TW:: DEALS HEAVILY WITH RAPE::
~Marley~
She had felt as though her life up until this point had been all about one thing, doing everything she could to protect her brothers. There wasn't a day that had gone by in the past four years when they weren't the first thing she thought about when she woke up in the morning and the last thing she thought about as her head hit the pillow for the night. So the fact that she sat alone on the cliff, staring out at the water in the bank below not having any idea where they were... made her feel like she had failed at the one thing she was left to do.
It happened in an instant. One second she was sitting with Cole; and the next, they were pounding on the door, demanding that they had to be taken with them. It was all a blur, the memories of the event coming back like flashbacks as the cries from Cole begging Marley to help him echoed through her mind.
She could feel his hands slipping out of her grip as they pulled him into the van.
She could hear the shouts from Luke, demanding not to split them up as he cried for the first time in years.
She could see Cole's small hands frantically banging on the glass window as the tears streamed down his face faster than she had ever seen before.
Yet, she couldn't remember the conversation she had with the social worker clearly. She knew she had until the next night to grab everything that she needed, everything that her brothers needed before they would be coming for her too. She didn't know if she would be with them, but she could only hope that by her birthday they would all be together again.
Suddenly, her cheeks became soaked with tears, not even realizing she had been crying until a small sobbed escaped her lips. Soon enough, the small amount of tears falling from her eyes turned into a tsunami, drenching the neckline of her t-shirt as she tried to control the cries.
She bit the inside of her lip, pulling her knees up to her chest as she rested her head upon them. She didn't even flinch when the wind came her way, fiercely taking the stray piece of her hair that had fallen in front of her tear filled face and forcing them back. This time, the feeling of the wind sent her into a pit of rage, hating with everything inside of her that her father had seen her fail.
"I'm so sorry dad," she whispered, not even being able to speak properly due to the sobs escaping her lips. "I tried so hard to keep them safe, to make sure that they would never be hurt the way I've been. But I just couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried... I just couldn't."
Her throat was raw due the volume of her cries, the world seemingly crumbling at the seams as she held her head in her knees. She had never felt more low.
She shook her head, the noises of the world not being heard over her intrusive thoughts manipulating her with every second that passed.
She was glad it was dark out, because she wouldn't have been able to face her father otherwise. She finally picked her head up, the wind causing the hair that had fallen in front of her face to stick to the dampness on her cheeks. She sighed heavily, trying her hardest not to completely fall apart.
Only it hadn't worked, because no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that everything was going to be okay, that she was going to be okay... she couldn't bring herself to believe it.
She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard the car pull up behind her. She didn't hear the door to the drivers side slam shut, or hear the footsteps coming from behind her.
She did however, become overwhelmed with the scent of cigarettes when a familiar pair of tattooed arms wrapped around her body.
She curled into them, not even bothering to look as she dug her face into their t-shirt. They held her tight, shushing her softly into her ear as the sobs escaped her lips. She couldn't hold back anymore, she had shoved her emotions down for as long as she could remember. Only now, she couldn't fight them even if she tried... because the girl had simply been strong for too long.
"It's okay, blue."
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around his much larger frame as she tried to silence her cries. The wind seemed to come to a stand still, the sounds of the waves crashing into the shore below finally back into her ears. She could feel the grass poking her legs as she shifted her body to be closer to his.
He reponsonded immediately, pulling her into his chest as he drew small circles onto her lower back that had now become exposed due to their shift in position. A chill ran down her spine at the contact, wanting nothing more than for him to stay with her as she closed her eyes and inhaled the smell of the cigarettes that never seemed to leave his side.
"They're gone, Harry," she whispered, the words seemingly breaking her more as she spoke. "They're gone and it's all my fault."
"C'mon, Marley," he said softly, picking her head off of his chest. "How could you possibly think this is your fault, baby?"
