook his head. "No, we don't."
"We do, my love." My heart ached painfully as if it were being compressed further and further. "Look at what we're doing. I cause you pain by being so irreparable. I pain myself even more for being the cause of your pain."
"We need each other." His voice came out in a trembling whisper, his eyes glossy. He looked at me with such-desperation. His eyes silently pleaded with me.
I shook my head, a broken and terribly apologetic smile on my face. "No, Draco. We think we need each other but we're only fooling ourselves by thinking we could ever have something normal and happy together."
"Stop." Draco squeezed his eyes shut. His hand on top of mine grew shaky. "Stop it."
My heart broke. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I pulled my hand from under Draco's. I let go of him, his eyes opening as he watched me back away from him.
I felt like the ground was slowly being pulled out from under me.
"I'm sorry, Draco."
Draco shook his head frantically. "What?"
I choked on a sob, holding my breath to stop myself from crying out. "Please."
"No." Draco straightened his posture, blinking rapidly until his expression fell flat and his eyes turned cold again. "Tell me what the fuck you're trying to say."
I stared at Draco, crushed. I pulled my bottom lip between my lip to stop it from quivering.
"Elysia, tell me." His voice was so cold, it made me wince. "You have to say it."
I inhaled deeply, blinking away my tears and mustering all my courage to pull my walls up.
"You can't love me enough to fix me and I can't love you enough to be okay for you."
Draco tried to keep his guard up but it slipped away. His expression was entirely broken. He moved towards me but I backed away, causing him to stop. "Elysia, stop. Don't do this."
"I'm sorry." My fists clenched so tightly, I could feel my nails rip through the skin on the palm of my hand.
"No."
I turned his room door's knob behind me. "I have to be okay for me, Draco. Not for you."
I ran through the dungeons and the corridors, my vision blurry as I bolted to my room before the world caved in on me. I couldn't breathe. My chest was hurting so much, I was sure my heart really would explode this time. I tore apart my room as I rummaged for the only thing that would help me. The only thing that would shut it all off.
My hands shook so much that I couldn't get the bottle of pills to open.
The pills didn't take long to kick in.
I laid back on my bed as my mind and all senses floated away. My arms wrapped around my body as I hugged myself, blankly staring up at the ceiling.
I had no idea what I had just done.
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a/n: heartbreak chappie cuz my heart be broke right now. apologies if there's not an update for a few days; too drained to edit :-/ loveuallthough