"Because I promised Cole they wouldn't separate us. I told him that we would always be together because we're Becks, and Becks are supposed to fucking stick together. If I would have just tried a little harder, maybe I could've shown that I could take care of them, that I could keep them safe like I promised."
"There was nothing that could have been done, Marley. Nothing you would have done would've changed it," he whispered, trying his hardest to calm her thoughts that were sending her down a rabbit hole.
She stayed quiet for a moment, closing her eyes as he placed his hand onto her cheek, wiping away the stray tears that had fallen from blue eyes. She opened them slowly, her breath being taken away by the way he was looking at her.
She leaned into his touch, finally allowing herself to feel safe... even if it was just for a moment. He placed a few of the hairs that were stuck to her cheek and tucked them behind her ear, placing a small kiss to the spot where they once were.
For the first time that night she let out a small giggle, slowly turning her face to the side in hopes that he would get the hint that she wanted another one. He did, only this time he placed a small kiss to her cheek, the tip of her nose, her forehead, and then finally... a sweet kiss to her pouty, swollen lips.
She pulled apart from him, slowly wrapping her arms around his shoulders as he nuzzled her face into his neck before whispering softly, "I'm scared, Harry."
He held tighter, running his fingers through her hair as he slightly rocked the pair back and forth. He whispered soft nothings into her ear, before her breathing started to quicken. She was about to lose control of the world going on around her, and she could feel her life slipping through her fingertips.
"You're okay," he whispered, shushing her softly like she had done for him just the night before.
He softly counted into her ear, sending her mind into clarity as his deep voice hummed quietly into her ear. "One," he said soothingly, having her copy his actions as he inhaled deeply. "Two," he spoke, waiting for her to get her labored breath out before continuing. "Three," he hummed quietly, before repeating the action as the wind consumed the two.
"There you go," he encouraged, his hand still working his way up and down her back. "Just breathe baby, it's okay. You're okay."
Despite everything that was going on, she somehow managed to control her breathing, not allowing herself to spiral down the way she had been terrified she would. She inhaled deeply one last time, pulling away from him as she wiped the tears from her eyes. She took a deep breath, running her fingers through her hair as she opened her eyes, giving him a soft smile to know that she was okay.
She turned her body away from his, laughing slightly to herself like she had always done when she cried. He raised his eyebrow at her, only causing another set of small chuckles to leave her lips before placing them onto his.
This time he was the one to pull away first, sending a small one to her lips once more before standing up quickly. "I'll be right back," he said, turning to his car as he did a quick jog to it.
She turned her body to look back up at the sky, closing her eyes for a moment, basking in the fact she was finally able to breathe again. His feet shuffling behind her pulled her out of her thoughts, turning her head back to her right to see him sit back down next to her. She sent him a small smile, only for him to return it before nodding down to the spot in between the two.
She cocked her eyebrow to the side in confusion before following his eyes down to the space of grass below them. She couldn't help the wide smile that fell onto her face... because this had now been the second time he had brought her the small tin of strawberries.
She shook her head playfully, grabbing the smallest of them all as she brought it to her lips, "I think I'll keep you around, Styles."
"Good," he said as he laughed at her remark, making her heart flutter at the sound of his voice filling the air. "Cause you're stuck with me now, Beck."
There had only ever been one other time where she had trusted someone the way she had now, where there wasn't a doubt in her mind that she was safe - when she had told Louis. And now, there was seemingly nothing stopping her from telling him the thing that she had been trying so hard to keep hidden.
She stayed silent for a moment trying to find the words to say before just spitting them out without warning, "About what Louis said today-"
"If you have taught me anything Marley Jeen," he said, cutting her completely but with such compassion she almost broke down on the spot. "It's that you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Tell me because you're ready... not because you think I am."
She paused for a moment, taking his words to heart as she looked up at him. Was she ready for him to know, or did she think he wanted to know?
She was about to forget about it, to shake it off in hopes that they would move one. But then she took another look at him. She saw something inside of his eyes that she couldn't explain, something that made her feel more loved than she had ever felt in her entire life, something that made her realize that she not only wanted to tell him... but needed to tell him.
"Dean is a bad guy Harry," she whispered, trying to find the right words to say out of the million running through her mind.
He stayed silent, taking the small tin of strawberries and moving it to the other side of him. He closed the gap between the two, placing his hand on her lap as he waited for her to continue. She turned her head away from him, shame filling inside of her as the tears that had finally left her eyes started coming back.
"After my dad died, I told myself that I would never come out here again. It was too painful for me, it was as if the memories of him would come flooding back and it was hard to even stand," she said softly, running her fingers through her hair as she tried to focus on the patterns he was tracing on her thigh. "I stayed away for a good year, I think. I couldn't even drive down the road without breaking down into tears."
"What changed," he asked just as quietly, as if he had been afraid of the answer.
"I needed my dad to hold me."
She stopped breathing for a second when his thumb stopped tracing shapes onto her leg, the air between the two changing completely as she heard his breath hitch in the back of his throat. "Marley," he whispered, softly tightening the grip on her thigh as she nodded that she was okay.
"It was late at night when it happened, there was a really bad storm. I couldn't even hear myself think over the thunder," she said, bringing her head down to look at her lap. "I had been staying up that night studying for that big test for Thomas' class when the power went out. That was when the door opened."
He moved closer to her, their shoulders brushing against one another as she leaned closer to him, the heat from his body bringing her down back to earth.
"A part of me had hoped that it was my mum, that maybe this time she had gotten clean" she whispered, her hand finding its way in his as she let out a shaky breath. "But when I heard his voice, I had a feeling things would take a turn."
She blinked slowly, a single tear running down her face as Harry moved closer than humanly possible to the girl. She looked up at the sky, trying her hardest to control the tears flooding in her eyes as she held onto his hand with everything she had inside of her.
"The minute he walked into the house I knew he had been drunk or high off something. Hell, it was probably both, because he could barely stand on his own two feet. But I still remember vividly the way his breath had smelled of nothing other than beer and vomit. At first, I thought he needed a place to sleep, but he kept saying things about how I owed him. That if it wasn't for him then my entire family would be out on the street by then."
She shook her head, praying with everything inside of her that Harry knew it wasn't true. "But we didn't need him. I was taking care of it Harry, I swear."
"I know, baby," he whispered, taking their hands and bringing it up to his lips, kissing the back of them as another tear rolled down her face.
"But he just kept pushing, saying how I was exactly like my mother. A spoiled, selfish bitch who needed to be punished for taking the things he was giving me for granted," her voice broke at the words, feeling so embarrassed for even thinking for a second it was true. "I didn't want to make him mad, so I told him that I did appreciate him, that he just needed to sleep it off and then we could talk about it in the morning. But I was only fourteen, he didn't need to listen to me."
Harry brought their hands back down to her lap, before taking her from under her legs and placing them over his thighs. Her body was now turned to his side, his arm wrapping around her as she played with the hem of his t-shirt. He placed his head on top of hers, kissing it softly as he held her close.
She was grateful that he had done that, because she knew she wouldn't be able to finish the story if was staring at her.
"At first he just wanted to sit on the couch with me, saying that he hadn't seen me in a while," she said carefully, trying to get the point across without going into as much detail as possible. "But then he put his hand on my thigh, running it up and down my leg until he slipped them under my shorts."
She couldn't hold it in anymore, because as soon as the words left her lips she completely broke. She wrapped her arms around Harry's waist, her hands slipping over his shirt yet under his jacket as she shook her head to stop the tears. She tried to pull herself together, hating that after all this time the man was still able to have this affect on her.
She pulled away from him slightly, taking the back of her hand and wiping the tears as she let out a dry chuckle, "You know, I used to think that sex was something that people only did when they were in love. That it was this special connection between two souls that belonged together, that the only thing they could do was become one in the most passionate way possible. But it was stupid of me to think that becase how could that possibly be true after what he did to me, what he took from me."
"Marley," he said, his jaw clenched together as he clearly tried to stay calm. "If you are about to say what I think you're going to... I'm gonna kill him. Just say the word, blue, and I'll go right now."
She stopped for a second, peeling her body away from his as she looked into his eyes. They held such anger, yet such love for the girl in front of him that she couldn't help the sob escaping her lips.
"I swear, I begged him to stop. I tried so hard to fight him off, but he just wouldn't let me go. He kept telling me that he would hurt my mother, my brothers if I kept fighting. So I froze. I just laid on the couch while he... he just... I swear I tried to stop him."
In an instant she was back under the warmth of his body. His larger frame held onto her as if she was going to fly away from him, like she was going to vanish into thin air unless his arms were wrapped safely around her.
"Hey, hey," he said softly, his words breaking as he spoke. "It wasn't your fault baby."
"He raped me, Harry."
She continued to stay hidden within his chest as he ran his hand up and down her back, calming her down with soothing touches and soft whispers into her ear. That was the first she had said it out loud before. With Louis, he knew almost instantly when she started speaking. It was as if he had already known what she was about to say, and simply held her as she cried.
But with Harry, she felt as though she needed to say those words out loud. Because a part of her knew that they wouldn't be able to hurt her the way that they had for years... because Harry was there.
He held her for what felt like hours. He just mumbled softly into her ear as he placed small kisses to her head. He sat with his arms wrapped around her frame until she was the first to let go, neither of them speaking as they watched the waves crash onto the land below them. She eventually was able to pull herself together, sitting herself up as she still sat in his lap.
She leaned her head back down onto his shoulder, the two now looking out off the cliff as their fingers played with one another. Neither of them acknowledging it, just simply allowing it to be unsaid until he was the first to speak.
"About what I said at the gym," he said, turning her body to face his.
She knew what he was referring to, because if she had been honest, those words spun around her mind for days after they left his heart shaped lips.
"And I pity the fool you lost it to."
She shook her head, "How could you have possibly known?"
"I have done a lot of shitty things in my life, Marley," he said quietly, tilting her chin up to look at him as he spoke. "And I had never regretted a single one of them... until I look back on the things I said to you, the things I'd done to you."
"You were a different person before, Harry. We both were," she said softly, shaking her head before she noticed the small tear make its way down his face. "Don't cry, baby. You're too pretty to cry."
She smiled lightly when he laughed, placing a kiss to her lips as she tried to lighten the mood. She was happy that it had worked, because seeing Harry cry broke her in more ways than she would ever be able to explain.
She pulled away from him, hugging him tightly as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He pulled her close, inhaling deeply as she giggled lightly. He turned his head to the side, giving her a small kiss to her cheek as he reached his hand down and pulled a strawberry out of the container.
He took a bite out of it, before reaching through the space between her lips and placed it to them. She smiled widely, wrapping her lips around the fruit as she slowly bit into it. She pulled her head back, watching him take the final bit before placing the bud of it back in with the rest. She smiled at him, loving how he was able to make her feel so much joy even though just moments ago, she felt as though she was about to fall apart.
"We're gonna get Cole and Luke back," he whispered, shifting her body so she was back to sitting beside him.
"There's no time," she said, shaking her head as she sighed. "I have until tomorrow night to get whatever we need before they take me too, I don't even know the next time I'll see Luke or Cole again."
"Listen to me Marley," he said, turning his body towards her completely. "I will make this right okay."
"How," she whispered, moving closer so their knees grazed one another. "This is bigger than all of us."
He shook his head, turning back as he slung his arm around her shoulder, "You should know by now to never underestimate me, baby."
She laughed at his words, nudging him in the shoulder as she rolled her eyes before joking, "You're an idiot, Styles."
"Don't act like you hate it," he winked, throwing back her words that she had spoken to him mere hours ago as she laughed effortlessly.
Her laughter died down slowly, the air between the two slowly turning back into a more serious one. "Thank you," she whispered, not looking at him as she stared out off of the cliff.
"For what," he asked, following her actions as they stared at the moon.
"After Dean, I didn't see sex the same way. Then when I started working at the club, I was able to use my sexualaity in a way that I never thought of before. I would do the random hookups with people from the club. While all of them were consensual, never did a single one ever ask if it was okay... if I was okay," she said softly, finally turning her head to see he was already looking at her.
"Until you."
Her heart leaped out of her chest when he smiled, a smile so bright that it would put the very same stars they were looking at in the sky to shame.
She turned to look back out at the bank below her, finding comfort in the wind blowing her hair freely, only hoping with everything that her father had loved Harry the way she did. She got the confirmation she needed when the gentle breeze flowing between the two turned into a powering gust that sent her laughing quietly to herself.
I know, she thought to her father, I love him too.
"I'm sorry that I didn't notice you were hurting," he said softly, taking her completely off guard as she shook her head.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said quickly, hating that he even thought that for a second. "Just like how you tell me that I have nothing to be sorry for when it comes to your pain, neither do you. We were kids, Harry. Just two kids too wrapped up in our shit to even think about anything else."
"If I could go back and change it I would," he promised.
She nodded her head, running her fingers through her hair as she agreed, "I know, because I would too."
They looked at one another for a moment, the words on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't seem to speak them. It looked as though maybe he wanted to too; but yet, the two simply stared at one another with so much love and compassion in their eyes it seemed to be too much for either of them to bear.
"After it happened," she started, looking down at her lap as she fiddled with her fingers. "I felt like I wasn't myself. Like a huge part of me had been taken and there was nothing I could do to get it back."
"What about now," he whispered, their body drawing towards one another like magnets without even realizing it.
"I still feel like that sometimes, not as often though," she assured, but something about her voice didn't sound as promising as she hoped. "I guess I just feel like I lost so much of myself that night - that now, everytime I walk into a room, I instantly suck all the air out of it."
"You don't suck the air out of the room, Marley. Because to me..." he whispered, turning his body to look at her, causing her heart to melt as he spoke.
"You are the air, blue."
She gasped at the words, her eyes closing for a moment as new tears formed into her eyes. Only this time, they weren't tears of fear or sadness. No.
They were tears of complete and utter love for the boy beside her.
Something inside of her took control as she turned her body back towards the cliff. Her heart racing faster than ever before as she took a deep breath. This was it, this was now or never. She wanted with everything inside of her to utter out the three words, but for some reason - she couldn't.
So instead, she simply ran her hand across the small spot of grass between the two. Her fingers grazed his as she grabbed his hand softly without saying a word, before squeezing his hand. Not once, not twice... but three times.
It was quiet for a moment, everything coming to a complete stand still as she closed her eyes and praying with her whole heart he had felt the same way.
But then suddenly, the grip he had on her hand shifted. His fingers grazing the inside of her palm before turning it over and lacing their fingers together. He took a deep breath, one that had her heart leaping out of her chest before he slowly... gave her hand three light squeezes.
I love you.
~
This chapter was extremely hard to write. As someone who has dealt with first hand the aftermaths of someone who didn't respect the word 'no', I want to be the first to say that I am here for you. My twitter DM's (findyourboatxx) are always opened. You are never alone, the hardest thing you can do is tell your story, but just know that I am here for you if anyone ever needs to talk.
I will also be tweeting out links to sites and pages that helped me after my assault, and I can only hope you use those resources because they are there for a reason.
If you take anything away from this chapter... just remember that you are never alone, never be afford to reach out!
I love you guys more than words will ever be able to express.
Thank you for everything you have done for me, I love our little corner of the world <3
You will find out what happened with Luke and Cole soon.
Thoughts on the story so far?
~ Lizzy :)